Dunkin’ Donuts asks: What are you drinkin?

Posted on November 5, 2013 by Christopher Cudworth
What's in a Dunkin' Donuts Coolatta? Probably nothing you need, and lots of it.

What’s in a Dunkin’ Donuts Coolatta? Probably nothing you need, and lots of it.

Those of us who run and ride love to watch or diets. Not too many fats. Nor carbs. Go easy on the beers if you can. Wine when necessary.

We go gluten-free or carb free or meat free depending on how free we want to be.

But the other day, I had no answer to the question on the side of a Dunkin’ Donuts plastic cup.

“What are you drinkin’?”

I only ordered a small. The lady at the counter either did not hear me or could not understand me. They served up this giant Vanilla Bean Coolatta.

Calories? One zillion. What’s it matter? It was freakin’ huge.

I drank some of it on the way home and proceeded to fall asleep on the couch, eclipsing my window to go out for a run. Friends were coming over. They found me curled up in a semi-fetal position next to the dog on the couch.

“What are you doing?” they asked.

I stared dumbly at them. Looked at my watch.

“I don’t know,” was my answer.

It was the Coolatta. It knocked me out

Not so Coolatta

What’s in that drink? Don’t think I want to know. Surely it isn’t much of a training food. Not something the nutritionist would recommend for superior performance.

Probably lots of sugar. Some milk concentrate. Perhaps. Maybe some powdered soy beans. And ice. Frozen water. It’s crunchy and tastes like the ass end of a vanilla. That’s all I know.

Spartan diet?

Yes, I know I know I know. Stay away from that stuff. If you want to run and ride well you have to eat and drink like the guys on the Tour de France. Suck water out of a napkin. Strain honey through your lycra. Ask the masseuse to rub Snickers bars into your calves for energy

I used to eat even more shit than I do today. Training 10 miles a day lets you eat anything. You can stuff cheese up your ass and not gain a pound when you’re burning off 5000 calories a day. Food absorbs and dissipates like cirrus clouds on a fall day. Hello, goodbye.

Then you age and your metabolism slows and your pace does too. Then you have to watch what you eat, and a simple question on a Dunkin’ Donuts cup does not sound so simple

“What are you drinkin?’ “ indeed.

Amortizing 

Actually I saved the Coolatta in the fridge and used it as dessert for three straight days. So I amortized my bad habit, you might say.

Temptation is nearly always long, tall, and often sweet. It can sweep you off your feet. You can wind up on your back after a run or a ride with a vice by your side and wonder, in Talking Heads style, “Well, how did I get here?”

It’s a habit that’s hard to break. Our vices have us in their grip. They gather on our lower lip. We smile and say it’s all okay.

Then run and ride another day.

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Understanding Cold Comfort when you run and ride

Posted on November 4, 2013 by Christopher Cudworth

By Christopher Cudworth

Cold weather riding and running often calls for improvisation

Cold weather riding and running often calls for improvisation

Those of us who run and ride tend to spend quite a bit of money and effort trying to keep warm during cold weather. Fortunately, the evolution of cold weather running and cycling gear has led to fabrics that perform miracles in terms of heat retention and moisture wicking. The days of thick cotton sweats are thankfully over. All Hail Performance Wear!

Get your North Face on

To single out just one cold gear manufacturer, the entire North Face garment franchise has an underlying premise of stopping the cold from getting to your skin. Walk any urban street and you’ll see those North Face logos staring back at you from the shoulders of commuters. That’s a branding coup of course. At the same time it reminds you that cold weather is here to stay. Is North Face really on our side?

Milder winters?

Winter lasts 120 or so days here in Illinois. That’s 120 days that will require you to organize coats, mittens and hands whenever you go out.

We must recognize that winters have not been as severe here in Chicago as in the recent past. Last winter we never got temperatures below zero. We did not have that much snow cover for much of the winter either. So the perception of winter is not so dramatic when there’s less harsh cold and deep snow.

Indoor practice makes perfect.

Indoor practice makes perfect.

As a runner and cyclist the past few winters have felt like something of a reprieve. Other than some occasional icy roads it has been possible to get out for regular runs and rides. I much prefer outdoor training to running on a treadmill or riding on a trainer. The Computrainer thing is legitimate in terms of maintaining fitness, but I would choose an hour on the mountain bike over an hour on the trainer any day.

We’ve also been seeing extended thaws the past few years. Instead of snow in January and February we’ve gotten rain. Yes, it’s a sloppy mess if there’s already snow on the ground. There were lakes in our yard and the streets ran like rivers sometimes. So you need waterproof shoes in those conditions.

But you compare that to -12 degree temps and 16 inches of snow in terms of getting out for a run and the warmer temps make it easier.

A cold lover

A part of me relishes runs in really cold weather. But it does make me think of an old Playboy cartoon in which a young man erotically engaged with a snow bunny looks into her eyes and say, “You may think I’m a great lover. Actually I’m just frozen stiff.”

There are tradeoffs, in other words, to outdoor activities in the cold.

My record run was in -27 degree weather. It was the early 1980s and the cold snap lasted a week setting multiple records for cold. My run lasted only 10 minutes before my eyelids started to freeze shut so I came home and warmed up with hot chocolate, two pairs of socks and a friend who was a snow bunny, if you catch my drift.

