50 Years of Running: Marching on

Foreshadowing

By March 6, 1983, the weather in southeastern Pennsylvania was beginning to moderate. I ran a sixteen-miler in 1:43 on a route that I now knew well enough to do with confidence. No more getting lost in horse country. I wrapped up the week with a set of 8 X 400s in 68-70 and a total of 51 miles. I was shooting for a ten-mile race in Cherry Hill, New Jersey the 20th of March.

On St. Patrick’s Day, I stayed home rather than go out drinking. “My phone’s off the hook,” I wrote. And quoting Jackson Browne, I noted, “Never shoulda had to try so hard to make a love work out, I guess. I wonder what love has got to do with happiness.”

Despite my ongoing angst over my relationship with Linda, everything seemed relatively under control until the night of March 18. I had decided to order some rainbow trout for dinner from a restaurant a few miles away, but a rainstorm hit and the roads were a blurry mess. As I crested a hill in my Plymouth Arrow, I came upon an accident scene. A car sat sideways on the curb with its lights aimed directly at the roadside bushes. And next to it, a man lay crumpled in his own blood. Immediately I thought, “That’s not good.”

There were people running around the scene, and one crossed the road directly ahead of me. So I slowed my car to a stop to wait for them to move out of the way. That’s when a set of car headlights came flying over the hill and rammed hard into the back end of my car. The Arrow lurched forward, flinging my head toward the steering wheel. I blacked out for a moment, but woke quickly and sat there stunned. My neck hurt, and so did my chest, because I’d been thrust hard against the seat belt. Thank God I was wearing one.

I unbuckled the belt and crawled slowly out of the car door. The guy that hit me was already outside his car staring at the back of my bumper. “I’m so sorry dude,” he confessed. “I hit you so hard. My music was on. Are you okay?”

Honestly, I wasn’t sure. I glanced across the road at the scene of the original accident. Something made me want to check on the man I’d seen lying by the side of his car. I wrote in my journal that night: “Fuckin March luck. Bad luck held out again. Got slambanged on a simple trip west on 30. Ka-thump. Never saw it coming. The wet road disappeared for a moment but I knew immediately what the do was. Some poor kid with the tunes cranked rapped the Arrow’s rear end. One more assault on the poor exterior of my baby. Fender looks poor. Then I wandered up the dripping road to see the man with blood on his head and hands. He moaned in the darkness. I hope he lived and is o.k. The experience must be horrible, but shock must buffer the pain. The cars are ripping by outside. Gotta ride the Schuykill tomorrow. God works in strange ways. It’s 12:06. I love Linda.”

The next day my neck was sore, and the day after too. But I’d committed to running the Cherry Hill ten miler so I drove through Philly and crossed the bridge to fulfill my mission. My neck was so sore that I tied a blue kerchief around it to keep warm. I must have looked ridiculous, like an addle-brained pirate that couldn’t put the thing on top of his head, but I didn’t care. Sore as I was in many places, I’d come this far and wasn’t turning back. Little did I know at the time that what I was experiencing was a medical condition called whiplash. Years later, I learned that the accident permanently altered the position of my neck vertebrae. Life tectonics.

Racing in Cherry Hill

The day turned breezy and the air alternated between cool breezes and warm temps that at points rose as high as sixty-eight degree, but shifted back as colder air from the Atlantic battled for dominance. The winds thus came from different directions at different points on the course, so it was hard to settle into a rhythm. But I took it out in 4:55, ran through three in 15:00+, eight miles in 43:00, and came home in 53:54, my best ten-mile performance to date.

“First mile in 5:00 was effortless,” I wrote. “Will I gain further efficiency by going out even slower? I finally beat the Plaisted guy, or Converse or whatever. Didn’t notice mile markers for some reason. Took two small sips of water. Right foot blistered but mostly got numb and sore. Kept stride the entire race but let down against the wind. The psychology of the turnaround got me. Consider, Pete Crooke ran 49: something. Only 4+ minutes ahead. Placed seventy-first overall. Equates to about a 50:17 15Km, which isn’t that bad. Run a 15KM and go under 50:00. That’d be the fun race. Had a real good stretch past five miles, smooth, relaxed. Beat fucking Jack Myers. Try to edge the mileage toward sixty a week, but stay health. So I’m going to bed. I wanna girl like Sigourney Weaver…”

Yes, I’d been watching Aliens on the TV. That underwear scene. Who can blame me?

Blown away

The race felt like a metaphor for everything going on in my life. Buffeted by forces unseen, I was plowing through with everything I had to give. I confessed my twisted soul in the journal that weekend, quoting a bit of Pink Floyd, “Got admit that I’m a little bit confused. I don’t know whether to go out or stay home. I think about the girls I’ve known and I quantify them in terms of beauty. They’re beautiful inside, stupid. That college girlfriend was a hell of a love. The woman from work a Copernican shooting star. The theory is correct but the universe is different than we think. Now Linda, a honey sweet bit of barley girl, an Amoreena when I need her most and I deny her. I should marry that girl and quit looking upon it as giving in. Have a last fling. Run to the beach and pray that the God of erect nipples bestows a beach baby upon you. But will you ever be satisfied? You’ll always want one more beautiful girl. You can’t have them all. You’ve never lived…but…I have had fantasies come true. Which is the path with heart? Which is controlled folly?”

That last observation was a product of my reading the works of Carlos Castaneda and the Teachings of Don Juan. Now I was applying those fictional principles to real life, and real love, or the fear of it, “I’m probably looking for replacements for Linda, fearing the hurt and guilt I know will come. It’s like I know I won’t go through with it and I’m looking for excuses. My poor best friend heard the dim story for the umpteenth time. I wonder how much pressure there would be if I were still there? Then there’s that elder girlfriend; the perfect fuck I seldom lived up to. So weird after sex, a sixties mind trip hold out. Big jugs in the dark, a soft set of lips that kissed and palpitated. And teeth, always teeth. When will I ever find a girl who gives a good blow job? That’s what I need. A real suck queen. But I also need a wife. And I shan’t just possess her. Keep your eyes open and your heart in control.”

While I wasn’t much of a car guy, I did love my gold Plymouth Arrow. It ran smooth and quiet until the oil leak.

All the existential pandering hardly prepared me for the practical ugliness and confusion of what came next for my banged-up car. By Pennsylvania law, while getting my car registered, I’d had to repair a small rust hole on the underside of the vehicle. Anything bigger than a quarter had to be fixed before you could register for a license plate. I’d quickly purchased car insurance from a storefront agent in downtown Paoli. It turned out that he wasn’t entirely on the up and up. When I showed up to discuss the bumper claim, he walked outside and declared… “No problem!” Then he turned to me and said, “Obviously not your fault. We’ll get this paid for and get you a couple hundred bucks on top of that. How’s that sound?”

We walked back inside. He filled out paperwork and shoved it back at me. “Drop the car off at this repair shop and they’ll throw a new bumper on there for you. You’ll get a check from me. There will be something for you in there too.”

I sat there numb for a minute. Was this insurance fraud? I took the car to get fixed and went for a run while they put the bumper on. It was clearly not the same style bumper as the original manufacturer. I called the agent to discuss the matter and he said, “Whattaya want? It’s a bumper, isn’t it? Did you get the money I sent you on top of the payout?”

Indeed, I’d received a check for $200 more than the amount I owed for the bumper and installation time. I needed the money, so I decided not to ask any questions. But I thought to myself, “So this is how this shit works…” The entire Pennsylvania registration system felt like a massive scam.

I drove to work late that morning and lamented, “Wish I could do that whenever I felt like it. Left Philly and hit the roaring Schuykill on the way home. Boathouse Row like a string of lights along the river. Now I’m home home home. Good night.”

March had been one helluva month

I was about to collide with another form of reality.

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50 Years of Running: Green-eyed redemption

Coming off the Miami weekend in January of 1983, I got caught in the rain during the first run back and came home feeling dragged out, with cold symptoms haunting me all the next day. “I’m resting tonight to see if this is how to cure a cold. Lot’s of Coca-Cola today. Laundry night. Nose is sinus sensitive but the running’s stopped, no pun intended.”

