By Christopher Cudworth

The side hug for photos fits somewhere between congratulations and condolences. It’s call friendship. Affection. And a better picture.

One of the subtle but important aspects of human behavior is the act of warmth and affection we call the “hug.”

Without analyzing all the various forms of hugs, which has already been done, this is a simple note about the difference between a hug of congratulation and one of warm or condolences.

The first time I learned the difference was while dating a woman years ago who, when I patted her on the back during a hug suddenly blurted, “Don’t do that.”

Being young and somewhat stunned by the bluntness, I asked, “What? What did I do?”

“You patted my back during a hug. Don’t do that.”

“Okayyyy,” I replied. “What’s up with that?”

“It’s condescending,” she told me. “Like, dismissive of my emotions. Patting someone while you’re hugging them is almost like saying, “I’m above you and I’m patting you as a sign of that. It’s condescending.”

I’d never heard of such a thing. But when stopping to think about it, the pat thing started to make sense. As do other forms of human communication.

“Good for you.”

When he was only in 4th grade, my son turned to me one day and said, “Dad, did you ever notice that when someone says “Good for you!” they’re sometimes not serious?”

I paused, again stunned at the insight of a person who would go on to teach me much, much more in life. “What do you mean, Evan?” I asked.

“Well, it’s like they’re saying ‘Good for you’ because they don’t really want to talk about whatever you did. It’s sort of a false compliment.”

Again, my head spun trying to grasp the insight my son had just revealed about the character of human interaction. But as I studied the instances in which that phrase was shared with me, it became evident that for some people the phrase “Good for you” is not exactly cynical, but it is a softened form of dismissal. Not all the time, but sometimes it’s true.

Back patting

The same goes for the patted back during a hug. It’s not always a sign of dismissal or false affection, but sometimes it is. It’s almost like a tap on the back to say, “Let me go, I can’t handle this affection.”

Back slapping

But that’s only during condolences or affection that the back pat is a confusing signal. A slap on the back during a hug of congratulation is one of the most genuine forms of affection there is.

There is the slap on the back, sometimes repeated for emphasis, when you’ve just won a race.

There’s a slap on the back when things haven’t gone so well, as if to say, “Good job. Go get’em another day.”

And there’s a slap on the back just for being a competitor, as if to say, “It’s fantastic to share this effort and this day. Let’s live in the moment.”

Condolences and congratulations

What a contrast, and a difference, in knowing the difference between the back pat that says “I’m moving away from this intimate moment” and the back slap that says “Congratulations, we’re both alive and trying our best.”

Keep in mind the difference and you may make a genuine difference in the life of someone else. And that life may be your own.