By Christopher Cudworth
While I flunked algebra and am no mathematician by any measure, I feel justified in using that 125% figure to cover the 25 lbs. everyone wants to lose to get down to racing weight.
Do the fat math
Because if you say that 100% of us want to lose weight, and everyone loses 25 lbs., then only 75% of us actually wound up as people with weight loss. The other 25% of us is gone somewhere.
You can’t see the weight you lost, because of course it’s lost. That means you can’t find it anywhere on your body. Or anywhere.
Except that fat might actually be washing down the shower drain, into your local river and all the way to the Mighty Mississippi.
And once it gets there it floats all the way past Hannibal, Missouri until it reaches the big Fat Delta at the mouth of the Mississippi River down by New Orleans.
Which may explain why Hurricane Katrina was so bad. The tidal surge that flooded that great city was the result of millions of tons of water cresting over the Big Bar of Fat lurking just offshore. From there the water was essentially rolling downhill off the giant Love Handle of the Mississippi Delta where it flooded New Orleans.
Of course we know that George W. Bush was the President assigned to handling the crisis of Hurricane Katrina. Which is good, because GW was always concerned about cutting the fat out of government. Perhaps he didn’t think ahead to cut all that fat out of the Mississippi Delt in this case. That’ why Katrina was such a problem. Here’s what Bush had to say about that:
“What I intend to do is lead a – to lead an investigation to find out what went right and what went wrong.
And I’ll tell you why. It’s very important for us to understand the relationship between the federal government, the state government and the local government when it comes to a major catastrophe.
And the reason it’s important is, is that we still live in an unsettled world.”
Good Old George. He seemed like a good guy with a little too much fat between his ears, perhaps. If he had started thinking a little harder rather than just spouting off ideological statements about No Child Left Behind, he might have lost some of that fat between his ears and America would have been better off.
American Weight Loss programs
All of America is trying to lose weight these days.
But let’s consider the possible import of all that weight loss.
If you weigh 220 in February and get down to 180 come April, there is forty pounds of fat that suddenly disappeared into the universe. That might explain the planet Jupiter, with its lard-ass size and that weird, twisting bellybutton that seems to be the result of some sort of cosmic cellulite attack.
For all we know the sun might be one giant, churning, burning fat globule from the ass of Satan. He might have had cosmic (not cosmetic) surgery all those millennia ago and the sun is the result. If that’s the case we’re all alive due to the sacrifice made by the devil when he trimmed down his back fat and bubble butt. Fat really is evil, you see.
Third Law of Thermodynamics. And fat.
You’re getting the picture by now. All that fat we run and ride off our bodies has to go somewhere doesn’t it? The Third Law of Thermodynamics states the following: It is impossible for any process, no matter how idealized, to reduce the entropy of a system to its absolute-zero value in a finite number of operations.
That means if you lose fat, it has to go somewhere. It doesn’t just vanish into Dark Matter or clog up the Milky Way. But I have seen some people’s asses that were big enough to stop the Milky Way in its tracks. So we better test that scientific theory.
Fat Science and Fat Magic
We all seem to hate excess fat, and that brings us to a wholly spiritual or emotional dimension in our big, fat equation. Is fat the fifth dimension of the universe? Will scientists at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory someday be discussing Fat Matter as the God Particle?
Sometimes fat almost seems like it has its own mind. It shows up like magic around your middle. Like voodoo it takes over our bodies and makes us pinch and poke ourselves. Then we cover it up the best we can with clothes that are supposed to fit and don’t. It’s like we’re all bad carnival magicians or something.
Not So Excessive
But remember, not all fat is excess, because some fat helps us stay warm and even healthy. When I was training 100 miles a week in the 1980s a Body Fat Tester looked me in the eye and said, “You’re between 1% and 3%. Don’t get caught in the rain. You’ll die.”
But she was wrong. Because I did a 3-hour run in a driving rain at 45 degrees and I did not die from it. We laughed and cursed and swore we’d never do it again. Yet we never quit. I did sleep for 18 straight hours after that. Thank God it was a weekend.
So having fat on my body in my 50s is a little foreign to me. I’m currently at 180 lbs. on a 6’1″ frame. Not fat except for my belly, where the six pack I want is covered by the six packs I drank. Liquid calories are not your friend, people.
I feel some days as if my body is engaged in some sort of Human Tectonics. I’ve collided with another continent of being and now we’re a Pangea of some sort. I’ve been skinny all my life. Fat is still foreign to me.
The Skinny on Fat
Just a few years ago I dipped down to 163 while cycling my ass off in summer. That might happen again this summer or it might not. My companion has threatened me to not get leaner than her. Yet when I met her she was in training for a Half Ironman and to hug her was like stroking the back of a hunting lioness. All sinew and smoothness.
So the goal is to lose some fat fat fat and get fit fit fit this spring and summer.
And if the fat washes off me in the shower I hope it rolls far out to sea before coming to a halt. Perhaps BP can even use my excess fat to plug the next hole in their offshore drilling rig. That would be a good use of that.
Fat for Good. That needs to be our motto.