Giving voice to the cold

On another cold run at -13 a friend and I were chatting amicably when we crested a hill into the face of a brisk northerly wind. I turned to complain about how cold it was and my voice was gone. The cold air had sufficiently chilled my larynx to the point where the voice box would not work. We both lost our voices in fact, so we began gesticulating that we’d better hurry to the turn one mile ahead and get back down off the hill and out of the wind.

Cross country cold

As an avid cross country skier, there are days when it seems ridiculous to be out but it is still far better to exercise for an hour in cold weather than just sit inside and get fatter. On one long ski my friends and I started at 9 in the morning and skied 15 miles making our own tracks. The day grew bright with sunshine and the temps warmed to 30 degrees. We kept on skiing while tying layer after layer around our waists until we had no shirts on at all.

Heading home I made a mistake on a turn and went down into the bright cold snow. But this time, it felt refreshing, not cold. Instantly there grew an appreciation for all those Scandinavians with their hot saunas and cold lakes. Your body can actually develop a craving for contrasts. Heat and cold in good measure.

Cold Comfort

There are times when cold air can actually be a comfort. On a long winter run you pull open the neck zipper of your gear and let some cool air reach your core. It is enervating.

But having good gear in all circumstances is a blessing. Many were the day that we ran with gloves stuffed down our crotch because the cotton sweats and shorts were not keeping the cold away from the crank. Not good. Frostbite down there would not be fun.

The cold and warm balance.

The cold and warm balance.

Recently I’ve needed to strike a balance between being comfortably warm and keeping cool enough that I do not sweat too much. The Picc line in my arm is sealed with a clear bandage designed to keep moisture and possible infections out.

So the trick is running in very little gear so that I get exercise without sweating sufficiently to undermine the whole Picc setup. It’s only 2 more weeks, with luck. But I’m learning the meaning of cold comfort. Sometimes cold can be your friend.

Learning how to chill

The trick is in knowing how to dress down in layers and still be safe. It is not wise to take risks on the bike in cold weather. If you get wet with a sudden winter rainstorm and have to ride 20 miles back into a biting wind, hypothermia can kick in pretty quickly. In those circumstances it is fine to be a Hard Man and gut it through if you know you can make it. But there is no shame in finding shelter and making a call home to request a rescue.

Running can be risky too. When you get sweated up running with the wind you must be prepared to turn around and manage your gear so that you don’t get too cold running back against the wind.

Many of your better judgments must come from experience, but there are smart ways to get it, and use it. That is, you are better off going out to do two 3-mile loops on a really cold day than one 6-mile loop. That way if you run into troubles after the first half you can either add layers or take them away. Same goes for cycling. Don’t put yourself so far “out there” on winter rides that you cannot get to safe haven quickly if the weather changes.

Making friends with the cold is a question of working with what it will give you. A good run or ride in the cold is a great way to celebrate a winter day. Just be sure you understand your Cold Comfort factors before heading into unknown territory. Cause baby, it’s cold outside. Maybe not like it used to be, but still enough to freeze your sorry but if you don’t take Cold Comfort into account.

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Insane x insane=perfect for a Reality Show

Posted on November 1, 2013 by Christopher Cudworth

By Christopher Cudworth

So the sliver that tried to kill me may be gone, but its entry point into my system brought with it some funky microbe that remains unidentified and must be treated with utmost caution.

Two hours of patience in a bag.

Two hours of patience in a bag.

The doctors only know they want to kill it. That means 3 hours a day of antibiotic infusions, done by me at home with a couple bags, a bunch of plastic cable and some plastic syringes. Every day. So far.

My house looks like a lab from Breaking Bad.

But I’m following instructions the best way I know how because infections of any sort are not to be messed with.

Still, when the call from a nurse at the infection clinic came, my jaw dropped.

“Your antibiotic counts are at 6.7,” she tells me. They need to be at 12.

“You’re too healthy,” she says. “Your kidneys work too well.”

She’s telling me this? I’ve been shitting my butt out for 5 days straight and she’s telling me my kidneys are too good? What else is working well?

“How often are you doing your infusions?” she asks me.

I sigh. “Once a day for three hours,” I tell her. “I’m doing my best.”

“We might need you to do two infusions a day, every 12 hours to get you to where we need you to be.”

Me. Silence. “What?”

“You’re working now, right?”

“Yes,” I tell her. “I have to work. For a living. I like working.”

“Hmmm,” she responds. “That’s a problem.”

“I could get up at 4:00 a.m. and do it until 7:00 a.m., I suppose. But that doesn’t leave me much time to sleep. Or do anything else for 3 solid weeks.”

“You could do that?”

“I didn’t say I could do that,” I answer. “It was mostly hyperbole. I was joking.”

“Well, I’ll talk to the doctor,” she says.

“Perfect,” I say.

Nurse calls back in 5 minutes.

“Okay,” she tells me. “You’ll be done with the drug that takes 2 hours to infuse. We’re going to inject a different drug instead.”

“How’s that work?”

“Well,” she says. “We have to do the first injection here. At the clinic.”

I’ve always hated the word clinic. Suggests some sort of social disease. But I must admit the sliver pretty much fucked me over. So perhaps it still holds true.

“Then do I inject the drug at home from now on?”

“Yes. It’s really easy. The syringe looks a lot like the one you do the saline with. Only it’s bigger.”

“Bigger?” I burst out laughing. “It’s bigger? You say that like it’s positive. But I have to tell you, most people don’t associate bigger syringes with happy circumstances.”

