How running and riding teach important leadership skills

By Christopher Cudworth

MScottIn the iconic television show The Office we encountered an odd mix of incapable and sometimes unwilling leaders. The character Michael Scott played by Steve Carrell wanted to lead but had no real idea how to do it. His triumphs were often by accident while his earnest attempts at true leadership often went down in flames.

Meanwhile his Type B sidekick Jim Halperin wanted little to do with leadership. He was happier to bust on his arch-nemesis Dwight Schrute whose leadership consisted of massively obvious power grabs accented by an odd mix of family tradition and secret love affairs.

The whole point of the show is that leadership is not always easy. We may criticize our bosses and executives, but the fact that they are attempting to lead is generally deserving of some respect.

Or perhaps not in some circumstance. Thinking back to the early days of a running career that began at age 12, it is easy to recall the wide variety of so-called leadership styles you inevitably encounter in sports such as cross country and track and field.

Faux leaders

The “leaders” we least liked were runners who killed everyone in practice and could not perform well in meets. One such teammate could run 5:20 miles forever it seemed. Our distance runs were often pulled below 6:00 mile pace as a result of his desire to constantly prove his prowess on long training runs. That meant we never fully recovered from races. By mid-season the whole team grew stale because of one runner. Finally we rebelled and told him, in so many words, to f*** off. We let him go. It made no difference to our own training and race performance how fast that guy ran. Our job was to run 5:00 pace in races, not 5:20 miles in training. There is a time and place for speed, but not on every training run.

It’s true in cycling too. There are riders who can hold 20-24 mph forever but when it comes to racing a criterium at 26-28 they are nowhere to be found. That type of leader is not the kind you want to follow if you plan to improve your own racing plans. Even in individual sports like triathlon you have to choose your leaders carefully or risk being pulled out of the training regimen that best suits your plans and your needs.

Control freaks

Another type of faux leader is the Control Freak. These “leaders” are constantly manipulating the group in terms of workout planning. Sometimes the top runners assume this role and refuse to change the overall plan even when the middle or slower runners can’t handle the mix of training doled out by the Control Freak. Good coaches will spot that problem right away. Oregon coach Bill Bowerman was known to prescribe workouts specific to the ability of each runner. A Control Freak can’t handle that kind of individualized freedom or personalized attention. It’s their way or the highway. They’ll even control who gets to take the lead in distance runs or rides. Yes, control freaks often great gains in the short term. Yet they often neglect to appreciate the Big Picture and you lose opportunities for peak performance or new opportunities in the process.

So one must be careful how much you fall in line with the goals of a control freak. Remember their objectives are primarily self-centered. They may sound like they know what they’re doing but that is not always true when it comes to what’s best for you, your team, or your company.

The So-called Friend

Some people view leadership as a tool for gaining friends. The ironic aspect of this type of leadership is that ultimately every person has their own competitive goals and when a so-called friend gets crossed up by someone doing better than them they can get a little testy. When you beat a “friend” there are consequences to live with. They may not call you any more or else get snarky in some other way, posting disparaging comments on social media or talking behind your back. In other words, The So-Called Friend is not so much a friend as a person that needs you to bolster their own ego and sense of power. I often counseled my own children in middle school and high school that it not always your enemies you need to keep an eye on. Even the best friendships can be a power struggle.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

So, we’ve covered a few of the negative types of leadership and how they impact others. What does it take to become a positive leader in your running, riding or other pursuits in life?

The Exemplar

To be exemplary is to be strong in your behavior no matter what your actual talent level. Set the example for good conduct by taking on your share of the burden. In cycling that means sharing the pulls especially on windy days. In running that means taking your turn at the head of the group during interval training. Be an example in leadership and do your part even if it means you struggle a bit during the rest of the workout when you are not playing the lead role. That hard work in the wake of stretching yourself builds character. A true leader is willing to sacrifice themselves in training knowing that the long term benefits will come forward when asked to push it in a race. The same thing is true in business. People appreciate those willing to invest in the foundation of any plan even if it means they don’t get to take full credit at the end. Real leaders recognize the value in that.

The Positivist

Being positive is important in all sports. That does not mean being unrealistic or such a cheerleader no one can stand to be around you. It does mean controlling your negative thoughts and doubts. it also means being judicious in what you verbalize, especially in group situations. Be positive and that will reinforce your confidence and put you in a position of natural, organic leadership. People draw strength from those willing to put themselves on the line and lead by positive example.

The Performer

The ultimate expression of leadership is performance. That is, keeping your energies firmly focused on doing your best when it counts.

Sometimes encouragement from others can provide you the inspiration necessary to lead. I recall a teammate coming up to me the week before a race to bolster my confidence. “Cud,” he said. “We need you to step up this weekend. You can do it!”

So simple. Yet so profound. Leadership also comes from expectations, in other words. By supporting others you can be a leader for those who need extra confidence.

The idea (and ideals) of leadership

The whole idea of being a leader is not just to come in first. It is also to build up a team and yourself in ways that provide lasting strength and improvement. That is one of the hardest things to achieve. When you are running or riding your best it is hard to want to slow down and pull along a teammate. But if you simply pull away every day in training that person loses hard. The same thing goes with including someone on a project at work. Respect their contributions and you’ll find yourself respected as a leader in all the right ways.

Again, if you are blessed to have a really great day in a race and exceed your personal record in running, cycling or triathlon, you know what it feels like to lead from the inside out. There is no greater feeling than knowing you have done your best, but great athletes and great leaders know how to handle themselves. Recently at the end of a long run I spotted a piece of paper on the ground and bent down to pick it up. In scrawled handwriting on the back of an envelope it read: “When you lose, say little. When you win say even less.”

I wondered who had written those words, but they capture the spirit of leadership in a number of ways. It doesn’t mean you cannot recount the hardships of training and racing. We all learn from how others describe their perceived efforts. It does mean you should not complain during or after a tough effort. You also should not gloat if you’re feeling great. Remember your day might come when you don’t feel so well. You don’t like to listen to others gloat then either, do you?

People will respect you even more if you abide by these leadership guidelines. The sports of running and riding naturally place you in positions where you are called to lead. So how does that transfer to other aspects of life?

Perhaps the most important thing you can do to transfer that type of organic leadership training is to become aware of leadership principles. Then you can build on the mental strength gained from running and riding and build it into your business acumen, your avocation, volunteer leadership or family life.

5 Great Principles of Leadership

1. Respect the time of others. Being a leader means being organized enough and confident in your plans to get the job or workout done in the time allotted. Nothing says “I don’t respect you” more than wasting the time of others.

2. Respect the contributions of others. Even if you do not agree with how someone does a task or a workout, show respect and deal with your differences in a constructive fashion when there is time to discuss it .

3. Show faith in the group. Even if you are the best athlete or smartest person it is important to show leadership by immersing yourself in the group effort. Otherwise you will find your leadership dissipating even as your supposed status increases.

4. Give praise intelligently. Going overboard in praise is never wise, but praise earned by hard effort is always worth sharing.

5. Balance your strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect. Every leader has flaws. But if you make clear your efforts to improve you will receive support even in those areas where you leadership, raw talent or hard work falls short. Leadership is a process, not a single event. That’s why balance means the most to leadership over the long term.

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Are we ready for Concealed Carry for those who run and ride?

By Christopher Cudworth

The inside scoop on Concealed Carry is that people really don't know how the law works.

The inside scoop on Concealed Carry is that people really don’t know how the law works.

In 40+ years of running and 10+ years of cycling, I’ve spent thousands of hours on the roads encountering all sorts of traffic and other random ass behavior.

Which has taught me a few things about random ass behavior. One: it really is random. Two: there are quite a few asses in this world.

Things have actually gotten better over the years for those of us who run. Back in the 1970s when I started training on the roads runners were a real novelty. That meant people felt it was funny to lean out the car window and shout things at us. Some even threw bottles at me, or half empty cans of beer. But there was a time….

So funny. Not.

