50 Years of Running: Performance time

As the last two weeks of cross country season wound down, there was little time for looking backward as all our focus came down to one thing: getting through the Regional Championships to make Nationals. That was our whole goal for the season and the culmination of four years of hard training and racing. The previous year we’d placed eighth in the nation. We thought we could do better.

We’d been through injuries that season with the Achilles tendon debacle. Then we made it through the Conference meet with an 8th straight win. Now it was time to put up or shut up.

After adding up my mileage for the fall, I wrote in my journal: “I have an incredibly skinny face. My body is quite lean, 137 lbs. My whole semester and fall is assessed in two pages. Everything about me is lean. I feel a little mean at times too. Since last November, I have run 2,571 miles. More than ever.”

Earlier, I’d written, “These next two weeks will take some thoughtful dedication. A long list of things will be done, and they should and will be done right. Be calm. Be proud. Be prepared. Be understanding. Be strong. Be yourself.”

While all that was going through my mind, things on the relationship front ran hot and cold. After a 70-mile week leading up to Conference, I wrote, “Hard race. Hills were exhausting. But felt smooth on flats. Warm as heck. Beautiful weather,” and then….”I really love her, but this Jim bastard messes me up a tad. I am feeling strong however. She has been good to me.”

That Jim guy was the bugger back home in Barrington, Illinois who was doing his best to steal her from me. She’d been back to visit her folks a couple times, and each time she returned with hints that her parents favored her dating other men. The Jim guy kept coming up.

I’d met her folks two or three times, and had gotten to see how their family dynamic worked. Her father arrived home from work each night after a commute from the city. He’d go for a slogging run through the neighborhood, then collapse in a Barcalounger chair in the living room with a big drink in his hand. He worked for the Barcalounger company as a VP or something, and it seemed ironic to me at the time that the one thing he enjoyed at home was built by the same company that stressed him out daily. But that was life in the late 1970s. The American Dream.

They lived in a modest two-story Colonial house in a wealthy community out in the far reaches of Chicago’s Northwest suburbs. Her mother was somewhat artistic, so she liked that aspect of me, but she really wanted her daughter to be financially secure in life. On that front, her mother was absolutely right about me. I’ve never become a rich man.

Ironically, her mother had once been enrolled in the same motivational course that my father attended, That meant they actually knew each other before my girlfriend and I met. The motivations to attend that course were sort of odd. My dad had gotten immersed in a network marketing scheme back in the early ’70s that messed with his mind. He never completely freed himself from the approach and language of get-rich-quick schemes and the Zig Ziglar School of Motivation. I never liked that shallow type of motivation. Plus I think Ziglar was full of shit with some of his famous quotes, including this one: “There has never been a statue erected to honor a critic.”

Ziglar’s wrong. Mark Twain was one helluva critic, and there are plenty of statues dedicated to his intellect and wit. Plus, he once said, “All it takes is ignorance and confidence, and success is sure.” These days, I’d call that an indictment of arrogant and corrupt men like Donald Trump, to whom a statue should never be erected. Criticism and cynicism toward men like that have an important role to play in this world. I learned it back then, and I hold it to be self-evident to this day.

I was also especially suspicious of canned motivation after my father blew a bunch of money by sucking up to two corrupt and criminal network marketing schemers. Perhaps that’s why I liked running so much. There were no false premises involved. You either ran hard and succeeded or got left behind. As a noted marathoner, Olympian and great runner Kenny Moore once wrote, “Running is hard, clean, and severe.”

So I could see through some people. Secretly I think my girlfriend’s mother was embarrassed by the fact that she’d attended the same sort of lowbrow course as my father. It was one of those programs where shallow slogans meet high fears. So we didn’t talk about it once the fact was known.

Their family had a chip on its shoulder in other ways. The oldest son had sustained a brain injury somehow. He was susceptible to irrational outbursts at times. I knew him well before dating his sister, and I liked the guy. We’d talked a bunch as we rode up to Luther from the Chicago area in a shared ride common to that era. I understood that due to his occasionally angry behavior, he’d encountered some flack from the college during his years there. The family was not cool with how the institution responded.

Her younger brother, by contrast, was considered the Golden Boy. He was a decent golfer, as I understood it, and fancied himself a good athlete overall. One day while I was visiting the family, he started talking about his basketball prowess and my competitive juices flared. Somehow the conversation turned to my own basketball background and my girlfriend said, “Well, he could beat you in a game of one-on-one.” I accepted that challenge and mopped the court with him 10-1. She was not happy.

There was one sport in which I always accepted a challenge. That was basketball.

During that same weekend, the family’s grandmother took ill. We all traveled to the hospital. Anxious over her state, the family circled around her bed. I waited for things to settle down and walked over to the bedside on my own. Later on, I wrote a poem about the experience. Clearly I was trying to figure out if I had a place in the family’s future.

All I wanted at the time was to love and be loved. I wasn’t prepared to think five steps into the future, or seriously consider what it might mean to get married. That language was given to me in the context of dating her. My sole and somewhat innocent goal, in retrospect, was to run well for two more weeks of my life. Was that such a crime?

The regional meet was scheduled to be held in Pella, Iowa, the home of Central College, our chief conference rival in cross country and track. The local newspaper coverage set the stage, “Luther harriers to run in Regionals at Pella.”

“Central Head Cross Country Coach Bill Herzog feels the schools to beat will be North Central, Ill., which won in both (illegible) and has never finished below third; St. Olaf, Minn, which will bring last years third and fifth place national runners Mike Palmquist and Matt Haugen; Augustana, Ill., Carleton, Minn., St. Johns, Minn. Nebraska Wesleyan, St. Thomas, Minn and Iowa’s Luther College.

Regionals were held on the Pella Golf and Country Club. The course zigged and zagged up and down the fairways. Having grown up next to a golf course as a kid, I always liked racing on the smooth fairways. But the pace at Pella was super fast. Dan Henderson of Wheaton took individual honors with a speedy 24:28 five-mile time. Kevin and Kurt Roth of St. Thomas, took second and third, and Mike Palmquist of St. Olaf. took fourth. They were all within five seconds of each other in the wake of Henderson’s elite blowout of the entire field.

Zig Zag layouts like this were common when we raced on golf courses. Not so much these days.

Our first Luther runner was Dani Fjelstad in 25:31 for 22nd overall, just behind perennial All-Americans Matt Haugen of St. Olaf, Dan Skarda of North Central, and Mark Malander of St. Thomas. The runners between them and the front pack constituted a who’s who of Division III cross country nationwide. Paul Mausling of Macalester, Jeff Milliman, Steve Jawor and Rich Scott of North Central, and weirdly, Doug Rogers of Wartburg, who hadn’t even placed in the top ten in our conference meet a week earlier. Perhaps he didn’t even run that week due to injury, or else the hills of Dubuque swallowed him whole. In any case, he ran great that day.

Luther freshman Tim Smith, our top guy at conference the week before, was right with Fjelstad at Regionals in 25:35. Steve Corson was right behind at 25:37, Chris Cudworth was fourth man at 25:49 and Rob Serres was fifth man at 25:51. All five scorers finished in the Top 35 in the race, just over fifteen seconds apart.

We ran fairly well, yet we finished in fifth place in the Regional meet. That was the last team to advance to Nationals. The competition was so strong in that race that we barely squeaked through. North Central won with 61 points. St. Olaf was next with 96. St. Thomas took third with 117, and Luther finished fourth with 130.

Augustana, the team scheduled to host the national meet a week later, appeared to have a rough day and finished sixth with 215 points. They’d beaten us at our own Luther invitational earlier in the season, and their runners had not done badly at regional either, with John Isebell in 28th at 25:40 and Duane Peterson in 32nd at 25:43, and Rich Moore wasn’t far behind in 25:46. But the quality of teams in that Midwest Regional was so strong it only took one off-day among a team’s top five to be eliminated.

So the stage was finally set. We’d made it through to Nationals. I got back that weekend and had a mildly celebratory beer with my roommate and teammate Dani Fjelstad. “One more week to go,” we both said.

That night was the first performance of the musical in which my girlfriend played a semi-lead role in Godspell. She had a marvelous voice and loved to dance. The cast worked hard to prepare for the performance. Yet when the curtains lifted and the first singer launched into a solo, she started off-key and it made everyone in the cast struggle to find the right notes. That was shocking, to say the least. Luther’s reputation for music far exceeded even our prowess in sports like cross country and track. I cringed in my seat and waited for the ensemble to dive in and start singing. Fortunately, the show balanced out from there. But my girlfriend was disappointed it started out that way. Just like Jackson Browne once sang, That Girl Could Sing:

She was a friend to me when I needed one
Wasn’t for her, I don’t know what I’d done
She gave me back something that was missing in me
She coulda turned out to be almost anyone
Almost anyone
With the possible exception
Of who I wanted her to be

It goes to show that no matter what activities we do in this world; sports, music, relationships or family, there is always the chance that a small mistake or missed cue will cost us dearly. The trick is tuning out the distractions and maintaining focus when it’s Performance Time.

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50 Years of Running: Take Nothing For Granted

After team members circulated rumors about feeling “burnout,” our coach Kent Finanager turned on the motivational jets. What coach wants to hear their runners bitching and whining their way into failure? The season was already marked by success. But it was the remarkable performance of two freshman that year, Tim Smith and Rob Serres, whose native talent and dedication filled a gap due to the injury-plagued season of Keith Ellingson, our top runner for three years.