Years later I would discover that for me, the use of zinc tablets knocks out colds in the early stages. I also learned that extremely dry air contributes to sensitivity. And so does late-night masturbation when I was already tired. About that, I’m not kidding. As a perpetually horny young man, those rituals were simply part of life. But there was a yin and yang response in my body at times, that I could feel almost instantly. Something about the additional fatigue of a session was enough to shove my body over the edge.

So I learned to be judicious. If that sounds crazy, so be it. I beat the cold for once and lined up for a race the last weekend in January. It was a five-mile road race. I wore a pair of new Nike Mariahs, a new racing shoe with a full air insole. They felt light on my feet, but my toes went numb from the air soles. They were an interesting cream color that matched one of the pale yellow hues in my watercolor set. I wore them a few times and retired them to comfort shoes because my feet felt terrible every time I raced in them.

However, the race itself went well. I went out fast in 4:45, through two miles in 9:45, and three miles in 15:00. Then I hit some hills and came through four in 20:35, still a fine time for a four-mile race, before finishing solidly in 25:39. “Not bad for January,” I wrote. And, “Dick Hayden went by me.”

Humbling truth

That was the humbling part of racing for the Runner’s Edge team. Almost everyone was faster than me. But the best aspect of that truth came back to the training. If it doesn’t crush you, running with superior athletes almost always makes you better.

On February 11, I got a call from a former Luther College teammate, Keith Ellingson, who was in Philadelphia on a coaching seminar. We went for a short four-miler together in Philly, and got to catch up on life some too. I had not seen him since the previous New Years when Linda and I traveled to Decorah to go skiing with Keith and his wife Kristi.

We got a killer snowstorm in the middle of February, nearly 20 inches overnight, so rather than run some road race, I found an indoor track meet and blasted through a 9:29 two-mile, running miles of 4:40 and 4:49. The next day, I ran a measured 15.5 mile run in 1:37:30, or 6:00 pace. But through it all there was a nagging knee problem, a bit of tendonitis that would not go away. Part of the problem was the training shoes I’d purchased at the start of January. The Saucony Dixons I tried were just too stiff and hard.

And in late February, I was facing other stiff concerns. “Linda ground me out by phone,” I wrote. “I still can’t make a commitment.”

Green-eyed redemption

On January 29th I’d written in my journal, “Is this confusion, fatigue or lovesickness racking my body this time through. My stereo keeps clicking off. Nobody better read this is they don’t want to know the truth. 3 hours of sleep. Restless sleep with a green-eyed lovely next to me. Her camisole was so damn cute, better than I ever imagined her body anyway. Firm breasts and a round, solid pair of glutes. And loverly. Oh so companionable. But she will probably never orgasm until her daddy-went-away (and I don’t blame her) complex is dissolved. I didn’t try to perform miracles, but my love is heartfelt for you. Your name will never change to me, green eyes. I hardly care if I am first or last or even best. I have been yours and that is enough yet never enough. I’d like to spoil you. Simple yet complete girl and woman. It is a lonely house. Doctor My Eyes. You must help me if you can. Was I unwise to leave them open for so long? I’ve learned how not to cry.”

That woman and I would see each other again after we were both married, but nothing was ever mentioned about that night between us. It did not need to be. Who says that sex between two people cannot be about connections that need never be explained? Certainly, the prudish Christian world sometimes times insists that love outside marriage is some kind of sin. In some cases, I believe it is the exact opposite. Sex between two people that love each other yet know their futures are not meant to converge in matrimony is both the ultimate compliment and the penultimate complement. It is the bodily confession of departure, the form of goodbye that lasts forever. And frankly, I experienced that with a previous green-eyed woman, and have no regrets.

So while my path seemed aimless at that time, as if I could not make up my mind about anything, in truth the entire journey was a wide-awake attempt at finding out who I really am. I’d also sit at the easel most days painting like a fiend, in love with the process, and trying to make something real out of nothing. It was all so parallel: the running, the loving, the painting, and the writing. To this day, I make no apologies. In some insane way, I really knew what I was doing.

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50 Years of Running: Ringing in 1983

After a sweet Christmas in Chicago with Linda, I returned to life in Paoli with an eye on starting the New Year the right way. A long run.

“I ran a very relaxed but determined two hours today,” I wrote. “Most of it was 6:30 pace with the late middle miles faster and the last three very slow, because I became light-headed again. This feeling did not hit me until probably fifteen minutes past one hour of running, when I picked up the pace on the flat shoulders of Route 252. The entire route went: Paoli Pike to Sugartown Road, Sugartown to Goshen, Goshen to Grubb (or Grubb’s Mill) to the aintersection of Barr and Whitehorse, Whitehorse to 252–one lap around the local golf course, up to Route 30 on 252 and several dizzy laps around the cemetery and park. Ran from 1:55 to 3:55 p.m. This got me over the stigma, somewhat, of two hours but I learned precisely at what point and what pace the ire of fatigue took over. It is and was a beautiful, warm winter day with a cool breeze from the northwest. Wore Goretex top, two T’s and a pair of Luther sweats. Oregon’s (adidas) felt good. Strangely, my knee problem, tendinitis around the outside of the joint, is eradicated. Knee felt quite fluid going upstairs. I was locked out when I got home! Climbed the house to get back in.”

There were many such moments when I locked myself out of the house. Blame it on my ADHD. In response, I’d developed a technique of scaling a gutter to the roof above the downstairs door, reaching over to the second-floor window, and climbing inside.

That afternoon, I grew extremely hungry from all those running miles and walked over to the Turkey Hill convenience store to buy anything that looked good to snack on. As I approached the door, a guy angling toward the same entryway stared at me and walked smack into the glass door. I went home with my snack collection and mused in my journal: “God gave me a helluva an illustration today. Some guy walked into a door today while staring at me. ‘Don’t let the fascination with life occupy your better senses.’ He seemed to be acting the fool, or needing sympathy or something. But his eyes were so fixated, and with all those people watching. The guy at the counter said, “he comes in here quite often, and he seems like a sedate guy.” There’s your only resolution, Christopher, on this, the beginning of a New Year, and you’re already begun on the old year. Let or make the balance of activity come and you don’t walk into any closed doors. Happy New Year!”

Then I wrote: ARTIST • PAINTER • WRITER • RUNNER • LOVER. BELIEVER IN GOD. WHO GAVE YOU JOY AND LOVE ON EARTH. And bless Linda, Family and Friends.

Post Race Of The Americas with my cousin Alan Nichols.

And then came a race in Florida. My cousin Alan Nichols reached out to me somehow, and we arranged a visit to his place in Miami to join him in running the Race of the Americas 10K. I hadn’t really known to that point that Alan became a marathoner. But his father, my Uncle Kermit, was once a leading distance runner in the Northeast. He’d trained as a runner by scrambling up the Catskill mountain on which the family farm resided. My mother recalled watching her older brother run a road race in which he built a lead so large that he stopped during the competition to chat with family members.

I grew up visiting that farm as a child. Much of my love of nature comes from those visits, as there were leopard frogs in every watery tire track, and black fossils found in every chunk of slate of which the mountain was composed. In summer, we once crested that hill and tread our way down a tumbling streambed formed of that slate. It was one of the most magical moments of my entire life.

So I was eager to spend some time with Allen both to run the race and to share some memories together. As kids, we often fished in the Susquehanna River that bordered the “flats” of the farm. That’s where my Uncle Kermit would pile me on his legs and start up the tractor to tear across the fields next to the river while towing the manure spreader behind us. I’d cling to his lap while staring down at the crazily spinning tractor tires inches from us on either side. While I openly dreaded the idea of falling off to my death, my uncle’s giant arms kept my skinny little body in a safe place. We tore down the flats with increasing speed as the cow shit flung in merry distribution behind us.

The chain pickerel is a beautiful species of fish in the pike family.