The nurse starts laughing now too. Then I laugh more. Pretty much we’re not talking at all any more. Just laughing as we hear the other person laugh. Glad I could make someone else’s day. And my own while I’m at it.

Fuck it, I think to myself. It’s a FRIDAY. We both deserve to laugh.

Because getting well from a random infected sliver disease is so insane, it’s almost perfect. Like a Reality Show.

Chris Gets Over It. What a happy ending.

But I’m going for a run tomorrow with barely any clothes so I won’t sweat and mess up the pick line bandage. Then I might ride half naked to keep even more sweat off me. A week is too long to knock off. Cold turkey. 

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Blood pressure 129/78. HR 54. I’m calm. I really am.

Chris

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The zen of running and riding

Posted on October 31, 2013 by Christopher Cudworth

By Christopher Cudworth

A martial arts student went to his teacher and said earnestly, “I am devoted to studying your martial system. How long will it take me to master it?”

 

The teacher’s reply was casual, “Ten years.”

Impatiently, the student answered, “But I want to master it faster than that. I will work very hard. I will practice everyday, ten or more hours a day if I have to. How long will it take then?” 

The teacher thought for a moment, “20 years.”

Zen fern. Zen can be the most frustrating thing. The harder you work at it, the more it seems to escape your grasp.

I am reminded of these lessons every time I see someone “working hard” on their bike or “running hard” on the track or road. Are they actually making things more difficult by trying so hard?

It is universally known that a high cadence makes best use of energy in cycling. Yet the art and zen of keeping a high cadence dictates that your feet must spin, not mash. No portion of the pedal stroke can exceed the other in force, or you lose power along the way. It seems counterintuitive. But that’s the beauty of it.

We face questions like this all the time. If it is raining outside, will we get just as wet by running to our car as we would by walking?

No sweat is no good.

The zen master might tell you that neither running or walking is the best answer. The best answer is to wait until it stops raining. Then you can run or walk to your car without risk of getting wet.

Are we too impatient for that answer? Are our training schedules trying to suck value out of every day, and as a result, squandering what we can gain in strength of mind and body?

If you cannot wait out the rain of a break in training or a lull in your schedule, it appears the real rain in your life is washing away peace or mind.

And If you cannot live in the moment and accept what goes around you, perhaps you are working too hard by keeping too busy or mashing the pedals of your soul.

We want to get better fast. Or else we better get fast. We place demands on ourselves that count as threats. If we fail, we lack forgiveness. If we succeed, we lack satisfaction. All so-called victories are balanced by the costs. Yet sometimes we choose pain because it brings enlightenment, or expresses a value that says we are willing to suffer for what we believe. That is the zen philosophy in many respects.

scorpionTwo monks were washing their bowls in the river when they noticed a scorpion that was drowning. One monk immediately scooped it up and set it upon the bank. In the process he was stung. He went back to washing his bowl and again the scorpion fell in. The monk saved the scorpion and was again stung.

The other monk asked him, “Friend, why do you continue to save the scorpion when you know it’s nature is to sting?”

“Because,” the monk replied, “to save it is my nature.”

Every hard effort in running or riding is like the scorpion. We save those memories in order to save ourselves. What we give to the universe comes back to us in some way.

Even if it stings.WeRunandRideLogo

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Have you used this important technique to make your race pace feel easier?

Posted on October 30, 2013 by Christopher Cudworth

By Christopher Cudworth

photo (8)Standing at the 2-mile mark of the Chicago Marathon, we watched the race leaders pass the split clock at 9:30.

You may wonder, “How do they do it? What makes it possible for those runners to race so quickly?”

The answer is surprisingly simple. They can race that fast because they’ve trained at a much, much faster pace.

This single technique seems to be the most under-appreciated method of getting faster in a marathon, half-marathon or any distance race below that. Even milers run intervals at a much faster pace than their PR if they hope to lower their times.

For all its universal applications, and many runners and cyclists do get this principle, it still helps to refresh the reasons why faster tempo running and riding really do help you run or ride at an overall faster pace.

The reasons are both physical and mental. The physical training of higher leg turnover in running or faster cadence in cycling is plain enough in purpose. But it’s the mental benefit of faster tempo that is harder to sustain over the long run. So you’ve got to rehearse the faster tempo in order to believe that the rate of return is worth it, and that you can sustain your pace over multiple miles.

The marathon mentality

photo (5)Running 26.2 miles is a rite of passage for millions of runners. While not a habitual marathon runner, it often occurs to me how long a marathon really is when I complete a certain cycling loop that happens to be, you guessed it, 26.2 miles on the button. Looking down at the cyclometer or the Strava I check the average speed and distance and think: It’s amazing someone can run that far in 2:03:23.

That’s right: The fastest male marathoner now averages 4:42 per mile for the 2:03:23 record set in Berlin. The fastest female is 2:15:25 or 5:09 pace. Those times seem ridiculously fast. But not if you break it down.

Breaking it down without breaking down

For most of us, the entire idea behind marathoning is to finish the race. But ultimately you’d also like to be able to run faster. That’s a matter of teaching your body to handle a faster tempo and convincing your mind that it’s possible.

The marathon is really two races in one. First you calculate the pace you want to run to reach your target time. That is one race. Then you train to run the number of hours required to complete the race. They are really two separate issues that add up to one problem: training long enough to finish and fast enough to PR. Marathoners can easily forget to do one or the other. 

