Ugh. There are days when it feels like I look like ET, the extraterrestrial being with the long neck, the wrinkly skin and the big eyes. Not to mention the paunch. Don’t they know how to work out in outer space?

In any case, those of us here on earth are in a constant battle with gravity from the time we’re born until the time we fly away on a spaceship to have anti-gravity sex in a wormhole, otherwise known as heaven. You didn’t know that’s what happens? It’s in the Bible.

In any case, you know the movie story of ET. He messed up and got Left Behind when his spaceship had to bug out without him because earthlings were getting wise to the visit. So ET made friends with a feisty little kid named Elliott, who shared Reese’s Pieces with him and they became fast friends.

But ET started to bonk a bit in earth’s atmosphere. Elliott knew the little dude needed to get back home or it would be a DNF in the race for life. So they constructed a makeshift “phone” to send signals off to the spaceship for ET. Then they made plans to head for the hills in time for a rendezvous.

Things got complicated when the Feds showed up and wanted to turn ET into an alien lab rat. But Elliott and his buddies conducted a rescue mission with their BMX bikes and some nifty chase scenes ensued.

It is a little-known fact that the sport of cyclocross got its inspiration from the movie ET. After a couple years the sport dropped the baskets from the front of the bikes because they kept getting crunched in head over heels bike crashes, but man the videos from those early days of ‘cross were fantastic.

Well, it’s not really a plot-spoiler to share that ET does make it back to the spaceship. Before he goes, ET conducts a little lighted-finger ritual with Elliott, who has his first orgasm right there on the spot. Because if you think about it, ET was kind of a jerk-off for getting stranded back on earth in the first place. I’m sure they kicked his little ET ass when the rest of the aliens got him back on the spaceship. The conversation probably went like this:

ET: “High guys! Thanks for coming to get me!”

Aliens: “You dumb little shit. What the hell were you doing running around the woods anyway?”

ET: “I was curious.”

Aliens: “Curious your wrinkly little ass. We were halfway to another galaxy when someone finally asked where the F you were!”

ET: “I made a phone to call you.”

Aliens: “Yeah, well. Everyone on earth is going to have phones now. This guy named Steven Jobs found your little contraption and is going to make something called the iPhone. Our technology has been stolen! Are you happy now?”

ET: “I’m always happy.”

Aliens: “Yes, we know that. You and your little light-up finger. You’ve got to stop sticking that thing up your ass though. It’s starting to stink.”

ET: “Well thanks for coming to get me. Elliott was a nice kid.”

Aliens: “You should not have left that phone behind.”

ET: “I didn’t even take a selfie…”

Aliens: “Yeah well…”

ET: “Or take it to the gym. You know, people can’t really multi-task. That’s a lie of self-deception…”

Aliens: “Well you can go back in thirty years and tell them that. But now, sit down and dial into our Strava system to guide us back home.”

ET: “Oh, and about that Strava stuff…”

Aliens; “You gave them that too? Christ, what didn’t you give them?”

ET: “Religion. They already had that from when our own little ET Jesus got left behind in the year 33 C.E. Remember, we had to go back and get him as well? Gosh he did some great miracles while he was there. Water into wine. Good stuff.”

Aliens: “Yeah, well even after we scooped him out of that cave after that psy-ops crucifixion thing he kept on running around earth like you did. People thought he’d risen from the dead.”

ET: “Uh, guys…?”

Aliens: “That’s still going? Jesus, now you’re probably going to be a deity on earth as well.”

ET: “I can go back and get the phone if you want…”

Aliens: “Never mind. It’s too late. Their next god will be a Selfie. We can’t afford to keep visiting this earth planet, you know?. This ship gets really shitty gas mileage.”

ET: “F That! We just set a new record for the Segment between Earth and Mars. Nice job guys!”

Alien: “King of the Mountain!!!”