Come evening, my brothers and I would walk down to the Susquehanna with our fishing rods to catch bass and pickerel. We had a slim collection of lures in our tackle box. And honestly, Alan was terrible about losing those lures, catching them on weeds and such underwater, and a couple times he went to cast and spun them around a nearby tree branch. During one trip, we had only few good lures left between us, and gave Alan a rusted, hammered brass spoon with just two of the treble hooks left. He cast the lure but forgot to flip the bail. The line whipped ahead of him and the lure shot down into the lily pads with an audible !thunk!. The water erupted as a twenty-inch chain pickerel attacked the lure and Alan reeled it in. He’d just caught the biggest fish of the week.

I found that somewhat hilarious, actually. We put the pickerel in a bucket and took it high up on the ill to release it in the deep, clear spring where an artesian spring rose up from the depths of the mountain. Returning that next spring after a snowy winter, we were surprised to find that pickerel resting at the bottom of the spring. Apparently, it had found plenty to eat and slept through the winter in some kind of pickerel torpidity.

Pre-race warmup in Miami with my cousin Alan Nichols, January 1983.

So I flew to Miami to visit Alan because who doesn’t like an opportunity to meet a cousin you haven’t seen in fifteen years? We raced the 10K and I wound up running alongside Ron Hill, one of the world’s greatest distance runners. I also ran next to Grete Waitz, the world’s best woman marathoner at that stage of the running boom, and even somehow bested Bob Hodge, a national-class distance runner clearly having an off-day down in Miami. I ran 32:20 for the 10k distance, and wrote, “No real blowouts. Just common pain. Wished I’d known splits. Could have run more relaxed early on.”

Grete Waitz leads noted distance ace Bob Hodge during Race of the Americas. I narrowly beat them both that day.

Indeed, no mile times were given throughout the race. I’d never run in a major race like that where there weren’t split times. I had a watch, but the mile points weren’t well-marked either. As I recall, Craig Virgin won the race that day. He was adorned in his yellow Front Runner adidas kit and eager to make headway in the burgeoning road-running scene of the early 1980s. I’d first seen him run ten years before in the Illinois State Cross Country meet in 1972. His time of 13:51 from that day would stand untouched for another forty years. He’d go on to win two World Cross Country Championships, and had a great shot at the Olympic 10K title if the United States had not boycotted the Moscow Games. If you want to read about his entire career, the biography Virgin Territory produced by sportswriter Randy Sharer is a compelling account of a world-class runner in both his glory and struggles. It wasn’t yet an easy time to be a professional runner, but Virgin was a trailblazer.

Craig Virgin leading the Race of the Americas 10K in Miami, circa January 1983
Christopher Cudworth at the Race of the Americas 10k, January 1983

The day after the race, Alan and I visited the Everglades. We rented bikes to ride around a 15-mile trail through the park. At one point, I was looking at the ditches for signs of water birds, and didn’t look up at a low-hanging branch where a red-shouldered hawk was perched. And then, around 13 miles, we encountered a large alligator laying across the narrow bike trail. The ten-foot beast was sunning itself on a cool day, so I reasoned it wasn’t going to be that active if we needed to jump over it. Alan chuckled in his famous way, and said, “You go first.” So I did, and the alligator just laid there like a log. So Alan followed suit and we didn’t have to ride the thirteen miles back the way we came. We were both thankful for that.

My drawing from the winter of 1982 foretold an encounter I’d soon have at Biscayne Bay in Florida.

On Monday, Alan needed to go to work, so I was on my own to find fun around Miami. I decided to go for a run and a swim at Biscayne Bay. The sun was warm and after the run, I stripped down to a blue Speedo swimsuit and sat in the rays. I stretched out on a towel between the sand dunes, and kept an eye out for girls walking along the beach. Still tired from the race the day before, I laid back down for a partial nap in the sun but awoke upon hearing a woman’s voice say, “Hi, how are you?”

I sat up, surprised at hearing that sweet voice. Then I went speechless at the sight before me. Here stood a short but magically built young woman wearing a tiny, bright blue swimsuit. The sun hit her at an angle where every detail of her body was evident. Her nipples stood out from her breasts, and the tiny swimsuit barely covered everything else. She stood over me on the towel and asked if she could sit down. “Sure,” I said.

I know. Dumb answer, right? But I ask in all sincerity: How cool would you be if a sun goddess in blue appeared in your midst, standing against the sky like an Atlantic mermaid come ashore?

We talked a bit. I learned that she’d attended college at Skidmore, and that she and her male companion drove down the East Coast to Florida for the fun of it. But now she was bored with him and pointed up the beach to where her companion sat staring out at the water. It took most of my life to realize that in some cases, a woman bored is essentially a woman scorned. She’d come to Florida for a sense of adventure, and for some reason her guy wasn’t delivering it.

I squinted up the beach trying to size him up in case he came after me for messing with his girl. I reasoned that with my relative speed, I could always outrun 99.9% of the people in the world. He was too far away to gather much about his athleticism. Beside, we were partly obscured by the dune grass.

“It’s getting hot up here in the sand,” I suggested. “Want to go for a swim?”

We walked down to the beach and as we went, I openly admired her. She walked in that relaxed way that showed she clearly liked the attention. We waded into the water, which was somehow plenty warm, and floated around together. She laid back with her chest to the sky and the blue bikini top clinging to her breasts. If I’d have had an ounce of self-confidence and male drive at that moment, I’d have invited her up the beach to have a good go of it on my towel. Instead, her eyes glazed over after a few minutes in the water, and she was bored with me too. “Well, nice to meet you,” she said, walking out of the water. Then she walked back down the beach toward her boring half-lover while I retreated to my stupid-ass towel still sitting between dunes.

Her laissez faire impressed me on many levels. Despite all my native lusts and fantasies, I’d let her slip away. That was sad, because I’d recently done a drawing of a fantasy girl by the beach. Yet here I’d been in the presence of a real woman eager to do what she wanted with her own body, and I’d stumbled into shyness. In that regard, she reminded me of the character Bo Derek played in the movie “10,” and I was about as awkward as the Dudley Moore character. Perhaps I had Linda ––my own Julie Andrews character––in the back of my mind as well.

My pencil sketch of a fantasy girl by the sea, circa 1982.

Later, I described the scene to my cousin Alan, who chuckled again and said, “You really blew that one.” There are few times in life when greater truths have been spoken to me.

What can I say? No one bats a thousand in this world. A major league ballplayer that hits .350 enough years gets a sure ticket to the Baseball Hall of Fame. But I also learned that if you keep swinging, sometimes you hit one out of the park.

I came with a wicked sunburn and a case of sore feet from running barefoot on the beach. It was surely fun to see my cousin and take a break from the manic commuting life up in Philadelphia. But things were moving behind the scenes in many ways that year. Sometimes when you’re running as fast as you can, it’s hard to notice things coming up from behind.

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50 Years of Running: A finish line not crossed

As the seasons changed from fall to winter, training in the dark night got hazardous. On December 12 I noted, “Cool, quite comfortable night. In bed at 10:00. Run went real well tonight with the exception of a fall, so sudden I was unhurt, no bumps even.”

I also had a new running mate, a talented woman my age looking for a training partner. She was fast, and we did our workouts at a quick pace. I was super impressed with her ability and endurance.

One night the roads were icy and she took a tumble as well. I helped her up and brushed off the snow from her running gear. She was embarrassed, but I told her, “No worries. I fell down like that last week.”

On the third night that we ran together, she explained that the support system for her running was not that great at home. Her husband didn’t like running at all. “He just sits around the house,” she observed.

The conversation expanded from there. She went on to explain that not only was her husband lazy, he also paid little attention to her in many other ways. He was no good in bed, for one thing.

I realized this was a woman with several layers of problems going on, and she was trapped in a dull and boring marriage. I tried counseling her on ways to get her husband interested in her running because I thought that was safe territory. But the conversation came back to his general disinterest. I was trying to take the innocent path, rather than the route she was clearly interested in taking.

On the fourth run we did together, we started and finished at my house. She thanked me for the run and then leaned forward to plant a wet kiss right on my lips with her arms around my neck.

I was surprised, for a moment, and yet not surprised at all. I was torn about what to do in the moment, yet knew the right way to respond. I said, “That was sweet.”

