It’s finally happened. The people who love to claim that government is too intrusive in our lives have turned their attention to the world of running and riding to prevent everyday citizens from running afoul of religious laws designed to protect them from sinful behavior in the whole universe, cosmos-y eternal thing we live in.
“We simply don’t believe being gay is good for anyone in the long run,” Congressman Dickie Chokes (R-Va.) said in a written statement. “And we take that statement literally. So we have written a bill that says gay people cannot participate in the sport of running in any way.”
In a separate section of the same bill, renowned Catholic Congressman Amy Builter (R-MN) claims, “Our bill will also ban men specifically from running too far, because it has been proven that such activities can lower the sperm count, and that is against the Will of God, because every sperm is sacred.”
In a special clause of Bill 69 introduced in the House of Representatives, bicycling more than 15 minutes will also be banned for any man deemed to be of reproductive age. “We have heard testimony from a number or men that have admitted to getting a numb penis
from riding too long on their bikes,” said Miranda Folsky (R-Ark). “If a man cannot perform for his wife when she is desireth to have a child, it should be against the law to pressure one’s scrotal area with such an activity.”
The new law has provisions that apply to women as well. “There are still concerns among some good conservative families that a woman’s uterus can fall right out if they run too far. We think it’s better to go back to the good old days and be safe rather than run the risk of having to scrape up uterine material off the streets of our good cities.”
The Bike Seat Provision in the bill calls for women who ride to wear a special pad between their bike seat and their person. “We’re concerned that women in the aero position could be receiving untoward stimulation to the clitoral region,” said a male Congressman who preferred not to be named (but sources say his name was Merle).
As for transgender people, multiple Congressman expressed concern about not knowing whether competitors are male or female by the style of their clothing. “I mean, it just makes common sense not to let people like that out on the street,” said Jason Hegerberderson (R-ND). “What rack will they shop at Sports Authority? Does a transgender person deserve the right to go running around town wearing men’s or
women’s clothes if they have both sets of something? It’s just not right. I know Nike and Under Armor would stand by me on this issue. There is men’s athletic wear and there is women’s athletic wear. The two should not be mixed. It says so right in the Bible. In Leviticus I think it was. Or Deuteronomy. One of those long names.”
Bill 69 is expected to pass unanimously among the Republican House members. A few Democrats may join in the vote as well. But Congresswoman Sarah Makharah (D-NY) said of the bill, “The only thing they left out is repealing Obamacare. This is the first bill they’ve introduced in four years that hasn’t had that in it. Frankly we’re all a bit stunned on this side of the aisle.
The lone dissenter on the Republican aisle may be Congressman Will E. Mays, whose original career as a lounge singer at a Washington D.C. club called The Switch Hitter calls into question whether his alter ego Billy Mayes, a drag persona who earned more than $100,000 a year singing both parts of the duets in major ballads, would cross the aisle to side with the Democrats.
“It’s my philosophy that all these problems can be worked out in the long run,” said Congressman Mays/Mayes. “Some of my colleagues may not agree with me, but screw them. I’ve been a runner and cyclist for 30 years and it has never kept me from performing any of my duties in this life.”