One enterprising group of kids happened to have water balloons in the car for some reason. If it sounds funny to throw a water balloon at someone considering the fact that a car traveling at 25 mph increases the velocity of that balloon and it realllly hurts when you get struck in the back. I could hear them laughing as they drove ahead down the road but had I had a gun at the moment I would gladly have shot out their tires.

Knife attack. 

A year after that incident I was running through the quiet little town of Geneva, Illinois when a group of kids hanging out in front of the theater decided to harass me as I ran by. One yelled something about my manhood and I turned and gave him an angry fist pump in return. Big mistake. He came running after me with all 250 lbs of his girth but lost the footrace. Then he jumped in an orange Renault and a car full of them pursued me around the block until one of them jumped out and literally threw a big knife at me.

Had I been armed at that point, I would gladly have shot him in the kneecap.

Road rage. In deed. 

Then when I took up cycling the threats to my health turned even stranger and more dangerous. People seem to get angry that they have to share the road with a bike. It happens fairly often, usually once a week in fact. Some turbocharged soul drives by with his engine gunning and flips you the bird. A month ago one of them yelled “Get on the bike path!” even though there were no bike paths in sight. Not for 10 miles in fact. Talk about irrational thinking. See, he’d stored up his anger and was just waiting for someone to release it upon. But his anger backfired.

I kept my pace of 20mph and rolled up behind him at the next stop sign. That’s when he pulled his truck onto the gravel shoulder to block my path. So I stopped and said calmly to the open window in the back of his pickup cab, “It’s called a road bike genius. That’s why we ride it on the road.”

Fist fights.

If only most encounters ended so mildly. Because quite a few drivers over the years have turned anger into threats. One of my riding companions was accosted physically by a man who first swerved his car at the group of cyclists and then pulled his vehicle to the side of the road, jumped out in front of them on their bikes and threw a punch at a rider while yelling something about “getting off the road.”

That fellow got the worst of it when his punch missed and one of the cyclists responded with a solid punch to his tense jaw. Down he went. Then the cops arrived and the guy who threw the first punched pressed charges. The cyclist who connected was issued a ticket by the policemen who arrived on the scene.

How is that even close to justice? It isn’t. The aggressions shown toward cyclists and runners don’t always ends in fist fights or thrown knifes. But those are genuine threats.

The law.

What also constitutes a threat? Is driving too close to cyclist a threat? Passing inside of three feet of a cyclist with a vehicle is against the law here in Illinois. But what is the implication if along with passing too close a driver lays on the horn loudly and hollers a threat or makes an obscene gesture. How do we determine if that is intended as an act of violence toward those innocently using the roads for transportation or recreation.

If we abide by the Concealed Carry laws now in effect in 50 states, one could legitimately argue that in such circumstances a cyclist or runner would have the right to defend themselves. If you carry a firearm and perceive yourself to be at risk for physical harm or even death, it is technically your call on how to use that firearm. You could shoot out the tires of a truck or car whose driver showed open aggression toward you. Or you could shoot the driver who jumps out of their vehicle brandishing a knife or throwing punches in your direction.

Ignorance abounds.

The fact of the matter is that very few people really know the law as it pertains to these situations. If those actions stemming from Concealed Carry are not lawful, then they must be delineated through firearms education.

A story on CBSLocal.com outlines the poor understanding of how Concealed Carry laws really apply. “Even McCarthy (a state police officer) who has been one of the most vocal critics of the law allowing Illinois residents to carry concealed firearms in public, warned there will be confrontations that could escalate into a deadly shooting – similar to January, when a retired police officer shot and killed a man who had been using his cell phones during the previews at a movie theater; or when a Florida man shot four teens – killing one – during an argument over loud rap music in 2012.”

Beyond theory. 

So it is not some theoretical issue that those who run and ride might want to protect themselves. One could definitely understand the reasons why a woman might want to carry a pistol to protect themselves while running. The risks of rape or harassment are indeed real in many locations. So if a woman runner or cyclist pistol-whipped a potential rapist how would the law determine if his intent were real or misunderstood? Our culture and especially politicians clearly struggle with understanding rape and how to interpret what actually constitutes rape.

Violent fantasies.

My own violent fantasies have often escalated when threatened by crazed drivers. Sitting there on your bike at a stop light while some deranged guy yells epithets at you can make you feel pretty vulnerable. And pretty angry. And if that guy gets out of this truck with a weapon of some sort, even a hammer, what is there to defend your honor and well-being except a bike pump and maybe a wrench?

But if you whip out a pistol things get even real quick, don’t they?

Pro-gun? Not really. 

Now I’m not a gun advocate. I think Concealed Carry laws are nuts. The fact that we have them in all 50 states is testament not to the intelligence of our culture but the power and ability of the most stupid interpreters of the Second Amendment to threaten and cajole the public into approving of Concealed Carry. They have played on our fears and our most aggressive instincts, and plied the political process with money and threats to the point where justice can no longer be managed or served.

That’s because the type of guns and the number of them now available far outstrips the Second Amendment law that says our nation shall have a well-regulated militia. The Second Amendment does not, as gun proponents like to claim, guarantee absolute freedom to own weapons without restrictions. A well-regulated citizenry must absolutely protect against the establishment of vigilante justice, which is where the laws providing Concealed Carry now rest. More Americans have been killed by gun violence than all the soldiers who have ever died in American wars on foreign soils. We’re literally at war with ourselves. All because of the fantasy that guns protect our freedoms. It’s a violent farce. A black comedy. We see proof of that every time a new rash of gun violence and mass killings breaks out. It will never stop unless we hold the Second Amendment to its promise of a well-regulated gun culture.

Surprise, surprise. 

See, right now the balance is tipped heavily toward those who love to own guns and see them as the great equalizer in society. And we all expect as a rule that gun owners abide by the law. But what does that really mean? If self-defense is that important to society, what if it starts to get turned on its head by the weakest elements of society such as cyclists or runners who simply want to Share the Road and keep getting threatened by those who don’t know how to abide by the law. A vehicle can serve as much as a weapon as any gun you might want to own.

So it is interesting to think about the surprise of some gun-toting pickup driver jumping out of his F-250 with angry threats toward a cyclist for riding on the road only to face the barrel of a dark little glock pistol held by a lycra-wrapped cyclist with blood-red eyes behind his Oakley shades. “Get back in your fucking truck right now,” the cyclist would growl. “Before I give that ugly tire around your waist a permanent flat.”

Oh, the violent joy in that would make the papers indeed. But would all those traditional gun lovers love the tale? Or would they accuse some liberal candy-ass cyclist wearing a stretchy outfit and bright colors of taking liberties against someone with more rights to the road. Would the conservative faction of this nation jump to the defense of the motorist as having more rights than the cyclist? Or would the conservative crowd find merit in the idea that freedom means freedom for all, not just those with motorized wheels? That’s the tarsnake of all this Concealed Carry stuff.

Those are questions yet to be asked or answered. But perhaps it’s time someone took a shot at it. Because that’s how America rolls.

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New types of yoga for those who run and ride

By Christopher Cudworth

YogaForRunningJan500x310Here at We Run and Ride we’re always trying to stay on the forefront of what’s hot and what’s not in training for running and riding.

Just so’s you know: yoga for runners and cyclists is really hot right now.

In fact Hot Yoga is really popular. But guys and gals, be careful not to get confused. Hot Yoga is not supposed to be gawking at the great bodies in your yoga class. It’s not polite to judge such things.

In fact you’re not supposed to judge anything at all in yoga-anonymous-greenyoga. “This is not a competition,” our instructor always says. But try to tell that to my hamstrings when my quadriceps are competing for dominance of everything below the buttocks. And competition hurts.

Yoga is like that. You are not supposed to feel pain per se but I will let you in on a secret. Unless you’re the Boomshamalama Yogi from somewhere south of New Delhi, yoga hurts and always will. That is one of the tarsnakes of practicing yoga. It often hurts to get better.

Tarsnake Principles

It’s a simple principle you see. Cyclists are quite familiar with the saying “It never gets easier, you just go faster.” The entire enterprise of fitness is based on the principle of pushing yourself well past your ability to tolerate pain and exhaustion. No pain, no gain they say. Yoga begs to differ but yoga begs a lot of things from you. Best to ignore that small voice in your head saying that you’re about to break in two and do your best to get that heel up over your neck and shut the hell up.