Surely there could have been an affair in the making. I could have asked her up to my apartment right then and there, and she would have come. We could have turned our weekly runs into an excuse to have sex every week and the running might have stopped altogether.

There’s no question that I was interested in her on many levels. I would have loved having that affair. She had an amazingly fine body and a beautiful face. Her slightly wavy red hair shone under the streetlights as we ran. The color of her eyes defied even the paints in my watercolor box.

But I resisted her affections. Because while I was a jerk on my own time, and had my own issues with commitment and respect for a relationship, taking on the problems of a married woman did not seem like a good idea at all.

And truthfully, I thought about that poor dope she married, and how much it would hurt for him to find out she’d been cheating on him. Or worse, he might not care at all. Then she’d be cast adrift with nothing to show for the risk she’d been taking. And what if he came after me with violent intent? I knew that the seemingly quiet dudes are often the most and dangerous when inflicted by jealousy. Think Richard Gere in the movie “Unfaithful” with Diane Ladd. Don’t mess with the wrong married man.

I also wasn’t about to go down the road of trying to steal her away from that guy. That was a finish line I was not willing to cross. So we stopped running together. I greatly missed our weekly workouts, because she was a fun and joyous person when she wasn’t feeling sad and morose about the condition of her marriage.

Perhaps in another life, we’d have made a great couple. I’d always wanted to go out with a “runner girl,” and tried to set that up during high school or college. There were a few wishful attempts at making time with girls from other schools during summer track. Then in college, I had the chance to date the girls on the cross country or track team, but I was dating other people. Now here I was with a sweet and beautiful woman runner throwing herself in my lap, and I turned down the opportunity.

That was clearly the right thing to do. I’ll admit to wondering in retrospect how her marriage turned out. It’s not uncommon for people in the first years of marriage to have doubts. One of my former lovers contacted me a year or more into her marriage and said, “I made a mistake.” It went no further. I’ll leave it at that.

She did go on to have a happy marriage by all reports. My truth is that as a 24-year-old man, I was having trouble with the idea of committing to marriage so young in life. In many respects, that’s the healthier way to deal with conflicted emotions. It takes time for some people to get those second thoughts out of the way. Then when you do cross that finish line and start the of life together, there’s a clearer path than the one you’ve left behind.

But wherever that ginger-haired woman with the fast stride may be, I wish her well.

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50 Years of Running: Trying to get a leg up

I took a week off from racing after the zoo 10K and the Philly 8.4 miler. My brother invited me to come out to Lancaster and compete against his former Millersville classmate Jeff Bradley in a ten-mile road race. As it turned out, there were other Millersville guys such as Alan Treffinger that I’d run against at the national level in college. Seeing some of them on the starting line, I knew it would be a fast race, and I had no illusions of winning, especially after the much-faster and more experienced runner in Jeff Bradley.

The race did turn out fast. Even on the hilly course, we ran the first five miles fast: 5:00-10:01-15:35-20:55-26:10. By then, I’d dropped off twenty yards off lead as Bradley surged and a few others pulled away. Then the field strung out as we climbed hills and tore down the other side. I continued racing at a decent pace, passing six miles in 31:54, then seven at 37+, eight at 42:35, nine at 49+ and 54:04 at the ten-mile finish line. At the finish line, I was cooked. It ws extremely hard race. “Held pace well. Didn’t surge tho. Ran some uphills steadily. Felt headache a.m., kind of queasy. Had felt well on Friday, Thursday night. Probably just tension. Won a pair of shoes.”

The shoes I won turned out to be a set of Converse training flats. That company was trying to make inroads in the running market, so I was excited to receive a box in the mail with the shoes inside. They felt terrible on my feet and turned out to be absolutely awful running shoes. I ran four miles in them and never put them on again except to trudge around a marsh, and even then, they weren’t comfortable. So my “big award” turned out to be as big a disappointment as the Leg Lamp in the movie A Christmas Story.

November to remember

I summed up the November racing in more detail as well. “November ruminations–“Low mileage month. Ran three races. October 31–8.4 miles in 44:36, 10 km in 31:58 and a ten mile, hilly mother in 54:03. Thus about 1/2 of the month was probably recovery time….and I probably needed even more time than I gave it. Ten-miler proved to be a storyteller…went through 5 nearly as fast as I did/total in first 5-miler. Improved 10K time somewhat– 20 seconds–and learned that the leaders don’t necessarily go out any harder than 5:00, they just maintain.”

I continued the ruminations: “So, what does it mean? It means I’ve got a ways to go to be a sub 31:00 10K man, but that I’ve got the speed (4:15 mile now??) and can gain the stamina with a reasonable amount of consistency and the willingness to give up a bit for it. Where I’ll have to figure out. The dark nights are certainly tough, but then there’s tonight, a moonlit blue night cool as a hawk’s eye but not too windy and I felt like running so…”

Thanksgiving weekend

The following week I was hosting my at-home girlfriend Linda at my place in Paoli. I’d been back to Chicago once or twice on the company plane, but only for quick weekend shots. That was enough to keep the relationship going, but having a Thanksgiving weekend together would be good for us. I was excited to have her visit. The fall weather was cool, but not cold. A long line of maple trees along Paoli road shone a bright yellow. The day before her arrival, I planned to go for a celebratory run under that avenue of trees, but the rains came in torrents and stripped the trees bare. The entire countryside dimmed from bright autumn colors to somber greys and browns in a single night. The next morning the road under the maple trees looked golden with a layer of wet yellow leaves covering the surface. That made me sad because I was excited to show off the landscape in which I’d been running the past few weeks.

I was scheduled to pick her up at the Philly airport that night. Her flight was supposed to arrive at 8:00 p.m. so I showed up early and sat near the gate because back then, you could do that. Then word came over the loudspeaker that the connecting flight she was supposed to catch in Cleveland was canceled due to problems with the aircraft. With a touch of compassionate irony in her voice, the gate attendant told us that the plane we now saw pulling out of the bay was leaving flying to Cleveland to fetch those passengers and fly back again. I thought to myself, “Well, there goes three hours.”

I considered driving back to my place in Paoli and coming later to pick her up, but it was an hour each way, and that seemed foolish. Then a thought occurred to me; for some reason, it was really quiet in the airport that night. I sat there looking at the red-carpeted hallways and realized that the airport was built like a big square. “Hey,” I said to myself. “I could get in a decent run while I wait.”

Rolling locker room

I always carried some kind of running gear in my car. That night, all I had was some half-dirty racing gear and a set of worn-out Tiger flats. A quote I’d heard from a runner somewhere ran throw my head, “Go train, because if you’re not, your competitor probably is…” I was always trying to get a leg up on the competition.

So, I pulled on my gear and jogged back through the terminal to the square part of the airport and did a mile warmup. For the next hour or so, I ran repeats indoors just like we’d done while running the hallways of the high school in training for indoor track. I was just enough of an egotist to pull that off in the Philadelphia airport. Something in me imagined that my training was important enough to do it fully in the public eye. But after a lap or two, no one even noticed anymore. I finished five or six miles that way and finally heard the gate attendant announce that the flight from Cleveland was now loaded and would be headed our way in a few minutes.

That gave me time to head back to the car, towel off and change. I wiped all the important body parts with a stick of Brut deodorant and headed back to the airport. I felt a bit grungy, but happy that I’d gotten in a workout. There was still an hour-and-a-half to wait. Now I was just plain tired. Such were the ups and downs of life on the run.

My first-ever turkey trot

Earlier that day after work, I received a phone call from Linda to confirm her flight number. She asked if I had remembered to buy a Thanksgiving turkey that day. “Can’t we pick one up tomorrow?” I asked.

“No, Chris,” she said with some concern. “It needs to thaw. You need to go buy one right now.”

I hung up the phone and drove to the grocery store a mile away. Walking into the meat aisle, I was stunned to see that the entire freezer case was empty except for a lone frozen turkey sitting in the middle. Noticing another person at the far end of the aisle, I jogged toward the turkey and beat her to it. Never in my life had I felt so selfish and foolish. Without looking her in the eye, I grabbed the turkey, shoved it under my arm like a big pink football, and trotted away to the checkout line.