Unfortunately, my team photo from fall of 1978 got damaged in a basement flood, but the size of the team is evident.

Even as Elly started to come back into form with his first sub-27:00 five-mile race at the Carthage Invite, the quality of those two freshman could not be ignored. They were running in the top five every week. Heading into the conference meet their contributions could not be taken for granted.

Smith was a quiet and often introspective distance runner. His presence in the training pack each day was never demonstrative. He demanded no attention. Sometimes he’d slide to the outside of the front group, but mostly he moved within the amorphous group just putting in the mileage. Yet I once looked to the side of the road to find him running along next to us down in a ditch. He was a reserved guy, but also a wryly wise non-conformist.

By contrast, Rob Serres was an ebullient young kid with a strong upper body and a running style more typical of the miler that he was in track. His eyes were always wide and his staccato laughter frequently peppered the training group. He was also an astute observer of human nature. I arrived at practice one morning with a face flushed pink. He stared at me for a moment, pointed at my face and said, “You look like you just had sex!”

I laughed, because it was true. He’d caught me red-faced and post-coital. I’d gotten it on with my girlfriend only minutes before practice that morning, then threw on my shorts and ran straight down to run.

Serres pointed at me again and said, “You did! You just had sex!” he crowed, and the whole team chuckled along. Pretty sure I got a couple back slaps that day as well.

The inspiring truth needs to be said: that 1978 season would not have been so successful without Tim Smith and Rob Serres. While the five captains Corson, Cudworth, Fjelstad, Mullen, and Ellingson represented the core of the team, it was Serres, Smith and sophomore Joel Redman that filled out the team and formed an important glue in our team scores. I’m forever grateful to those guys for their talents. As it turned out, Smith and Serres led Luther to a Top Three nationals performance a year or two later. That makes them the only two cross country runners in Luther College history to have two trophies on their resume. Well done, boys.

With that mix of ages and talent in play, Coach Finanger knew that the chemistry between us was unique, and thus important. When we arrived for practice that Tuesday in late October, the blinds were shuttered in the fieldhouse classroom and a screen was pulled down over the blackboard. We all knew something unusual was happening, but no one was prepared for what came next.

Coach Kent was more animated than usual, and that’s saying quite a bit. He quite typically nudged and prodded us with his favorite saying of “Wow!Fun!Wow!” to celebrate the daily joys of running. He’d often follow up that phrase with a “You can’t beat fun!” and we’d cynically mutter in reply, “Yeah, it’s like a sore dick…” College kids, you know.

But we believed in what he had to tell us despite our snarky college nature. Kent made everyone on the team feel important. Every guy and gal out there deserved that, because everyone put in the same miles of training, albeit at different paces between groups. There are many great small-school cross country programs in the United States, but that Luther Blue was a fun tradition to uphold.

Everyone was paying attention as Kent stalked the front of that room that day with his eyes fixed on all of us. Then he lifted the screen in front of the blackboard to reveal a list of names that many of us had heard before. They were the names of some of the leading cross country coaches in the country. Kent began explaining the reasons why he listed those names on the blackboard.

“I called Ted Haydon, University of Chicago,” he told us. “I said, ‘My boys think they’re burned out. But look at the results!” Finanger turned to us with all his physical and emotional energy poured into what he was about to say. “Coach Haydon says you’re not burned out,” he told us. Then he listed all the wins we’d accomplished thus far that season.

Kent listed the screen a bit further, revealing another name to us. “And I talked to Dan McClimon, University of Wisconsin,” Finanger continued. The Wisconsin Badgers were one of the top cross country programs in the nation. “Dan McClimon says your training looks good. Your results look good. You look ready to succeed,” Kent intoned.

We knew that McClimon knew what he was talking about. The UW Hall of Fame lists his accomplishments on their website:

  • Served UW as head men’s cross country (1971-82) and men’s track (1978-83) coach
  • Three-time (1978, 1981, 1982) NCAA Cross Country Coach-of-the-Year and five-time NCAA District Cross Country Coach-of-the-Year
  • Led the 1982 Badger cross country team to the NCAA title
  • His cross country teams qualified for 11 NCAA Meets in 12 years and registered seven Top-10 finishes
  • Five of his cross country teams won Big Ten team titles
  • Thirty of his student-athletes won Big Ten individual titles (three in cross country, 27 in track)
  • Coached 36 All-Americans (18 in cross country, 18 in track) one national champion (steeplechase star Randy Jackson in 1980)
  • Served as President of the NCAA Cross Country Coaches Association
  • Served as head coach of the U.S. National Team in a meet vs. the Soviet Union in 1982

It shocked us that Finanger would call the head coaches of these well-known programs to discuss our little Division III cross country school. But Kent was well-respected nationwide and served at the national level cross country association as well. He knew what he was talking about. And he wanted to remind us that he did.

His voice rose with enthusiasm and positive fury as he related what even more respected coaches said about our program, and us. I confess that I was shaking in place while sitting my seat. At that point, I wanted to go out the door and run through a wall or two. My eyelids filled with tears as Kent kept up the psychological pressure. He was literally running over the idea that we were ‘burnt out.’

Then our trainer Chuck Kemp pulled out a cardboard box. He handed out tee shirts to everyone on the squad with a big number 8 the size of a football printed on the front. “We’re going for #8 this weekend,” he explained with regard to the conference championship. We wore those shirts for the run that day.

And so it went during the last few weeks of preparation for conference, regionals, and nationals. More motivational talks, often complemented by tee shirts suited to the theme.

And that weekend in Dubuque, on that horribly hilly course at Bunker Hill, we didn’t mess around, taking 7 out of the top ten spots. Tim Smith led the way in second, Paul Mullen ran third, Steve Corson fourth, Dani Fjelstad was sixth, Rob Serres in seventh, Chris Cudworth in eighth, and Joel Redman, our seventh man in ninth place. While I didn’t kill the performance that day, there were only two other runners in the conference that beat me, and it was my highest finish in the race since a ninth place as a freshman. The Luther press release from that meet said it best. “Coach Finanger said, “We’re certainly pleased to win our eighth straight conference title. Our performance was truly a team effort, with our seven runners only 17 seconds apart from each other.”

The only odd part of that meet was the post-race speech given by the individual conference winner Jerry Fitzsimmons. Clearly happy to have beaten the Luther guys for the win, he launched into an embittered talk about our rivalry that made everyone present uncomfortable. We all understood the reasons behind his combative talk, but found it unfortunate that he let loose at an occasion like the awards ceremony. That was no way for a “Runner of the Year” to behave. But part of me could not blame him. It’s tough to bump heads with a seemingly immutable rival, losing season after season.

Fitzsimmons was an exceptional runner and proud of his improvement. I might have made a similar speech if I’d been in his position. But I remember that his talk infuriated Coach Finanger, whose principles of sportsmanship were indeed pure. The only time I saw Kent that mad was during our freshman year when the Mankato coach announced that there were be no mile times given out to the entire squad. Kent believed in achievement, but he also embraced and delivered equality of opportunity to every runner in every program.

Consider his commitment to those principles. Coach Finanger had brought the Luther women’s program from two gals in the fall of 1975 to a full roster of nearly 15 women that fall of 1978. The girls were starting to make an impact in the Midwest, and one of the top women runners, Cheryl Westrum, actually finished third in the Chicago Marathon that fall in 2:57, a sub-7:00 performance.

Those Number 8 tee shirts really had done the trick. No words of burnout were spoken from that point forward. We ran our workouts with renewed focus, but there were immense challenges immediately ahead with the first-ever cross country regionals to be held in Pella, Iowa. Even with a great season behind us, we knew that it would be tough to qualify for the national meet to be held on the course of our keen rivals, Augustana College in Rock Island, Illinois.

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50 Years of Running: Petrified into silence

Coming off our narrow 28-29 dual meet win over LaCrosse, our team traveled east across Wisconsin to compete in the Carthage Invitational at Petrifying Springs State Park in Kenosha. We’d always performed well in that meet, and our pack was consistently running with less than a 30-second gap between our first and fifth man. We figured to do well, and planned to win the thing.

The big individual prize at Carthage was winning a watch for placing in the top ten. After a couple down races due to soreness and injury, our top runner Dani Fjelstad battled Doug Diekema from Calvin College for the overall victory. Diekema ran 25:32 and Fjelstad, 25:40. That didn’t surprise me, because I’d once watched Diekema run a solo 9:00 two-mile in a high school dual meet.

Our second man that day, Steve Corson, barely missed out on a watch by placing 11th in 26:14. The Carthage course was an up and down affair with narrow trails that made passing difficult at times. Yet we still managed to “pack up” as our third man Tim Smith ran 26:22 in 13th, Joel Redman 26:24 in 14th, Chris Cudworth, 26:26 in 15tth, and Jeff Dotseth 16th in 26:27. I recall not feeling all that great during the race, with a side stitch slowing me at the halfway point. Perhaps it was the long ride over from Decorah, or something I ate the night before, but I hung in there as our fifth man that day. Perhaps I’d burned off energy as our first man in the Tuesday dual meet, but Carthage was the first time all season that I’d finished below our 3rd man.

