Bike fitting, it is said, is equal parts science and art. But I am here to tell you it is neither of the two. To absolutely fit yourself to a bike frame, you must resort to much more extreme means than that.
In my case, that meant shortening my torso. So I went to the internal medicine & spinal reduction team at Excelhellth, the big chain of hospitals near my home.
Within two days my insurance approved the torso reduction, and I was four inches shorter for a few days. But then came the leg extension surgery. That was fun because it also equalized the leg length discrepancy that has vexed my running for years.
Then came the foot repair. My feet had flattened from a size 9.5 to an 11.5 over the last thirty years from all that running, so they shortened my plantar fascia, tucked my toesies and installed a set of sparkling little diamonds on the pinkies. Now I flash in the sun when running barefoot, which should really please the minimalist crowd.
Next came my neck. And as I’ve always admired the ability of owls to spin their heads around and look behind them, I figured it would be pretty handy to have that ability on the bike. So they fashioned 16 additional swiveled vertebrae into a curved extension that can retract down into my neck cavity. And if I like, that means I can pop my head up in the air like ET, the extra-terrestrial. Which will come in handy during rides when the last person in line refuses to warn the group ahead about approaching traffic. I’ll be able to lift my noggin two feet in the air and shout “CAR BACK!” if I see anything coming.
And as long as I was getting things extended, the penis doctor got involved and threw on a few thick inches just for fun. Now the bike shorts will look like I’m stuffing socks in there, and finish line photos will be all that more impressive.
But there was a cost to all that manhood. It meant butt implants were necessary to get the proper lift off the seat, which changed the sit bone position, so a pelvis reconstruction took care of that. I also had a metal torsion ring installed in my sphincter so that I can ride with no seat at all if I choose. Just click in and go. It’s really quite handy, so to speak.
Once in a while, my hands get numb on the handlebars, so a hand doctor took some of the fat from my belly and stuffed it into the palms of my hands. We were really getting places now.
And that just about completed the bike fitting. The bill from Excelhellth came about to $250,000, but presidential candidate Ted Cruz has agreed to use a bit of his campaign money to pay my bill because he’s an advocate for personal freedoms as well as strange creatures that seem to have been cobbled together from disparate parts. What else can explain that face? That zombie family of his? That political platform of his?
Yes, bike fitting is a fun thing to do, if you know how to do it. And when it was all said and done, I jumped into position and pedaled on down the road. So if you see a guy that looks like ET, has an ass like Kim Kardashian, a crotch like Peter Sagan and a torso with the elegance and style of a dolphin, you’ll know it’s me.
GIVE FULLY. BE ORIGINAL. AND SARCASTIC.
Because I’m Specialized.