I ordered new shoes. They should have been here by now, goddamnit. They should have been here before I was born! New shoes are not supposed to be late. Never!
Don’t tell me I am spoiled or have #modernproblems. New shoes are supposed to teleport through time and space to get to me. I Deserve Them! Never mind that I wore the old pair too goddamned long and it’s my fault I need them so bad. Those are goddamned excuses to make me feel responsible! I’m not responsible for this! I’m not responsible for anything!!
Was I responsible for the fact that the shoes they wore when mankind walked on the moon looked like orthopedic boots? And that they had basic one-side-to-the-other treads on them that looked like they were drawn by a two-year-old? No. That was not my fault. So shut your goddamned trap about that. Not my fault.
And was it my fault that Jimmy Carter took up jogging and made liberals the laughing stock of the late 1970s? Because he wore those stupid shorts and ran sideways and then fainted when he was supposed to be going forward? And that came to represent his entire presidency? Not my goddamned fault either. I’d still goddamn vote for him today, even though…
…the goddamned 1980 Olympics didn’t get held, and Craig Virgin got screwed out of a chance to win Gold and exceed the legacy of Steve Prefontaine, which he frankly deserves. Not my fault we skipped out. I was all for America going over to Soviet Moscow or wherever and kicking some Goddamned Soviet Ass. Now I sound like a goddamned conservative. And sonofabitch, in some ways I am.
But my goddamn shoes are still not here, and I want to run tomorrow. Not next week. Not a goddamned month from now. Tomorrow. My whole goddamned world is clogged up like a giant Shoe Shit waiting to come out my goddamn skinny runner butt. Until my New Shoes get here, the rest of my world is on hold. Goddamnit. God. Damn. It.
Because goddamnit, I was a Shoe Guinea Pig for the rest of you goddamned people. I wore shoes in the 70s and 80s that were not fit for goddamned human consumption. The government and Nike and Asics and New Balance and goddamned Osaga for fuck’s sake…all conspired and conducted running shoe experiments on us Old Schoolers so that the rest of you goddamned people can enjoy good shoes today.
We paid our dues. We taped athletic tape to the heels to make that cheap rubber they used back then last longer. We literally wore goddamned holes through the bottom of the soles of our shoes because we cared not about biomechanics and gait balance. We were like the Seinfeld character Kramer driving around with his car on “E” to see how goddamned far he could go. All we knew how to do was goddamned run. And we were good at that.
So goddamnit I should not have to wait for my goddamned new shoes. Not one minute more. Get here. Goddamn. New Shoes. Goddamnit.