When my daughter was just into junior high, we sat watching together TV when a Viagra commercial appeared on the air, concluding with a warning that users should “seek help” for an erection lasting longer than four hours.

“Four hours!” she burst out laughing. “Oh my God!”

I knew that I didn’t need to explain things to her. Even in the early 90s, the information available to kids let them in on what sex and body parts were all about. So we had a laugh, and went on watching our movie. Yet, I’ve never forgotten her wonder at the idea that men might walk around with a stiffie for hours. Paying for erections does come with a cost.

A momentous occasion

Many of us men have naturally encountered an unexpected hard-on at some point in life. As a college distance runner, I purchased and tried out a pair of brand-new Sub-4 (pun unintentional here) running shorts marketed by miler Steve Scott. My girlfriend happened to be joining me for the run that day, a rare occasion by the way. During that first mile, those silky internal briefs rubbed against my eager appendage and caused a raging hard-on inside the shorts. As we trotted along, I didn’t know whether to mention the condition to my girlfriend. I mean, who knew what she might make of it. Frankly, she was always willing to please when the occasion called for it. I finally laughed and pointed the bulge out to her, and we both had a chuckle. “I can’t help it!” I admitted. “It’s these new shorts!”

We didn’t stop by the side of the road to use that erection, but she did take care of business when we got back to the dorm. That’s something I appreciated about her. She saw sex as both a bond and a commitment. Once, while visiting her at her parents’ house during Christmas break, she sensed sexual tension in me and led me down into their basement for a hand job. I didn’t last long, and at that age, the force of that projectile landed feet away from us on the couch. She quickly cleaned that up, but I was chagrined. That stuff doesn’t come out of anything.

We broke up a year or so later, and she quickly married another man she’d met while we were forced into a long-distance relationship by work. A year after she’d been married, she asked to meet up at a festival in our college town. We drove to our favorite spot and sat down to talk. “I made a mistake,” she told me. “Sex does matter. If you say the word, I’ll divorce him and marry you.”

Her green eyes and shining black hair were still a temptation. But I had also grieved and gotten over her for the most part.

Learning the ropes

Erections are a big part of every young man’s life. I’d had them many times leading up to sixth grade, but didn’t know what they were for until a kid named Murray gathered us boys on the playground in sixth grade and told us, “I learned about this thing called beating off!” he informed us. “You gotta stroke yourself and boom! It’s like magic.” I went home that afternoon, and my life changed in an instant.

My best friend and I once competed to see who could come first, or maybe it was the other way around, who could hold out the longest without losing it. We never touched each other. That didn’t cross our minds, I guess. But after I moved away in 7th grade and returned for a visit that following summer, he asked me if I still masturbated. I admitted that I did.

“Well, I quit,” he told me. I don’t doubt him. I learned that he turned hyper-conservative during high school, and repression of such urges seems to be a big part of the conservative mindset. I’m guessing that if I’d stayed through high school Pennsylvania, we’d probably have parted ways as friends. Years later, I tried rekindling a friendship in adulthood and he wanted little to do with me. When I moved, he told me, “Why does everything I love leave me?” His parent were divorced, you see. As for me, our shared masturbatory adventure must have offended his conservative sensibilities. Erections come with a cost, you see.

Healthy habits

What we’ve learned about erections and health is that frequent ejaculation is a healthful thing in which to partake.

When I experienced a prostate infection during my early thirties, resulting from that enlarged gland, my doctor recommended quitting caffeine and having frequent sex.

“Can I get a prescription for that?” I asked. He laughed and wrote one out. I took it home and showed it to my wife.

“Sure,” she responded a bit cynically. She was not so much a fan of the whole sex thing as I.

However, we did it enough to create a couple of great kids. So there’s that.

Erectile circulation

As I’ve aged, and the urges mellow, I’m grateful to still be functional and “in the flow,” as you might say, as it relates to erectile function. Perhaps that comes from staying active and maintaining a healthy circulation system. There’s evidence that frequent ejaculation can reduce risks of prostate cancer.

You have to get rid of that stuff. Don’t let it sit around inside you for too long. And when people guilt you for jacking off from a religious perspective, throw this bit of practical theology right back at them.

“If Jesus said it’s better to pluck out your eye than lust for another woman, remember that he seldom spoke literally about spiritual matters. He also said he could tear down the temple and rebuild it in three days, and the religious authorities laughed at him saying, “We took years to build this temple, and you can rebuild it in three days?” They didn’t get his message, you see? The rhetorical act meant more than the literal act. So, if you shed off lust by masturbating, that’s equivalent to “cutting out the eye” that causes you to consider adultery or other forms of sin due to sexual urges. So whack it, fellas. It’s good for the body and the soul.”

Running on

I don’t get radical erections from my running shorts any longer. Those days are over. But if I ever were to take Viagra, and had a four hour erection*, it might be quite a practical problem to have. I mean, think of all the things you can do with a four-hour erection!

• You can push elevator buttons and even hold open an elevator door for others!

• You can swim backstroke in a triathlon and pretend you’re a shark!

• You can make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and not have to wash a knife!

• You can put attach your GoPro and capture yourself running in a unique angle!

• You can give directions and point the way for lost strangers!

• You can push in drawers using the front of your drawers.

• You can be a dick in any circumstance and people won’t ever question your sincerity.

• You can finish .01 seconds faster in a marathon.

• You can fill up the split saddle of your bike seat.

• You can take a photo of your erection and insert is subliminally in a Tropicana ad like the one shown here, Look closely at the flow of juice at the lower right. There’s definitely the head and shaft of a dick in there. And what’s she doing with her hand? It’s true. Sex sells. Even if it’s subliminal. I clipped this ad out of Reader’s Digest years ago. Mystery Achievement, so unreallll.

• And oh yes. With a four-hour erection, you can also step up to the booth and using your dick to vote. If Trump will still let you. But then again, he’s a real dick in the nastiest sense, so he’d likely appreciate your efforts.

Yes, a four-hour erection is a pretty handy thing to have. And you don’t have to thank me for all this good advice.

*A persistent erection lasting for four hours or longer is known as priapism. It is a medical emergency that requires prompt medical attention. So, while I joke about it, don’t take it lightly.