What if bikes were named for what really happens out there?

I know. I’ve been so serious lately. Well, life is serious. Except when it isn’t.

So, I got a bit of inspiration for silliness from a recent public relations campaign in Britain. The naming rights to a research vessel were submitted to the public for contributions. In truly British fashion, the public jumped on board with naming the vessel Boaty McBoatface.


As reported on gosportimes.com: 

Britain’s National Environment Research Council, sponsored an online poll in April to name the $290 million research ship, which will study issues like climate change.

The suggestion RRS Boaty McBoatface, was proposed by James Hand as a joke but ended up receiving almost 90,000 more than the second place contender, RRS Poppy-Mai (named after a toddler with incurable cancer).

The RRS Sir David Attenborough will be constructed at Merseyside shipbuilding yard Cammell Laird, and is due to enter service in 2019.

Okay, that’s just too perfectly British. Save face, for God’s sake. And for that purpose, there is no better man than Sir David Attenborough. Of course his name should be on the research vessel. Attenborough is the face of British science in this world.

But you have to admit that Boaty McBoatface was damned funny. That means there is plenty of room to re-name other modes of transportation, don’t you think?


Specialized VengeLet us consider the realm of Bicycles. For example, my bike is called the Specialized Venge Expert. It is matte black and has a whippet shape to it. As you all know, this blog occasionally features commentary about the concept I call TARSNAKES. And what better name for a road bicycle than the Specialized Tarsnake!  We already have the Specialized Tarmac, which basically means the same sort of thing as tarsnake. It’s the bike for the street, get it?

Then there is the world of triathlon bikes. Which are patently absurb looking all on their own.

Shiv Hot Pink.jpgThe Specialized Shiv is a popular model of triathlon bike. But honestly, there are some colors of that bike that are nearly comical. In those instances, it deserves a name at the level of Boaty McBoatface. The men’s version in hot day-glo pink (above) would be wonderfully re-named as the Specialized Penis Extension. And you know the women’s version has to be named the Specialized Vag Supreme.


Take a look at that bike above. Bikes have become, in many cases, elaborate and even somewhat absurd in appearance. The only thing missing on this model is a toilet below the seat. But give them time. They’ll get there. The Specialized Shitz is not far behind.

Today’s triathlon bikes are quite similar to Rube Goldberg experiments in which cyclists bend themselves into crouched positions and pedal like mad to see if the whole configuration helps them go faster. The funny part is this: There are days when it works. And days when it doesn’t. See? Rube Goldberg lives!

That is not to say that bikes have not improved. The Specialized Shiv is an amazing testimony to a contraption designed to slice through the air. So perhaps we should just be honest and call it the Specialized Break Wind. I’ll fart to that.

We could be similarly honest with names like the Cannondale Contraption, the Trek Traction DVice and the Pinarello Pinnochio. That last one is because everyone knows that when you spend that much on a bike, you’re going to lie like a wooden boy to prove that you’re actually going faster on it.

We could also go the sensitive route by creating bikes specifically used for fundraising purposes. That’s why the Felt 4U would make a compelling public relations vehicle. The bike would have a panel just for stickers of good causes. After all, you could afford to replace one of those Felt logos with an American Cancer Society sticker on a bike like this.

Felt bikes.jpg

But if we got really honest, we’d be naming bikes for what really happens out there. That would mean the BMC Bonk, the Giant JGD (Just Got Dropped) and the Canyon Dynamic DNF.

Would love to hear your take on what bikes might be called. Granted, Bikey McBikeface may already be taken. So you’ll have to be original. Got any suggestions?





About Christopher Cudworth

Christopher Cudworth is a content producer, writer and blogger with more than 25 years’ experience in B2B and B2C marketing, journalism, public relations and social media. Connect with Christopher on Twitter: @genesisfix07 and blogs at werunandride.com, therightkindofpride.com and genesisfix.wordpress.com Online portfolio: http://www.behance.net/christophercudworth
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2 Responses to What if bikes were named for what really happens out there?

  1. bgddyjim says:

    The Specialized Venge DAW (Drop All Whiners). The Tarmac CUATT (C-U at the Top)…

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