Welcome to the Presidential debate hosted by the WTF Network.
Tonight’s debate will feature our four leading candidates are all known for their respective sports. We have a Runner, A Cyclist, a Swimmer and a Triathlete at their respective podiums for tonight’s discussion. Let’s start with the first question.
Runner: Thank you for the question. It’s pretty apparent that the biggest problem we face in this country is the lack of equality in terrain. People in Florida are absolutely starving for hills, while folks in West Virginia can hardly step out the door without walking into a mountain or falling down to their death. It’s time we Americans leveled the playing field for all.
WTF: Thank you for that perspective. Cyclist, would you care to weigh in on that subject?
Cyclist: With all respect to our Marathoner here, the real problem isn’t unlevel terrain, it’s lack of adequate road shoulders. People can climb anywhere they need to go if you give them sufficient room and safety to do so. The Cycling community thinks there should be at least two feet of paved margin outside the white line on every road in America.
WTF: And you, Swimmer. What’s your solution for a better America?
Swimmer: Did you ever see that movie starring Burt Lancaster, called The Swimmer? We think that’s a wonderful model for how Americans can come to appreciate the uniqueness of the American experience. If people spent more time in pools and tried different pools, they would meet more types of people, and that would solve a lot of our social differences, and bring about a better understanding of ourselves, as well.
WTF: Finally, let’s go to our Triathlete. How would you propose to make America a better place?
Triathlete: Well, all these ideas are wonderful. But it’s obvious that the triathlon encompasses all their ideas in one neat package, and more. I think it was author John Irving in his book Hotel New Hampshire that said, “You’ve got to get obsessed and stay obsessed” if you’re going to have success in life and contribute in some way to this great nation. No one gets more obsessed than triathletes, and we’re proud of that fact. Did I tell you already we like obsession? We’re a little obsessed with obsession. That’s the name of our ticket.
WTF: Thanks to all our candidates tonight for sharing their views of how to make America and the world a better place. Your opinions are all unique in scope and vision. Best of luck in the upcoming primary election, and may you all have luck in running for office.
Runner: Why Thank You. Totally agree with that sentiment. About running I mean.
Swimmer: Um, I’ll be swimming, thank you.
Cyclist: Let me go on record that running is for wusses! Cycling is the only way to know real pain, and I can share that with you. Obey the Rules!
Triathlete: Of course you’re all falling short of real vision here. I’m not only obsessed with running, but cycling and swimming as well. Americans deserve a right to all three! They’re kind of an obsession with me. Did I tell you that? I’m obsessed with America too.
WTF: Well, thanks to all our candidates, and good night.