Had I run to full potential that day we might well have beaten Northwestern University for the team title. As it was, we had 55 points to their 53. We felt pretty good about competing at a level with a Big Ten team. Granted, a squad like Wisconsin would blow us off the map, but hey, everything is relative. There was also a glimmer of hope a little ways down in our squad. Keith Ellingson ran 26:48 for 26th place on the day. The back injury that had held him back all season was finally beginning to relent. He placed as our seventh man for the first time all season.

On our way back from Carthage the college antics started up again with a beer stop in Mt. Horeb. There was a sick little tradition of drinking in the cars on the way back from Carthage, and the fall of 1978 did not disappoint. Usually, we’d purposely miss a stoplight in some small town along the way so that Coach Kent would get ahead of us. Then we’d load up on beer to drink and talk and sing our way back to campus. Those trips and others like them were stupid as hell, and I’m grateful nothing ever happened. No drunk driving accidents or head-on collisions the country roads of Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Iowa. Those were our swing states on many occasions.

Conference time

Back in Decorah, we gathered for practice that Monday with the Conference meet staring us in the face the next weekend. We’d won the meet three straight years as a team, including a 15-point sweep our freshman year. We knew that Central College was improving quickly, and the course at Bunker Hill Golf Course in Dubuque was not going to do us any favors. We were shooting for our eighth straight victory in the Iowa Intercollegiate Athletic Conference.

That week during a pre-workout meeting, Coach Kent overhead someone on the squad mention that they felt “burnt out” from all the training we’d done thus far. There’s no question that training in a constant tired state has its risks. We’d trained through nearly every meet that season, even doing morning runs on the day of invites and dual meets. A bit of mental fatigue does up toward the end of a season, especially with 13 meets on the schedule.

I’d added up my mileage in the journal that week out of curiosity. The weeks went 70, 80, 91, 82, 90, 99, 85, 82 and 79. That totaled 758 miles, and 84-mile-per-week average.

But hearing some of us bitching about being tired or “burnt out” did not sit well with Kent Finanger. He lectured us on the importance of thinking positively, not turning negative thoughts into reality. He delivered a fiery speech in the fieldhouse classroom where we gathered before workouts. We were all petrified by the seriousness of his tone. He then sent us out for a six-mile run with simple instructions: “No Talking.”

So it was that we ran the Under Phelps-Ice Cave route with none of us saying a word. The only sound was the crunch of our footsteps on the gravel road surface and the noise of our breathing. Occasionally someone might cough a bit, or blow a snot rocket, but mostly, we ran. And said nothing. The absence of talk after running together for four solid years had a dramatic effect. I think we all finally realized why we were together in the first place. To run as well as we could.

Back at the campus we met again in the fieldhouse with Kent. He could be an intimidating man when serious business was afoot. “Good, boys,” he observed upon our return. “Now shower up and we’ll see you tomorrow.”

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50 Years of Running: The Achilles Heel

On October 2nd of 1978, our cross country team ran a hill workout in Palisades Park, a bluff reserve on the southeast side of downtown Decorah. That weekend, we were scheduled to race at the St. Olaf Invitational. My former roommate Paul Mullen was in my group, and we talked about the upcoming race. He’d been working through an extremely sore toe during the early season, but was still racing at a high level as our second or third guy. Still, he had his concerns. “Cud,” he said, pulling me aside. “You’re running really great, but we need you to step up this weekend. Fjelstad’s hurt, and we need you to be a leader.”

I assured him that I was ready.

However, the mileage was piling up already that season, as was the daily pace we ran. We typically ran much faster than what Coach Finanger prescribed. Something had to give and after that Palisades hill workout and a set of 50-yard pickups on a cambered road during a ten-mile run, I felt a twinge and then deep soreness in my left Achilles tendon.

I was not alone with that problem. The rest of the top guys were all sore as well. Coach had made a big mistake having us run repeats on that slanted road. We were all paying the price.

Up to that point, I’d been largely healthy the first four weeks. I wasn’t panicked, but I did go to the campus doctor to see if there was some sort of aspirin or something I could take to quell the pain. He wrote out a prescription and gave me a bottle of pills to take. The label said: Butazolidine.

Medicine.net describes its effects this way: Phenylbutazone is prescribed to treat inflammation and pain that results from ankylosing spondylitits, rheumatoid arthritisgout, and osteoarthritis. Phenylbutazone has been removed from the United States market due to the availability of newer drugs with less adverse effects.

I took one of the pills right away, and within an hour or so I could barely function. My head was dizzy and I had trouble concentrating in class. I skipped the morning run the next day. Then I took another pill as the prescription required, and showed up for practice that afternoon to run six miles in an absolute haze. That’s when Coach Finanger announced that we’d all be making a trip up to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota the next day. Our season was at risk of ending if we didn’t all fix these Achilles problems.

We met with a physician named Dr. Hamlet Peterson, a Luther grad that Kent Finanger knew from his college days. He asked us all some questions. When it came my turn to talk with him I handed him the bottle of pills I’d been taking.

“Who gave you this?” he wanted to know.

“The campus doctor,” I replied. “I’ve been kind of dizzy the last couple days.”

“No wonder,” he told me. “This is how much they give to horses. Stop taking this right away.”

That afternoon, we all stopped at a running store and bought new shoes, a Brooks model called the Varus Wedge. The shoe had a built-in supination insole, and it did seem to help us all get back to running. The Achilles loosened some, and that weekend, I raced to 8th place in the St. Olaf Invitational with Paul Mullen just ahead of me in seventh.

The leg remained sore through the middle of the following week, when it finally started to fully heal up. With no race scheduled on the 15th, we ran 13 miles on an evening run out to Bluffton and back the Thursday before the weekend. That was a good sign.

Two-a-Days

Getting up every day to do those morning runs was an act of pure discipline. My roommate Dani led the way many of those sessions, which we typically did at 6:00 pace. I recall racing through the streets of Decorah one chilly October morning and showering quick at the dorm so that we could grab breakfast and make class together by 8:00 a.m. Those morning runs replaced all the times I’d spent in the dishroom those first three years at Luther College. I was relieved to be done with that drudgery, and free to put in the necessary miles to build greater fitness.

When we sat down to class that morning, our Anthropology instructor Clark Mallam asked Dani and I to stand up. He turned to the class and said, “Do you see these two guys? I saw them flying through Decorah this morning on a workout. How far did you go this morning? he asked.

“Eight miles,” Dani replied.

“They work hard,” Mallam said with some admiration. We often saw him at meets along with many other Luther professors.

But with all the back and forth of training and racing and injury and recovery, I was in no mood for the ongoing gamesmanship with my girlfriend. She was pressing too many buttons about my dedication to her, and on Friday night of October 14th, I put my foot down and told her I was done. We had a grand breakup fight but made up by morning with the requisite makeup sex. There was no meet scheduled that Saturday, so we went for a walk with our friends Bob Snodgrass and Kirsten Rove. It was cool and windy, but the sight of her jet black hair and bright green eyes against the fallen leaves swept me back into her spell.

That Tuesday, we raced against our perennial rivals from the University of Wisconsin-LaCrosse. I’d always run my best races against them in both track and cross country. We’d lost to them in dual meets those first couple seasons at Luther because the Hanson brothers Jim and Joe were too much of a one-two punch. But we’d built up confidence over the years and stood a great chance of winning that dual. I drew up a flier to post around campus to let people know what a great race it might be.

Regrettably, the one guy that was still struggling going into the LaCrosse dual was Keith Ellingson. His sore back refused to heal properly all season. But we continued to hope that his baseline training and natural talent would be allowed to come through by season’s end, because he’d been one of our finest runners all four seasons at Luther. A former conference champion and team leader. And a premier jokester, to say the least.

The course at Luther began on the lower campus with a loop around the giant athletic field at the base of the Oneota Valley. Then it climbed a rough dirt trail to the upper campus, and before I even knew what was happening, I found myself with a lead going into the two laps that would constitute the next four miles of racing.

With a half-mile to go, I finally got passed by a LaCrosse runner, Steve Ostwinkle, who tore ahead to a nine-second victory at 25:46. I finished second in 25:55 on our hilly layout, and Dani Fjelstad took third in 26:04. Bill Fischer and Jay Heldt of LX took 4th and 5th, and Luther’s Rob Serres took 6th. Jeff Miller of LX was seventh, and Steve Corson, Tim Smith, and Joel Redman were 9-11 to seal our 28-29 margin of victory.

That was the first and only time I’d been Luther’s first runner in a varsity cross country dual meet. After four years of racing, that made me feel like I’d actually arrived. It wasn’t a conference championship, grant you, but it didn’t matter to me at the time. My goal was always to be a leader for the team, and it finally happened. My season up to that point was consistent and solid.

Fjelstad always kept a few cold Michelob beers in our dorm room fridge to open when we got back from meets. For several weeks I’d been the second team man behind him in most meets, and we’d clink those beer cans together and take a long sip of celebration. There is no more determined human being on earth than Dani Fjelstad, and it helped to have him as a roommate. I can say the same thing for the two previous years as well. Paul Mullen was also an exceptional guy, and we had many laughs and motivating times together. Plus he put up with my artistic ADHD and all that. God Bless You, Paul.

