By Christopher Cudworth

“All satire is blind to the forces liberated by decay. Which is why total decay has absorbed the forces of satire.” –Theodor Adorno

“You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it.” –Art Buchwald

A worker laying down tarsnakes may be part of an elaborate conspiracy

Recently an astute reader of this blog sent in a photo of a worker putting tarsnakes some asphalt.

At first the photo seemed innocent enough. Yet I have learned from studying conspiracy theories from the Kennedy Assassination to the Miley Cyrus dance routine that there is always more to the picture than initially meets the eye.

Tarsnakes on the move

We already know from unyielding evidence documented in this blog that tarsnakes are not so innocent or inanimate as you might think. These tarry creatures have even been observed emerging from cracks in the road to actively pursue cyclists and runners in hopes of tripping them up to fall by the side of the road where rabid tarsnakes can invade their body and convert them into the tar-based slurry they best like to consume.

A tarsnake goes above ground in search of prey. Or is it a fuse for a pending terrorist attack?

Falling headfirst into a tarsnake

Some readers have ignored this fact to their peril. Recently on Youtube.com there appeared a short video in which an open tar pit filled with tarsnakes attempted to consume a young girl headfirst.

Holy Tarsnakes!

Even in the Holy Land around Israel next to the Dead Sea, there are underground tar seams that send massive petroleum chunks floating to the surface where they have long haunted residents of the area with their threatening presence. The website tothends.com notes, “In the time of the New Testament, Josephus reported that there were pieces of tar floating in the water the size and shape of “headless bulls.”

Well Holy Jesus, that is scary!

In further notes about the presence of tar pits and tarsnakes in the Holy Land, we find out this little fact from tothends.com: “In the 5th cent. AD, a Christian monk named Saba went floating on one of these islands of tar for 40 days and nights during a time of fasting.  The story continues that on his way back home, he fell into a burning tar pit and was terribly burned. Today we don’t see any more of these tar pits near the Dead Sea, but they were there in the time of Abraham.  The Bible says the area was “full of tar pits” (Gen. 14:10).**

The God of All Tarsnakes. Click to enlarge.

And I suppose you think that poor old monk fell into that tar pit on his own after floating around on a tar bull for 40 days and 40 nights? I say that’s a foolish and naïve notion. That monk was thrown into that pit of tar by the very tar bull on which he rode, very likely as a sacrifice to the God of All Tarsnakes.

Not so safe after all 

Do you still think you’re safe riding your bike or running so merrily over roads covered with tarsnakes? Or do you need still more evidence of the evil plot for tarsnakes to take over the world? Well, here goes…

A literal threat of tarry destruction

If what is written in the Bible is literally true, then all sorts of tarry things have been happening since Bible times, and could still be happening in the world today. In fact, there may be an overground system of tarsnakes waiting to burn up and consume us all.

Don’t laugh. It’s not an exaggeration if you consider how the earth really works. After all, at this very moment there is tar just waiting to explode and burn us to a crisp like the citizens of Pompeii or the horny little residents of Sodom. Just north of the good old U S of A, the supposedly rich tar sands of Canada are being exposed in wanton fashion by insatiable oil barons who insist that oil and tarsnakes are but innocent products of the natural world.

But here’s an interesting little fact. That very same situation with oil sands may be what caused the other-wordly destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Here’s how that event is described by tothends.com:

“It’s not hard to imagine how the city was destroyed.  In that highly unstable area with all those petroleum products (tar pits) around, all it would take is a match to blow up the whole place (19:25).  Some have suggested a volcanic eruption as the cause of the fire and sulfur coming out of the sky.  But it seems much more likely, as others have suggested, that an earthquake set off a petroleum explosion, perhaps after releasing gas into the air.  This would also account for fire and bits of sulfur raining down out of the sky.  The people would have been burned by the fire or choked by the fumes.”

Again I say, Holy Crap!

Today, in this very century, if someone decides to light a match up north in Canada, most of North America could be blown away like Sodom and Gomorrah, leaving a gassy, steaming mass of charred bodies from Saskatchewan to St. Louis.

Of course Pat Robertson would find a way to blame the entire thing on tolerance for gay people, just as some people continue to blame gays as scapegoats for the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah even though Lot begged forgiveness from God for the overall gluttony, lust and greed of the population. It’s so interesting how selective blame is used to cover up the true and harmful sins of the world, is it not? The same lot that blames the death of Jesus on Jews now targets gays to escape their own culpability in the sin and destruction of the world. It’s a neat little package of selective and prejudiced reading, you see, dependent upon literalism to make it whole. Or wholly despicable.

The Tarsnake Conspiracy

Speaking of sins, there seems to be some sort of conspiracy afoot to create a giant network of living, steaming tarsnakes all the way from the East to the West Coast of North America. Remember that photo of a worker carefully connecting a network of tarsnakes on asphalt? We took the liberty of carefully enlarging this photo to show you the cryptic messages hidden in the garb of his clothing. We think this is a coded message about when to light the fuse of the original tarsnake way up in a corner of Maine. Then an entire network of tarsnakes connected on highways across America will light like a fuse and sizzle from east to west, turning America’s entire system of highways into a bubbling, tarry brew. This isn’t some Arab plot to take down America. Oh no. It’s a planned attempt by preacher Harold Camping to bring on Armageddon because he’s so pissed that his big biblical prediction back in year Whatever did not come true.

Don’t ignore the signs

I know, it all sounds so far-fetched. But then, the people of Sodom and Gomorrah thought they could ignore the smell of sulphur on the breeze, and look what it got them. Burned up in the tarry fires of hell.

All I can say is if you hear a distinct hissing noise behind you this while you’re out running or riding this weekend, don’t turn around look back. It could be the new Sodom and Gomorrah. And you must remember the wife of Lot, who was turned into a pillar of salt for her curiosity at what God hath wrought. I know I’ve felt like a pillar of salt many times, especially when I cannot shower after a long run or ride.

But take my advice: It is far better to keep running and riding if you know what’s good for you. You might even survive to run and ride in a post-apocalyptic world, like Detroit.