It happens now and again that athletes get mixed up in activities that are not exactly conducive to racing or training. It now appears that a band of athletes from six different countries got waylaid by their own party plans on their way to the Olympic Games. They all turned up yesterday wondering when and where their respective events were scheduled to begin.
Diver Caroline Matscusheva of Argentina was one of six slightly stoned athletes who showed up late for the competition. “We all met up on Facebook and agreed to fly to Bolivia to meet up in La Paz,” she related. “But My God, we didn’t party that much. The games are still in August, right? August isn’t over, is it?”
Triple-jumper Eric Stott from Scotland was one of the six athletes stunned to learn that the Olympics were officially over. “I can’t believe it, Dude! I mean, we were all training so hard to get here. Well, maybe not the last two weeks or so. What day is it, anyway? Can I jump today and enter my distance to see how it I would have done?”
A pair of Cameroon soccer players were amongst the athletes who never reported for national team duty in Rio. But in truth, it turned out that the Cameroon Lions had actually not qualified for the Olympic soccer tournament in the pre-Olympic tournament to determine which countries get to play in the Games. “It is really disappointing that we know now,” the two midfielders admitted. “We thought for certain we had won enough games to make it to the Olympics. Perhaps we were celebrating too much and did not check the Internet.”
Distance runner Mannio Spagnoil of Italy was the stonedest looking athlete of all. As the six lonesome figures stood together at the gates of the Rio Olympic stadium, the tired-looking Spagnoli kept rubbing his red eyes while alternately nibbling on PowerBars in each of his two hands. Periodically he would set the nutrition bars down on his gym bag and reach for his bottle of water, then seem to forget what he was doing, and grab the two nutrition bars again. “Io sono davvero molto in forma. Questo fa schifo!” he insisted.
The final athlete in the group was a very distraught-looking synchronized swimmer from Sweden who kept asking, in an anxious yet slightly slurred voice: “What did my team do without me?” She spun in circles every few minutes and wiped a loose strand of bright blonde hair from her otherwise tightly coiffed scalp. “My one friend is so scared of the water. I hope she was okay.”
The group of six athletes was last seen wandering the streets of Rio at 10:30 at night inquiring at every gate whether the Olympic Village was still open. Stott tried his best to persuade the remaining security of his athletes’s status, even flashing his Scottish team badge with the promise, “We ken give you some graaate weed if you let us in the fookin gate,” he insisted. “I knewh I’m a very pale white Scotsman, fer shorr. But I kin promiss yew, thiss is pure Bolivian Gold straight from the mountains therr. Good stuff, man.”
Then Stott glanced down in a panic. “Dammit, me phone battery’s leow again. Who’s got the chargher? I’ve got to get on Tinder, stat.”
The six have set up a GoFundMe site to get money for their return flights to their respective countries. Stott already sold his bright yellow and red Nike spikes to get part of his air fare. “Sum demn kid stole me wallet out of me back pocket, though. Thank Gewd I was carrying me money where my stash seets in me crotch.”
Interested parties who would like to contribute to the plight of these stoned and wasted athletes and visit the GoFundMe Site and search for Desperate Stoned Olympians.