A faster “steady state” 

photo (7)Just think: the world’s best marathoners treat 4:42 pace as their “steady state” for 26.2 miles. Here’s how they do it: these runners go much faster than that in practice. A runner capable of running 4:42 per mile will run mile repeats at 10 to 30 seconds faster than that in practice.

Without that rehearsal of quicker leg turnover, the pace of 4:42 per mile would feel fast and the tempo would seem hard to sustain. You see that in many mid-pack runners, who seldom surge or change tempos through an entire marathon. That’s an “inactive” approach to racing. You need an active approach in which your mind and body has previously been tested to handle faster or slightly changing tempos.

Think about those elite marathoners: When you’ve run 4:20 miles in practice, 4:42 feels like a jog. You might even throw in a 4:30 mile surge during the race if needed, and not feel strained.

Break the mold

As a last-minute tempo experiment, I once raced a mile on a Friday night before a Sunday morning 15K. The legs felt great and I won the race in 4:22. The next day I did a light sustained jog and by Sunday morning the effects of the mile wore off but the relative pace of the 15K still felt easy and smooth by comparison to the faster mile pace I’d run. The muscle memory of that fast tempo mile made it seem easier to run the 15K pace where I set a PR.

Taper and turn it on

Some very healthy zombies pace themselves so they won't die in the last miles of a half marathon.

 

You can do this with the marathon too. In the four weeks leading up to the marathon there tends to be so much emphasis placed on getting in that last 20-miler. Yet too many marathoners skip the benefit of up-tempo running and what it can do for your ultimate race effort. When you’re engaged in your taper for the race your legs should begin to feel less stale. That is an ideal time to do some controlled, uptempo training. You also need to add in surges of 3-5 minutes at a 2% faster pace during your longer runs over the buildup months. If you’re currently an 8:00 per mile marathoner, these surges should be done at 7:45-7:55 pace. The difference in your racing long term at that pace will result in a marathon time 2-3 minutes faster. It worked at 25K for me. It will work at the marathon distance too.

The ideal

If you plan to average 8:00 per mile in your next marathon do you have a plan to do some training at 7:30 per mile? It can really help. The 30 second rule seems to apply to racers of all speeds, in fact. You need to run tempo work that much faster to open up the body’s signals to more speed. Obviously a solid warmup and cooldown are desirable before and after speedwork.

But don’t skip it. It’s an immutable rule. If you want to race faster you have to run faster than your race pace to make it feel easy. It’s s simple trick, but one too often forgotten by the middle of the pack who stand to gain the most by kicking their own asses in practice.

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We run and ride where zombies are behind the wheel

Posted on October 29, 2013 by Christopher Cudworth

By Christopher Cudworth

timthumbGaper’s block. Rubbernecking.

Whether you call it rubbernecking or  gaper’s block, the fact that traffic can back up for miles on an expressway or other road because people slow down to look at a seeming tragedy  is proof that there really is no higher purpose among people who drive on roads rather than ride a bike or run.

Gaper’s blocks emphatically demonstrate that people are driving with priorities other than getting where they’re going on time. The prurient, vacuous gape of a driver straining to see another person being carted away on a stretcher, or even–God Forbid–actual body parts spattered over the ground is just too delicious to ignore, now isn’t it?

Road warriors 

gapersblock-reversebreakawayThose of us who run and ride don’t really need gaper’s blocks to see the world more clearly. Our intimate relationship with the roads on which we run and ride is food for thought every day. But in order to maintain that relationship with the world around us, we are often forced to become “road warriors” to survive, fighting through the rushed vision of a jealously guarded commuter world that crowds the roads and numbs the mind. Comfortably numb, Pink Floyd called it.

Short, sharp shocks to the mind

The antidote to any sort of numbness is shock. And that’s precisely what gaper’s blocks are all about. They hold potential to deliver shock and awe and a heavy dose of “There but for the grace of God go I…”

Gaper’s blocks are an opportunity, often for just a moment, to feel more fortunate than others, and slightly more superior in having not succumbed to tragedy. Because when you gape at a state policeman filling out a ticket there is relief that you are not the person getting “nailed.” Or when the shattered car or truck parts rest in puddles of coolant or blood you give a short shudder and realize how easy it is to lose focus for a minute and maybe die. The pull of tragedy is too strong for many people to resist. So we slow down and stare.

A question of intent

CHP-ZombieOf course gaper’s blocks are a huge inconvenience to thousands of people every day. One wonders: What makes people obsessed enough to slow down when the reason they’re on the road in the first place is to get to work on time?

Yet the gaper’s block magnifies, sometimes backing up traffic for miles and miles. Frustration mounts. Road rage ensues. Then you get past the point where the roadside attraction occurred and traffic opens up. You’re on your way while muttering to yourself, “Idiots” at the thought that so many people could not resist slowing down to look at the misfortune of another.

Ugly human nature

It happens every day. What that tells us about human nature is that people subconsciously acknowledge the value of tragedy. People need it, in fact, to shake themselves out of their personal doldrums. The nightly TV news is one giant gaper’s block if you think about it. We stare numbly at the TV as talking heads blather on about another shooting in a poor neighborhood in the city. We see the requisite crying mother and angry neighbor complaining that the cops never do anything and there are too many guns in the street. Yet we essentially drive on by. Other people’s problems barely occupy our consciousness. We are truly numb to their needs or their lives. For they are another race or gender. Another orientation. A being separate from humanity. Someone just on TV. The Other. Barely worth of a gaper’s block. We are comfortably numb. Zombies.

