It’s that time of year again. We’re one month out from the start of the 2014 Tour de France.
Le Tour. The biggest event in cycling! It will be on you before you know it. That means one thing. Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwin take over your brain for 21+ days and you’ll start to think with their voices instead of your own. But they’ll have lots to talk about if the following predictions come true.
First Year for Women’s version of Tour de France
The ladies are coming! This year the drama of of the Tour will grab you by the testicles even if you don’t have any. Because this year there’s even a women’s version of the Tour de France . It’s called La Course by Le Tour de France. Of course it is. So French.
Well, not just like the men. If women wear bib kits, which is pretty much a given, they will instead be forced to drop cycling trousers all the way to their ankles and strip off their racing tops to make water in the French le ditch! And wouldn’t that be a bitch! “Ne m’appelez pas une chienne vous bâtard américain idiot.”
Or perhaps they’ll all carry a product called the Shewee in their bib pockets. It’s a nifty little plastic device shaped like a shark fin that lets women do their business without splashing all over themselves. In fact it even lets women pee while standing up! Or sitting down.
So it seems we’ve come full cycle, so to speak, now that women actually can relieve themselves by the side of the road just like the male Tour riders. Sometimes it even winds up on TV like this Tour rider who got caught peeing on a global feed!
“Bien sûr, il est une règle dans les deux cas. Le plus gros de l’outil le plus les caméras que vous remarquerez dans le Tour!”
Bring on the Sheewees
If the Sheewee women’s peeing device actually becomes a sponsor for the Tour de France this year, we can just about envision all the Sheewee promotional spots that will run during this year’s Tour. Or else they’ll simply run this Sheewee YouTube video narrated by a very prim British woman explaining how to use the Sheewee. Definitely worth a few.
Perhaps the Sheewee people will even dream up a commercial as catchy as the one by Bacardi Mojito that absolutely dominated the Tour competition for best commerical a few years back. I loved this 30 second spot so much I would get up and dance to it every time the Tour de France coverage broke for commercials. That was about every 30 seconds that year. It was like the Mojitos Marathon that year.
The question is whether the TV cameras will pull away from the women whenever and whatever method they use to pee and give them actual privacy. Or perhaps they will be victims of the peeparazzi or pooparazzi or whatever the French call people with cameras and no scruples. One can only imagine what Bob Roll will have to say about Sheewees.
“Ce sera tout à fait la scène intéressante sans aucun doute.”
Back to the Men
Well it’s certainly great news that women will finally get some of the attention the men have gotten for years during the Tour de France. But let’s get to the important subject: who will actually win the race this year?
We all know the answer to that question, you sillies. It will be Chris Froome! As sports guys would say, he’s the odds-on favorite to win his second straight Tour de France. But the French would say il est le favori odds-à remporter son deuxième Tour de Franc droite. Which means the same thing, only in French.
We know that Froome will win because he has already booked his victories for the next six consecutive Tours. That’s how it works when you’re a really good rider. You do your training and then you fill out an online form with a request to win. The Tour de France organizers take all entries into consideration and if they can accommodate your demands for victory your request for a Tour de France yellow jersey will be approved. Just ask Lance Armstrong. He has seven of them.
Team Sky rules
This year we all know that Chris Froome is the top designated rider for Team Sky, who apparently actually rule the peloton because they are based in Britain.
Two years ago King Bradley Wiggins won the Tour. Then last year Prince Froome took the honors. But like all Royal Families there appears to be a faithful yet jealous challenger who would like to steal the throne this year from Chris Froome. That would be his teammate Richie Porte, who actually rode faster on many stages than Froome to get nothing it seems for his efforts other than a few pounds.
So we’re dealing with Team Sky pecking orders here, and we don’t know who actually got their application in first to win the 2014 Tour. Was it Froome? Porte? Or did Wiggins pull a Shakespearean coup and file his at the 11th hour and not tell anyone?
There are even rumors that Richie Porte actually invested in a faster new Mac computer in hopes of beating Froome and Wiggins to the punch with his application this year.
It’s not the first time Team Sky has had inside issues with Tour victories. In 2012 Tour victor Bradley Wiggins of Team Sky simply refused to pay Froome his part of the winnings for being a top domestique.
Comme les Français le mettre, ça craint vraiment.
There may even be other riders lining up on Team Sky to claim victory using ever faster computers to file their victory requests with Tour organizers. Some might even go so far as to hack their way into Tour servers in an attempt to cheat the system. Imagine that! Cyclists cheating! Perish the thought.
15 years ago all the cycling world had to worry about was dopers dominating podium positions. Now computer hackers might fix the final results delivering massive opportunities for gamblers to bet on final results and make a fortune off the Tour.
Les gens ont toujours dit que l’équitation dans le Tour de France est un pari. Vous devez prendre des risques et espérer tout vient à la fin. Il faut donc utiliser un Sheewee.
More buses will crash into more stanchions
You may have forgotten by now, but the absolute best part of the 2013 Tour de France was when that poor dude driving a team bus crashed into the finish stanchion and almost caused the whole race to be halted. Talk about tension and drama! The entire peloton was bearing down on some tiny village in France. They were blowing along at 35 miles per hour as tour organizers yelled at the dude in the bus to get it out of there and the whole thing started to look like one of those math puzzlers the teachers give you in 4th grade that never make any sense.
“Do we drive the bus forward and take the whole top off or do we try to back it up and tear down the whole stanchion and create a mess on the street?”
Well, the answer turned out to be none of the above as it always does and they finally got the bus out of there but not before they tried to optionally change the finish line for the stage and all the riders got confused. Some let up while others took off. The whole first stage became, as the French are fond of saying, a groupe baise.
But spectators and people around the world watching on television really like groupe baise. That’s why there’s so much Internet porn features two gals faire l’amour.
More Tour craziness
So we’ll see a ton more buses crashing into finish stanchions, because that was really entertaining. Of course Tour organizers will now charge massive promotional fees to allow team buses to be featured in the groupe baise at each finish line. Being featured in a confusing crash is really great publicity for any team sponsor. That’s why companies sign up to sponsor Tour teams in the first place. If one of your riders happens to get nailed by a vehicle and thrown into a barbed wire fence and the cameras play it over and over again, your team logo will be featured along with the 16 inch gash in his buttock. So what’s the worry? Exposure is what the whole Tour de France business is all about!
And that brings us full circle to my predictions for this year’s Tour. Lots of buses crashes, men and women peeing in ditches and someone winning because they cheated a little better and smarter than the rest of the peloton.
Le Tour de France est un feuilleton pour les cyclistes. L’affaire est close.
Want to translate the French in this article into English? Visit Google Translate and have some fun. You can even leave your comments in French in the Leave a Comment section below.