By Christopher Cudworth
As we all bear witness to the phenomenon called twerking so famously demonstrated by the precociously sexual Miley Cyrus in a performance at the Video Music Awards (VMAs), it is important for all of us to consider the role of twerking in our own lives, and how we might incorporate twerking into our own fitness programs.
Because if your fitness program isn’t twerking, you will never be completely satisfied with the results.
Twerking as a fitness component
For example, if you do not build twerking into your workouts, you may not lose the weight you seek to shed. We all know twerking really is the answer to fast weight loss. Otherwise all those girls on the Internet would not be doing it. Why else would anyone really want to twerk otherwise? It’s all about hard bodies and losing the Freshman 15. We all know that.
Twerking as a weight loss tool
It’s obvious by the frenetic movement in a full-on twerk that the participant is trying to shed weight of one kind or another. What else can explain the low squat and butt jiggles that are a critical part of twerking?
Perhaps the real hope is that some of that butt Jello we see in the videos will eventually shake loose and slip down past the thighs into the ankle area where it can be safely removed with an Xacto blade and a fork. That’s how girls these days stay so slim. It really is.
Of course if you are training for a marathon (26.2)and want to build strength for the last 6 miles of a race, twerking is a great new training method to build into your workout program.
If you stop to twerk every 5 miles during your 20-mile training runs, you will loosen up the lower back, stretch your hamstrings and test whether your bowels are sufficiently clear for the remaining miles you have to run. All those physical checkpoints are vital components in running a successful marathon.
If you’re training for a half marathon (13.1) you should stop to twerk every 3 miles instead of every 5. When you do stop for a twerking session during a training run for a half-marathon, it is always best to choose a very public street corner where people can gawk in admiration at your dedication to serious training, and shoot Instagrams and Vine videos of your artful stretching routine. Then your twerking can go viral and you might actually be offered a free entry fee to your next half marathon, which will save you something in the neighborhood of $50 to $100, which is what it typically costs now just to toe the line.
It just so happens that $50 to $100 is also the standard fee for professional twerking, otherwise known as lap dancing. Every new fitness routine evolves from somewhere.
Twerk for a stretch
Gone are the days of standing still and putting your toe(s) up on a light post to stretch out your calf muscles. Twerking takes over where those boring old stretching routines once ruled.
Now you can grab the light pole with one hand like a wanton stripper and twerk to your heart’s delight knowing that deep down inside the real runner in you is about to emerge. Plus, you’ll be stretching your glutes, your hammies and your calf muscles all at once.
Even the likes of running gurus such as George Sheehan, Hal Higdon, Amby Burfoot and the late Jim Fixx can agree that twerking is far superior to conventional stretching. There’s nothing more compelling than a middle aged man in a pair of long running shorts giving it a real twerk in public. You are almost guaranteed an audience of admirers asking, “Are you alright? Can we call an ambulance?”
Benefits of twerking for men
Men who haven’t tried twerking yet or feel a bit shy about their ability to twerk really should give it a try. Twerking has been known to loosen up long dormant erectile passages and improve pelvic circulation, reducing the need for Viagra or Cialis and the 4-hour erections that sometimes result from use of those products.
Of course might just as well invented a new sport in which sporty-looking men seek to complete a marathon before their pill-induced 4-hour erection goes away.
Point the way to the finish line, boys! We know where you can hang the medal if you finish in time. Your lady friends should be impressed. Now, twerk to show them you mean business!
Twerking as a competition sport
Next we might make twerking an Olympic sport. The gymnasts almost do it already with all that fanny popping, and Lord knows the female pole vaulters and sprinters are already dressed for a twerking competition in track and field. Synchronized swimming is one long circle twerk and those race walkers are doing something that looks like twerking, even if it really isn’t.
Once twerking catches hold as a competitive sport it will likely fan out into the everyday world, invading health clubs and other sports where twerking will add variety and spice to the everyday pursuit of twerking out.
Because hey, in the end this ‘fitness thing?’ It’s all about getting attention anyway. Twerking is just one more layer of attention-getting fitness prowess. Consider how good Myley Cyrus looked in her skin-tight outfit! Even a Disney girl can use a good twerkout
In fact it’s time to take your own twerkouts to the health club, preferably one of those medically-based health clubs where everyone is conservative and paying $80.00 a month for the same machines you get at a $20 a month health club. When you show up and twerk your way through your Pilates class people are going to stop and stare, asking “Who are you, and why aren’t you teaching this class?”
You can just smile and say, “I know. I’m a bit of a twerkaholic. But this club is a little behind the times if you ask me.”
But not if you belong to XSport. Twerking fits right in with that name.
It twerks wonders for cyclists
When it comes to twerking––and you know you will sooner or later, even if just in private to see how it feels–– we must also consider the looming relationship between twerking and cycling, which is a perfect sport in which to incorporate a twerk or two.
After all, putting in 100 miles on a bike can make your lower back pretty tight. That’s when the time is right to lean forward on your handlebars, raise your rump up about 6 inches and twerk away the back tension. That numb feeling will instantly disappear and your crotch area will get some much needed airtime.
The Twerk de France
Once it takes hold as a cycling fad, twerking should catch on in Europe and soon enough, the biggest of all bike races, the Twerk de France.
Ah, we can hear Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwin now….“There’s Chris Froome in the yellow jersey, led by his loyal crew from Team Sky. Oh look, Paul! The whole Sky team is up out of their saddles twerking out the fatigue from the first 5 hours of riding. Now they can do the climb up Mont Ventoux without worry about compressing their prostates or holding their bladders. That should be an advantage on the last few kilometers of the climb. The other riders will have to pee and have numb nuts. But not Team Sky. It looks like they’re twerking their way to victory, and their team manager is hanging out the team car urging them on…”
Drafting the twerk
Imagine how you’ll impress the folks on your Saturday group ride when you twerk your way to the front dressed in your favorite pro team kit, lifting your butt off the saddle like a baboon on the savanna.
Of course the draft you create could cause turbulence, so it is best to warn all other riders in advance. That means it is always important to use proper cycling etiquette when you are about to twerk off the front to give a verbal command so that your fellow riders can adjust and perhaps even respond with their own twerk, the better to pass along the rolling waves of air generated by a high speed twerk.
Triathletes are not allowed to draft off other riders in the bike component, but there are definitely times when twerking can help in triathlons of any distance.
Twerking in the pool, lake or ocean can provide additional propulsion along with a good crawl stroke and leg kick. Just be prepared when twerking through the water that race officials may mistake your new swim technique for a desperate attempt to stay alive or an epileptic fit.
Twerking sharks, gators and Southerners
Also be advised that during ocean swims, twerking may attract sharks because the motion is quite similar to a fish in distress.
When competing in triathlons in southern sections of the United States, be aware that twerking can create sound waves much like the mating calls of alligators.If you do decide to twerk in the Southern Swamps, you should also be prepared to be offered your own reality show, because all it takes to seen as a cable star down south is acting stupid and heaving yourself in an out of muddy water.
We Run and Ride, and Twerk
I’ll admit that despite these recommendations to try twerking as you run, ride or swim, I have not tried it myself. Part of that has to do with the fact that I just tried my first yoga session, where twerking is definitely not a welcome activity, especially by middle-aged men in a room full of women. Yoga made me sweat and strain, then ache and pain, but in the long run, it seems a lot more studied and beneficial than twerking ever well be. These fads come and go, but until twerking has its day in the sun, it seemed wise to let you know what it means to be on the forefront of modern training methods.
Because when it comes to fame, recognition and fitness, it’s bound to work for those who twerk. Just ask Myley Cyrus. She knows.