Thus it hurt that my freshman year roommate Keith Ellingson wasn’t running up to par that senior year that I finally arrived. I would have liked to have raced alongside (or right behind him) when I was finally capable.

We all had our travails and our surges over those four years. And by mid-October 1978, with the season 2/3 over, it was time to get serious about what our prospects were for the final meets of the year. We still had the Carthage Invite to run, and the IIAC Conference meet to complete on the godawful Dubuque course with its horrific hills. There was not a flat spot on that course. Frankly, I dreaded it.

Then we’d face the challenge of qualifying for cross country nationals through the first-ever regional meet. That was new territory for every team in the country, and there was plenty of good competition in the good old Midwest with North Central College, a perennial national champion it seemed, always leading the way.

Posted in 13.1, 400 workouts, Christopher Cudworth, college, competition, cross country, life and death, love, mental health, mental illness, sex | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

50 Years of Runner: Let’s rock and roll

During the summer of 1978, I finally bought my first Rolling Stones record. I’d always been a Beatles guy, but of course I knew the Stones’ music, and my favorite songs were Tumbling Dice and Happy, on which Keith Richards took the lead vocal. The album Some Girls featured Mick Jagger weaseling his way through the disco hit Miss You. But it was the astoundingly intense song Shattered that I loved the best. I’d hang at the back of our training pack trading lyrics with fellow Luther runner Joel Redman who was just as odd and obsessed as me. We loved the way Mick sang these lyrics…

Laughter, joy, and loneliness and sex and sex and sex and sex
Look at me, I’m in tatters
I’m a shattered
Shattered

Shedoobeeee…

Right behind the Stones on our running album track was brand new music by The Cars, whose song Just What I Needed captured the peripatetic nature of college love:

I don’t mind you comin’ here
And wastin’ all my time
‘Cause when you’re standin’ oh so near
I kinda lose my mind

It’s not the perfume that you wear
It’s not the ribbons in your hair
And I don’t mind you comin’ here
And wastin’ all my time

That music blasted from giant speakers set up near the starting line of the Luther Invitational. It launched us as a pack, but Augie proved even stronger that day.

Leading Luther’s Steve Corson and Paul Mullen next to Central’s Jerry Fitzsimmons at the Luther Invite.

In the third week of the season, capped by a 90-mile training week, I ran four miles the morning of the Grinnell Invitational, then raced the five miles at high noon in 25:53 for fifth overall. My roommate Dani Fjelstad won the race in 25:18, beating Jerry Fitzsimmons of Central College. My former roommate Paul Mullen took third, and I was barely outlasted for fourth by Central’s Brian Hantsbarger.

We were training right through those early season races. We’d run hard all week and show up ready to race whatever opponent we faced. I’d warm up, stand on the line and think, “Let’s rock and roll…”

Leading the pack at Grinnell behind Fjelstad of Luther and Fitzsimmons of Central College.

That Tuesday, September 26, we hosted Mankato State at the Luther course. During the day, the weather turned hot. The Mankato guys arrived from up north where the weather was much cooler when they left. They showed up in Decorah dressed in thick jerseys suited for much colder weather. Those poor guys suffered through that race. Fjelstad and I went 1st and 3rd in our first five-mile race of the season, 26:13 and 26:18. Their guys took second and fifth, but Luther swept the next five places for a 22-39 win. I remember feeling a bit bad for the Mankato team in their sweat-soaked winter jerseys.

That week I clocked in with 99 miles of training and racing. We traveled to Waverly, Iowa that Saturday, September 30, to run against Wartburg and St. Olaf in a triangular. Fjelstad chalked up his fifth straight win in 25:31 and I took third in 25:38 behind perennial St. Olaf All-American Mike Palmquist. I also noted in my journal that I “Beat Haugen”––St. Olaf’s other All-American runner. Paul Mullen finished right behind me in 25:53, and Tim Smith, Steve Corson, and Rob Serres packed up from 25:55 to 26:00. We beat Wartburg 15-50 and St. Olaf 23-35.

Placing in the top five consistently affirmed my confidence and inspired me to reach even greater fitness. We ran hard intervals between all those double-workout, high mileage days and traveled to the St. Olaf Invitational in Minnesota for yet another showdown with our Lutheran school rivals.

I was also growing stronger in love my girlfriend. We had a nice balance in time between her commitment to the Godspell show and my daily running schedule. We cherished time together because we were both busy and brought things for discussion every day.

But a strange thing happened one day coming out of the college union.

We were holding hands leaving the cafeteria and I was leading her through the passing crowd when I felt a hard tug on my hand and spun around to see her throw a cup of orange soda in the face of a track teammate of mine. Shocked and freaked at the same time, I looked at him and asked, “What happened?’

“He grabbed me,” she insisted. I looked at my teammate, who stood 6’3″ and weight a solid 190lbs of football muscle. He looked right in my eyes and I said, “Hey man, no trouble, okay?” The confrontation was compounded by the fact that there were just one-hundred black students attending Luther at that time.

We parted ways peacefully but she was incensed that I had not somehow chastised him. “Well, I didn’t see what happened,” I told her. “It might have been a mistake. I know him…he’s not one to do anything like that.” She was not satisfied by that response, but calmed down by the time we reached the dorm.

oThat weekend, she was flying back in a private place to visit her folks back in Barrington, Illinois. I rode with the team up to St. Olaf and ran a superb race on a hilly course, taking 8th overall behind Jim Ingold of LaCrosse, Mike Shockency of St. Cloud, Matt Haugen of St. Olaf, Paul Mausling of Macalester, Bob Pappas of Carleton, and my teammate Paul Mullen. We both swept around Steve Hahn of LaCrosse in the final straight to run 25:57 and 25:58 respectively. That was one of the finest joint sprints I’ve ever executed. Our final kick gave Luther the win over LaCrosse, 58 points to 60. Fjelstad had a bit of an off day for the first time all season, running 11th in 26:06, while freshman Rob Serres ran 26:10 and Steve Corson 26:20 for our top five. The total spread between our first and fifth man was just 23 seconds. Luther was now running with the elite teams in the Midwest.

A photo taken at the St. Olaf Invitational in the final week of September, 1978.

That weekend was the first two days I’d spend without my girlfriend since coming back from the RA Retreat in August. I went out birdwatching on Sunday morning and found a pair pileated woodpeckers and a merlin (falcon).

I wrote: (She’s) gone for the weekend. I’m a little lonely. I ran well today and have dorm duty, thus no one to share it with. 99 miles this week. I just want to stay healthy and run well. I miss her, although I sort of value the time alone. Her flight back is delayed.”

Something in me began to sense that while she and I were in love, it felt like a game between us. When she was back home in Illinois, she visited some slightly older guy and according to her report, he stripped down to nothing and paraded naked around the room. I couldn’t tell if she was upset by that or trying to make me feel jealous.

Jealousy had already entered our relationship. A few weeks earlier when I was hanging out at a bar on a Friday night with friends, a really cute classmate started up a conversation with me. In walked my girlfriend at that moment. She immediately barged in between us with her eyes flashing in a clear message to the other woman, “Leave my man alone.”

Back and forth it went. One day it felt like we were made to be together. The next day I wondered what she wanted from me. Then one night with some time on my own, I laid back to listen to the Some Girls album and the song Beast of Burden played. The lyrics struck a chord:

I’ll never be your beast of burden
My back is broad but it’s a-hurting
All I want for you to make love to me
I’ll never be your beast of burden
I’ve walked for miles, my feet are hurting
All I want for you to make love to me

Am I hard enough?
Am I rough enough?
Am I rich enough?
I’m not too blind to see

Confident and strong as I was that fall, those were questions to which I did not know the answer, and probably never would.

Posted in Christopher Cudworth, college, competition, cross country, mental health, running, sex | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

50 Years of Running: A New Me

My parents both drove back with me to Luther College in the fall of 1978. We took the back roads through southwestern Wisconsin to enjoy the scenery, stopping at times to get out and stretch while gazing at the hazy hills from some high point on a country road. The purple blooms of bee balm coated every hill. The sun was bright and we were all in a good mood. It was quite the change from years previous when everyone in our family seemed to be struggling with one type of mood or another.

I hauled my stuff up to the large dorm room that I’d earned by signing up for a Residents Assistant role that year. That commitment required attendance at an RA Retreat at Bethel Horizons camp north of Dodgeville, Wisconsin, so I had to turn right back around toward Madison to attend that event. I don’t recall if my parents drove me back in that direction, or if I rode with other students to the camp. In any case, I was excited to be heading into the school year with confidence rather than trepidation, as the case had been the year before.

My summer tan was rich and brown, and the sun didn’t let up that week in Wisconsin. I got up well before the rest of the campers to do a set of morning runs. My journal that week recorded several ten-milers through the hills of Governor Dodge State Park. By the time it was over, I put in 80 miles.

Journal entry from August, 1978.

The RA Retreat consisted of a series of meetings to educate us about Luther campus policies and how to interact with our fellow students in a supervisory manner. It wasn’t hard work, mostly conversational groups, and some singing along the way. During the middle of the week, the organizers held a campfire on the side of a valley. The August moon rose large and yellow in the eastern sky. I’d been edging closer to a girl all week in hopes of asking her out when we got back to Luther. Then a group of guys was gathered in the parking lot and one of them mentioned that she was looking good this year. I jumped into the conversation right away. “Yeah,” I agreed. “I’m going to ask her out when we get back to Luther.”