New Forms of Old Pain

No matter what actual type of yoga I am practicing, it feels like Inquisition Yoga. That is, a nice little combination between torture and confession. When the instructor walks by and whispers “How are you doing?” she might as well be discussing the feelings of a man about to be drawn and quartered by a set of four powerful horses driven by the evil henchman of a corrupt Pope.

Maple leaf in rainThat is not what yoga is supposed to be like. You’re supposed to be increasing your flexibility and strength while moving toward a state of inner bliss equal to the feeling of Haagen Das® Rum Raisin Ice Cream coating your brain.

So okay. I still suck at yoga. But wait, that might mean I simply invented a new form of practice. Suck Yoga is for all those people who cannot not reach their toes if you pay them a million dollars. That means you simply suck in your gut and stretch as far as you can while thinking to yourself, “I suck at this but at least I’m trying.”

Come to think of it, I have actually experienced an entire litany of new styles of yoga. Here are descriptions of some of the types of practice that are not well documented, but just as real for many of us trying to use yoga to improve our running and riding.

2010jp_bananaBanana Peel Yoga

You start with the imagined feeling  you are piece of long pale fruit and wind up feeling like a brown banana coated with bruises from pressing body parts down onto the mat so hard your clothes almost peel off your body. Welcome to Bananarama, my friend, where all you want to do is strip off your clothes and inspect the damage for yourself. Just be sure you don’t slip into something too comfortable or you’ll never get out the door for a run or a ride.

frogsBoiling Frog Yoga

There’s this wonderful fable about the fact that a frog dumped into boiling water will immediately jump out while a frog placed in water which is then raised to boiling temperature will sit there and slowly cook to death. Well, when it comes to yoga, sometimes I am that frog in the slowly heated water. My body is cooking from the inside out and I am anxious and impatient rather than meditative as the hour of practice whiles away. I wind up a gelatinous green heap by the end of the class, apparently devoid of bones and with a very stupid expression on my face. I can tell you this much: it can be very hard to go out and run when you are in a gelatinous state, but it does teach you how to survive the last few miles of a marathon or a cycling Century.

imgresBury Me Now Yoga

There are times when yoga puts you in a state of bliss. Of course that involves quite a bit of concentration, sometimes to the point where you actually achieve an out of body experience. Things get so peaceful it almost makes you wonder if it is worth all the trouble of coming back into this world. Bury Me Now Yoga puts you in that state of mind where you are faced with that awful choice of actually returning to reality to pay your bills or going instead for a long, long run or ride with the angels. Trust me there are days when that choice is much harder to make than you might imagine.

Wicked Witch of the West Yoga

imagesIf you do yoga properly, the deepest muscles in your body are engaged and the world starts to shimmer and shine with promise and enlightenment. The inside of your brain feels like the Emerald City in the Wizard of Oz. But then sweat starts to stream down your body as if there is no tomorrow. At that point you begin to realize that there is far more water in your body than solid matter. You begin to melt into the floor like the Wicked Witch of the West when she gets hit with water. “I’m melting….melting!” you cry as you slip down between the cracks in the yoga studio floor. All that is left of you is a stretchy little yoga outfit and the RoadID bracelet you forgot to take off your ankle. At least they’ll know who you were to call your family.

Gumby and Pokey Yoga

41g82G2myWLMost of us familiar with Gumby and Pokey know their amazing flexibility. It helped they were made of rubber with twistly little wires for bone structure. Unfortunately most of us are not borne with Gumby and Pokey anatomy, but that is a fact entirely lost on most yoga instructors. Instead they encourage you to twist into shapes and poses that are not meant for humans. Downward Dog? Sure. Child’s Pose? Okay, all good. Head Up Your Ass? That’s asking a bit too much of your yoga practice. But don’t be discouraged. We can’t all be Yogi Shamalamadingdong. Settle for imitating Gumby and Pokey, the original yoga practitioners from the 60s.

Now you know more about yoga for runners and riders than you probably ever hoped to know. Here at We Run and Ride we’re always on the forefront of current trends in running and cycling. So we encourage you to go find your own brand of yoga bliss. Because that’s the right spirit, you adventurous little minks and minkettes. Run on. Ride on. And yoga down. It all works together.

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The great joys of running and riding in the summer rain

By Christopher Cudworth

Fun, but not exactly a ride for fitness.

Fun, but not exactly a ride for fitness.

A recent weekend full of fun obligations kept me from any serious time on the bike. I did get out for a couple 6-mile rides with friends and family, but nothing to build any real fitness.

By Tuesday I was aching for a ride but the skies were low and wet. Thankful for the rain however, I stood looking out at the garden soaking up needed moisture and considered whether it was worth suiting up for a ride or a run.

Actually running was not really an option. Not until I solve the achilles tendon soreness that cropped up two weeks ago. That means a trip to the pedorthist and a pair of new shoes at least. Like so many things in life, when it rains, it seems to pour…

Rainy running

The Meadia Heights Golf Club in Pennsylvania where I grew up running in the rain.

The Meadia Heights Golf Club in Pennsylvania where I grew up running in the rain.

Not that I don’t like running in the rain. I love it. Always have. By the time I was nine years old I can clearly recall running barefoot on the short wet grass of Meadia Heights Golf Club outside Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

We lived next to the course, and I’d grab a set of golf clubs; 3-wood, 7-iron and putter to play the remote holes when no one else was around on a rainy day. Lacking a cart or bag, I’d run the distance from shot to shot. Often I could find my golf ball by tracing the little lines it left on the damp fairways. Putts would throw up little rooster tails and often the cups were filled with clear, cool rainwater. All told the experience was actually something more than golf. Everything shone and hummed in the soft light of a rainy day. And I ran and ran and ran from hole to hole.

Owning it

I knew the course so well I could play 14 out of the 18 holes without being seen from the clubhouse. It was my private country club in that sense. I was connected to that property more intimately than many of the golfers who paid thousands of dollars to be members of the club. There is no greater privilege than running barefoot on the cleanly mown grass of a golf course during a rainstorm at dawn. I’d be soaked to the skin and slightly out of breath after two or three holes. And man was I alive.

Every summer I’d run and golf in the rain. There would be deer running through the wet forest some mornings. The pelting rain made noise on the leaves and springs bubbled up from the Pennsylvania ground.

During one long rainstorm those springs ran for hours and my friend and I stripped naked on the 17th fairway where he lived and we turned the fairway into one long Slip and Slide. We’d run headlong and dive into the cold clear stream ahead, or ride on our naked butt cheeks as long as our momentum would take us. We were twelve years old and had no worries about what others would think. His sisters came out to watch and we cared not one whit that we were naked. And that, my friends, is how life should actually be lived.

Associations

By the age of 12 I had learned that my running ability was better than most. I dominated the training runs in baseball practice and led the 12:00 minute run in gym class. But the formal training that would follow never diminished that love of freedom and joy at running in the rain.

Full gutters and wet streets make for interesting running and riding.

Full gutters and wet streets make for interesting running and riding.

We’d get caught in thunderstorms as a team in high school and come trundling home from a wet practice laughing and splashing each other in deep puddles along the curbs. Really, we were still just kids.

In college one spring we set out for a 13 mile run and the skies opened up at three miles and never let up. Our cotton sweats got heavy and baggy. The crotch of the sweat bottoms sagged to our knees. We had to run like Oompa Loompas. Our shoes were heavy too. After the run we weighed ourselves and realized there were six to seven pounds of water bogging us down. “Training effect!” my teammate laughed.

Running in the rain brings out the kid in you, which may be why I specialized in running the steeplechase in college. The chance to splash through the water was too much to resist. And everyone would gather near the steeple pit secretly hoping someone would go down in the drink. It’s human nature. A baptism of sorts. Even Jesus got dunked when he was ready to begin his ministry. Water is like that. A cathartic force in this world.