The supposed cure

zombie-driverReality can seem too complicated to consider, and that is why so many people enjoy fictional shows where zombies roam the streets shedding body parts and getting splatter shots in the head by people who really know how to handle their guns.

Of course that’s the same thing that’s happening on our real streets. There was even a case of a guy down in Florida somewhere trying to eat another person alive.

Zombies aren’t real, we tell ourselves. At least we think they’re fiction. But it seems like some people can’t really separate the two worlds, and hence the huge market for “reality” shows. Every one of them is a new form of gaper’s block, a glimpse into tragedy or prurient obsession that reveals…Southern idiocy. Hillbilly habits. Cops. Robbers. Child beauty pagaents.

All are roadside attractions. They offer nothing but curiosity and tragedy, and cure nothing.

Accommodation 

Yet when a motorist rolls up behind a living, breathing cyclist or runner making use of the side of the road to exercise, hardly a driver alive on this earth seems to want to slow down and separate “hazards” (the way we are taught to drive…) in order to accommodate another human being making legal use of the roadway.

We must suppose these selfish drivers do not consciously or subconsciously recognize the merit of legitimate exercise and equal rights of ownership constituted by those who use our public roads for recreation and transportation by bike or on foot. We are not behaving like proper zombies, you see. Being alive is frowned upon.

Instead a backlash has formed principally against cyclists who disobey traffic laws. That habit endangers motorists, cyclists and pedestrians alike. Valid points.

Who are the real zombies?

Screenshot_01But we’re also in need of a discussion about who the real zombies are on the roads. Because gaper’s blocks are raw evidence that the attention of many drivers is not on their intent, which is getting somewhere on time, but on finding distractions and entertainment while in the act of driving.

That might mean gaping at a roadside accident or it might mean sending a text, making cellphone calls, getting GPS readings, switching radio channels or scarfing an Egg McMuffin. These are all responses to appetites. People are like zombies feeding on human brains, only those brains are our own.

The zombie world 

See, it’s not cyclists disobeying traffic laws that are the real problem in society. It’s that society is so skewed toward motorized transportation that we’ve gutted even the need to pay attention to get where we’re going. Pretty soon we’re going to have vehicles that drive themselves, leaving us free to be road zombies as we drive to and from work or wherever else we’re going. But is that a good thing?

The question this raises is simple: If we don’t seem to need or choose to use our brains to function in tasks such as driving any more, why not turn them over to something useful, like zombie food, scientific research or watching endless hours of NFL games?

That last suggestion is a legitimate concern. If their current ad campaigns are any indication pro football apparently wants mindless devotees who think about nothing other than the sport. Live the football life. Play Fantasy Football.

Distracted drivers 

A worker laying down tarsnakes may be part of an elaborate conspiracy to turn America's roads into the flaming pit of hell.

A worker laying down tarsnakes 

But what it’s really all about is finding an obsession powerful enough to distract you from responsibility to others and caring about anything other than prurient fantasies of violence, speed and carnage. See the connections here? People that are conditioned to obsess about their own selfish interests and violent fantasies cannot possibly drive the roads with a concern for others unless, as gaper’s blocks prove, there is violence and carnage to be found there. Then it’s worth slowing down for a look. That’s the tarsnake of modern transportation.

Trick or treat

Against this stage of prurient obsessions and destructive tendencies we run and ride into a world where there is no guarantee that anyone is paying attention unless there is already a tragedy afoot, or one about to occur. It’s just like Trick or treat.

It makes you wonder whether our distracted, zombie-like population is now a mindless majority that would rather run us over and eat our brains. Whole segments of society who have willingly turned themselves into “dittoheads” and other anthemic devotees are hardly what enlightened leaders from Jesus to the Dalai Lama have envisioned for a better humanity.

Halloween every day

Instead it’s like very much like Halloween out there every day of the year, because the prospects of riding or running among distracted driver’s is pretty much a scary proposition. You obviously increase your odds of destruction by disobeying traffic laws, but the real problem is a world where zombies drive 2000 lb. vehicles. Isn’t that scary enough for you?

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No Stranger To Fiction

Posted on October 28, 2013 by Christopher Cudworth

By Christopher Cudworth

As I lay on the hospital operating table with my body held down with two straps and my arms extended to either side as if being readied for crucifixion, the thought occurred to me that the events leading up to the operation were surreal. A sliver. An infection in the finger. Now this.

So I did the thing I do best when faced with a piece of personal non-fiction. I made small talk. Asked what I did for a living I told the nurses working on me that I was a Writer. Then feeling the drugs kick in I was inspired to recite a poem. I remember saying two lines and then it was lights out.

I moved into a strange dream. All the runners at a race I was attending were dressed in strange costumes. Then I realized it was the Sycamore Pumpkinfest 10K. “Wait,” I told anyone that would listen. “I got 2nd in this race once. I ran 32:00. The guy in front of me cut the course.”

will closeI was stuck in what felt like a present fiction. I wanted to run but someone else was writing the script for the dream, so I could not. Perhaps you’ve felt like that before in your dreams.

It was much the same feeling as the character Harry Crick felt in the movie Stranger Than Fiction. Only in my dream the voice in my head was a form of deja vu and not predictive or present.

