Why I no longer believe in calories, because Megan Fox convinced me that science is a load of crap

“I don’t know how to say this word, so I’m just going to pretend I know how to say it…

Megan Fox

Intergnat savant Megan Fox explains away science with a combination of hand motions and incredulity.

That’s how Intergnat savant Megan Fox begins her “audit” of science exhibits at the world renowned Field Museum of Chicago. Her debunking of various science exhibits includes an incredibly insightful teardown of the theory of how cells combined to form life. Her lecture includes a complex hand motion in which she depicts the motion of someone talking as she speaks the words, “Blah blah blah.”

Well. That shook my world. I’ve never seen someone debunk my college education in biology and rip it to shreds right in front of me with such force and verity. She went on to say that none of the science in the exhibit makes sense to a 3rd grader, a 5th grader or a 30-year old. Well, that about covers it all. I’m convinced she’s right. Science really is a load of crap.

Which is great news for those of us who run and ride. After all, the entire reason most of us run and ride is to counteract the effect of eating too many calories. And since calories were effectively discovered by science, we no longer need to believe in them. That means you can eat all you want from now on and not have to worry about running or riding to keep from getting fat.

Megan Fox is also so sure that no one can prove to her that animals evolved or that any of us has a genetic history that relates to any other creature on earth. This is also really good news, because if what Megan says is true, she just found a cure for disease and cancer too!

Because if what Megan says is true, and evolution is false and the genetics of living things can’t predict or describe how living cells behave and mutate, then cancer and disease are not real either!

Hooray! Germ theory is all wrong! There’s no such thing as the Ebola virus or malaria or West Nile or even cancer! It’s all made up! Science is so wrong about these things. Megan Fox knows better.

Apparently there really are a ton of people in America who think just like Megan Fox, because something like 40% of Americans do not believe in the theory of evolution. They might prefer better science sources like the creation museum in Ken-tuckee! That’s where they have exhibits contending that dinosaurs existed on earth at the same time as human beings. The whole motto of the museum is Prepare to Believe. So that you can walk through cultural institutions like the Field Museum of Chicago and debunk the science with your talking hands and the phrase “blah blah blah.”

Now that I’ve been liberated from my pesky belief in science, I no longer have to worry about training for my races. I can just sit around and believe that I’m going run fast and it will happen. After all, the science behind all that training in which cells and blood and capillaries all work together to deliver oxygen and fuel to our muscles is all false. If we simply believe we’re fast, who needs all that science and all that effort?

Yes, it’s so good to have people like Megan Fox around to explain away all this false knowledge in the world. I can’t wait to go out and run a four-minute mile without science dragging me down or holding me back.

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About Christopher Cudworth

Christopher Cudworth is a content producer, writer and blogger with more than 25 years’ experience in B2B and B2C marketing, journalism, public relations and social media. Connect with Christopher on Twitter: @gofast and blogs at werunandride.com, therightkindofpride.com and at 3CCreativemarketing.com. Online portfolio: http://www.behance.net/christophercudworth
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