I was protecting my prospects. That night at the campfire I sat down next to her without hesitation. As the conversation softened she spun around to lay on the blanket next to me and placed her head back on my knee to look back up at me. I looked into her eyes and instantly fell in love.

There was no doubt about my feelings from that point forward. It was love at first sight and I fought for her attention the rest of the trip. I didn’t have to fight hard. She was just as interested in me. I liked her jet black hair and exceptionally green eyes. I kept thinking about her during those morning runs, and we rode back to Luther in the same car, holding hands, as I recall, because we’d become an item.

For a guy that was already feeling much better about himself for the first time in years, falling in love made it that much better. She’d be serving as an RA in the Miller dorm and I was in Dieseth, so our commitments and schedules would be similar. Her big goal that fall was preparing for a semi-lead role in the college musical Godspell, while I was focused on helping our cross country team finally meet its full potential.

Unvested interests

There was one more item of business that needed to be handled going into that senior year in college. My girlfriend from the previous year still wanted to continue our relationship. I met up with her on campus and explained that I’d be going in a different direction and that we were definitely no longer together. “Well, I made you this down vest,” she told me, handing it over. “You can still have it.”

“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I told her. “It’s definitely over between us.”

“I get that, but I don’t want it now. You keep it.” I shook my head and walked away with the vest.

A few days later, while walking through the college union, I was holding hands with my new girlfriend while wearing the vest. Suddenly I felt a tug on the vest collar, then a ripping noise as she tore it in two, right off my back.

I felt horrible at how I’d handled that entire relationship. But now that I was really in love, I recognized the difference between what I’d pursued the year before and what was going on in my life at the moment. There was no turning back.

The New Me

Another weird moment came that week at the inaugural fall party for Pi Sigma Omicron, the local fraternity to which I’d belonged the two previous years. Stepping into the party, I wandered around a bit before walking up to some guys I knew and greeting them, said. “Hey dudes.Good to be back, huh?”

They stared at me for a moment. “Do we know you?” one of them asked.

“It’s Cud!” I replied. “I just got rid of the hair, the glasses… and the beard.”

“Fuck, man, you look different!”

And so it went with the New Me. Who could blame them? I’d gone from a guy shrouded in thick hair to a clear-faced dude without glasses. I’d cleaned up my act.

Piling on the miles

The running schedule ramped up quickly. We clicked off an 18-miler on August 26 (Felt Great!, I wrote in the journal) and I put in another 80-mile week. We ran the Intrasquad meet on a hot, muggy day and I finished as our second man in 21:16, a bit slower than I’d run in previous years. “Can’t figure out the slow time,” I wrote.

That first week of September I knocked out 91 miles with two-a-days, then raced a fast four miles at Augustana College. That was the course where the national cross country championships would be held later than fall. Even in the 90+ degree weather (“the hottest day of the year,” I noted) I ran 20:26 as our second man that day. My teammate and roommate Dani Fjelstad won the race that day.

The next week the weather cooled off and we prepared for the Luther College All-American Invitational, our biggest early-season meet. I ran 82 miles with a couple days of taper (seven miles and four miles) and raced to 13th overall in 20:42 behind Fjelstad, who barely beat Jim Ingold of LaCrosse in 20:19 to 20:24.

That meet was bittersweet because we’d begun to realize that one of our ace runners, Keith Ellingson, was genuinely hurt with a stiff and sore back that would not heal. A pair of talented freshmen, Rob Serres, and Tim Smith were stepping up to fill the gap along with our core guys Paul Mullen (also hurt with a sore toe) and Steve Corson. We missed Keith’s presence not just in races, but in practices where he was always a steady leader. He was also one of five team captains that year, and it felt weird not to have him running with us.

Profane reaction

We got beat by Augustana at the Luther Invite that weekend. At the awards ceremony, I blurted a loud “FUCK!” when it was announced that Luther placed second, not first. It was poor sportsmanship but I was so determined to help the team win that year that I lost perspective. In frustration, I ran another five miles that afternoon to polish off the mileage for the week. Later that afternoon, I met my girlfriend to go camping that night on a ridge above the Luther Farm property across the street.

The weather was cool and the night sky was magical. We dozed off in each other’s arms. In the morning, I was lying next to her stroking her cheek in the morning light when I looked out the tent screen to see my teammates passing by on the road below the ridge. “Oh God!” I muttered. “I forgot about practice,” and collapsed into her arms laughing. I was so smitten that I’d forgotten all about our Sunday morning workout. As it turned out, it was a hard workout. Our coach was a bit frustrated by the loss at our own invite. The guys told me he was a bit miffed at my absence too. So I ran the nine-mile workout hard on my own later that morning and topped off that Sunday with a six-miler that night.

In any case, the season was off to a solid start.

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13.1 miles of active consideration

Smiling through mile six of the Schaumburg Half Marathon. But I don’t like my gut.

Having recently started work as a staffer at Dick Pond Athletics in St. Charles, Illinois, I’ve had cause to engage in consideration of my running career. The Dick Pond group of stores is celebrating 50 years of running, a fact that parallels my own career. Working a few retail hours per week has given me the opportunity to encounter all kinds of runners; elite and beginners, joggers and walkers, serious trainers and people just trying to stay fit.

My friend and the main proprietor of the St. Charles store, Glen Kamps, has worked at Dick Pond for just as many years. His appearance with the Dick Pond shoe truck at the local Turkey Trot in Batavia this week is one of the thousands he has done over the years. There is no one more dedicated to the sport of running than Glen.

We started doing some running together over the past year as he prepared for a half marathon race, in which he set a recent personal best time. He also won his age group at the Sycamore Pumpkinfest 10k with a 7:41 pace per mile.

But while we talk about racing during our training runs, we also discuss the sport of running as a whole. Glen keeps track of his “numbers,” things like resting heartbeat, cholesterol, and other life vitals. His sincere wish is that more people would take those numbers seriously. His main mission is to help people figure out the best path to personal wellness. He’s in a unique position to do so as manager of the Dick Pond store, but it’s still hard to reach some of the people that most need to hear that message.

Going into my own half marathon this weekend, I knew my fitness state pretty well. My resting heart rate is 47, a healthy sign. I manage my cholesterol with a statin thanks to a long family history of heart disease, and my doctor and I work together to keep that in good shape. My blood pressure is typically in the 115/78 region, and my body fat…well, that does need work. I have a bit of an unhealthy paunch, nothing huge, around the waist.

Part of the challenge for athletes over the age of 50 is wrestling with a slowing metabolism. The weight that used to shrug off with a few workouts now sticks to the waist. I don’t like how thick I look around the middle, and never imagined that I’d need to deal with excess pounds in my lifetime. As a young distance runner, I could not put a pound on my frame without extreme indulgence.

But those eating habits from long ago come back to haunt you later in life. The hard-wired love of carbs does not go away easily. That excess energy gets stored as fat. It takes real discipline to modify a diet built around providing fuel for distance running, cycling, and swimming.

So I weigh between 180-186 in any given month. UP and down it goes. Yet I got out there Saturday and felt really good running at sub-8:00 pace for the first eight miles. I wasn’t straining at all to hold that pace. My legs weren’t tired and my lungs could keep up. I did know that I’d likely pay for that early pace past the eight-mile mark because I’d done practice runs at that pace and distance in training, but hoped that I could keep it up through thirteen. My longest run before the race was eleven miles. I figured to tough it out beyond that.

Sure enough, the 1.5M run west into the wind and north to Golf Road through Busse Woods grew difficult. I slowed to an 8: 20 pace going into the wind in the ninth mile. Then an 8:17 going north. Then came the climbs, and I dropped to 8:26 on the way out and 8:39 on the way back. The last steep rise on the bridge over the highway forced me to walk three steps. Then I was back in gear coming home the last mile and welcomed a keen drop off the bridge. Was that a relief! But my hips were stiff and tired by then. That area of my body needs strength work.

My Garmin watch showed that I’d dropped to 8:05 pace on the flat, but that was not enough to make up for the extremely slow climb over the bridge. That hurt, dammit.

I came across in 1:47:05 on my Garmin watch. My goal was 1:45 but those hills and that wind crushed those objectives.

The winner of my age 60-64 age group was Christian Evans, who ran 1:25, an exceptional time for sure. No one in our category was within fifteen minutes of his time. I was seventh in our group.

I’ll take it. I was grateful to be racing and having fun. Those first eight miles felt great, almost like I was young again. Granted, I cannot race at the 1:10 pace I once ran for the half marathon. But take note: the world record for 60+ runners is 1:11. I’ve never been a world-class runner, and don’t expect to achieve that level for the rest of my life. I can admire that guy however.

All of us can (and should) do what we can to stay healthy no matter what the speed objectives are. Even if those early-life miles have trashed the knees or hips, it is still good to get out there to walk or cycle if you can. If it takes some shoe inserts to support your feet and knees, there are tons of options these days. I wear Aetrex insoles in my running shoes and they work great. Add in some occasional strength work and it is surprising what your body can do at any age.

