A cup of coffee is a main training staple for many a runner and rider

Those of you who like (or love) coffee seem to be a happy bunch. You can be seen emerging from your local Starbucks or Caribou or local coffee bistro clutching with two hands a cup of whatever favorite flavor you might like as you wander into the world armed with two things: satisfaction and caffeine.

Those of us who do not like the taste of coffee in any form can only pretend we know what a “vanilla spiced latte with caramel” coffee really tastes like. And yes, I made that up, so if it doesn’t really exist, I’m so sorry because, it sounds like something the coffee wizards would make, at least.

Convergent chocolution

Us un-coffee drinkers are sometimes known to imitate the habits of coffee drinkers. For example, there is an amazing drink they serve at a local bistro called Graham’s 318 Geneva, IL. called Frozen Hot Chocolate. It is basically dark chocolate whipped together with a touch of cream and ice (I think) and it is damned good. It stokes my creativity and thought processes like nothing else I’ve ever tasted. That stuff is probably the closest thing I can drink to coffee in its richness of flavor. Laughably, it’s probably full of chocolatized caffeine, so I deceive myself. But it doesn’t harm me the way coffee does (see next section below) so I can drink it. If you are anywhere near Geneva, IL in your lifetime, you must visit Graham’s, for their really great coffee drinks, and their fine sense of humor and chocolate they serve everywhere and every day.

Chocolate and coffee aren’t that far apart in many ways. They both come from different forms of beans. There are also as many varieties and mixes of chocolate as there are of coffee. There is even a certain amount of natural caffeine in chocolate, I am told, although I cannot speak to how much because the label on most chocolate drinks and foods do not list it as an ingredient. You don’t see chocolates that say “uncaffeinated” the way you see labels on tea and coffee. Why this is I do not know. Perhaps the amount of caffeine in chocolate compared to coffee is negligible.

Talk to the prostate, and other parts

Talking to your prostate gland usually will not help. It can be rather sensitive to the subject of caffeine and other stimulants.

I do know that real caffeine has long had a profound and adverse affect on me. It shuts down my prostate gland, a fact learned back in my late 20s when my family physician suggested cutting out caffeine as a way to limit the potential effects of BPE (Benign Prostate Enlargement). It turns out that some men and women are sensitive enough to the effects of caffeine that their soft body tissues react adversely, swelling or getting inflamed when caffeine is introduced into the blood stream.

Ladies too, had best beware of the inner workings of caffeine.

Some women are more prone to yeast infections as a result,  when soft tissues “down there” are beset by stimulants such as caffeine. Then their internal maps look like the illustration shown here, and they deservedly get a little cranky, shall we say.

Cold Turkey

So to deal with the prostate thing years ago, I quit drinking caffeinated beverages of any kind, which for me meant sodas. I drank just 1 caffeinated Coca-Cola a day and it was enough to cause tons of problems. That was more than 20 years ago and I haven’t looked back. Now I will drink No Caffeine Cokes on occasion with a dash of Maker’s Mark whiskey, which frankly seems to cancel out the caffeine in a pinch, an experiment I have performed as several weddings and a couple home-mixed drinks. Alcohol > Caffeine. Remember that formula. And that’s the most math I’ve done in years.

Fortunately I always hated the taste of coffee (it makes me gag) so that was not a vice that needed to be given up.

It took two weeks of living with light migraine-like headaches to wean the body off caffeine. Then, like magic, my body and brain no longer craved it. I was clean. No more caffeine.

I also quit taking antihistamine cold medicines designed to shrink the sinuses. The doctor warned me those would drive my prostate crazy as well. And when I was driving 60 miles a day back and forth to work and developed a chronic case of hemorrhoids, I learned that medicines like Preparation H do no favors to the prostate because they are specifically designed to shrink the soft tissue “down there” as a means to reduce swelling with hemorrhoids. But the ironic result is that the same medicine that can shrink your anus can inflame your prostate. Don’t ask me why. I haven’t had a discussion with either of those body parts to find out why.

No butts about it

For one, your anus simply isn’t very talkative, except during gassy episodes. Then you pretty much don’t want to hear what it has to say, much less deal with the results, since the conversation usually stinks anyway.

And your prostate just sits there mute, boggy and stupid like a security guard at an all-night parking garage, barely able to budge on its chair to let the next guest through the little gate. So don’t expect your prostate to get all philosophical on the subject of caffeine. It has a simple job to do. Let loose some sexual fluid when asked, and open the door to the urethra when demanded. That’s it. It doesn’t like to think about much else.

A serious case of Numb Nuts

Of course every cyclist learns the importance of a good-fitting saddle on the bike, lest the entire prostate or vaginal zone go numb for hours or even days at a time. And more than one dehydrated runner has experienced the dreaded urinary tract contraction that feels like a hot electric wire connected between the navel and exit points. No fun when you can’t even stand up straight.

These are not caffeine-related problems, per se. But they can be exacerbated by too much caffeine in the diet, especially in absence of other intelligent hydration strategies.

I also learned the negative aspects of what caffeine can produce in terms of side stitches, being once addicted to a brand of iced tea from the Turkey Hill convenient store chain in Southeastern Pennsylvania. The level of caffeine in that stuff was so high that my diaphragm nearly exploded inside my chest a couple times. Not a good race prep, that tea. Or any caffeinated or carbonated beverage as far as I’m concerned.

The 1-Step Program–and at least 5 benefits

So in order to avoid the need for conversing with those body parts I have fastidiously avoided caffeine and other stimulants, and have been living healthier and happier as a result.

The benefits of avoiding caffeine are interesting:

1. No post-caffeine crash when the coffee wears off

2. No dependence on caffeine to kick the body and mind into gear

3. No expenditure of $5.00 per day to get a caffeine “fix”

4. Generally less soda ingestion, avoiding high fructose corn syrup, a noted fattener

5. No waiting in long lines for coffee or clutching cups as if it were communion wine

The benefits of avoiding caffeine when running or riding are just as potent: 

1. No reliance on caffeine as a pre-race or pre-training ritual

2. No psychological dependence on caffeine as a mental or physical stimulant

3. No sitting around in coffee bars in sweaty cycling or running gear drinking coffee, which is gross.

Caffeine is for wussies

So while the rest of the world entertains itself with the notion that caffeine is somehow essential to daily function and enhances running and riding with its stimulative properties, I say bunk to all that. Caffeine is for wussies.

Chocolate, on the other hand, is an absolutely indispensable dietary additive, along with red wine and dark beers.

Each has their own ritual or vice

I know, it is unkind to criticize the vices of others while gloating over your own. But that’s how all endurance athletes are, in some way, addicted to their own rituals and vices. It’s part of the dark side of both sports that we all have our secret fuels, some good for us, other not so much good.

So I do not castigate the coffee drinkers of the world. Do what you like.

But if you want to debate my personal intolerance for caffeine, please take it up with my prostate and sphincter, although I’ll warn you. They’re just a little uptight about the subject.

The rest of me is cool with whatever you do. Just don’t ask me to sit around Starbucks waiting for your order to be filled. The prostate tends to get a little impatient after a long ride.