Yesterday during a 1500 meter session in the pool, not all at once, mind you, but in a series of intervals of 100 and 200 meters, I decided that what I need to make myself a faster, stronger swimmer is a really cool nickname.

With my closely cropped gray hair and propensity for having fun with bubbles, the term Silver Bullet came to mind. But that would imply that I’m already fast. So that’s not an option.

So I tried out Señor Speedo, hoping to pick up on some Latin pizzazz on the way from wall to wall. But that was too close to Senior Speedo. No one wants to see that.

While staring at the bottom of the pool, I imagined myself as a dolphin or porpoise swimming through tropical seas. The Determined Dolphin? Nah. My pink skin doesn’t make work. I look a lot more like a dildo in the water than a dolphin.

So I struggled to make the whole swimmer nickname thing work. Lacking a good nickname, I pretended to be Michael Phelps, but all I could think about when that came into my head was his expression under that hoodie in the waiting room during the Olympics. He doesn’t seem to like the look of that big pink dildo above his head.

So I’ll just stick with being me in the water. Or maybe with capital letters.

Me In The Water. Or Me, In The Water.  Maybe…Me In, The Water.

You get the picture. The nickname isn’t going to do it. Only me in the water will make me faster and stronger. But being chased by a dolphin carrying a big pink dildo might not hurt either.