Hurricane

Even as a supposedly mature adult that feeling of liberation at running in the rain is still familiar and joyful. A few years back when a hurricane swept up through Illinois from the Gulf of Mexico, the rain it brought was so prodigious it called me outside to run. Wearing a pair of older shoes I took off into the gusts and giant raindrops ripping across the landscape. At times the rain was so loud it hurt your eardrums as raindrops the size of ping pong balls bashed down on my hat and struck the ground. The street was alive with cats and dogs and there were really no puddles because everything, everywhere was a puddle. Then a stream. Then a river. Running water. Life water. Crazy, happy water.

Beware of wet tarsnakes and water-filled potholes. Or not.

Beware of wet tarsnakes and water-filled potholes. Or not.

Drivers honked their horns at the sight of a crazy runner piling through the rain. It even stopped me cold at times. The drops hurt so bad I had to stand under a tree to gather my wits, chuckling like a madman.

But it was fun and I was laughing and even perhaps crying a couple times at the joy of nature’s force and frivolity. The skies had pulled out all stops and the feeling of running in those conditions was like being in a race where you lost your fear of pain and were just letting it all go. It was raining so hard you felt like a winner and a loser at the same time. And man was I alive.

Rooster Tails

In recent years the joy of running in the rain has been transferred to cycling. Of course early memories of riding a fat tire bike through puddles after a rain storm feed the mind with memories of rooster tails behind a rear wheel with no fenders.

A post-ride pic through the plastic Baggie in which I stashed the iPhone during a ride in the rain.

A post-ride pic through the plastic Baggie in which I stashed the iPhone during a ride in the rain.

So standing in the kitchen looking out at the garden yesterday I decided to go for it. The rain was coming down solid and steady as I pulled on my best-fitting cycling kit along with a day-glo green rain jacket and headed out for a ride.

One could take the sensible advice and avoid riding in the rain. It’s not safe, people will tell you. Those road tires can slide or skid. Tarsnakes can take you down. Drivers won’t see you through rain-slick windshield.

Out we go

Blah blah baaaalaahh. I rode 20+ miles with no problem and averaged just over 17mph despite a strong north wind and a hilly route. The tires shone and the road hissed as I rolled downhill and back up. 17, 18, 19 miles an hour. Let it rip. Have some fun. Be a kid again.

Go ahead. Run or ride through a puddle or two. Or three.

Go ahead. Run or ride through a puddle or two. Or three.

Riding in the rain really rules

I don’t care about getting wet or being wet. I’ve gone out into the rain to ride before and the fact of the matter is, once you’re wet, you no longer notice it. Not if you use some equipment to keep warm in some intelligent way. Plus riding in the rain is actually necessary to gauge the full range of experience in cycling. Just ask any pro rider in the Giro de Italia or Tour de France. Riding in the rain tests your character. Makes you live in the moment.

And, according to The Rules on Velominati it also means you are a badass. For example:

Rule #9

If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.

Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the morning of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon seeing rain falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across their face. This is a rider who loves the work.

That’s a pretty eloquent way of capsulizing our madness. Or is it sanity? Because life is much too short to try to ride or run between the raindrops. Better to go straight through them and actually feel what it means to be alive. And that is why I went out the door into the rain. Life requires more than just fair-weather participation. It’s a law of the universe: If you don’t do out in the rain, the rain will come find you. Guaranteed.

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A bumpy run and ride through the Social Media Landscape

By Christopher Cudworth

What would happen in the Social Media Landscape if by  chance your Strava route resembled an outline of the Virgin Mary?

What would happen in the Social Media Landscape if by chance your Strava route turned out someday to resemble an outline of the Virgin Mary?

It happens so suddenly. One minute you’re harmlessly running or riding your way through the social media landscape, posting to Strava and enjoying a few kudos from friends and followers in return.

Next thing you know, you’ve been pushed off the main road of the Internet highway into an environment you can hardly begin to negotiate. The road is wide but ridden with tarsnakes. You careen from slick to rough road with every new step or pedal stroke. It feels like an amusement park and house of horrors all at one. A joyful and terrifying journey, this is. 

You are running and riding freestyle through the Social Media Landscape.

You don’t know how you got here. You innocently shared a workout on Strava and somehow it showed up on Pinterest. You think, Strava on Pinterest? How the heck? 

Well, running and riding on the the Internet highway can be a confusing place at times. All it takes is an inspired share from someone’s Twitter feed to a Pinterest page and suddenly your innocent little workout is being assessed not only for its telling stats but also its post-Modern commentary on the nature of narcissistic activity. But let’s also not forget its artistic value. The Internet is so confusing you see. It’s easy to get lost in a hurry. 

You suddenly find yourself running and riding through an alternate universe of Social Media Destinations.

You suddenly find yourself running and riding through an alternate universe of Social Media Destinations.

Virgin Territory

That Strava map of your 26.5 mile ride just happens to look like an outline of a praying Virgin Mary? It just went  viral. Now you’re running and riding just to keep up with the digital life of your happenstance Virgin Mary.

People across the Social Media Landscape want to know if you planned the whole route?.Zillions suddenly find you on Facebook. The religious try to recruit you while the irreligious seek to revile you. 

Sharing a Virgin

The Post gets 50,000 Shares, 4326 comments and floats back over to Instagram, where your Virgin Mary ride becomes the sensation of thousands of photo-obsessed smartphone users aching interesting content to make themselves look aware in this digital age. “Look at this!” someone posts. “Somebody rode the Virgin Mary and put her away wet!” The Internet. So classy. 

Uh Oh…

Then your Virgin Mary ride map slides over to Reddit, where a band of vicious little trolls take exception to the entire idea of your Virgin Mary ride having any significance or resemblance to the Holy Mother at all. They start using the word “mother” in a far less

It can be a workout just keeping up with your Social Media connections some days.

It can be a workout just keeping up with your Social Media connections some days.

complimentary way, and it is all aimed directly at you. So you do everything you can to run like hell away from the hecklers but they follow you like a band of cannibals, gnawing at your Gravatar with vicious green teeth. You discover the Redditland can be a very cruel place and determine take a detour next time you run or ride through the Social Media Landscape. 

Escape from Redditland

But you get out of Redditland before you are consumed alive. But without even trying you became the target of thousands of haters issuing down votes on the content you never really wanted to Share on Reddit anyway. Because that’s how the Internet works. It mimics the process of evolution in crucial and verifiable ways. Red in tooth and claw. 

Geek Salvation

So you’re actually somewhat relieved when some techno-geek with a GPS fixation and the equipment to prove it decides to analyze your ride and the actual odds of it forming the shape of the Virgin Mary. He posts his analysis to that business social media site known as LinkedIn. That unleashes your Virgin Mary ride around the world to India because that’s eventually where everything on LinkedIn seems to wind up. Suddenly you get 1,376 Connection requests that simply say: अरे तुम मेरे साथ कनेक्ट होगा?

Before you know it your options multiply. You're lost and almost out of hydration. But you keep on going.

Before you know it your options multiply. You’re lost and almost out of hydration. But you keep on going.

Before you can turn around and come back home from the dry deserts of LinkedIN land your Virgin Mary Strava Ride has taken you tumbling through Tumblr and stumbling through StumbleUpon.

Then someone takes your Strava Ride and creates a YouTube video using Google Streetview and suddenly your day feels like a Social Media Century or Major Messaging Marathon as you struggle to keep pace with the Post That Would Not Die. 

Stravafied

You’ve got 4,000 new followers on Strava now and news media in Australia and the Vatican Press have reached out to you through Twitter. All because you did a mid-tempo ride on a new route because you were bored with doing the same route every week. 

But the Internet loves happenstance reality. Now you’re a Social Media Hero for the amazing journey your Virgin Mary Strava Ride has taken through the Social Media Landscape. You wonder what you can do for an encore. So you begin to plot your next great adventure. Because that’s what we do. Those of us who run and ride.

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The pleasures of a trippy little triathlon

By Christopher Cudworth

Safety is the first priority in all tris and dus.

Safety is the first priority in all tris and dus.