Back at home, I put the turkey in the refrigerator because I didn’t know how fast a turkey would actually thaw. This one was 15 pounds. When we got home from the airport, Linda immediately pulled the turkey out and we had it for Thanksgiving after all. Then we made love in my stupid little bed on the floor, and all seemed right with the world for a while that weekend.

Except it all felt rushed and too short. Yes, I was thrashing around trying to fight off loneliness and depression through other women in Paoli, but I had genuine feelings for Linda. Driving her back to the airport that day felt wrong. She knew it too. “Maybe I should move out here,” she asked. “I could find a teaching job.”

“That’s a nice idea,” I responded. “But I have no idea if this whole thing in Philly is even going to work out for me. Everything’s moving so fast.”

Money talks

The following week our big boss and President Jack Merritt treated the entire office to a nice dinner out in Philadelphia. Jack was a genuous man, and invited Linda and I to dinner at his home in New Jersey during one of her visits. He grew elaborate orchids in his spare time, and appreciated good wine.

Along with Jack, I’d begun to like many of the people in the office. For the most part, the feeling seemed mutual among them. For all my odd quirks and bad jokes made out of anxiety on the job, the relationships we developed from working together on projects were growing. After all, I’d only been there for four months, but thanks to all the newness of life in Philly and Paoli, that short period of time felt intense to me. But then, a happy little miracle came along. That night, Merritt handed out raises (mine was $1000) and bonuses. I took home a $3000 check. That helped my finances after scraping by for those first few months. I could pay off some lingering debts, especially the long-distance phone bill.

A warm December day

On December 5 the weather turned sunny and warm. Temperatures reached 75 degrees. All the running clubs in the area turned out for a competitive 10K in the hilly reaches of West Chester or some other clean little suburb. I decided to go for it that day and ran the first downhill fast along with the rest of the field. But even after passing the first mile in 4:40, I was thirty places back from the front. Hammering away, I passed three miles in 15:30, four in 20:35, five in 25:30, and 10K in 32:15.

I’d run decently, but still expected more from myself. I made that statement to a Runner’s Edge teammate Dick Hayden. He turned to me in seriousness and said, “32:15 is a good time.” That actually meant a ton to me at that moment. I really respected those Runner’s Edge guys. Dick was pursuing a sub-31:00 10K himself and had recently done a 6 X 1-mile workout all under 5:00 pace. That made me wonder if I should be doing the same. Other guys questioned the wisdom of it. But I think Dick went out and did it.

Of the most recent race, I wrote in the journal: “Gut gave out at the end. Legs never really hit the max point…I know I can run 25:00 flat now. Felt washed out the first mile. Ran well downhill. Wasn’t even a real clicker mentally today. You gotta know you can do it, and you can. Perhaps loneliness sucked it out of you.”

Yes, I was always super hard on myself, including the dating life: “Don’t sit on your ass then dumb fuck. Hit on a girl once in a while. Then run well. From now on….50 miles is base. We ain’t going under 200 miles a month. Eat well (good groceries tonight) sleep well, do your job and run. It’s coming, now snap this plateau. One you run 5:00 per mile, think of the confidence, the relaxation, the new level.”

I was trying so hard to get a leg up in the world and kept coming up with a leg lamp instead. But I wasn’t going to quit. That’s for sure.

Posted in 10K, 400 meter intervals, Christopher Cudworth, college, race pace, racing peak, track and field, training, TRAINING PEAKS | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

50 Years of Running: Breaking barriers

Running has its barriers for everyone. Until Sir Roger Bannister first broke the 4:00 mile barrier in 1954, people speculated that it could never be done. Now the world record set by in 1999 by Hicham El Guerrouj stands at 3:43.13, and it has not broken for 23 years. The marathon record of 2:09 set by Derek Clayton stood for a decade or so before men like Alberto Salazar and Steve Jones lowered it. Then came the African runners who dropped it precipitously. Much like the mile, it was believed that the barrier of a two-hour marathon could never be breached. Yet the open race record set by Eliud Kipchoge now stands at 2:01:39, with Kenenisa Bekele just a second or so behind. Kipchoge did run a sub-2 hour marathon while paced by a contingent of world-class runners. So we know that under the right conditions it can be done.

These marks were set by the most talented and hard-working runners in all of human history. The world’s top women are now crushing records once thought unapproachable by the female gender. As described on Olympics.com,  “Letesenbet Gidey has crushed the women’s half-marathon world record in her debut in the event on Sunday (24 October) as she raced to an amazing 1:02:52 in Valencia. Helped by male pace-makers, the Tokyo 2020 10,000m bronze medalist meant business right from the start in her first-ever half-marathon race.” Brigid Koskei now holds the women’s world marathon record in 2:14:04, set in Chicago in 2019.

The men’s 10K record on the track is 26:11, a mark set by Joshua Cheptegei of Uganda. For women, the world track 10,000-metre record is held by Almaz Ayana of Ethiopia in 29:17.45 to win gold at the 2016 Rio Olympics on 12 August 2016. The world records for the 10K road distance are 26:24 minutes for men (Rhonex Kipruto, 2020) and 29:43 minutes for women (Joyciline Jepkosgei, 2017).

Against these records, my goal of breaking 32:00 for the first time in the late fall of 1982 seems a bit trifle. But it mattered greatly to me then because just like running a first sub-5:00 or sub-4:30 or sub 4:20 mile, it indicated progress.

At the end of October, I scheduled a series of races and started with an October 31 race in Philly. The distance was an odd 8.4 miles, but that made a great test of managing pace. I ran a solid 44:36 after coming through the five-mile mark in the low 25s, then hung on for a 5:10-per-mile average. That was a good sign.

But then, trouble hit. During lunch the next day at my job in downtown Philly, I was walking next to a building when a spray of Windex or some other cleaner from a window washer caught me in the side of the face. It shot up my nose and I lurched sideways with a dizzy spell. For the rest of the day, I experienced vertigo, and couldn’t get to sleep. “Wide awake at 11:15 tonight,” I wrote. In actuality, I’d probably developed some sort of ear infection brought on by a series of colds throughout the fall. The reaction to the Windex incident may or may not have been coincidental. In any case, I went to bed the next night at 9:00 and slept through to six a.m. the next morning. Clearly, I needed the rest.

Racing at the zoo

On November 7, I signed up for a race at the Philadelphia zoo. My confidence was mixed due to the issue with the ear infection, so I wondered if it was a stretch to race at all. But I also knew that I was making good running progress according to my race the week before. My goal at the zoo race was to break the sub-32:00 barrier for the first time.

My journal report was satisfying: “31:58 10 km. Ran with leaders first 2.0. Winner was 30:54. Let a guy go at 4.2. Didn’t kick. Afraid I was gonna puke or something. Good race though. Considering health and state of mind during week.”

That was that. Despite the self-criticism, I was actually ecstatic to have finally broken the 32:00 barrier. It felt like I was nearing the status of some sort of “sub-elite” runner. According to the Liquori book, the elite runner barrier for 10K was 31:00, or five-minutes per mile. And so, the next barrier would be a sub-31:00 10k, a pace under 5:00 per mile for the distance. First, I’d need to run a sub-5:00 race for four miles, then five. That’s typically how such progressions take place.

I was just about as fast as the world’s top women runners at the time. International stars such as Grete Waitz and Mary Decker were busy trying to break the same barriers. To my reasoning, it was no shameful thing to be running as fast as the world’s top women. But these days, women are running times that I never came close to achieving. Even my friend Tom Burridge, who once held the American half-marathon record at 1:04, would be almost a half-mile behind the likes of Letesenbet Gidey at 1:02.

The point here is that it is a noble measure to set goals for yourself, whatever level you hope to achieve. There’s also lifelong value in that. As that distance ace Marty Liquori once said about racing your hardest and doing your best at running (and I paraphrase), “You’ll never feel the need to prove yourself at the family picnic.”