Glen and I are both grateful to be running decently at our age. Our goal for every person we serve through the store is to encourage and help them find their best path to fitness and “better numbers.” We have one life to live. Why not make it the best life possible?

Hope to see you out there. If you need some encouragement, reach me at cudworthfix@gmail.com. This whole running and fitness thing isn’t just about me. It’s about us. That’s why I started werunandride.com, and why I like to write about Original Thoughts About Running, Riding (and Swimming.) If I can make you think or laugh, or give you reason to get out there, that’s the goal.

Happy Holidays. Let’s stay ahead of the cookies this year.

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50 Years of Running: First steps to clarity

Coming off the two semesters that my friends called “Cud’s weird year,” I arrived home at the farmhouse where our family lived for a year and took a hard look in the mirror. My hair was so thick and long my thin face looked like a piece of dried fungus between two large shards of bark. The scraggly beard on my chin was doing me no favors either.

I took some shears and cut off a few locks, but that was not going well at all. I wanted to clean up my act, not come out looking like a criminal mug shot. So I jumped in the car and drove to the Avenue Two barbershop in St. Charles.

It had been a year or since I visited the shop, or any barber shop for that matter. Perhaps some co-ed chopped my hair a bit that year, but not by much. It was too thick to put in a ponytail or comb straight back. So it just stuck out, especially when I wore a hat.

I walked into the barber and told them, “Hey, I want to get rid of this hair.” They looked at each other in a bit of wonder, and sent me to the back of the floor where a young-looking barber stood nervously by his chair. The shop was a vocational destination for graduates from Mooseheart, a North Aurora school for underprivileged kids. During high school, I’d gotten my hair cut many times at Avenue Two, and perhaps some of the guys working there recognized me. But I couldn’t blame them for not knowing me with that knot of thick hair hiding my face.

The barber said, “Go ahead to the sink there and we’ll get your hair washed first.” So I sat in a chair and positioned my head face-down in the porcelain. “Um, no,” the kid instructed me. “You can lean with the back of your head.’

From there, I felt the hair fall away in layers. When it was finished, I stood up and thanked him, gave him a tip on top of the fee, and waved to the other barbers on the way out. “Hey,” one of them said to me, “Thanks for coming in, Chris.”

There was one other layer of persona I needed change as well. I was sick of my thick glasses. My prescription got worse during college and I tragically chose a rimless style of glasses that only showed off the thick goddamned lenses.

I went home and told my mother, “I need contact lenses.” And for once, perhaps because our family was starting to do a bit better financially, she said, “Yes, that makes sense.”

In the meantime, my parents decided that living on that farmhouse six miles out of town was a bad idea. They bought a house back in town and we gladly moved away from the farm. The people that owned the place were paranoid, it turned out, accusing us of having too many people living in the residence. Years later, a co-worker and former track teammate at Kaneland rented the same farmhouse with the same idea of gaining some country living time. Instead, the owners drove his family nuts with even crazier accusations. After he moved out of the house, he came up to me one day and asked, “Hey, do you want to come with me tonight? I’ve got a bowling ball in my trunk and I’m going to throw it through the plate glass window and hope they die of a heart attack.”

“No,” I told him. That’s a really bad idea.” It took me ten minutes to convince him that he should not go through with the act, but he was determined. Finally, he agreed not to go on the rampage.

I was glad to be back in town with access to more familiar running routes. On the first day that I wore the new contacts, I ran a nine-mile loop on Country Club Road. It was a warm day, and I absentmindedly wiped some sweat from the side of my face and the contact lens popped out of my eye. I stopped about twenty yards later realizing it was gone. The sole reason that my mother refused for years to buy me contact lenses was the fear of incurring an expense by losing them. Panicked at the thought that I’d already failed that test, I carefully walked back the road shoulder and looked down to find that sweet little piece of plastic glinting in the sun. It was tough to get it back in my eye, as I’d had little practice to that point, but finally, I could see again and ran home grateful for finding the thing. I made no mention of the incident to my mother.

Running without glasses was an absolutely liberating feeling. No more pushing glasses up my face or feeling the strain of a glasses band on the back of my head. Having less hair was also a relief. I’d kept the mustache in a tip of the face to Steve Prefontaine, but other than that, I looked like an entirely new man. Feeling my oats, I decided to jump in a June race in Glen Ellyn, only to find myself running next to one of that era’s greatest distance talents, Ken Popejoy. I lasted a couple miles and dropped out.

That summer I got a job working as a janitor at a building managed by my friend’s father. It was a one-hour drive one-way to get there, but I was grateful to be able to earn some money after my plan to sell artwork at the Swedish Days Art Fair got rained out two days in a row. Leading up to the show, I got in several arguments with my mother about the plan to sell artwork rather than work in some manual labor job.

My journal notes from June, 1978
My journal lament about commuting and working 10-hour days.

For all my private complaining, I drove to work every day in the company of a sweet girl named Pam that I’d coached in summer track a few years before. She did secretarial work while I did chores under the direction of an embittered fellow named Andy. He despised the Polish cabal that dominated most of the workforce in the building. They also hated me for getting hired by the building manager when one of their own could have found work. Andy warned me, “Stay out of their fucking way if you can.”

I liked Andy. He was straight with me in every way. Our tasks were often grungy and sometimes difficult, but he never asked me to do anything he wouldn’t do himself. We got along fine.

Most days after work I’d get home and go for a run in the twilight hours. Sometimes I’d even run in the dark with the nighthawks calling overhead and the river bugs twirling around the streetlights. I could feel the fitness growing after a solid spring in track. When late July came around, I traveled up to Decorah to run the Elveloppet (River Run) 15K with Luther teammates. We stayed up a bit late the night before, and my eyes were exhausted from wearing the contact lenses so long, but I fell asleep quickly after chowing a late-night burrito and woke up the next morning ready to run.

In previous years, I struggled to get in the top ten of that race. But during the summer of 1978, I was feeling real confidence beginning to grow. I finished in the top five at 54:38 on an extremely hilly course and got a few hearty backslaps from the leaders on our team. That felt good.

Then it was back to the job for a few more weeks. The building was called International Towers, and there always seemed to be some sort of renovation going on. I hauled torn-up carpet out to the trash in big rolling bins. I cleaned the restrooms for both women and men and had a couple interesting encounters with bored women serving wine during their breaks. That was an era of secretarial pools and I was not wise to the ways of middle-aged women that were bored and horny. I took a bit of interesting teasing in several of those restroom encounters.

One afternoon Andy called me down to the office and handed me a tool and said, “Follow me, we got shit to do.” We strolled out in the parking lot under the blazing summer sun and Andy said, “We’ve got to find this piece of pipe under the asphalt,” he told me. “They have an electrical problem at the gate. So start chopping.”

I was good at chopping after spending a couple weeks the previous summer cutting sections of dried paint under the vats at Olympic Stain. But this was hot work, and Andy stopped fairly often to light up a cigarette and suck on it in the sun. Then he’d toss it down, crush it with his foot, and mutter another swear word or two.

Occasionally during the workday, Andy would get a call from his wife when we were both sitting in the janitorial room. I’d try to pretend not to listen but was able to gather that she was not a woman in good health. The normally acerbic and cussing Andy was patient and tender with her on the phone.

As we continued chopping away at the asphalt, Andy grew a bit tired. I was determined to find the conduit and kept chipping away black chunks of aggregate and tossing them into a growing pile. Finally, I hit something with a “tink!” noise and Andy bent over to inspect our work as if we’d found treasure. At that moment, the electrical contractor walked up with my friend’s father and they told us to expose the rest of the pipe and it took the rest of the afternoon. Frankly, I was glad to be outside for most of the day, hot as it was. So Andy let me finish the job while he went inside to check on the rest of the building.

One afternoon he sent me upstairs to gather loads of used-up fluorescent bulbs. I slid the 60″ bulbs back into cardboard boxes and placed them in the gurney to go down the elevator. There were stacks of boxes filled with bulbs by the time I was done. I’d piled them all in the garbage room next to the trash compactor. Andy was nowhere to be found because he needed to run home that afternoon to check on his wife. So I tossed all the boxes of bulbs in the trash compactor and pushed the button as I walked out the door of the garbage room.

The next thing I heard was a massive BOOM as all the bulbs exploded at once. It must have sounded like a terrorist attack within the building. I quickly escaped into the stairwell and raced up several flights to get as far from the scene of my idiocy as possible.

Andy protected me that day, but the next day there was a big discussion in the front lobby with a group of Polish men and women shouting at management. Someone was translating, but I understood that they were still angry about my presence in the building. “Relax,” my friend’s father told them. “He’s only here another week.”

For breaks, I’d often go up on top of the building that stood at the intersection of Cumberland and I-90. From there, I could look at the Chicago skyline a few miles away. The smell of car pollution and the sound of traffic were constant, but it still felt good to stand above it all even though going next to the edge of the building gave me the heebie-jeebies.

A photo of International Towers taken during a recent flight back into O’hare airport.

On the last day of work, I piled into the car with Pam and she almost immediately fell asleep in the passenger seat. It was a hot afternoon and she’d either purposely or forgetfully allowed a button on her blouse to fall open. The sight of her pretty bra and a glimpse of a freckled breast in the flashing summer sunlight was worth the otherwise loneliness of the drive home that day. I felt a bit guilty, but we’d flirted enough on our own accord to justify my lust.

