At We Run and Ride, we confess to a certain lust for new bikes. When the annual Bike Porn issues from Bicycling or Velo magazines, we pore through the reviews wondering what it would really be like to own one of those $10,000 bikes with electronic shifters and a seat or stem that perfectly fits your sphincter.
Well, because of our highly respected position as a thought leader in the world of running and riding, We Run and Ride has been given special access to the developmental side of the bike industry. Leading bike manufacturers agreed to give us the inside scoop on models being planned for the coming year. We think you’ll find these bikes fascinating. Perhaps you’ll even run out and buy one. Which is what Bike Porn is ultimately all about.
So here we go. The bikes you’ve dreamed about but may never see on the market.
Specialized S-Werks BigMac
This tasty bike comes loaded with extra ingredients and features. The geometry is double-decker and it comes with Special Sauce to lubricate the drive train. Riders will appreciate the new S-Works Lean Meat Wheelset and complimentary disc brakes, which fit together like a well-made hamburger. For those concerned about weight-to-speed ratio, the low-cal frame weighs in at only 15 lbs. “Lettuce give you a better ride,” says Specialized about the bike they call the BigMac. “It’s fast food for the future of cycling.”
Long known for their stalwart line of racing bikes, Cannondale has gone a different route with the Cannondale Fodder. “We learned from racing bikes on the Tour de France that mechanicals and breakdowns are inevitable. So we decided to go with a bike composed entirely of cellulose and disposable parts.” Think stiff and light, yet disposable. “All our Cannondale Fodder bikes are completely recyclable,” the company rep explained. “That’s why we feature those little green highlights in strategic places. They say, ‘We’re the Green bike company.’ And when one of these babies breaks down in the Tour this year––and we know it will––we’ll simply throw it in the ditch where it will decompose in a period of three to four days. We think the Cannondale Fodder is the bike of the future. No additional carbon has been used or created during its manufacture. It’s the Un-Carbon bike. Best of all, the bike itself retails for only $9.95 plus shipping, which costs $4996.00”
The Italian bike industry is known for its focus on finely tuned components and bike frames built to minute requirements. That is why Pinarello has introduced its newest bike called the Compensator. Specifically designed for men with small penises, the Compensator comes with a vibrating seat to keep the male organ engorged and at its maximum state of cycling-short-bulge while riding. This ensures that riders who get lucky and win the bunch sprint will appear sufficiently well-endowed to justify their sudden surge to manhood. Available in both road and tri-bike aero models, the Compensator is an equal opportunity deployer, and is available in alternative framesets including the Compensator PM (for Premature Ejaculator) and PC (Post Coitus) so that riders are can be prepared to compensate in all conditions. Also available with thicker, longer aero bars for those truly trying to compensate for their feared penile deficiencies.
This women’s only bike frame is targeted for release in 2016. Smartly styled in black and red, the bike comes with a complimentary leather kit with matching accents. The riding crop costs extra, which we think is a marketing mistake, but the DominaTRI-X has plenty to offer even without use of the crop. The special DominaTRI-X tire tread is marked with an “X” pattern so that competitors can leave their mark as they ride over their rivals. TheDominaTRI-X also comes with a webcam-mounted handlebar and specially designed Garmin Humpfest satellite sensitive recorder. Sister, this is a sweet bike. But not too sweet.
Hidden in the contract Trek had once held with deposed cyclist Lance Armstrong was a provision that Trek would launch a bike named after the convicted doper. That’s why the Trek Lancer is an being released next year. Apparently Armstrong figured his EPO-lifestyle would catch on sometime in the future, and he worked with Trek engineers to build a bike to his doping specs. The Lancer is thus built to accommodate dopers who don’t want to stop for blood bags or shots of PEDs in their ass cheeks. All the medicines you need can be stashed in the frame of the Lancer, which opens up like an advent calender. There are seven compartments––one for each of Lance’s Tour de France victories––for storing the drugs or PEDs of your choice. If you don’t do drugs, the Lancer is still great for packing PowerBars, goo and Clif Bars for easy access.
The future of bike affordability has finally arrived with the Scott Free. This bike costs nothing to ride out of the store. With zero percent financing, the Scott Free models itself after the auto industry where incentives drive the sale. Normally retailing at $6995, the Scott Free accepts trade-ins before you walk out the door with the bike and 72 months of financing at a zero percent interest rate. That’s only $97 a month over the years you own the bike. If you crash the thing, Scott will replace your bike if you return the parts in the box in which you purchased it. Assembly not included.
This bike is so good it has been known to cause a condition known as Bikegasm. The Orbea Oriface is so smooth and so sexy to ride, cyclists have been seen making the “O” face when reaching speeds over 20 mph. And with the Oriface perched firmly under your taint, it’s so easy to do. Just let road vibration do the rest. Also know that the pedaling in the Oriface is assisted by an internal motor (shhhhh, no one will know) that makes 25 or 35 mph even easier. It’s true whether you’re an amateur or a pro! Sure, the members of your group ride will wonder what’s up as you ride along going “OOOO” with your lips. But don’t let on. The Oriface is sold only to riders willing to sign a 10-year Non-Disclosure Agreement.
One of the worst problems while riding is the need to take make a Bowel Movement. The BMC BM2 solves that issue for men and women alike. The seat comes outfitted with BMC Trap Door. When you wear the complimentary and rider-specific fitted BMC BM2Kit, you can open the shorts and dispose of either urine or feces through the advanced Vaccum Seat Stem. The red highlights on the seat stem and seat illustrate the plumbing points, so you really can’t miss. Waste matter is simply evacuated out the Rear Derailleur. The red highlights on the front of the bike are simply to distract fellow riders from what is going on in the back.
Nothing hurts the Lady or Man Parts worse than an unintential tumble onto the top tube. That’s why the Schwinng Vaginuhhh was invented way back in the 1950s to prevent women from crunching their crotch on male-specific bikes. However this bike is updated for the future by offering the same frame style to men, transgender riders and all points in between. Schwinn has always been the People’s Bike Company. Why draw lines where they don’t need to be?
We all despise hills, false flats and bad roads. The Ridley Riddler was created specifically to solve all those problems on the road. This bike has special flywheel gearing and on-ride adjustable position to create a downhill ride no matter what the real terrain throws at you in terms of elevation. And for those pothole-infested, crumbling, tarsnake-ridden stretches of road where forgiveness is not offered, nor accepted, the Ridley Riddler offers the first set of Gumby and Pokey Wheels. They’re made of flexible Kevlar rubber, can mold themselves to the topography and even help you ride up and over the back of offending motorized vehicles. If you grew up in the mind-bending 60s or simply think you’d like to be a good little Gumby on wheels, this is the bike for you.
That’s it! We hope you’re as excited about the bikes as we are at We Run and Ride.