By Christopher Cudworth

Lactose can make you feel like you’re going to explode. And cows are to blame.

Recently I had an unholy experience with whole milk

It all started because some habits we take for granted, like buying a certain kind of milk at the store.

For years our family has used either 2%, 1% or fat free milk at home.

But while shopping a month ago, I failed to pay attention to the label and brought home whole milk.

What a mistake.

Wholly unholy milk week

For three days my stomach was so painfully engaged trying to digest that whole milk it felt like it was about to explode.

Nuff said.

At first I blamed some other parts of my diet. Even cast an evil eye toward the knockoff sports drinks our company stocks in our freezer.

But by the third day of Whole Milk week it became difficult to operate in a social environment. My stomach was gurgling all the time. It was even necessary on occasion to step outside, if you catch my drift. And I hope you didn’t.

I ran through everything I’d eaten to figure out if food poisoning was the problem.

Milking the situation

And then it hit me: The only thing I’d changed was the milk.

So the next morning I ate waffles instead of cereal. No more Whole Milk. Immediately, the problem went away.

Whether this indicates a lactose intolerance at some level I do not know. The problems don’t arise with 2% milk or under. So the whole milk still sits in my refrigerator. Offered it to the neighbor lady for cooking. No reply. Perhaps whole milk is unholy in some way, and I do not know it.

Sacred cows

In some parts of the world, cows have already taken over and are worshipped like gods.

It’s possible. Cows may be sacred in India, but here in America they probably hate us. We milk them and eat them and turn them into leather baseballs and mitts.

Cows are nothing much more than a cruddy commodity. And I think they’re pissed off enough to seek revenge.

It would not surprise me, therefore, to find out cows have conspired to take us humans down. Could you really blame them?

Cow Rapture

It’s a pretty nifty plan, if you ask me. The effects of that whole milk, if I had continued to drink it, were destined to blow me to bits or turn me into a red mist like I’d just been popped out a space capsule in outer space.

Another couple days and it might have looked like the Rapture itself at my work desk. Poof! Gone in an instant. Wonder what the Left Behind folks would say about that.

Some badass evil cows are coming after you, one glass of whole milk at a time.

But the cows would know better. Cows aren’t as dumb as they look, you see. They’ve been lulling us into using only 2% of our intellect with all that lowfat milk. Then one day you buy whole milk and if you’re not smart enough to back off you blow up like a circus balloon. Phoooom! The cows win. That’s their plan.

Got Milk? You die.

They’re a pretty trick bunch. They’ve even got an advertising campaign in which you see movie stars and other celebrities posing with a glass of milk and asking, “Got Milk?”

But it seems like you never see some of those stars after they’ve done their Got Milk? ads.

That’s because they’ve exploded into nothing from accidentally drinking Whole Milk.

From bright star into dark matter they go. Or else they mutate like this guy into dangerous anti-everything types who fight for the cause of cows, not human beings. So the cows win either way.

The science behind the cow plot

It’s a fact. We’re all a bunch of carbon and bacteria pretending to be animate objects that run and ride happily through life until the right chemical reaction comes along and then Phooom! we’re gone. That’s right: Phoom! Today, tomorrow and yesterday suddenly mix into one.

The cows are just hurrying the process along.

It’s a rather remarkable plan they’ve had cooking for years. So don’t say I did not warn you. Cows may chew their cud like they’re old, dumb farmers but there’s really no such thing as a dumb farmer. They just act that way sometimes so you’ll leave them the hell alone.

Same with cows. And it’s a plot, I tell you. A plot to take over the Whole world. And all it takes is a little fatty milk.

Phooom!