I’ve never really been an ass man, per see. But in this day and age, there are so many more asses on display thanks to changes in the fashion spectrum, it’s getting difficult not to be an ass man of some sort. Fashions from jean shorts to triathlon kits now provide ample opportunity to share ass cheeks with the world. It’s also no longer a taboo to do so. Asses are asses, and that is that.

But before we say much more about asses, especially the word “ass,” you should check out this hilariously insightful routine about ass by Finnish comedian Ismo. It will help you understand the direction of this blog once you reach the end.

Thumbs up for butt cheeks

I tend to appreciate the ass meme taking over the world not just for its sometimes pleasant display of human assage, but for thumbing its butt cheeks at the uptight notion that the human body should always be covered up.

In some respects we owe what amounts to an Ass Revolution to the progression of swimwear over the last twenty years. Perhaps we can credit college girls on Spring Break for flaunting the rules on swimwear to the point that it turned Floridian law on its head. That resulted in a release of all-out Ass Energy that has resulted in the cultural Big Bang of an ever-expanding universe of planetary assage that we’re now witnessing.

You may recall that a while back there were attempts to contain this metaphysical event before it got too far. I seem to remember that Florida legislators were trying to actually regulate the amount of ass-cheek that could be shown in swimwear on Spring Break beaches. But that dictated trying to define exactly where the human ass begins and where it ends. That pretty quickly turned into a repressive admission that no one had any idea what an ass really was, or how it worked. Plus the female anatomy in particular is not always so definitive. Truth be told, the whole swimwear debate has been going on for more than a century, and so, for the most part, the swimwear zealots have given up. Asses are in, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Not the same

Since some women are naturally curvy and others aren’t, it isn’t easy to say that a swimsuit on one woman will not be deemed obscene on another. The same can be true for men, but for completely different reasons having to do with the sadly odd nature of certain parts of the male anatomy along with the general census that male buttocks are far less frequently attractive than those of women. Thus naked male asses are not making the same play for mainstream attention as the female ass. Nor is the male version of camel toe a particularly welcome sight in public. Nuts are just nuts to show.

One could credit this imbalance in taste to raw male chauvinism and the consumer market for sexual titillation in seeing women’s ass cheeks. That would be partly true. But there’s more to this matter when it comes to cultural acceptance than, shall we say, meets the eye. 

Women Power

Given their far more considerate nature as a gender,  women seem to be able to appreciate and accept the whole lady ass genre as part of an evolution in spirit. There is both an appreciation and a liberation to not worrying whether one’s ass is showing. For women who want to ass it up as they run, ride or swim, such as triathletes or track stars, there are fashions that encourage full-on ass liberties. And among the women I know, they tend to say, “If you got it, flaunt it.” 

Yet for women who really don’t want their ass to show, there are still plenty of options to avoid that circumstance. That’s called freedom of choice. It’s very American at its core. Women who don’t want to show off their asses should have that right too. Women’s sportswear designers have come a long, long way in that regard.

Strong ass, strong will

Ass muscles are most definitely a display of strength. So are leg muscles, arm muscles, back muscles and calf muscles. Muscles are a sign of work. Work is a sign of self-worth. Self-worth is a sign of self-esteem. Good self-esteem cannot be stolen when it is hard-earned. Thus a strong ass can be a sign of a strong spirit.

But not everyone is gifted with naturally strong ass muscles. Yet we still see women working their asses off; doing their runs, getting in their swims, going for long rides. It does not necessarily produce the type of tone in them that we find in pictures of world-cl(ass) athletes, but that does not matter. Women are diverse in structure and perception of self. That’s what the fitness revolution is all about.

Put simply: Everyone’s ass is fine. But the first rule of assessing assage is this: It’s their ass, not your ass. Take care of your own ass first. The Bible says so. People who make snide comments about other people’s asses are mostly making asses of themselves.

Sorting out ass from asses

Now you might say that showing your ass in public is a risk you should not take. Critics might say, “If you don’t want people to comment on your ass (or other parts of the body) then why show it?”

To that one must reply, “You’re a hypocrite.” Because unless someone is disfigured by an accident or disability, everyone in this world; male, female or transgender, has an ass of their own. That’s both a fact of nature and a human right.

Beyond that, there is another fact of nature, proven by everything from antelope to elephants: One cannot move through the world without someone else seeing your ass. We all get to have an ass, and the degree to which we show it should largely be our own choice.

In pursuit of an ass, I can honestly say that I once ran two full miles up the Chicago lakefront trying to keep sight of the ass of a young woman in order to get a date. I asked her out. She accepted. We went to some bars and it turned out she was out of my league because she did cocaine and knew all the bouncers at the clubs. In terms of a life experience, it was still worth two miles of chasing her ass to learn something about the world. Some asses are unattainable.

But a few months later, I chased another woman’s ass around the track during workouts and we wound up dating more than a year. Asses can do good things, you see.

Asses and good taste

Is it in always in good taste to show your ass when it isn’t the greatest looking ass in the world? Perhaps not. But who is the ultimate judge of that? People make odd fashion choices all the time that are not in the best interests of good taste when it comes to public displays of flesh or behavior.

I worked for years in journalism, and those people were some of the worst dressers in the world. But their job was not looking good, but writing well. And finding the truth. Some of them were asses in some respects to the people from whom they were trying to extract that truth. For those reasons, journalists are sometimes hated. But we need those people to keep the real asses of this world from taking advantage or exploiting our political, financial and social sphere to an unethical degree. In that respect journalists are the pinnacle of good taste in human culture. They are largely the truth seekers. And people who brand them Fake News are typically the ones with the most to hide.

And they tend to be dressed in suits and ties.

The smile of a proud and arrogant ass. 

Genuinely offensive

Because if wearing something that offends others is going to be outlawed, then let’s talk about the abusive traditions long associated with the male suit and tie.

Lord knows there are plenty of men in this world who look and act like total asses while wearing that outfit. Some can’t keep their hands off other people’s asses (or pussies, or more) whether they have permission or not.

Some even choose to brag about it, then deny it when challenged by the likes of journalists.

But when the truth becomes known, they turn around and try to defame those who try to hold them accountable. Then hire a “fixer” to pay them to be quiet. Then hire sleazy lawyers to attack their character. All because they want to avoid accountability for being asses in the first place, even when running for President of the United States. This is what’s called an all-around Asshole March of Champions.

A complete and total ass(hole): Rudy Giuliani

The ass threshold

In fact, many of the world’s biggest asses do their worst work while wearing suits and ties. In this attire, the cross the entire ass threshold by turning into total assholes in public and private. Their own bodies may be covered in a suit and tie, but their corrupt ambitions and conflicted appetites are both grossly naked and blatantly untrustworthy. Some even have the gall to hide the weakly bulging gravity of their untruths behind the cloak of religion. Those are the most nakedly disgusting hypocrites of all. Jesus says so.

All these behaviors and the repressed wardrobe of falsehoods with which they adorn themselves are far worse than the careless glimpse of a butt cheek with cellulite or a bit of female whale tale peeking above a set of mom jeans. That’s a whoops in the cultural acumen, but not a crime against humanity.

Thus we must ask which is worse; seeing an actual ass in public or dealing with someone who is clearly an ass in public. 

That Ismo comedian was right. There really are many meanings for the word ass in the human language. Perhaps it’s high time we deal with the weight of the truly gross behavior in order to better understand the ugly nature of the bullies who give people political wedgies to show them who’s boss.

There truly are some real asses out there in the world. But the muscle of the gluteus maximus is not our biggest problem.