It is a tantalizing thing to dream about a place or situation you know so well. Your motivations transcend even your memories at times. People are strange when you’re a stranger. The Doors were most definitely right about that.

steimel 2Then I saw a scarecrow runner. His name was Jim Steimel. He grinned so hard it was hard to tell if he was the pre-or-post brain Scarecrow. There were other characters as well. Whole groups of people. They were all there to run and I was not. My strange operating room dream had landed me in limbo. So I kept on dreaming. halloween group

It’s like that when you’re dreaming or living in a fiction of your own creation. you begin to realize that Halloween is a valid commentary on reality.

And then I ran to the finish line to watch the first runners come in. The winner crosses the line and hardly anyone applauds.

The I awoke in the hospital bed. The doctors are gone and the room feels odd. A voice asks “How are you feeling?

“Like a winner,” I say. “I feel like a winner.’

“Well that’s good the nurse says. I heard you were reciting poetry in the operating room!’

“Yes,” I told her. “It goes like this. It’s a poem I wrote about a true story. About a waitress.”

“Although the saucer fit the dish

she turned too quickly, threw the cup

and watched in vain as coffee stained 

her shoes and left her morning drained,

“You’d never know,” she said to me

“I’ve been a waitress since thirteen.”

The nurse turned and looked at me.

“That’s a sad story, she told me. “I don’t like sad stories.”

And she left. My hand really hurt. But I didn’t dare hit the nurse button. She didn’t like sad stories. And what was mine if not that?

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Just what the doctor ordered: Giving a finger to the present

Posted on October 24, 2013 by Christopher Cudworth

By Christopher Cudworth

V marks the spot where the surgeon will open up the top of my finger. Notice the scars from flame-driven wart removal as a kid. I guess my left hand is jinxed.

V marks the spot where the surgeon will open up the top of my finger. Notice the scars from flame-driven wart removal as a kid. I guess my left hand is jinxed.

So, for three or four weeks now I’ve been messing around trying to get rid of an infection in my left hand middle finger that came from a sliver picked up while doing yard work. The finger has ballooned up and down over the past few weeks, at times so painful it was difficult even to tie my shoes.

Believe it or not, that level of pain and inconvenience is sufficient to cut down your will to work out. Yoga was out of the question as the pain seeped into the first joint of the palm and Down Dog would have resulted in Oh Crap That Hurts.

Riding through the pain

Cycling has been possible. Yet shifting was kind of tough because I rely on my left hand middle finger to shift into the big ring. Never really knew that before. Reminds me that during the Pumpkin Pie Ride I slipped a chain going downhill because I could not hold the shifter far enough to do a clean jump from little ring to big ring.

Just what the doctor ordered

I’ve done everything possible to fix the finger. Yet Just What the Doctor Ordered has not worked out so well. The swelling has been constant now for two weeks solid. Antibiotics did not work. Now they’ve given me stronger types and doses. The finger got feeling so much better last Sunday that I did all kinds of yard work. By Monday morning it looked like a sausage again. The doctors had warned me to rest it. I didn’t follow their orders to the letter.

What’s bugging me? 

I went to see an Infectious Disease doctor expecting to get a blood test to find out if my infection is a bacteria or a fungus but he shook his head and told me that would probably not show up at a level that small. So he called the Hand Surgery doctor and told him that surgery was the best route to figure out what the heck was going on.

Have I told you that the finger really hurts?

FingerIt’s not in my nature to complain if at all possible. But when you go to pee and it hurts so bad to touch the top of your finger with your pants that you want to skip the whole ordeal, it is time to do something.

Surgery is never a lot of fun. There’s all the prep and waiting. Tomorrow morning I can’t eat or drink a thing, which isn’t too bad. Used to that. But I also have to bathe with a special soap from head to toe, then brush my teeth with a new toothbrush and use a germ-killing mouthwash. All that prep keeps the infection rates down, the nurse told me.

50 Questions and Hot Nurses

She also asked my entire health history. It’s always weird playing that game, almost like something you’d do at a 7th grade party before getting to lock yourself in a dark closet to make out with a girl you really like, since you won the Truth or Dare prize.

No such luck. You don’t get to make out with nurses except in the Animaniacs cartoons or in porn movies. But I don’t think those ladies in the movies are actual nurses, do you? They wear white skirts, not scrubs. You get the picture.

nurseI have hugged a nurse once. Sort of by accident. During retina surgery way back in 1980 I hyperventilated at the sight of the big machine to which they were connecting me and woke up hugging the nurse around the waist telling her, “I love you!” I was hallucinating that she was my girlfriend at the time. She sat me back down in the chair with a stern face and said, “Now breathe!”

No chance, Buster

Tomorrow they’re knocking me out with anesthesia so none of it register in my memory. The surgeon will cut open my finger on top and bottom and clean out any gunk. He’s actually hoping to find a bit of “culprit” wood that slipped into my joint. That would make it clear why the finger is so damned irritated.

If not, they clean out any fluid and sew the thing back up.

Again, this is all four weeks into the process. Surgery is not the first option for the doctors or for me. But I made it through a complete reconstruction of a collarbone a little over a year ago. A finger may be smaller, but it’s pretty tender. I’m just praying for quick healing and no time off from work.

Back to work. And running. And riding. Swimming may have to wait. 

See, I love my job and the people I work with. You want to hold up your end of the bargain. Of course we all go through weird crap now and then. It’s part of living. But I guess with 2 weeks of stitches and recovery I won’t be starting a new swim program in November.