For 11 years the town of Batavia, Illinois has hosted a sprint triathlon and duathlon. The event sells out every year and has grown to more than 800 people. That’s still a lot of swimming, running and riding to support. So the race committee deals with the same logistics as one of the larger triathlons such as those in Naperville, where the Danskin Women’s Triathlon took place the same day.

It is rather funny that an event still comes down to putting boards over speed bumps and plopping orange cones where you need them. You are a fortunate race organizer indeed if nothing happens to any of the competitors. No crashes or wipeouts on the run. The rain predicted the night before turned into spits and not downpours, and the maple leaf helicopters that can turn streets into dangerous slicks did their duty of falling two weeks before the event. So conditions were relatively safe and manageable.

Still, the unknowns are always what you want to calculate. As such, an Experience Triathlon race volunteer named Kurt Woodward was up at 4:00 a.m. driving the city and country roads with an eye out for road kill. “Last year we brought a big flat shovel to scoop up the dead animals,” he related. “And one of them was spread out about 12 feet from front to back. By the time we got done that shovel stunk so bad we could not take it home. We put it in the car at first and then said ‘No way’ and then tossed it in the dumpster.”

Swim competitors line up for their chance to hit the 68-degree water. It was warmer than the air.

Swim competitors line up for their chance to hit the 68-degree water. It was warmer than the air.

So it’s the goal of any race director to have clean streets so there’s no humans hitting the streets in road kill fashion.

A peoplish event

A triathlon and duathlon is totally about people. Lots and lots of people. Spectators line up to watch their friends and family as a show of support. You’ve got your top competitors in their skin suits and $8000 tri-bikes and also people participating in the race wearing baggy shorts and riding mountain bikes with squeaky chains and spider webs between the seat and seat tube.

One determined soul emerged from the swim and began pedaling his bike from transition onto the course only to encounter the steep hill leading out of Quarry Park where the swim segment took place. That rider did his best but there was no way he was going to make it up that hill. For starters, his bike was too small for his own prodigious frame, which likely topped out at 280-300 lbs. Still, he pedaled as far as he could and it was good that he had no toe clips. About halfway up the hill he turned his bike sideways to gain some momentum and almost took out two other riders. At that point he stepped off the bike and began pushing it up the last 30 yards to the top. Then he remounted his trusty steeds and headed off for 14 miles in a strong breeze. Someone quietly muttered, “That’s going to be a long ride for him.” But there was no lack of respect in those words. Just empathy.

The women's winner took home honors from the middle of the overall pack.

The women’s winner took home honors from the middle of the overall pack.

Triathlons are like that. They usually contain a core sample of the human condition. Speedsters strip off their wetsuits and emerge onto hi-tech bikes like hungry larva popping out from some black egg.

Indeed, the national level triathletes in Batavia queued up closely, 1,2,3 as they came out of the water. It remained a tight race between the three all the way through the run. All were in their early 20s. Fit and fast. Having fun unleashing all that training in an environment where there was very real possibility of victory.

That is why we need races large and small, to accommodate those for whom the journey is just a chance to test themselves in some way and an opportunity for those on their way up the triathlon ladder to find passage to a better ranking through adrenaline and hope.

It’s an interesting mix to watch, especially when you’re working the course with a duty to fulfill. Every competitor rolling or running past has that ‘I can do this’ look in their eye. Of course as the racers get to a slower breed that look transforms to an ‘I hope I can do this’ look. Generally these people also have a good sense of humor. So you cheer and even fist bump them into a grin or a ‘yeah baby’ as they move past. Getting a smile out of a tired-looking racer is often the most important thing you can do as a volunteer.

Obviously this woman was competing in the duathlon.

Obviously this woman is a duathlete.

It had been my plan to be one of them. First the goal was to do the triathlon. But learning to swim half decently took more time than I had this spring. The running went well all winter and for some great reason the cycling has gone really well this spring. So I was thinking duathlon at the very least.

But something in my training went awry and an achilles turned sour and sore the last couple weeks. So that needs to be solved. New shoes? A tweak to the orthotics? We’ll see. Whatever the story, it came to a bleak and honest end about a week out from the race.

Volunteering is the next best alternative to doing the race. It was however quite funny that my assigned race post was directly next to the city’s sewage treatment plant. “I’m sorry about this,” the event director said. “I know this spot stinks. But we need someone to keep the runners on course.” The northern breeze was strong but instead of helping it tended to intensify the smell somehow. Like snorting a constant line of stench cocaine it was. Ah well. Such is life.

Like all smells good and bad, you tend to forget about them after a while. Your nose just says ‘screw it’ and stops smelling the highly processed crap smell coming from the giant aluminum dome next to you.

Spectators welcomed the morning sun when it finally emerged from behind the clouds at 7 a.m.

Spectators welcomed the morning sun when it finally emerged from behind the clouds at 7 a.m.

After three or four hours of coaxing runners straight ahead I began to feel like a breed of deranged bird with just one song to sing. “Go to the yellow shirt up ahead” I chirped over and over again.

I could see that it worked however. There were three more miles to run for these triathletes and duathletes emerging from transition a half mile back at the pool parking lot. Their job was just beginning in many ways. This was a ‘brick’ with a purpose. To finish, and finish well.

Soon enough the spectators wanted to follow their chosen participants to the finish line as well. Women with baby strollers and tired looking tweens moved sullenly past. Kids of all ages who got up way, way earlier than they like to do on a Saturday turned out to watch mom or dad compete. All paraded along looking for instructions on where to go next. I dutifully pointed them toward the guy in yellow shirt ahead. Some birds never change.

The reward for those of age was some excellent Samuel Adams beer at the finish line.

The reward for those of age was some excellent Samuel Adams beer at the finish line.

At the actual finish line even the little kids that competed in the Splash and Dash were happily consuming Pal Joey’s pizza by the slice along with cookies and apples, bananas and sports drinks.

Samuel Adams brew was flowing freely even though the people drinking it were confined inside a big plastic fence.

Joe LoPresto, President of Experience Triathlon, handed out the raffle stuff and the medals. Everyone who finished walked away with a participant medal. Those little chunks of metal flashed and shone in the morning sun.

That reminded me of the moment back at 7:00 a.m. when a woman in a short blue skort stood there shivering while clutching her bejeweled cell phone case. The weather app in her phone insisted that the sun was supposed to come out in six minutes. Damned if it didn’t do just that, as if it were all scheduled ahead of time. Then the goose pimples on her tanned legs receded into nothing and we were all just a bit happier in 56 degree temperatures on a June morning. Good day, sunshine.

Someone to root for. Mu companion Suzanne Astra climbs the first hill in the Batavia Triathlon. She finished fifth overall in her age group.

Someone to root for. My companion Suzanne Astra climbs the first hill in the Batavia Triathlon. She finished 5th overall in her age group.

Those who swam and then jumped on their bikes were even chillier of course. I worried about my companion who was racing that morning. Her back has been twitchy at best the last two months. But she swam pretty well and motored up the first hill on that compact frame Scott bike with that familiar smooth style. She took off for the open country and a decent ride leg.

It’s funny how every race is so real for the competitors and nothing more than an hour or more of imagination for those of us stuck along the sidelines. It’s like there are three dimensions to every triathlon. Competitor. Volunteer. Spectator. Varying degrees of participation. All bound up in these protracted moments we call an “event.” It’s all about dimension and perspective. And finding our way to the finish line. Together.

Disclosure: Blogger Christopher Cudworth is a member of Experience Triathlon but has never actually competed in a triathlon other than as a team relay member. Which they won. Yah. His fervent goal is to actually compete in the sport for which the club is named. For now, it is back to cycling criteriums until the achilles heals up. 

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Does it truly matter how well you run and ride?

By Christopher Cudworth

Riding with buddies is an affirmation that what you do actually matters when you run or ride.

Riding with buddies is an affirmation that what you do actually matters when you run or ride.

Before heading out for a bike ride the third night in a row, I texted my companion and said, “I’m going to go for an easy ride. I’m a little tired.”