A week later my friend Rob and I double-dated with Pam and one of her friends from the Catholic high school she attended. It was a classically joyful evening, and I made out with her friend in the back seat. Despite all the back-and-forth, we’d all found ways to make the summer fun. An August trip to the Indiana Dunes gave me a nice tan and some sun-touched hair. I felt attractive and confident going into that senior year in college.

In August, I did sell a couple hundred dollars worth of paintings to add to my summer earnings. By August 15, I’d run 425 summer miles, just enough to provide a happy base going into the cross country season. On August 8, I’d written down some ideas about the year to come. I read them again while listening to an entire side of an ELO album ending with Mr. Blue Skies. Then I packed up my Radio Shack turntable, receiver and Optimus 1-B speakers to wrap up the summer.

“My goal is to compete at 3rd man or above,” I wrote. “Track season indicated I am capable. 13 meets. I can be ready for each one. This is my last cross country season. Hah. Eight years of getting ready. I can honestly say I have never bee more prepared. Ready for once.”

Posted in Christopher Cudworth, college, competition, cross country, healthy senior, race pace, racing peak, steeplechase, track and field, training | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

50 Years of Running: Rough surfaces and deep dives

My pastel painting (2020) of the running route we called Wonder Left, named after a sign pointing to Wonder Cave, a local geological attraction north of Decorah, Iowa.

The winter of 1977 was, like so many winters in the late 1970s and early 80s, as cold as hell and frozen over. We trained through the cold by running on snow-packed roads. We’d often leave in the near-dark and run traditional loops called Wonder Left and Mink Farm, named after signs or features found along the way. The gear we wore was primitive. Knit caps and nylon jackets as big as tents. Tube socks for gloves. Yet on we went for 70-80 miles per week. Through the night and back to campus.

There we’d stand around in the pale blue showers waiting for the water to warm up enough to stand in it. I’d grown my hair long that winter and sprouted a scraggy college beard along the lines of Lasse Viren, whom I idolized as a runner.

Then Christmas break came along and I rode home jammed into a van with eight or nine other Chicago-area kids eager for a college break. My mind was not in a good place at the time, and I had it in my head to take a pass on the next semester of college. There were no plans in place, just a hankering to pull away from the pressures of school and running. I was desperately trying to find myself in the dark, the cold and the running malaise.

My mother was having none of that. She was a huge supporter of my running, and had attended so many sporting events during my life that they couldn’t be counted on ten hands. She also understood my mind in ways that I perhaps did not understand on my own. My father, after all, had his share of “down” moments, and his father before him suffered from acute depression. There was a song by The Who that later captured the exchange in rock clarity:

I went back to my mother
I said, “I’m crazy, Ma, help me”
She said, “I know how it feels, son
‘Cause it runs in the family.”

Once I got past the negativity in my mind, things began to change. Heading back to school that winter, I grew excited about taking on a massive January Term project, painting four 4′ X 8′ murals for the Lake Meyer Nature Center in Calmar, Iowa. Back on campus, I threw myself into that project day and night, often working long hours as guys on the dorm floor sat watching me paint as they drank beer or pontificated in the middle of a strong pot buzz.

The murals generated a healthy amount of attention, including a big story in the Cedar Rapids Gazette and the Luther Collage newspapers.

Cedar Rapids Gazette Newspaper
Looking the artist part in 1977.

All the while, we’d be out training for indoor track. But I was fed up with running so damned hard every time we went out the door. On most days, we’d truck along for two miles and the pace would ramp up to 6:00 miles. That’s how it went, day after day. One night I finally made a comment about it and was talked down by a couple members of the team. I’d had it, and took off at 5:00 pace for as long as I could hold it. That lasted about two miles and I could still feel the team behind me by a couple minutes, but I dared not look back or let up.

That night, I was talking with a close teammate who suggested, in a statement of tough love, “Cud, you just need to shut up and run.”

Okay, I thought in anger. That’s what I’ll do.

From then on, I didn’t let much distract me from the mission of running as fast as possible. A few years later while training with a group of top-flight athletes in the Philadelphia area, I would learn that my instincts about too much hard running were correct. They taught me how to train in a strong yet sane fashion.

It was a fact that we had a bad habit of running too hard all the time in the Luther program. Lacking an actual distance coach for the track program, we trained according to our own devices and it was up to each of us to find our sweet spot if we found one at all. Last year while talking with my late friend and Hall of Fame Simpson College coach Keith Ellingson, he agreed that we’d all been a bit nuts in our approach. One dark February evening we ran a workout of 28 quarter-miles at 80 seconds with thirty seconds of rest between.

There was one relatively good thing going on that winter of 1978. I’d met a girl and was going steady. The raw comfort of companionship can carry a man a long way. I can’t say that I was the best boyfriend to her. I casually mocked the daily devotions she liked to read. In truth, she was a sweet Lutheran girl looking for a long-term relationship. I was a cynical expatriated Christan coming off a semester’s study in the Philosophy of Existentialism. We met somewhere in between and tried to make it work.

At that point in time, I was so determined to run better and break out of a terminal funk that I didn’t care that much who I dated. If that sounds dismissive or shallow, at least I’m being honest. There was plenty of conflicted behavior flying around the campus in the late 1970s. As a member of the somewhat revered Alpha Psi sorority, my girlfriend hung with an intense social crowd. They conducted an annual fundraiser on campus during Valentine’s Day. Students could purchase tickets that delivered either a Kiss, a Hug or a Slap to whomever one wanted to send it. And sure enough, those girls delivered kisses, hugs and slaps as ordered. That stuff would never fly these days.

My gal was obsessed with this strawberry lip gloss that she applied every day. I couldn’t stand the stuff, but didn’t dare say anything for fear of offending her. What I cared about, to be quite frank, was getting laid as often as I could.

Because that seemed to go right along with me getting faster that winter. I still recall climbing onto the team bus for a morning drive to the University of Northern Iowa with the fresh funk of lovemaking on my person. It gave me confidence. My indoor times in the 1500 meters dropped from 4:10 to 4:03. My mile time improved to 4:21. I won an indoor two-mile on a 176-yard track while going away with a time of 9:33. At that point, one of our coaches pulled me aside and commented, “It’s about time you made up your mind to run.”

He was right, but that was a sort of backward compliment. Yet I can still remember the feel of soaring around that track in complete control of my fitness and focus.

As the spring track season arrived, I concentrated on the steeplechase again and qualified for nationals a second time. I won the conference steeple title too, and dropped my three-mile time as well.

But things were getting weird with my girlfriend, as she showed some jealously toward my running as the weeks wore on. That was something I was not about to tolerate. Not when track success was finally mine. Granted, I was only half-committed to the relationship, and even dated a girl that I really liked when I was back home on spring break. But one night, as we were making out in the front seat of my car, I muttered my college girlfriend’s name. She pulled back, stared at me and said, “Okay, it’s time to go home.”

The mind of a hormone-obsessed twenty-year-old kid is not really rational. That’s why it helped to have outlets like running and art to keep me sane.

One of the four murals I painted that year for the Lake Meyer Nature Center in Calmar, Iowa.

In spring during a break in our track meet schedule, my college girlfriend and I decided to go on a trip to LaCrosse with another couple. They were not the sort of people with whom I normally associated, so I felt a little off from the get-go. Then we started drinking and my girlfriend was mixing really strong rum and Cokes. Before I knew it, I was plastered and staggering drunk. We somehow drove into town for dinner and I recall slumping to the floor in a McDonald’s in downtown LaCrosse.

That night was not a pretty sight. Nor was the feeling of our relationship after that. I sensed there was a bit of spite in the strength of those drinks. It almost felt like she was trying to destroy a part of me and take some control. Part of our relationship was like two rough surfaces rubbing together. It created friction.

A week later we dressed up to go to the formal held by my fraternity. She came dressed in a puffy mint-green chiffon dress that I instantly hated. It made her look fat, for one thing, but I didn’t say a word. We walked out the bottom floor of Dieseth Hall and were making our way down the steep incline of the icy driveway when she slipped and fell on her back. I tried to stop her from sliding but she outweighed me by ten pounds (I weighed 140) and it was no use. We slid all the way down the hill and stopped in a black, icy mud puddle. Her dress was ruined. We went back to the dorm and she changed into something less formal that I actually liked much better. In the back of my mind, I thought, God works in strange ways sometimes. We actually had a nice time that night.

By the end of the year, I came to the conclusion that our relationship should end. My father picked us up at college and we drove back to Chicago so that she could catch a flight to Cleveland. On the five-hour drive home, she kept reaching up from the back seat to rub my arm and by that point, it annoyed me. I wanted nothing to do with her anymore. My selfishness was rude, but that’s how it is when whatever love you had is gone.

We took her to the airport the next day and I gave her a long hug. “Promise you’ll write,” I think she said, and I nodded back and smiled. Back in the car, I turned to my father as we drove away and said, “Well, I’m over her.” In profoundly practical fashion my father responded, “Well, at least she kept you warm for a while.” I could always count on my father to put things plainly.