Posted in 10K, 13.1, aging, aging is not for the weak of heart, Christopher Cudworth, competition, mental health, race pace, racing peak, running, training, training for a marathon | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

50 Years of Running: Muscleheads and kryptonite

Always on the lookout for another fitness opportunity, I wandered into a weightlifting club about two blocks from my apartment. I’d heard of the place from a co-worker that had just joined the firm. We rode the train in together some days. He insisted that I come by and check out the place.

Stepping inside the door, I was greeted by a wall of free weights and a line of large gentlemen shifting around like a herd of dinosaurs as they pumped iron. There wasn’t a guy under 200 lbs. in the room. At the time, I weighed 140 soaking wet. “Hey bud,” the large dude at the counter greeted me. “What can I help you with?”

I snapped out of my stare and replied, “Probably nothing,” and walked back out the door. There was no way I was going to join that gym.

Musclehead

I should have known what that gym was about from the guy that recommended it. He was a recent graduate of a big-time football school in Maryland or somewhere. That was obvious from his size, especially his neck, approximately twice the size of mine in circumference. His shoulders and chest were also huge. That added up to an embarrassing inconvenience for my meaty new friend.

The first day we rode the train together, we made small talk for a few stops when he finally turned to me and said, “Hey, can you help me with my collar? I can’t reach it.” I stared at him for a moment, realizing he was serious. His arms and shoulders were so big, and his neck so thick, that he could not reach his collar with his hands. I reached over and flipped his collar down, careful at the same time not to touch his skin. That felt awkward.

He waited a few minutes and shifted around in his seat. “How about the tie?” he asked. Even I was astounded at that moment, thinking, “How does this guy survive daily life?”

I tied the tie around my neck to get it right. Then I lifted it over my head and pulled it over his prodigious noggin. I pushed the knot into position, gave it a shove and he was all set. “Thanks, dude,” he muttered. Then it was time to get off the train. We gathered up our stuff and walked into the office together.

A few days later on the train we repeated the routine. Then again a few days after that. I didn’t mind, but it made me want to ask some questions. “Did you mean to get this big?” I inquired.

“Oh yeah, dude. I want to get even bigger.”

When asked how he planned to do that, my musclebound friend told me, “Well, steroids help.”

He went to to describe how that worked. The guys at the gym that I’d visited took turns injecting steroids into each other’s buttocks. He said the needles were pretty big, so they had to help each other out.

I glanced at my train companion and saw the familiar sheen of sweat on his face. His complexion was dotted with red skin irruptions. He reminded me of a co-worker back in Chicago who adopted an all-meat diet. Her goal was to lose weight, but her hair and skin got so oily she seemed to have been spattered by a greasy pan. It was not attractive, and she smelled too.

Kryptonite

Their respective obsessions with muscle and weight loss made me wonder at my own form of madness; this habit of running miles on end, year after year. To prove what? Something to myself, but also to others? My running only intensified when other challenges in life weighed me down. Every time I experienced some hit to my self-esteem in one part of life, I’d dig into the running all over again. “I’ll show them…” my brain would say. That need to prove myself all the time was my kryptonite.

Was it healthy or unhealthy? All my battles with colds and illnesses suggested the latter was the case. Yet there were definitely benefits on the mental and spiritual side as well. Running helped me cope with a native anxiety and anger management as well. The same could be said about my drive to compete, and sometimes win. I liked that part of running, and the running boom at the time was fueling that interest.

Roid rage

As the weeks wore on, my steroid buddy grew more insistent about his morning collar routine and tying his tie. Rather than a request, it became a command. “Hey, fix my collar,” he blurted one morning.

When it got to that point, I decided to start taking an earlier train. It seemed impossible that he could get up any earlier. He looked flustered and haggard enough at that early hour. But for me, it was always easy to get up early in the morning. It was a simple thing to pull on whatever layers of clothes I needed to cover my body. I was no fashion maven, yet I was as skinny as a supermodel. On some nights, bathed in the light of the dance clubs near my house, I imagined myself a clone of David Bowie. I’d become the Thin White Duke of my own existence.

One of those nights, I wooed a tiny girl home to my apartment. We’d danced together and won the Twist contest that night. She was excited to find someone that could keep up with her. Though she was my age, she weighed under 100 lbs for sure. She was built like a bird, with tiny bones and a butt and pelvis to match. We messed around a little and the thought went through my head, “I don’t know how this girl could ever bear a child.” Plus she was a Catholic girl, and her defenses were strong.

During that stage of existence, my whole life seemed like an experiment in extremes. I was being strong in so many respects, yet like my childhood hero Superman, I knew my kryptonite. It was not just the need to prove myself, it was also the fear of being alone. While I was in love with a woman back home, I was living a secret life far away from her. I’ll grant that any woman reading this might deem me nothing more than a typical 20-something male musclehead. Or better yet, a knucklehead. But sometimes the only way to learn what’s inside your brain is to bang your head against a wall until it hurts enough to make you stop.

I wasn’t done banging away quite yet. Far from it. The mentality of an endurance athlete would not let me quit that easily, or compromise my selfish pride. As cyclists and runners sometimes say, “It never gets easier, you just go harder.”

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50 Years of Running: The Villanova Factor

A page from my high school running scrapbook prominently featuring Villanova’s Marty Liquori in hero pose.

Adjusting to life in the Philly suburbs took some doing. With rare exception, I took the train downtown because driving into the city was a manic experiment in age-old expressways and traffic backups right and left. The main route into the city required driving on the Schuykill Expressway, a multi-lane accident waiting to happen. The entrance ramps to the road were so short it was like being shot down the ramp of a pinball machine. You had to hope there was no one in the right lane when you roared down the incline trying to gain enough speed to match the pace of traffic. Sometimes you just hit the gas and merged like a Roller Derby contestant. I never had an accident on the road the locals branded the Sure Kill Expressway, but there were enough close calls to deter me from making it a regular practice to commute by car.

By comparison, taking the train was safe and secure, and it was quite a nice ride from Paoli into Philly. When I first moved to town, the commuter trains were operated by Conrail. Their conductors were classy guys, professional and courteous. The trains were typically packed, but boarding out in Paoli meant there were plenty of available seats. Yet one night on the train from downtown, we jammed in like cattle thanks to an engine problem that cut down the number of trains that evening. I wound up cheek to cheek with a woman of perhaps forty years old. I admired the fine lines around her eyes, and perfect brows. She looked lovely in her plain white blouse, and I wrote in my journal. “Exchanged eyes with a crinkled-eye, lace bra’d woman on the train. She seemed to like me. Did I come on like a clam? When will I meet these women twice? Get it right the first time, that’s the main thing.”

Yes, I was constantly on the make yet good at beating myself up at that age. Everything was so new. Events were happening so fast and coming at me from so all directions. It was all I could do to make sense of things in the moment.

A map showing how Paoli sat to Villanova.

The one thing I absorbed from all those train rides was a realization that the town of Villanova and the University of the same name sat right on the main line. I’d grown up watching Villanova basketball with my father and brothers on a tiny black and white TV screen. Once I became a runner, I watched as many world class runners emerged from that school. Marty Liquori and Don Paige, Sydnee Maree and Marcus O’Sullivan. I loved the look of the famously simple Villanova white singlet and deep blue shorts. It screamed track and field all on its own. I determined that I should get over and run on the Villanova track, if that was possible. To my surprise, that opportunity came sooner than expected. “We’re going to do a track workout over at Villanova,” one of the Runner’s Edge guys called to tell me one evening. “Wanna join us?”

“Hell, yeah!” I replied.

My training to that point was a mixture of long road runs and fartlek. To test my fitness, I competed in a race and on October 10 I wrote, “Raced a.m. 26:03 on a hilly course. 5:10 pace. 21:08 four mile. Felt Good. Relaxed. Winner 24:32. 1:30 away.”

That next Wednesday, I drove over to Villanova and ran a session with six other guys. We planned a session of 6 X 880 in 2:18 -2:20, but I was so excited I led my two intervals in 2:17 and 2:16.

While warming up, we watched a TV crew interviewing Don Paige, the world-class Villanova half-miler. In 1980, he’d planned to lead the US distance squad, but the team didn’t go to the Olympics that year. Through the running grapevine we heard that he’d recently done an insane workout or five or six half miles at 1:55 or faster. Seeing him on the track in that classic Villanova uniform was a bit intimidating. Yet I still wanted to look fast in any case, so that Paige or any other world-class Villanovans that showed up wouldn’t think we were trash runners.

