This morning my iPhone nearly ran out of battery life. As I lay in bed tapping the screen to look at the posts of Friends on Facebook the red indictor slipped from 12% to 7% and down to 3%. And I thought: “Is it a sin to let this thing die?”
There are many such pending sins waiting for our consideration in the modern world. While not categorized or canonized like most sins in the Bible, they still seem to count as some sort of sin in this #modernproblems world.
So let’s start our own bible of Not So Original Sins.
#1. Wearing running shorts over tights.
This trend began back in the early 1980s when decent running tights were first being perfected.
Somehow, someone decided that running tights were too revealing or showed too much of the human figure in terms of fat balance versus muscle balance. Thus began the sin of wearing running shorts over running tights. This, my friends, is definitely a sin. One must never, ever do this. And to wear this outfit at a race is in effect a mortal sin that could get you banned from the running community forever. At least by those who actually care about the distinction between performance versus appearance.
I know. People do wear shorts over tights every day and at every race. But people also commit adultery, steal and cheat and lie every day. They also break many of the Commandments laid down in the Book of Leviticus, including the claim that you should not mix fabrics in your clothes. Which simply proves the Bible is actually a confused mess that people don’t know how to read.
But that does not mean you should go around wearing shorts over your tights. We’ve advanced in our understanding in many ways the last 2000 years. This is one of them.
The reason wearing shorts over tights is a sin is because tights were invented to keep you warm and also make it possible to run faster in cold weather by eliminating baggy, wind-catching clothing. Those of us who ran well before tights were invented were thrilled at this technological advance.
Before that, we actually tried wearing nylons under our shorts during really cold and snowy weather. We also tried long underwear.chafed in spots you don’t want to think about trying to keep warm during two national cross country meets held in November. We paid the dues so you could enjoy your running.
So you can thank us for doing the suffering that led to the invention of tights. So to see someone throwing shorts over tights is a basic affront to Runners With History because it defeats the original purpose of their invention. Call me a running snob if you like. I was there. I Chafed For You.
However, a word of caution to those who try to avoid the sin of running shorts over running tights. It is an even graver sin to wear too little under your tights, especially men who refuse to package themselves accordingly, whose nuts and member become the center of too much attention. Good fitting shorts and good fitting tights provide ample measure of profile management. Learn the art of concealing your junk or dispense with tights altogether. You don’t deserve to wear them. And camel toe…that’s an entirely different discussion. Talk amongst yourselves ladies, because men generally do not argue about that.
This is a sin because it endangers all other riders on the road, including yourself. Having one hand on your bars and trying to text or take photos one-handed equals divided balance and divided attention. Of course if you’ve never crashed and want some really great video, go right ahead, Your next text will read like this…
On a great riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiixiadpupaidfap
And a photo of your feet up in the sky is always interesting on Facebook.
#3. Drinking Cucumber Gatorade for any reason
If you did not know this flavor of Gatorade exists, I hesitate to even tell you. Because perhaps you actually like the taste of cucumber, and you might run out and buy such a flavor. But you must not, for it is a sin of large proportions. By accident two summers ago I purchased two bottles of this stuff and put it in my water bottles. Thinking it was a benign flavor like Calm Lemon or something like that, I took a large sip while in the middle of a hard bike ride and spewed the cucumber-tasted Gatorade all over the road. Cucumber is not an acceptable flavor for a Sports Drink. You might just as well invent a flavor called Ass and drink that.
Not only did the Cucumber Gatorade result in my not drinking anything the rest of the ride, which was a risk at best, it also clung by smell to my two best water bottles. Forever. I was forced to throw them into the big green bin titled Recycling.
In 1000 years some three-eared archeologist with a research grant from the University of Phoenix will dig up those water bottles, take one sniff of the inside and toss them aside. “These could not have come from an advanced culture,” he or she will say. “They smell like Ass.”
#4. Driving less than five miles to meet up for a bike ride
One of the meeting places for group rides is 7.5 miles from my house. If I ride up there and ride 50 miles with my buddies and then ride back home it adds 15 miles to the ride. Yes, the entire purpose of our riding is to add miles in some respects. Yet those 50-milers can get a bit tough at times and it is all I can do to haul my sorry arse around at the pace my fellow torture artists prescribe. So sometimes I drive up there rather than ride. Because I’m lazy.
And that’s a bit of a sin, I’ll admit. No one is perfect. But if that meeting point were under five miles away there would be no excuse to ride there. I know, what is an additional five miles of riding if you already are riding sixty or so miles? Well, some of this is subjective. You have to make a cutoff point somewhere, and the official point of demarcation shall thus be five miles. On a regular basis I meet my buddies now at a halfway point so that I don’t have to ride the extra 15 miles while they fall out of bed and ride a mile to the starting point. Because you know, every sin involves a compromise. And that goes for avoiding sins as well.
#5. Wearing Cycling Kits In Public or your Best Running Shoes to the gym
It’s a fact that while riding the bike, cycling clothes are perfectly functional attire. But you shall never, and I repeat Never Ever, wear such attire to the gym. Don’t do it. Nothing looks more geeky than walking around in cycling attire when you’re not riding. So don’t wear it into Target unless you are legitimately returning from a ride (see Sin number four) because it also rather violates Part B of Sin #1.
People don’t want to look at your ass in bike shorts. Nor your bulging package if you have one. And if you are not a woman with a booty fit for Public Exposure, it’s not the best idea to traipse around Target or––God Forbid––Walmart in your bike shorts. This does great damage to the image of cyclists, which means people will see us as mere flabby humans when they encounter us on the road on our bikes. We must never let the illusion that we’re doing something important and valuable be breached. Thus you shall not appear in public wearing your bike kit except in situations where you are moving about with other groups of cyclists on foot. Then there is safety in numbers because people will naturally avert their eyes from such scenes.
But speaking of the health club, you must also never wear your best running shoes to the gym. Why waste precious cushioning in your shoes by pushing your feet against the leg press platform? That’s like begging for a biomechanical breakdown. Why would you do that? You typoically spend more than $100 on shoes. Why wear them out stomping around the club and squishing them flat doing squats. Makes no sense.
So there you have it, 5 Not So Original Sins and #modernproblems to avoid if you run and ride. And that wasn’t so bad was it? Now you know how to live a pure, moral and clean life without embarrassing yourself or causing the world unneeded angst.
And by the way, this is all just in fun. This is not meant to be taken seriously. Last Friday I posted a completely made-up article about a bunch of anal-retentive laws passed by Republicans and people thought I was serious. I wasn’t. Those weren’t real laws. But it does show you that the asshats in the Republic Party these days are so out of touch with reality that people can no longer tell truth from the morbid and strange fictions these idiots create in their laws.
We Run and Ride will continue pointing out the nature of these sins in one way or the other. But you don’t have to believe or abide by everything you read.