Whether I race as planned in the Pumpkinfest 10K in Sycamore this weekend remains to be seen. Will the hand hurt too much? Probably. But no worries. I finished as high as 2nd in that race years ago, so there’s nothing to prove.

I guess you could say that I’m giving a finger to the present. Life goes on, one bird at a time.

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The color of loyalty is purple

Posted on October 23, 2013 by Christopher Cudworth

By Christopher Cudworth

The purple LL Bean sweatshirt meets its possible green successor in my closet.

The purple LL Bean sweatshirt meets its possible green successor in my closet.

You probably have a favorite sweatshirt just like me. It has likely been in your closet for 5, 10 or even 20 years. Some sweatshirts seem to last forever while others collapse at the seams.

My most versatile and favorite sweatshirt is a purple fleece from LL Bean. When it was given to me for Christmas 20 years ago, I wasn’t keen on wearing it at first. My favorite brand at the time was Patagonia, and LL Bean had horned in on the activewear market by mimicking the styles created by the more innovative Patagonia lines.

Winning attitude 

However the LL Bean fleece top had several great features. It was light enough to wear running down to temperatures as low as 30 degrees. It was also thin enough to use as a layer under a windbreaker. Not many sweatshirts can actually make that claim. Most are too thin for an exterior layer or too thick to wear under anything. That means the weather conditions in which they are suitable to run in are fairly limited. A fall day of 47 degrees with a mild wind up to about a 56 degree spring day when it’s not raining. Otherwise, a sweatshirt is too bulky or thick to wear.

That’s why fleece was invented, to give you layers that don’t bunch up that much and can be layered for warmth and moisture wicking.

The LL Bean shirt fits those qualifications. And despite my guarded brand disgust as the thought of a copycat occupying my closet, the purple fleece “sweatshirt” became an integral part of my running and cycling wear over the years.

Miles of loyalty

We have seen a lot of things, that purple sweatshirt and I. Thousands of running miles in all kind of weather in spring and fall. It has never grown stinky or rank, the way some modern fabrics do if you let them line dry or make a mistake washing them. And speaking of drying: the purple sweatshirt has been soaked while still on my body and soon enough, with a little open air, got dry again so that I would not chafe or freeze.

The sleeves have also held up very well. Often the sleeves on a sweatshirt get stretched out if you push them up your arms when the day warms and your arms get hot. The next time you wear them the wrists are loose and the sweatshirt never feels the same again.

But not the purple sweatshirt. Its sleeves have rebounded from multiple cruel treatments and hundreds of washings. I am one thankful dude about such durability. One cannot appreciate how much a sweatshirt can bug you until the sleeves give out. Then you’re running and the wind blows up your arms or the floppiness ruins the zen of being outdoors. Flippy flappy floppy sweatshirts are not to my liking.

The purple sweatshirt is also unique in that it can be worn effectively while riding as well as running. Most cycling gear is too tight or spandexy to wear while running, while most running gear is too flappy to wear while riding. But there are garments that can cross over, and those are greatly appreciated for their utility.

Comely attractions

My purple companion has also favored me in the eyes of the opposite sex on occasion. Because it’s so comfortable, I’d often wear the purple sweatshirt to events like praise band rehearsal. One night one of the female singers turned to me and said, “I like your sweatshirt. It’s a good color on you.”

Middle-aged men do not often get compliments from beautiful young women in their 20s. Yes, I was happily married at the time and did not misconstrue the compliment for anything other than a pleasant nicety, but the compliment was great to receive just the same.

Stinky business

Sure, I’ve made the mistake of throwing on the sweatshirt when it had been worn running and was not yet washed. Suddenly you catch a waft of how you really smell and a flush of embarrassment washes over your face. “Damn,” you think to yourself. “I stink!”

So you surreptitiously shed the sweatshirt to a safe place and tough it out in just your tee shirt. Then you wash the purple beast one more time.

Wearing on

Finally after two decades of use the purple LL Bean sweatshirt is showing signs of dissolution. The cuffs of the sleeves are looser than they once were. That means the stretchy stuff inside is decomposing with age. Once that process is complete, the purple sweatshirt will have to be retired.

For now it commiserates with a bright green Nike running top that is perhaps the single most comfortable garment I have ever worn. It clings lightly to the skin, and has thumb holes so you can pull the sleeves down over the hands in cool weather.

It’s a winner. But it still has a long way to go before it surpasses the purple sweatshirt in sheer utility. If it were to make it two decades, I would most surely be pleased. And a bit older. But perhaps no less comfortable.

Philosophical clothing

Having seen important things come and go in my life, I have grown wise enough not to be overly sentimental about any material goods. Our lives change. Even our loved ones come and go from our lives, and some leave forever.

Which is why constancy is such an appreciated value in life. It may be the lone conservative thread in my otherwise liberal heart. But it pulls tight the garment of my soul, and keeps it close and strong.

One can only pray for such steadiness and hope in life. And pay attention when it comes around again. Because you never know how long a friendship or a love affair can last, even when it has a tinge of jealousy at the start.

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So tell me, what’s wrong with you. Part 2. Bronchitis. Yuck.

Posted on October 22, 2013 by Christopher Cudworth

By Christopher Cudworth

Somewhere in this picture the bronchial tubes are hiding so they won't be accused of making your life miserable.

Somewhere in this picture the bronchial tubes are hiding so they won’t be accused of making your life miserable.