Business at hand

On that next Tuesday, we returned to the Villanova track for another 6 X 880 workout. This time we hammered a bit harder. The set included: 2:16 X 3. Three 2:15s and one in 2:14 before we backed off and ran the last one at a saner pace of 2:18.

That workout felt great, but it was harder than I knew in the moment. I was gassed two days later, but still went out for an hour run. “60:00. Ugly tired running. “No zip. Tired. Thinking about race. Went to be early.”

I wisely took the next day off and did not race that weekend.

Marty Liquori’s Guide for the Elite Runner

Taking my own advice on backing off was hard, but I’d begun training according to the principles mapped out in a book titled Marty Liquori’s Guide to the Elite Runner. Published on January 1, 1980, the book emphasizes that real commitment to running is not an easy thing.

He was clear about one thing in particular, a concept he calls “The Day After the Day Lag Rule.” That means the real fatigue of a hard workout does not hit you until 48 hours later. It was a lesson I struggled to learn and kept making the mistake of doing too much intensity so close together. That’s one of the ways I made myself sick all the time. The partying didn’t help either.

But the thrill of running on the Villanova track where some of my running heroes earned their reputations was a calling to go fast. While I knew that I’d likely never become a world-class runner, it still felt like there was business to finish in my running life. I was strongly motivated to improve, to be the best runner I could be, even if I was a sub-elite journeyman in the grand running scheme. I still wanted to find out how good I could become.

To do that, I strongly embraced the practices laid out in Marty Liquori’s book. I was also learning from the Runner’s Edge guys how to balance levels of training to avoid getting hurt, sick, or burned out. That was still something of a running practicum, and I kept making mistakes.

The Mink inside

In fact, it was partly my fault that we’d run so hard on those intervals over at Villanova. Something in me never wanted to back off. My nickname growing up was The Mink for having competitive instincts so strong and an anger so close to the surface of my being that it flared whenever I was challenged at anything in life. It would be years before I figured out the source of that spitfire and flying fur within my soul, but I would eventually come to understand myself better than I did as a young man in my early twenties. At the age of 24, the only thing I knew how to do was keep pushing ahead.

Ultimately, I was surprised to learn that the Latin word Villanova means “new town.” My life history saw me making strides in a series of villanovas, as I moved to new towns many times. It was the Villanova Factor that played a big role in my personal development and finally, finally a degree of maturity. No matter how difficult things seem at the time, life often turns out for the best, villanovas and all.

Posted in aging, aging is not for the weak of heart, race pace, racing peak, running, we run and ride | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

50 Years of Running: Hilarity on the move

As any runner knows, it is conversations that help make the miles go by in training. The ribbing and joking, the racing tales and discussions about dating, and more. These are the graces that get you through hours on the road.

I think back to all those miles run with teammates in high school and college, and it was the conversations among us that built strong bonds. That kinship was vital to progress on many fronts. It developed lifelong friendships, for one thing. It also created memories, some of which are associated with unexpected events…

Like the time our Luther College team came around the corner on a country road to find a teammate that had run ahead hanging by his hands from a guardrail with his butt out over ditch. At the precise moment we spotted him, he let loose with a spray of diarrhea that was backlit by the sun. We all nearly crashed into each other laughing at the sight. He earned himself the nickname Dumpy that day.

Even if you don’t know the people you’re running with, there are moments when unforgettable things take place. So it was, that on a calm, clear fall day in Paoli, during an 18-mile training run with the Runner’s Edge club, that I witnessed one of the strangest, yet funniest things I’ve ever seen on a run.

We’d been on the roads for quite a few miles when we cut through a set of woods along the way. There were horse trails through the undergrowth, and moving along in single file, we all kept our eyes on the winding path below our feet. Suddenly, the group in front split and we found our lead runner Peter Crooke standing still and looking down at the ground. Now, from my perspective as the new guy in town, and after only a few weeks of knowing him, I already had great respect for Peter. His endurance and speed were remarkable. That fact was borne by his college success at Providence. He continued his racing prowess on the roads.

Peter Crooke, at left, was a leader of the Runner’s Edge club.

So I wondered what would make Peter want to stop in the middle of a run. The group gathered around him wondering the same thing. He pointed at a hole in the ground and said, “My shoe’s down there.”

“What?” someone inquired. They peeked down the hole. Sure enough. Pete’s brand new Nike shoe was stuck deep down in a slowly shrinking crevasse. He’d stepped into a wet spot in the Pennsylvania clay, and his entire lower leg splurched down into the muck. I peered down into the hole. I could see the back end of the shoe, but not much else. Eager to help, and always the nature guy, I shoved my hand down the hole and gave the shoe a tug. Then a harder tug. It wouldn’t budge. That show was going nowhere. Pete tried again, yanking and pulling but it refused to come out.

I walked away at that point because I found the scene too funny. I didn’t want to offend anyone or make them think I didn’t care about Pete’s shoe, and it wasn’t all that funny to Peter. Sure, he could get another set of shoes given that his family ran a running shop. But it was also the principle of the thing. Who the hell heard of losing a running shoe a foot deep into the mud? He stood there with an incredulous expression. Who could blame him?

Pete did get the shoe out at last, but it was filled with oozy mud. I seem to remember him considering whether to finish the run in socks or not. We had a long way to go, so he pulled the gooey Nike back on his foot and we proceeded.

In love with the absurd

During the rest of the run, I kept chuckling at the strange incident. So much of life was serious at that point. it felt good to find something absurd to laugh about. Perhaps I was laughing at the absurdity of my own situation, feeling so far away from home and trying to make things work the only way I knew how. Running into whatever joy I could find.

The guys on the Runner’s Edge team were really great. I valued their company and didn’t want to screw it up somehow. No one wants to be that odd dude that people try to avoid every run because the conversation is weird. I’ve known a few people like that over the years. Socially awkward. Trying too hard. Or just plain idiots. Have I been any or all of those at times? To be honest, likely so.

My long line of interests qualifies as a bit odd to some. From my longtime love of birds and nature to being an artist and writer willing to quote existentialism on the run (the irreversibility of time…for example) there are times when I’ve brought up subjects only to be met by avoidance or muted silence. Then the conversation moves on. I drift to the back of the group and recover my confidence. I’ve also been known to blurt put an ID on a hawk I’ve just seen or identify the call of a singing warbler or other songbird. Years ago before birding earned public acceptance, I generated many mocking comments from that habit.

The Odd Bird in the flock

I’ve always been an odd bird on the run.

So, I was cautious at times to avoid being seen as the odd bird in the group. But I’m not sure it always worked. I’ve always been something of a counterculture guy, especially on the macho Bro front, where the only acceptable talk was about sports, or women, or making sport of women.

Fortunately, the guys in the Runner’s Edge group were not like that. Instead, they were largely friendly and fun. But also smart and serious.

Passing the time

That’s what made a long run we did in the middle of winter so fun. The plan called for a three-hour training run at an easy pace. We took off at a sane rate. Everyone was relaxed and joking around as we cruised along. Then a fine rain started to fall. It turned into a drenching rain.But we kept on running and everyone felt good.

To pass the time we started a game in which everyone took a turn naming a city or place starting with the last letter of the previous players’ word. The game would go around like that until we reached a guy from a Philly background, and he was simply not quick on the draw. He could not seem to come up with names no matter how hard he tried. After a couple rounds, we all got laughing at how long it took him to put his answer together. We threw hints at him to no avail. The longer we traveled on the run, the funnier it got. I got to laughing so hard it hurt to keep on running at some points. He’d exclaim and complain that there were no cities or places that started with the last letter of the word before. A couple times I think we just skipped his turn and moved on. And that was funny too.

We weren’t trying to be cruel. It just wasn’t his schtick. But truth be told, he seemed to operate in a bit of a narrow sphere. He’d already entertained us that morning with a story about how he was approached by some kind of “movie producer” in downtown Philly. The guy walked up to him after one of his runs as he stood around in shorts. “Yeah, he wants me to appear in some movie he’s making,” our runner friend insisted. Someone asked, “Well, what kind of movie is it?”

