I once dated a gal in college that professed not to like eating, sleeping or shitting. “I just don’t like to waste time doing those things,” she admitted.
That relationship broke off after two years, but not for those reasons. She met another guy who fit her vision of security and they had four daughters, I have been told. So I hope she’s happy.
But I suspect she’s not if she still hates eating, sleeping and shitting. Because those are all things people I know really enjoy.
At the time I dated her the only four things I was doing were eating, sleeping, shitting and running. An oh yeah, dating her as well. We both had fun in our respective college endeavors. She was an actress in a musical and I was Captain of the cross country team. We fell in love and that was great.
But while doing 100 miles weeks it was important that all those natural rhythms fall into line. So I loved to sleep. That was restorative. I loved to eat. That was nutritional. And when nature called, it was a damned good thing to take a good shit.
Some people spend eternity on the toilet, reading magazines or books. In the age of cell phones one can only imagine where some of those posts to Facebook originate. That’s right, people are probably doing a ton of social media from the throne.
You probably don’t want to think about that, but now it’s too late. The next time you get a weird, vacuous post from a Friend give it some thought. Could they be sitting on the shitter?
And what about Strava? Could there be anything more entertaining while taking a crap than looking at your Run or Ride stats and those engaging little maps that show where you went? I think not. Strava was born to entertain athletes occupied with taking a good crap.
Actually there ought to be an app just to measure your efforts on the toilet. Call it JockStool or TriPoop or SphincterLinkter. Something like that. You could take pictures and share them with your friends. “Nine inches today,” a typical post might say. “That’s a PR! Poop Record!”
Let’s get real about this, people. You measure everything else you do in life, why shouldn’t you measure your own poop? Some days it’s the best thing we produce in this place we call The World. As anyone who works in the corporate world can tell you, there’s a very fine line between taking shit in your job and taking a shit while you’re on the job.
It just proves that most of the shit we do doesn’t really matter half the time. But when you turn around and look at that squatter lying in the bowl, admit it. You think to yourself, “That was a really good shit. At least that was one good thing today.”
And that’s the glass half-full attitude, redefined.
It’s a cycle, you see. The more you run and ride, the more reason you have to eat. And the more you eat, the more you have to poop. I mean look at these people. You can see it in their eyes. Coffee was great, but they’re all really looking forward to finding a place to take a good shit. That guy on the left may already be doing that. And the guy on the right? He’s already done. Look how happy he looks. The rest of the ride will be a little squishy, but he won’t get saddle sores.
It’s true that sometimes our body rhythms get messed up, and the worst feeling of all time is having to get up and poop in the middle of the night. When you’re sleeping, you should be allowed to sleep. But when your body has different plans, there is no holding back. Getting up to pee is one thing. Getting up to poop when you’re in the middle of a deep sleep is quite another.
Once in a great while, my ass will send alarm signals up to my brain in the middle of the night. It’s like there’s a turtle down there trying to push its way out of a sand bank. It hurts. You try to go back to sleep and there’s No. Way. In. Hell. That’s going to happen.
See, our bodily functions don’t always follow The Rules. Sometimes hard training results in hard poops. You get constipated or the opposite, generate a case of the runs.
And how ironic is that? You run and you run and you wind up with the runs. That’s when a Porta Pottie can look like a literal Gift from God.
By contrast, constipation is serious business to many people. You simply can’t afford to be blocked up. It’s not good for your body, plus you might be carrying around more than a couple extra pounds.
It’s easy to have happen. Miss the proper hydration and your body sucks water from every corner of your system. That leaves your poop a bit dry. It compacts. Fills the lower cavity with its shitty girth and then you have to resort to some Roto Rooter drugs to loosen it all up.
Recently when I had a colonoscopy I got thinking about all the poop sitting in there. By the time it all came out I felt like the mouth of the River Ganges. It looked like that too. It all happens because we have to eat, or else we’ll die. And we have to poop, or else we’d explode.
But just think about all the poop that gets dumped on the world every day. Fortunately it breaks down when exposed to water, bacteria or flies. Cause if it didn’t, we’d be up to our collective ears in the stuff.
Perhaps you’ve heard that joke about the guy who dropped his sunglasses down a deep latrine. He goes in to retrieve them and his buddy calls down to ask, “How is it down there? I’ll come in to help!”
“It’s only ankle deep!” the first guy replies.
So his buddy jumps in and the crap is up to his chin. “What the hell, dude? I thought you said it was only ankle deep!”
“I dove in,” his friend admits.
Proving that his sunglasses must have been Oakleys. That’s the only explanation to that joke.
At any rate, we really should consider that eating, sleeping and shitting are pretty worthwhile and necessary activities. So screw that college girlfriend and her corporate attitude about bodily functions. Maybe she changed her ways after I dated her. But maybe not.
As for me, these days I still like eating, sleeping and shitting. What’s not to like?
You have to do all three to be healthy and survive. They’re like the triathlon of existence. Each discipline requires its own training and dedication. And like the triathlon, it’s the transitions between the three that sometimes cost you the most time. Don’t you just hate it when the rest of life gets in the way?
As for pooping when you are in the middle of the pool, I have just two words. Code Brown. Get out now. Please.