Another reader named Jim L. shared a difficult challenge: How do you deal with bronchitis?

Here’s what he wrote in response to the original question:

Bronchitis sucks! It’s tough to ride a bike when you’re dealing with bronchitis all the time. Used to be a 2 or 3 week spell out of my riding season but last couple of years it’s been an on again, off again problem. Now I’ve always had allergies and have been doing shots for years (20+ or so), but even though they are doing better the bronchitis has decided to rear its ugly head more and more. Despite fighting it most of the year this year, I’ve been able to get in about 1,300 miles of riding. For some that’s not a lot but for me that’s a little on the low side but not bad, and definitely not where I’d like to be. So with the allergy shots, couple of inhalers, Zertec, Singular and some over the counter antihistamines (that the Doc says works with the mix) at age 61 I’d still like to get ready to be able some year do back to back centuries in a charity even I normally ride.

Dear Jim L.

You’re right. Bronchitis really sucks. But it also blows, have you noticed? Generally bronchitis is the result of extended symptoms first generated by the common cold. But not always. As you’ve noted, any significant irritation and ensuing weakness of the lung tissue can lead to bronchitis. Once irritated, the lungs and bronchial tubes seem to go into a sort of spasm mode, almost like a pulled muscle. And it hurts.

The phlegm and all that crap that goes with it is actually your body’s response to the irritation or response to the infection. The resultant inflammation can be a bitch to manage. See, there’s this thing we call breathing that you can’t avoid. And lots of things make it worse.

Pollutants can make bronchial irritations more acute. As can asthma, so you’ve noted. Then there’s the documented relationship between asthma and allergies. You’re starting to get the picture. Irritation of the lungs can be a really difficult and complex problem. Running and riding can make it even worse.

You might be interested to hear what WEB MD has to say about bronchitis:

Bronchitis is a respiratory disease in which the mucus membrane in the lungs‘ bronchial passages becomes inflamed. 

As the irritated membrane swells and grows thicker, it narrows or shuts off the tiny airways in the lungs, resulting in coughing spells that may be accompanied by phlegm and breathlessness.

The disease comes in two forms: acute (lasting from one to three weeks) and chronic (lasting at least 3 months of the year for two years in a row). 

Bronchitis: It’s a bitch

Jim, it sounds like you have a combo of acute and chronic bronchitis from how long it has lasted. That means you’re in a cycle of treatment followed by recurrence.

Here’s the bad news first. Those medications? I know they feel like they’re a good plan and necessary. But I personally have suspicions about how much good they do over the long term. The layered effect of medications is really hard to manage and sort out. But like Tom Waits once said, “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

That holds pretty true for over-the-counter medications. If you take them you have side effects. If you don’t take them you get sicker. This is known as a devil’s bargain, in which you lose one way or another.

So sick it was sick

Your lungs on bronchitis.

Your lungs on bronchitis.

I once got bronchitis so bad from overtraining that it produced severe migraines along with an ice cold hacking in my chest. The doctor prescribed Tylenol with Codeine for the headaches and my arms went numb. So I went to the hospital and got an x-ray that day, and it showed a huge gas bubble in my guts but the doc just said, “Go home and rest, son. You’re sick and need rest.”

So I ignored his advice. That night, I stayed out past midnight with my brothers at a bar called Mother’s on Division Street in Chicago. The whisky seemed to clear things up and two days later I was back running again. That was a sick way to get better.

The real treatment. Sort of. 

The fact that you’ve been fighting allergies so long and that exercise seems to make your bronchitis worse shows that there is a likely relationship between your allergies (part 1) your asthma and inhalers (part 2) and your bronchitis (part 3). In other words, you’ve got a rolling set of symptoms that add up to chronic bronchitis.

Probably there is infection at work here too. Your tired little lungs are probably damaged from all that shit they’ve been through. So, is there a cure?

I once wrote online content for an interesting little company called AllergyAsthmatech. They sell a bunch of products to help you manage all types of breathing problems. I don’t have any commercial connection with them, but their products are interesting.

Case history

One of the problems I had with colds and bronchitis was forced air heating. The dry air always sucked out the moisture in my house and I got colds all the time. Now I live in a home with radiant heat and hardly ever get colds. Plus I take zinc tablets at the slightest hint of a cold. Preventing colds is the first step in combatting viral infections that take over your lungs.

But you might try a humidifier for starters. Like these.  If your environment indoors is too dry and your allergies flare up as a result, perhaps it’s not the world outside that’s killing you. It’s your house.

House_Dust_MiteThere are all kinds of possible other challenges like pet dander or dust mites that cause chronic allergies. Maybe you’ve checked all that out over the years but in case you haven’t, going “back to the source” of your allergies can sometimes eliminate the chronic aspect of your bronchitis afflictions.

It might seem nutso, but perhaps you need to put a barrier over your mouth while you ride. If you are susceptible to allergens, this allergy mask might save you some trouble. You’ll just have to get a radical helmet to go with it.

It seems like you need to go Back To the Future to get to the origins of your bronchitis before you can effectively treat it. Then adopt strategies for long term management. That may include continued medication, but some of the effectiveness might have worn off over the years.

I no longer take any cold medications because I was told by my doctor the antihistamines mess with the old prostate gland, shutting down the pee business. And that ain’t no fun.

But it’s been 20 years since I took any, so I don’t know if that’s still true. An issue for another day.

Good luck and I hope this helps you deconstruct your bronchial issues.

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