I’ll not claim that I was good to her. Mostly I was caught up in the ’70s psychology that dating was about getting what you wanted from someone. I wasn’t thinking about marriage at the time, or the fact that some young women might actually look at college as a place to meet a potential husband. Those were deep dives I was nowhere near ready to take. I was just a young kid pushing social buttons so that I could prove myself to others. In some ways, that relationship was a product of that attitude. If I ever meet her again, I’ll apologize for that.

For me, that need for approval was what so much of life was about. It was a cycle to which I submitted my self-esteem for far too long. Yet as the semester ended and I returned home with some running and art success under my belt, a renewed sense of confidence began to emerge within me. It was time to make some changes.

Posted in Christopher Cudworth, college, foregiveness, mental health, track and field | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

50 Years of Running: A Few Jokers and Wild Cards

Luther Coach Kenton Finanger, Dani Fjelstad, Christopher Cudworth, Keith Ellingson, Steven (Duke Corson) and Paul (Moon Mullen).

The interesting thing about cross country as a sport is that teammates tend to spend enormous amounts of time together. Whereas athletes in track and field tend to split into training groups for mid-distance and long-distance training, in cross country it’s “all-in” all the time.

As freshman, our group of five classmates entered the Luther program and constituted much of the scoring for that year and next. We were the wild cards in a rebuilding program that helped achieve a perfect score in conference our first year and nearly repeat the trick the next, with 16 points.

That 1976 season is when we added a sixth joker to our deck. His legal name is Steve Corson, but we all called him Duke. He played Luther football his freshman year but decided to come out for cross country as a sophomore. He had already made a strong impression as a trackster competing in the half and mile races. Possessed of innate strength and speed, he needed to grow as a distance runner to compete in cross country.

That he did. He looked like our version of the late Steve Prefontaine with his Fu Manchu mustache, strong physique and ‘have-at-em” running style. He was admittedly a Wild Card in other ways, as cross country racing required a consistency of habit with which he was not always familiar. Plus he loved to live fast and fun and was popular across a number of campus segments.

Yet when he was on, he was very on. When the sport called for toughness, he was extremely tough. I well recall watching him finish a five-mile race against the University of Wisconsin-LaCrosse in which he arrived at the finish chute with his white Luther shirt covered in a bright red spray of blood. His sinuses had dried during the race and the blood burst forth across his bearded face.Yet he finished, wiped it off, and uttered some sort of combination of disgusted and amazed profanity at the experience.

He was also funny in ways that really helped our team. Following one particularly long practice, Coach Finanger sent us into the pool to loosen up and splash around. Duke found his way to the high diving board and repeatedly flew off the board with dolphin-like-in-air gyrations and antics that can’t be described. I hung onto the edge of the pool laughing. He was simply a larger-than-life character. At least, in my estimation he was.

That was his nature. He seemed unafraid to try anything. I once watched him slide down the Union hill on a cafeteria tray and fly off a sidewalk mid-air through the woods and disappear among the bushes and snowbanks below. “Oh My God,” I said out loud. “Duke might be dead.”

Yet he managed to land safely and emerged from the drifts covered in snow, laughing loudly, and said something like, “Well, I better not try that again.” Understatement of the Year.

His companion in many of these antics was my cross country teammate and roommate during sophomore year and junior year, Paul Mullen, also known as Moon. The two of them were at times inseparable. When we weren’t all running together, there were foosball games in the college union, where Moon’s defensive skills and Duke’s fast and powerful wrist shots won the table many times over. That profound “THUNK” of a foosball slamming the back of an opponent’s goal when Corson sent it home still resounds all these years later. Sometimes he’d look up with a grin, and you could sense the satisfaction.

The voices of those two boys often mixed together in laughter. Moon’s laugh was typically low and growling, and always in on the joke. By contrast, Duke’s laugh was high and full of mirth, daring people to figure out what was funny in any situation. They quacked like ducks at people acting stupid, and we engaged in constant banter that was less than complimentary about the people we chose to criticize. Such is the language of the terminally competitive. We weren’t always kind, but we found our funny on many occasions.

Sometimes Duke and Moon got into minor trouble ramming about the way they did. One Friday night a group of us were headed to a dance club when we spied Duke’s tiny blue Mustang with its wheels on both sides of a ditch. One of them had turned too quickly on an icy Decorah night and plopped the car into the snow.

When it came to running, Duke had strong, muscular legs and a loping stride that always made it look like he was ready to start a finishing kick. Moon ran lower to the surface and drove forward with his arms. Our teammate Keith Ellingson had a smooth stride that seemed to defy gravity. Dani Fjelstad always clipped along, typically with a midfoot strike, always ready to apply a burst of speed at a second’s notice.

Christopher Cudworth leading a Mankato runner and teammate Dani Fjelstad in a dual meet on the Luther campus.

I prided myself on having good running form, something I learned as a freshman in high school after reading a Sports Illustrated article on the subject. Having good form was actually a necessity with my taller frame. The trick was putting it to good use…

Early in the season of 1977, all of us were clicking with fast times at the four-mile distance. At the Iowa State Invitational, it was Ellingson, 20:13, Fjelstad 20:18, Mullen, 20:39 and Cudworth 20:46. Luther finished fourth behind Iowa State, Club Midwest, and Central Missouri.

A week later, we took third behind Augustana and Hamline in our own Luther All-American Invitational, besting teams like LaCrosse, St. Olaf, St. Thomas, and Carleton in the process. It was Mullen, 20:39 in sixth, teammate Eric Lindberg in 8th at 20:43, Fjelstad 12th, Cudworth19th, and Corson 25th. We may have been a pack of jokers, but we were kicking ass and making a name for ourselves.

A week later we swept through the Grinnell invite with a perfect score of 15 points. Dani Fjelstad led our pack, followed by Mullen, Ellingson, Cudworth, and Lindberg. The team in second place was Central College with 90 points.

We moved up to the five-mile distance for the next meet, with Fjelstad leading again and Corson running as our fifth man. I had a relatively off race in 27:00, and finished out of our top seven. Then we won the St. Olaf Invitational the following week, beating LaCrosse by a narrow margin, 73 to 78. There was always a keen rivalry between our schools.

The next week at Carthage, I came down with a cold and finished as our 13th man in 27:40. Luther still won the meet, beating Northwestern University 65 to 76. I bounced back the following week to run 26:15 as our sixth man behind Ellingson, Mullen, Lindberg, Fjelstad, and Corson. We had five men under 26:00 that day.

Then came the Iowa Conference meet held at Waverly, Iowa on November 4th. That race turned out to be one of the most difficult moments of my life to that point.

What I recall from the race is that it was nearly dark by the time we finished. But a different kind of darkness had already swept over me that day. Something about the changing seasons or the loss of sunlight was affecting me.

Or worse, I’d struggled some that fall with the emotional aftereffects of working at that horridly depressing summer job at Olympic Stain. The verbal and physical abuse had taken a toll on my psyche. Whatever the case, my body and mind at the conference meet were locked in a struggle just to run. It was like one of those bad dreams where you want to run away and can’t. Looking back, I now realize it was the first bout of genuine depression that I’d ever experienced. Over many decades, I’ve learned much more about my mental health, depression and anxiety. And ADHD, which is often found in association with the aforementioned conditions.

I felt bad about that conference race because I’d finished ninth and twelfth at Conference as a freshman and sophomore. But darkness owned my soul that day in Waverly, and I struggled home in 25th place. I staggered to the bus embarrassed and ashamed that I’d failed the team after what had mostly been a solid season.

There were important team and individual triumphs to be celebrated, however. Keith Ellingson and Paul Mullen raced to a tie for the Conference Championship. The trophy was given to Ellingson, an honor that Paul Mullen explained to me years later: “He deserved the win. I was hanging on the whole way.” But you can see their mutual determination in the photo below.

Keith Ellingson and Paul Mullen pulling away for a conference victory in November, 1977.

We’d won our third straight Iowa Conference title that day, but I sat in the bus thick with anger and frustration. I went back to campus that evening wondering what had happened to my brain that afternoon. Perhaps I’d actually been sick and didn’t know it? That was always a possibility during all that intense training. It also probably didn’t help that in class I’d been studying the Philosophy of Existentialism and concepts such as the irreversibility of time and the hell is other people notions of Jean Paul Sartre. That probably didn’t help my emotional state much. But it has fueled decades of healthy cynicism about the human condition. So there’s that.

We all know that hell is feeling all alone with your most recent failure. Yet if anything marks the character of a distance runner, it is the ability to bounce back from a bad performance. On November 12 of that same year, I sucked it up and ran as our fifth man at Nationals, helping lead the team to an 8th place finish, the highest of our college career to that point. And we did it in thick snow covering the course in Ohio.

Our finishing order was Keith Ellingson in 38th place at 27:05, Paul Mullen in 50th at 27:12, Erik Lindberg 58th at 27:15 and Steve Corson 68th in 27:21. I was our fifth man that day at 123rd with a time of 27:46. The spread between our first and fourth man was only 16 seconds. We beat regional rivals St. Olaf and Hamline, Carleton and Augustana.

Sadly, for many years I let that one bad race color my recollection of a junior year college cross country season. Looking at the results, I realize that 1977 was not a bad season for me. There’s a lesson in that for all of us. Forgive yourself for failures recent or past. None of us is perfect.

We hung together that year winning four straight invitationals including the conference meet, and built lifetime friendships in the process. For a bunch of jokers and a few wild cards, we did all right.

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