Next Thursday afternoon, I’m going to cut into the skin of my left knee, insert a leftover bit of fiber optic cable from the TV downstairs and do arthroscopic surgery on my own knee.

I figure I can cut out the offending piece of torn meniscus in about a half hour and be on my way.

See, I’m getting into the spirit of people who think that depending on our health care system for actual health care is only for pussies and government leeches. That’s why I’m hopping on the “do-it-yourself” bandwagon.

So I’ve watched this creepy video of a meniscus surgery a few times and have learned how to perform meniscus repair surgery. If this geek can do it, so can I. Shouldn’t be a problem from here.

I’ve even got a half bottle of whiskey purchased on vacation to set me up good for surgery. I’ll pour some down my gullet and the other part over the knee to sterilize the area. Then I’ll dig in and fix this meniscus thing myself.

And if that goes well enough, I’ll do an ACL repair as well. See, I stored a chunk of tendon from the leg of lamb we had for Easter Dinner last Sunday. I put it in the freezer so it’s still fresh. And seeing that I’m already a little liberal lamb, there shouldn’t be a problem with tissue rejection.

Documentation

Best of all, I’m going to use my iPhone to make a video of the procedure. Then I’ll send it to Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. He loves self-reliance, you see. There’s nothing more self-reliant than cutting into your own flesh with a dull kitchen knife to prove your devotion to God and Country.

Hopefully, the blood spurting from my veins and arteries won’t spatter the iPhone. I hear those devices don’t run too well if they’re covered in corpuscles and plasma. But don’t worry, I’ve heard Apple is testing a blood-proof smartphone by handing them out during school shootings. Talk about mass marketing.

So I think self-surgery is a bloody good idea! From all indications, it’s the American thing to do. Perhaps I’ll even bleed out Red, White and Blue.