As fans of the Austin Powers series well know, the character Dr. Evil was very fond of his Mini-Me dressed in a little gray matching outfit. Perhaps it had something to do with his controverted ego and his creepily suppressed sexual desires, whatever those were. It was hard to tell given his association with characters such as Goldmember, whose apparently shiny tool and propensity for eating flakes of his own skin were so distracting it made Dr. Evil seem normal.
Which could be the game plan for a certain golden-haired politician, if you think about it. We haven’t yet seen him eating his own skin, but perhaps that is what got in the way of his fingers while typing ‘coverage’ so that it came out ‘cofveve.’ You have to admit there’s a striking similarity between The Donald and Goldmember. Think about it.
Yes, these are creepy times in America. It’s almost like we’re all immersed in an Austin Powers movie. Perhaps Chris Christie could play the role of Fat Bastard. Seriously.
But it’s a fact that every character in the Austin Powers series seems to be grappling with some sort of deep inner conflict, usually sexual. Even Austin Powers lost his Mojo and couldn’t shag anymore. And those Fembots with the machine gun nipples? The NRA would love them. So would Fox News.
My own Mini-Me
So it is with some trepidation that I opened a conversation with my own Mini-Me. This morning when I opened the closet door he was sitting there with a weird smile between his helmet face and his Day-Glo shoes. As you will note, Mini-Me is fluorescent just like me, the Human Highlighter. Only he’s much shorter. There’s very little There…there. But that’s how it is with Mini-Mes.
It doesn’t stop them from having their own opinions. In fact, my Mini-Me has some interesting advice for all of you. Here’s a Listicle of what my Mini-Me has to share with all you cyclists, triathletes, runners and swimmers.
- Stop your Frickin’ Worrying. As you can see, Mini-Me doesn’t have much of a brain to get in the way of whatever he’s trying to do. And he wants you to know that the best thing most of you can do is get your head out of the way when it comes to training, racing and recovery. After all, real brains seem to be highly overrated in the endurance world. Take a listen to one of those elite athletes being interviewed after a race. They’re typically not all that smart. “Well, first I swam fast. Then I biked fast. And then, well, I ran fast too.” Apparently it call comes down to being dumb enough to do this shit fast, and do it well. That’s what Mini-Me thinks.
- Success is Not About the Sharks With Laser Beams. Sure, having the latest laser sculpted bike is impressive when you’re walking into Transition or waiting to roll on the Saturday group ride. But guess what, no one notices your frickin’ bike once things get into high gear. It’s all about using the fins to get to the finish line fastest. And the same thing goes for runners. Find the shoes that make you go faster, not the ones that look like they will. And you swimmers? The only time anyone sees your wetsuit is when you’re actually out of the water. What matters is not how you look in the thing, but how strong you are in the water. Get a frickin’ clue.
- Give me a Frickin Break here. The worst athlete on earth is the one that is overtrained. When your throat is scratchy and your hair lays flat on your scalp because it’s too tired to frickin’ stand up, that might be a hint that skipping a workout (or two) will do you a helluva lot more good than trying to Shag the Sheep. That’s what happens when you are even too tired to give a fuck, or what you fuck, or WTF? Take a Frickin’ Break now and then. Or wind up a loser.
- You Won’t Turn Into Fat Bastard Overnight. Good nutrition is certainly important to better performance. But one bad meal is not going to turn you into that sweaty, greasy, overweight Fat Bastard. Not overnight at least. So if you see a photo of yourself where you look a little heavy, don’t let it grind your gears, baby. Loosen up and rolllll with it. Tomorrow’s another day. That’s Fuel to Burned. Yeah–aehhh Baby!
- Somebody Loves You. Behind all that longing to Rule the World, Dr. Evil was actually in search of love from someone, anyone. That’s why he loved his Mini-Me so much. There’s a Mini-You inside you as well. And you have to love them or they won’t love you. Which is confusing, except it’s not. Finding some form of s'[elf love is why we do all this shit. Your Mini-You wants you to know that.
And if all that fails, you can simply follow the model of Dr. Evil himself, who sums up his life history and philosophy in this highly compelling quote:
Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential… very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
And don’t forget, we all need a Mini-Me.