She wrote back a note of encouragement and I hopped on the Felt 4C, set up the cyclometer and Strava and headed off to who knows where.

The wind was from the East/Southeast. This time of year in the Chicago area that seems like a common occurrence. Winds off the lake are swirling around, or some other weather front often breaks typical weather patterns.

So I rode into the wind headed basically south and began to make up a route in my head. Yes, some routes are fixed and I do them often. Others are taken ad hoc to avoid boredom.

To my surprise the legs felt good. Really good in fact. From the get-go I was riding 19-20 mph with very little effort. Suspicious of the ease, I looked for flags to confirm whether my sense of wind direction was accurate or not. It is so easy to deceive yourself about fitness with a wind at your back.

Not blown away

But not this time. The wind was definitely in my face. 20mph still felt easy. So I kept rolling right through a hilly Strava segment where I’d only recent ridden as slow as 15mph. This time I held 20 from bottom to top.

On it went. Down the rolling curves of Deerpath Road headed south into the wind. Still the pace held. Mile after mile it went. Then I turned west for 2 miles let it rip. Then came a turn onto a deeply wooded path headed directly east. It buffered the wind slightly and the pace kept on between 18-20. Then I zipped up and over a bridge over a major road and passed another cyclist. He tried to jump on but to no avail. A mile into pursuit he was dropped.

Popping out on the streets of Aurora, the wind was a bit more steady and pressing. Yet shifting up one gear resolved that challenge and on a downhill stretch the speed reached 25mph.

Cutting through town is always costly in terms of maintaining pace. A few green lights and then a red light brought me to a stop. Shut off the Strava. That’s not cheating. Click it back on when moving again.

Home stretch

Then it was onto the bike trail for the last 10 miles north. For some reason it is hard to keep good cycling pace on most bike trails. The surface is often too bumpy for one thing. Too many root-raised lines and asphalt cracks. So you have to pedal steady and hard to keep 20 in your sights.

The last three miles were cranking into the wind and across the bumpy surface but when it ended there it was:

AVG SPD 19.4. 

And I felt great.

Matters of the mind

But what does it matter? A zillion cyclists can ride that fast and faster. Just like a zillion runners can run faster than the 5:00 pace I managed to hold in my fastest 10k race. Does it matter how fast or slow we are? Does anyone really care? Does it make the world a better place to go out and hammer your best for 20+ miles, or to complete a marathon?

The answers are no, maybe and possibly yes.

No, it doesn’t really matter how fast or slow you are. You can even ask a world class distance runner or cyclist what their former speed means when they retire and except for a fortunate few, those times are pretty much a novelty in the minds of most people.

In fact there might even be some prejudice at work against really elite runners. It’s almost as if they were given something that makes it unfair to the rest of us to run or ride on the same road as them.

But that’s not true. There’s nothing unfair about using your talent through hard work. Because there are no shortcuts to success whether you are world class or a local plodder.

That’s precisely the point you see. What matters in all this running and riding is that people are committing to something that takes hard work. It builds character. Requires commitment. Teaches both pride and humility.

Those are some very good reasons why you get out there and run or ride.

Reflections

Sure there’s a healthy dose of narcissism thrown in at times. We’ve all got an ego to carry around with us. Sometimes we like to show it off.

I’m not convinced that can ever be removed. Even the most selfless fund raiser in the world gets a bit of self-gratification from achieving their money goals. Without that motivation charity races would have no merit and no function.

But if you step back and look at your personal venture, going out each day to do your best on the run or on the bike, it pays to assess some of the reasons you do it. And does it really matter in the big scheme of things?

Running and Riding Abbey Road

The Beatles on Abbey Road. Notice one of them is sporting minimalist footwear.

The Beatles on Abbey Road. Notice one of them is sporting minimalist footwear.

Let’s borrow a line from a Beatles song to help us make sense of all this. The lingering lyric from the Abbey Road album is the line, “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make…”

The same principle applies to our love of running and riding. Even those who hate every damn step they take and every pedal they spin demonstrate a certain love for the sport because of what it promises to do for them. It might be losing weight or keeping depression and anxiety in check. It might be stress release or getting ideas for business, art or family life. The reasons are multitudinous, and that’s what makes it all so great.

Because the reason you do what you do is that it matters to you. In the end, the run or ride you take is equal to the person you want to make. That’s the part that really does matter.

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Achieving a state of bliss when you run and ride

By Christopher Cudworth

Definition: Bliss
1. Extreme happiness; ecstasy.
2. The ecstasy of salvation; spiritual joy.

For point of reference in terms of achieving a state of bliss from running and riding it is perhaps necessary to step outside the confines of those two sports and consider the meaning of bliss all on its own.

Cud with GregBliss is a bit metaphysical you see. True bliss transcends even the normal happiness you feel at working out. It exceeds a feeling of contentment as well. Bliss is both relaxation and engagement combined. That is, it is enlightenment.

That level of heightened awareness does not come along every day.

It is also true that achieving bliss may require some pain along the way to enlightenment. So in that regard, running and cycling create a wonderful path to opening the mind.

Relationship between bliss and pain

In some situations the states we know as bliss and pain may actually be conjoined. When asked how to deal with the discomforts required of great athletes, one African distance runner years ago observed (and I paraphrase): “If you try to run past the pain, you will never break through. But if you learn to run with the pain, you can succeed.”

That’s like combining the yin and yang together. The dividing line between pain and bliss becomes blurred.

Hattest

Different fields of bliss

For me that blurred line between pain and bliss becomes more visible each week during yoga class.

If that statement sounds counterintuitive, consider that yoga is more similar to running and riding than you might think. It engages a faction of your brain that is normally used only in competition. Yet yoga is not by definition competitive. It instead forces your body to sustain muscular contraction and stretch past points where your mind tells it to shut down. You do not seek pain, yet neither do you entirely avoid it. You are literally stretching the mind while you stretch your body. All transcendent states seem to follow a similar path. The things that normally engage or ensnare the mind are removed from our paths.

That state of existence reminds me of the amazing song Strawberry Fields by Beatle and composer John Lennon. “Let me take you down, cause I’m going to to, Strawberry Fields…Nothing is real…and nothing to get hung about…”

Active bliss

That type of physical and mental passage is quite similar to the active engagement required in an interval workout where those who run and ride push past limits of race pace to increase oxygen uptake and muscular response to speed.

When it is all done and the workout or practice is complete, the mind is often cleared off all other thoughts than recovery. In yoga you position yourself in a relaxed state and concentrate on breathing. How very, very similar those two states can be.

Mood hatOften during the relaxation stage, the mind feels released following a yoga practice.The brain simply ignores the normal boundaries of thought. A meditative state takes over. At times a feeling of bliss envelopes and releases all thoughts. The channels of the universe seem to open up and the thing we call thought takes on a different form entirely.

Fantastical bliss

 

We think of fictional works such as The Teachings of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda. In a series of compellingly fanciful books, we travel with a master and his student through passages of fear and enemies. The body is only a portal to be utilized. The mind controls all and the earth is not so physically fixed a place as we might imagine.

 

Breaking the code

In modern context we find the same philosophies in movies such as The Matrix, where a higher state of being and an active state of bliss result in the main character NEO being able to see through the very code controlling reality. At the end of the movie he is even able to fly. Don’t we all wish for such a release from limitations.

There have been moments in training and racing where that feeling of total release has occurred. I recall clearly a workout at the University of Illinois-Chicago track one summer afternoon. Twilight was approaching and we had already run a series of 400 and 800 meter intervals. Then our coach Tom Brunick prescribed a mile at race pace.

gal-mar-12But something else was afoot among the runners that day. As we passed the first 400 in just over 67 seconds the group seemed to vibrate with potential. No one wanted to slow down. So we kept going and the sound of our footsteps seemed like wingbeats of birds.

We finished the interval at just under 4:30 for the mile. Coach Tom was not pleased. “Way too fast for a workout!” he admonished.

But none of us cared. The feeling of bliss we got by running so smooth and so fast was worth the departure from common sense. It was quiet as we jogged the next curve but on the backstretch another runner turned to me with shining eyes and said, “Wasn’t that great?”