The more questions we asked about his potential film career, the more it became evident that the producer looked him up and down and decided that he might make an ideal porn actor. He had the equipment, you might say. That set us off laughing as hard as hell. He made it all the funnier by his naïve denial that the film producer was probably a porn director. And so, between the porn story and the halting word game, the three-hour run went by quite nicely.

Rainy day blues

“Oil and Water” acrylic painting by Christopher Cudworth, 2018.

Unfortunately, the rain didn’t let up. The farther we ran, the stronger it got. Our body heat saved us even though it was barely 45 degrees outside. To our good fortune, none of us went hypothermic. Thank goodness for that.

Back at the apartment that Saturday afternoon, I took a hot shower, ate a huge meal of waffles and eggs, and crawled under my sheets to keep warm. I woke up six hours later. It was dark outside. I lay there wondering where the hell I was. The sleep was so deep that I could have woken up in a different dimension in time, for all I knew.

That’s often how I wake up from an afternoon nap. Sometimes a depressed sensation controls my mind for a number of minutes. I have to forcibly think positive thoughts to ward off a feeling of dread. That day all I had to do was think about the laughs we’d had out there on the run. No matter how much suffering takes place along the way, it is still the good times that tend to replace the bad. And when the bad times are intense, or we puke or collapse, shit our pants or feel the bear on our backs, we gather around and laugh about that later, or for years to come.

That’s what I’ve always loved about running. It helps you deal with the crap in life. And what’s not to love about that? 

Posted in 10K, 13.1, anxiety, college, competition, love, mental health, nature, race pace, racing peak, running, running shoes | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

50 Years of Running: Caught between two worlds

The Main LIne ran from Philly through Ardmore, Bryn Mawr and Wayne before Paoli. That was my daily commute

Living in Paoli was a compromise. Sitting at the end of the Main Line commuter route, it marked the outer limits of the Philadelphia suburbs. I only found the place through a realtor kind enough to show me around the area. On hearing that I worked for the investment firm Van Kampen Merritt, she likely assumed I’d have money to burn, and possibly there was a house to sell. In reality, I was a mostly broke young country boy looking for a cheap place to live while figuring out what might happen with the job in downtown Philly.

That was my style if you could call it that. I mostly wanted to live where I could go running with some degree of freedom. I didn’t know Philadelphia well enough to know where to find an apartment. And anyway, I was not much of a city kid. My time in Chicago as an Admissions counselor was immersive in some ways, but it was completely abstract in other ways, because I didn’t live in the city. Commuting from Geneva far out in the suburbs didn’t provide much insight into city life either. I was a man between two worlds.

Know thyself

The house where I lived at 18 Paoli Pike.

That’s why I chose to live in the third story of a house on Paoli Avenue right near the city’s downtown. I rented from a couple looking to make money toward their mortgage and the place offered just enough room for a single man.

There was no time for two-a-day workouts with the commute downtown and back. So I concentrated all my running in the evening, plus long workouts on the weekends. In between, I found time to do some painting as well. And also chased women when I could.

That restlessness was the result of an undiagnosed case of ADHD, partnered with anxiety, that sometimes led to depression. There, I’ve said it. No real surprise to write it these days. But back then, it manifested itself in the perpetual pursuit of stimulation.

Made for each other

Running suits the ADHD/Anxiety personality. It dissipates excess energy, for one thing. Fatigue is the friend of the restless. It’s also activity of concentrated focus. Hyper-focus is a trait of ADHD. That’s why I could also paint or write for hours on end, losing myself in the process.

Yet the other factor involved in this young man’s life was desire, sexual and otherwise. Like the main character in the Saul Bellow novel Henderson the Rain King, I ran around hearing “I Want, I Want…” thoughts in my head that never seemed to be satisfied. Hence, the peripatetic pursuit of female attention and a keen desire for approval.

That need for approval emanated from even deeper sources. My sometimes demanding father and a set of competitive brothers set this sensitive boy on a path of perpetual pursuit of favor. All that was complicated by a pursuant lack of self-esteem. The wicked cycle.

Different worlds

None of this kept me from achieving success at times. I’d long learned how to be a leader. Sports helped quite a bit at that. As a baseball pitcher, I was fearless on the mound and typically only lost a game or two per season. Then in high school, thanks to my father’s guidance, I entered the world of running and tried to compete with everyone I could. The fact that one doesn’t always succeed is instructional on its own and develops important leadership skills as well.

Transferring those leadership skills to the world of work isn’t always easy. Down in the city, working amongst a group of relative strangers, and a gang of women to boot, I still felt a bit intimidated and a little lost. The head of the marketing group was no paragon of leadership. His academic style and appearance breathed East Coast effete, and I wondered if he held the real respect of the big bosses out in Philly. Even his name, which I shall not repeat in full, smacked of urban privilege. I tried to like him, and managed well most of the time. But then his somewhat flirtatious approach with the Assistant Vice President made me suspicious. I didn’t fully trust him, in other words.

Measuring up

Plus, he ran like a geek. During the fall, our company signed up for a corporate Olympics of some sort, and the first time I saw him run, it made me queasy. He was a massive overstrider, and to me, that indicated an undiagnosed naivete and an element of cluelessness. His feet struck so far back on his heels that it looked like he was putting on the brakes with every footfall. Blame me for being judgmental if you like, but I saw symbolism in that.

The other people in the workplace, mostly women, were all nice enough. But the whole enterprise felt a bit forced. Much of the main team in my department sat at a set of desks all facing the same direction, much like a game show or a Supreme Court photo opp. I faced the wall with my inclined art table and a cabinet with hanging files. Every time I turned around, I faced this crew of women sitting at their desks.

A British woman I’ll call J was large-breasted and seldom wore a bra beneath her mostly black wardrobe, so you can imagine, I was readily distracted by that. Next to her sat D, a pure Philly girl with big hair, an earthy figure, and a rich accent. Then came B, the prettiest girl in the office. She was gorgeous without even trying, blessed with beautiful hair and a perfect complexion, crystalline green eyes and a set of naturally pouty lips. Filling out the side was a true Philly guy named Lenny, with whom I crafted a cautious relationship because he was the sole other guy my age in the office. We had little in common, but we made it work. Lenny was the down-to-earth city guy and I was the down-to-earth country guy. We even went to a Phillies game one afternoon. Bro time.

The restless age

Given my ADHD, sitting at a desk eight hours a day was never my favorite thing to do. That meant the runs at night were critical to my sanity. I was pretty much still a country boy trying to make life work in the city. I dressed the best way that I could afford, but I failed many days, and overhead the women talking, “He’s sort of homely, but he seems to get dates.”

They were actually correct about that. On my worst days, I was a homely guy. I still had a dark front tooth caused by a baseball accident years before. My hair situation was changing as I balded. When I let the side mane get too long, it tended toward a thick and scraggly look. My thin runner’s face looked haggard on my tired days, and there were plenty. And yet, I still didn’t let any of that slow me down. Whatever drove me, drove me hard.

Dealing with duress

That had its consequences because a naturally anxious person only gets more anxious under fatigue or duress. During long staff meetings, I’d sometimes take to gnawing on my fingernails. One bitten nail snapped so loud that it resonated through the room. Recalling my elder girlfriend’s advice that the best way to deal with mistakes is in the recovery, I laughed it off and said, “Hangnail, sorry.”

I finally started to settle into the office routine, and relationships formed. The Assistant VP and I started a running joke because we’d each begun to notice that the large digital clock on the building across the street often read either 11:11 or 1:11 during our meetings. We’d wait for that moment to arrive and give each other a glance and a thumbs up. Other people bought into the routine, and it formed a nice bond between us all.

So I didn’t hate the place or the people. I was just a guy caught between two worlds. The one I imagined and the one in which I actually lived. The only way to bridge that gap, I reasoned, was to keep on running.

Posted in adhd, aging, anxiety, Christopher Cudworth, Depression, running | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment