By Christopher Cudworth

There is a serious problem facing many of you out there who run and ride. You might not think about it on a daily basis, but you may be at risk of running or riding off the edge of the world.

No matter where you live or how far you run and ride. The edge of the world is near. It’s true.

The illustration in this Flat Earth Society logo explains it all.

The continents of the world are clearly all perched on a disc-like surface. That means you could be riding or running along happily and suddenly plunge off the edge of the world. You could be riding or running along innocently in Chicago, Illinois or Perth, Australia and plunge off the edge of the world before you know it.

How we know the idea of a round earth is all a ruse

It turns out we’ve all been tricked. Those pictures of earth from space that make it look like the earth is round? Turns out it’s all an elaborate hoax, a lens effect, as it were, perpetrated to fool us all into thinking we can circumnavigate the globe.

See, the Flat Earth Society has it all figured out. And then some. It turns out that when sailors years ago noticed ships receding over the horizon they were not disappearing over the curvature of the earth. The astute folks at the Flat Earth Society have proven that the world is full of tricks designed to make us think the earth is round, when in fact it is flat. Take a look at this scientific explanation for why horizon lights disappear and you’ll be convinced once and for all the earth is flat. Then you’ll want to take steps to protect yourself.

What do to if you are about to fall off the earth

Now that we all know the earth is truly flat, it is important to arm ourselves with strategies in case we experience the edge of the world.

Rule #1: Doh! Try to brake or stop before you fall off

If you should take a turn at the end of your block and find yourself flying about to fly off the edge of the world, the first thing to do is to try to put on the brakes if you are riding, or skid to a stop if you are running. I know, these measures seem simple, but they often work quite well and are known to prevent a sudden fall into the abyss.

Rule #2: Grab hold of something if you can.

It seems simple to say, but even at the edge of the world there are plenty of opportunities to save yourself if you suddenly encounter the edge. Try to snag a tree limb or a bunch of grass in your hands. Or ditch your bike and fall to the ground so you can grab a lamppost, a fence pole or anything lodged in in the ground. Better to lose your $5000 Trek Madone than your life. These humble steps may seem desperate, but they just might save your life.

Rule #3: If you live in the United States, your odds are better to survive a near fall off the edge of the earth. Just grab a fat person and hang on

If you are in a crowd or near other people at the edge of the world, look for the heaviest person in the bunch. This should not be difficult in the United States, where obesity rates have shot off the charts, with nearly 2 out of 3 people chronically overweight. That means your odds are pretty good of finding someone heavy enough to hang onto in an Edge of the World Emergency (EWE). Of course, we are at even great risk here in the States if obesity rates continue to rise. That could tip the disc of the earth in such a way that all 300 million Americans go sliding off into space. What a sight that would be!

Rule #4: Flap your arms. Really. It might work. 

It may be depressing at first to realize you’ve actually fallen off the edge of the Flat Earth while running and riding.  But it can never hurt to flap your arms and try to fly. The rules of gravity might be a little different off the edge of the world, or the air might be a little heavier and thicker. If so, please write us here at We Run and Ride. We like to keep our readers informed on such facts.

Science is stupid. Better to trust your instincts. 

See, there are tons of things we’ve gotten wrong in science over the years. According to the experts at the Flat Earth Society, boring old scientists simply make up stuff about a round earth in order to entertain themselves, Take whale songs, for instance. It turns out that whales like to talk to each other by sending songs through the waters of the ocean. But that could never happen if the world was round, you see. The Flat Earth society informs us that whale songs cannot possibly curve or the sound would be distorted or lost, proving that the earth is, indeed, quite flat. The oceans are nothing more than a big bathtub. But it sure makes the literal story of Noah and the Ark and a worldwide flood seem a little more plausible, doesn’t it? We might be onto something here…

But don’t let that slow you down!

Rule #4: What the hell, pick up speed and see how far you can soar off the edge of the world

We only live once, the saying goes. So why hesitate at the chance to find out how really far you can fly once you reach the edge of the world. Instead of slowing down, build up a good rate of speed, running or riding as fast as you can and just fly off the world’s edge. Who knows, you might make the first unassisted moon landing. But aim well, because it’s obvious the moon is nothing more than a giant coin shape in the ether, flat as a pancake like the earth, but twine as shiny.

Rule #5: Before you go running or riding, check your GPS

Global Positioning Satellites must have this all figured out. Because if you can use your iPhone or your Garmin to find the Walmart at the corner of Randall Road and Fabyan Parkway in Batavia, Illinois in time for Black Friday, surely you can find the edge of the world and avoid it. Not that hard. Of course, looking at these People of Walmart photos might make you think the End of the World is coming, but that’s a different subject.

We all know this image is incorrect. The earth is actually flat.

Ooops. That photo from the End of the World site shows a round earth. Apologies to our Flat Earth Friends.

Practical steps to avoid the edge of the world 

Thank God I bought my college-aged daughter that iPhone this year. She goes to school on the other side of Illinois, and that might just be the edge of the world for all I know.

Here are a just a few more suggestions on how to avoid running or riding off the edge of the Flat Earth.

Wear running shoes with a deep tread

Those last few feet can be slippery. Better to sacrifice a little weight for better traction.

Practice your cyclocross and steeplechase moves

If you can bunny hop your bike over barriers and basically learn to turn around in mid-air when need be, those can be handy skills when it comes to stopping at the edge of the world. Runners should participate in steeplechase events whenever possible. At least if you run off the edge of the world, you’ll got in good form and full style. Who knows, you might even negotiate the giant water barrier on the other side.

Never run or ride alone. And watch for disappearing runners or riders. 

And don’t take the lead. Remember, if you are in the lead of a running or riding group, it is far more likely you’ll be the first person to plunge off into eternity. So rather than take that risk, it is better to suck wheel if you are a cyclist, or hide in the group if you are a running. If suddenly you see heads disappearing in front of you, hit the ground hard and fast. Sure, a few more of your running and riding mates may tumble over you on their way to oblivion, but it’s far better than going there yourself.

That’s it. That’s about all the help we can offer you here at We Run and Ride on how to handle the reality of a Flat Earth. Again, if you want to know more, it might be helpful to find a really conservative church in the south, or hang around the back rooms of stodgy old libraries in downtown London. That way you might meet up with members of the Flat Earth Society. You could join them and get in on all the secrets of how and why the earth was formed flat. And what to do about it if you hit the edge.

If all else fails, read this Shel Silverstein book, Where the Sidewalk Ends. It likely has more answers than the Flat Earth Society. And it’s just as funny.