It was. It was blissful running. No one felt tired. No one was worried about leaving anything in the tank.

The ability to engage in competition without worry, and having faith in yourself without doubt dragging you down is the ideal state of mind for anyone who runs and rides. You become a force of nature then because nothing is forced. You are running free.

Personal record bliss

I went on to set a personal record 31:10 for 10K following that 4:30 mile run in practice. That following weekend running 5:00 pace felt easy. Bliss has its purpose. It releases the mind from constraints of perceived pace and personal limitations. You might be anchored down by someone who once told you that a certain pace was impossible. Or you might have fallen into the habit of letting teammates or competitors dictate how fast you can go in practice or in races. Allowing yourself the mental and physical space to break through those constraints is how athletes achieve higher levels of performance. Bliss in the effort and embracing the pain as a passageway to achievement can be that catalyst.

Rolling bliss

In cycling there are no fewer opportunities for achieving bliss. In fact the potential may be greater thanks to the periodic effortlessness of rolling along on a highly tuned bike with wheels so hard they barely kiss the ground.

cyclistsA downhill descent takes over the mind like no other experience on earth. On a warm July day in southwestern Pennsylvania I did a stupid yet brilliant thing. Climbing to the top of a mile long hill, I crested the steeper portion and looked ahead to the gray strip of road ahead. And then I hit the pedals and began to pick up speed. 2omph. 30mph. 40mph. At that speed everything starts to change. Your eyes flicker with light and the fauvism of ground and trees flashing past. Wind roars in the ears and the entire world disappears except that stretch of pavement ahead.

Then came 50mph and the turn of my helmet caused the bike to swerve. At 54mph the road started to level and I eased off the pedals. It occurred to me that I might never ride that fast again. This was a peak experience. It was also a state of bliss to be riding faster than ever before.

At the bottom of the hill I pulled the bike over and looked back up the hill. It was quiet and still. The air was hot and thick. It seemed strange to be motionless now, as if I’d passed through a time machine and was thrown into another dimension. Crickets chirped quietly as if they sensed a strange soul in their presence.

And it was bliss.

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Predictions for the 2014 Tour de France

It’s that time of year again. We’re one month out from the start of the 2014 Tour de France.

Le Tour. The biggest event in cycling! It will be on you before you know it. That means one thing. Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwin take over your brain for 21+ days and you’ll start to think with their voices instead of your own. But they’ll have lots to talk about if the following predictions come true.

First Year for Women’s version of Tour de France

The ladies are coming! This year the drama of of the Tour will grab you by the testicles even if you don’t have any. Because this year there’s even a women’s version of the Tour de France . It’s called La Course by Le Tour de France. Of course it is. So French.

nature-break450jpgAnd what does it mean to have women riding the Tour in 2014? It means women will be stopping by the side of the road to pee just like the men!

Well, not just like the men. If women wear bib kits, which is pretty much a given, they will instead be forced to drop cycling trousers all the way to their ankles and strip off their racing tops to make water in the French le ditch! And wouldn’t that be a bitch! “Ne m’appelez pas une chienne vous bâtard américain idiot.”

Or perhaps they’ll all carry a product called the Shewee in their bib pockets. It’s a nifty little plastic device shaped like a shark fin that lets women do their business without splashing all over themselves. In fact it even lets women pee while standing up! Or sitting down.

So it seems we’ve come full cycle, so to speak, now that women actually can relieve themselves by the side of the road just like the male Tour riders. Sometimes it even winds up on TV like this Tour rider who got caught peeing on a global feed!

“Bien sûr, il est une règle dans les deux cas. Le plus gros de l’outil le plus les caméras que vous remarquerez dans le Tour!”

Bring on the Sheewees

If the Sheewee women’s peeing device actually becomes a sponsor for the Tour de France  this year, we can just about envision all the Sheewee promotional spots that will run during this year’s Tour. Or else they’ll simply run this Sheewee YouTube video narrated by a very prim British woman explaining how to use the Sheewee. Definitely worth a few.

Perhaps the Sheewee people will even dream up a commercial as catchy as the one by Bacardi Mojito that absolutely dominated the Tour competition for best commerical a few years back. I loved this 30 second spot so much I would get up and dance to it every time the Tour de France coverage broke for commercials. That was about every 30 seconds that year. It was like the Mojitos Marathon that year.

The question is whether the TV cameras will pull away from the women whenever and whatever method they use to pee and give them actual privacy. Or perhaps they will be victims of the peeparazzi or pooparazzi or whatever the French call people with cameras and no scruples. One can only imagine what Bob Roll will have to say about Sheewees.

“Ce sera tout à fait la scène intéressante sans aucun doute.”

Back to the Men

Well it’s certainly great news that women will finally get some of the attention the men have gotten for years during the Tour de France. But let’s get to the important subject: who will actually win the race this year?

We all know the answer to that question, you sillies. It will be Chris Froome! As sports guys would say, he’s the odds-on favorite to win his second straight Tour de France. But the French would say il est le favori odds-à remporter son deuxième Tour de Franc droite. Which means the same thing, only in French.

We know that Froome will win because he has already booked his victories for the next six consecutive Tours. That’s how it works when you’re a really good rider. You do your training and then you fill out an online form with a request to win. The Tour de France organizers take all entries into consideration and if they can accommodate your demands for victory your request for a Tour de France yellow jersey will be approved. Just ask Lance Armstrong. He has seven of them.

Team Sky rules

This year we all know that Chris Froome is the top designated rider for Team Sky, who apparently actually rule the peloton because they are based in Britain.

Two years ago King Bradley Wiggins won the Tour. Then last year Prince Froome took the honors. But like all Royal Families there appears to be a faithful yet jealous challenger who would like to steal the throne this year from Chris Froome. That would be his teammate Richie Porte, who actually rode faster on many stages than Froome to get nothing it seems for his efforts other than a few pounds.

So we’re dealing with Team Sky pecking orders here, and we don’t know who actually got their application in first to win the 2014 Tour. Was it Froome? Porte? Or did Wiggins pull a Shakespearean coup and file his at the 11th hour and not tell anyone?

There are even rumors that Richie Porte actually invested in a faster new Mac computer in hopes of beating Froome and Wiggins to the punch with his application this year.

Froome (left) and Wiggins not looking too happy to be together.

Froome (left) and Wiggins not looking too happy to be together.

It’s not the first time Team Sky has had inside issues with Tour victories. In 2012 Tour victor Bradley Wiggins of Team Sky simply refused to pay Froome his part of the winnings for being a top domestique.

Comme les Français le mettre, ça craint vraiment.

There may even be other riders lining up on Team Sky to claim victory using ever  faster computers to file their victory requests with Tour organizers. Some might even go so far as to hack their way into Tour servers in an attempt to cheat the system. Imagine that! Cyclists cheating! Perish the thought.

15 years ago all the cycling world had to worry about was  dopers dominating podium positions. Now computer hackers might fix the final results delivering massive opportunities for gamblers to bet on final results and make a fortune off the Tour.

Les gens ont toujours dit que l’équitation dans le Tour de France est un pari. Vous devez prendre des risques et espérer tout vient à la fin. Il faut donc utiliser un Sheewee.

More buses will crash into more stanchions

You may have forgotten by now, but the absolute best part of the 2013 Tour de France was when that poor dude driving a team bus crashed into the finish stanchion and almost caused the whole race to be halted. Talk about tension and drama! The entire peloton was bearing down on some tiny village in France. They were blowing along at 35 miles per hour as tour organizers yelled at the dude in the bus to get it out of there and the whole thing started to look like one of those math puzzlers the teachers give you in 4th grade that never make any sense.

“Do we drive the bus forward and take the whole top off or do we try to back it up and tear down the whole stanchion and create a mess on the street?”

Well, the answer turned out to be none of the above as it always does and they finally got the bus out of there but not before they tried to optionally change the finish line for the stage and all the riders got confused. Some let up while others took off. The whole first stage became, as the French are fond of saying, a groupe baise.

