The popular imagination of America seems to have a preoccupation with the unsophisticated side of life. That is, America is in love with hillbillies.
One glance at the mega-hit Here Comes Honey Boo should be enough to convince us all that America is obsessed with hillbillies. Always has been. Always will be. America is the Hayseed Nation of the World.
But in case you’re not convinced that a snot-nosed fat girl braggin’ on her family’s backwoods roots is a reflection of the real America, you can always take an off-road tour of popular cable TV shows featuring a litany of backwoods boobs showing off their gun-shootin’, critter killin’, gold-minin’, tree timberin’, moonshinin’ or just plain eatin’ and drinkin’ skills. They even make contests out of all that.
And that’s ‘Merica. In a nutshell.
Hell, yes, America is full of freakin’ hillbillies. So rather than fight ‘em, let’s join ‘em. I hereby declare myself the first President of the American Hillbilly Run’Ride ‘Sociation. (AHRRS).
Here are the rules of hillbilly runnin’ and ridin’ if you’re fixin’ to join AHRRS. Note: These rules are just as good as the Velominati, and you don’t even have to kiss anyone’s cycling or running ass to follow them…
- Ya done better run barefoot, and don’t call it minimalism or we’ll shootcha for tryin’ to be some sort of intellect’yall.
- No wearing support garments of any kind. No inner shorts nor jog bras. Commando is God’s way of showing whatcha got. If yer not shakin’ or swinging while yer runnin’ and ridin’, ya ain’t getting the full effect.
- No carryin’ any food of any kind with ya’s on a run or ride. There’s plenty of food on the side of the highway if ya knows where to look and how to eat it raw. Better fer ya anyway. High in protein, ‘specially if you don’t spit out the flies. If yer thirsty, swallow yer own spit.
- The only ‘cepptable reason to stop a run or a ride other than death is to have sex in a ditch with anyone in the following categories; 1) trainin’ partners 2) 1st cousins, 3) lonely lookin’ sheep or cows 4) immediate siblings 5) Yerself.
- You may also always relieve yourself as needed, without warning. That’s called a Nature Break. Just ask Mr. Fancy Pants, Phil Liggett.
- Fartin’, burpin’, farmer-snottin’ and bleedin’ from the nipples are all ‘ceptable Hillbilly forms of releasing body fluids on the go.
- Smokin’ and drinkin’ are perfectly ‘ceptable forms of fuel during a run or ride. Cigarettes open up the lungs and alcohol has lots of carbs. Next question.
- Keep track of miles by carvin’ notches in yer arm with a jackknife. If you run outta space on one arm, use anuther. If you run out of arms, use a leg or two. If you want to keep track of miles for life, get a tattoo. Or lots of ’em. That’s a hillbilly thing gone mainstream, ya know.
- If’n you encounter Bigfoot on a run or ride, be sure to invite the Big Feller or Missus along. And Please let’em know people are looking fer um.
- The first honorary members of the ‘Sociation of Hillbilly Runners are to be Jimmy Peanut Farmer Carter, Bill Bubba Clinton and George Wingnut Bush. All these hillbilly presidents ran for office and then ran while in office. Hell, GWB even rode his Hillbilly Bike out to cut brush on his ranch. How Hillbilly can you get? But remember, even though Carter and Clinton were from Georgia and Arkansas, all Hillbilly runners must vote Republican. That’s not just a Hillbilly tradition. It’s in our jeans.
- The only lube of any kind to be used on yer bodies while trainin’ or racin’ is your own spit or sweat. If you get itchy or it rubs somewhere, jes’ spit or sweat some more and rub it in a little. Works just fine. In a pinch, go ahead and use mud.
- No respectable hillbilly cyclist stops at stop signs, yields at yield signs or obeys any road signs of any kind. Jes’ keep pedaling. This is true for hillbillies who live in the city as well. Flip ’em the bird and be sure to pack heat in the event someone follows ya.
- Annual dues to the AHRRS can be paid if bar-b-cue meat, road kill, moonshine whiskey or foolin’ around behind the woodshed.
There you have it, the bylaws and code of ethics for the American Hillbilly Run’Ride ‘Sociation. (AHRRS). Hope you’ll consider joinin’ soon.