But spectators and people around the world watching on television really like groupe baise. That’s why there’s so much Internet porn features two gals faire l’amour.

More Tour craziness

Nice tan lines dude. But you should have saved the sponsor logo.

Nice tan lines dude. But you should have saved the  logo.

So we’ll see a ton more buses crashing into finish stanchions, because that was really entertaining. Of course Tour organizers will now charge massive promotional fees to allow team buses to be featured in the groupe baise at each finish line. Being featured in a confusing crash is really great publicity for any team sponsor. That’s why companies sign up to sponsor Tour teams in the first place. If one of your riders happens to get nailed by a vehicle and thrown into a barbed wire fence and the cameras play it over and over again, your team logo will be featured along with the 16 inch gash in his buttock. So what’s the worry? Exposure is what the whole Tour de France business is all about!

And that brings us full circle to my predictions for this year’s Tour. Lots of buses crashes, men and women peeing in ditches and someone winning because they cheated a little better and smarter than the rest of the peloton.

Le Tour de France est un feuilleton pour les cyclistes. L’affaire est close.

Want to translate the French in this article into English? Visit Google Translate and have some fun. You can even leave your comments in French in the Leave a Comment section below.

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Act gnaturally and keep on running and riding

By Christopher Cudworth

This little bugger is out to make you crazy if you run or ride.

This little bugger is out to make you crazy if you run or ride.

Gnats are agnnoying. Gnats are a product of that point in evolution where nature decided it wanted to invent an insect that can through sheer bothersomeness stop any person who is moving either slower than 2 mph or faster than 7 mph. The zone between those two human breaking points is known as the Gnat Factor because you are going fast enough to get away from gnats and slow enough to see them ahead of you.

Which is important because gnats are known to form thick little bizzy clouds that when buzzing around your face can cause something pretty close to an insane fit.

If you are running down a trail at 8:00 pace and head straight into a cloud of gnats, the results can be both tragic and comic. Runners have been known to do anything to get away from gnats in that situation. One friend of mine literally peeled off the trail and ran straight into a Minneapolis lake. I remember now those were flies. But you get the point. Flies. Gnats. What’s the damn difference?

Edible

Well, there is one crucial difference. Gnats are so small you can eat them quite easily. Ask any cyclist how many gnats they’ve eaten and you’ll hear tales of gnat ingestion that can turn your stomach. We’re talking piles of gnats. Platefuls of gnats. Gnat clouds so thick they look like thunderheads just before you pile into them like a jet plane on an August afternoon.

You come out the other side sputtering and hacking. Gnats are now coating your throat and stuck in the wet rims of your eyelids. Gnats decorate your clavicles in a gnecklace of gnatness. Gnats slide between your teeth as dark as peppercorns.

Most who run and ride simply smile and grunt when they’re eaten a pack of gnats.

“Protein,” they say. And then gack up a wad of gooey gnat stuff like a cat coughing a furball.

Gnat Season

Gnats multiply in hopes of someday taking you down.

Gnats multiply in hopes of someday taking you down.

June is the height of gnat season. That’s because gnats have exactly one function in this universe other than driving you gnuts on the run or the ride. That is, gnats are food for everything in this earthly universe that flies. If you are small enough gnats make a good snack.

Certain birds eat gnats and mosquitoes. So next time you see a bird like a flycatcher or a swallow you should fall on your knees and thank the Creator of the Universe that evolution is a balancing act of the Eaten and the Eaters. Because otherwise we would be overrun by insects such as gnats and malaria-carrying mosquitoes.

The birds literally can’t keep up with all the gnat-eating that gneeds to be done. That’s because gnats are the horniest little buggers you’d ever want to meet. They don’t just breed, they swarm. And talk about obnoxious behavior. Gnats make those gnatty twits on the Jersey Shore look like college professors by comparison.

Gnat Raves

Gnats hold regular airborne rave sessions in which they fly together and dance to some music human beings cannot hear. They can’t even dance in unison, which might look kind of cool and worthy of YouTube. Instead they swirl and buzzipate in some insane testament to buggy freakouts. Perhaps they all get their hands on some sort of Insect Ecstasy or Gnatnip. That’s what makes them so intolerably annoying. They actually think they’re being funny and hip while making you crazy.

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to swat a gnat? There’s hardly enough to them to merit a swinging hand. They blow out of the way of your attempts to brush them away. Then they come right back, heading for your ears as if they have something important and vital to telllllll you. Once embedded in your cochlia or whatever that inner ear thing is called the Big Secret they have to offer sounds like this: bbzzzida douda fpoaisd uod uifajlljad. Which in gnat language means Fuck You I’m Gonna Die Here Right In Your Ear.

That means you have to dig the gnat out. That’s really difficult when you’re on a training run. But you can’t possibly keep going with a gnat stuck in your ear. So you jam your finger in there only to discover that sweat and ear wax form an impenetrably thick wall behind which the gnat lies dying in its own pathetic kamikaze dance with your eardrum.

Finally you pull the little bastard out with your fingertip and run on, heaving a sigh of relief as you head down the path. And then it happens again. Another kamikaze gnat piles into your other ear. You start the process all over again. Gnat. Dig. Repeat. The rest of your 8-mile run goes exactly like that because gnats far outnumber human beings on running paths.

Gnat Attacks

Female_black_fungus_gnat

So small and innocent looking. They’re actually out to choke you to death.

It is reported that in some parts of the world gnats run so thick that cyclists riding at more than 15 mph have been known to increase their body weight during a long ride by as much as 2%. That’s a lot of gnats to ingest. They pile up in your lungs like iron filings drawn together by a powerful magnet.

You swig and hack trying to wash them down with Accelerade or anything you can get your hands on at the time. Your cycling buddies laugh and ask, “What the hell’s wrong with you?” Because they somehow did not hit the same cloud of gnats as you. They gnat cloud got sucked into the draft and aimed straight for your lonely little throat.

Now you’re in oxygen debt from trying to get oxygen through a layer of black gnats covering the inside of your lungs but your riding partners have no mercy. Cyclists are like that. Every single cyclist must suffer through their worries and fate on their own.

There is no such thing as waiting for someone over something so silly as ingesting a few gnats. Cycling is a merciless sport. The average riders in a weekend group would sooner have wine corkscrews jammed up their bums than slow down for a rider who has any excuse less than Armageddon holding them back.

It is in fact rumored that almost an entire peloton in an African bike race came down with ebola virus during a race. Riders veered off and died on the road shoulders bleeding from their orifices and the very pores of their skin. But the three riders off the front had escaped the outbreak and soared on to earn positions on the podium. Because that is how cyclists roll. The weakest drop while the strong roll on to victory.

Don’t Slow Down. 

So it almost goes without saying. Asking a group of riders to slow down for a fellow cyclist afflicted with Gnat Poison is not going to earn much accord.

Runners are only slightly more sympathetic. A fellow runner might slap you on the back to help out if you are truly choking from a cloud of gnats. They might even stick a finger down your throat in an emergency. But otherwise you’re on your own. Just be glad that gnats generally do not fly up your ass. They do try.

Garden of Gnats

How-To-Naturally-Repel-GnatsSo the best response is always to pretend that the gnats don’t really bother you. Gardeners are famous for their ability to work in conditions that would make normal people insane from Gnat Gnuttiness. The secret to how they handle gnats and keep on weeding is that they are by definition more determined to rid their prized parcel from weeds than give in to a few gnats. They also gnow ways to gnaturally repel gnats.

Those of us who run and ride can learn a few things from gardeners, it seems. You’ve got to get obsessed and stay obsessed. So says John Irving in the Hotel New Hampshire.

Those of us who run and ride need to learn to Act Gnaturally and keep on moving despite the adversity created by a few (or a thousand) tiny gnats. You can clean up the Gnat Scat just fine when you get home.

Consider them trophies of a sort. If you look like you’re wearing Gnat Eyeliner or have so many gnats in your teeth your friends will swear you just ate a poppyseed muffin, so be it. Gnats are the price you sometimes pay to do something you love. They are one of the tarsnakes of the universe.

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