A news story plopped into my Facebook feed through a page called Look At My Bike Leaning Against Stuff. Yes, this page exists. And typically it is what is says. Pictures of generally nice bikes in interesting locations leaning against stuff.
Then there’s this: A cyclist pooping story.
Apparently some guy in Idaho was riding his bike, stopped to take a poop somewhere in the dry hills and then decided to light the toilet paper on fire. The fire spread into an broader grass fire. The article says:
“We’ve had this before, actually – it doesn’t happen very often – but when people have to go, um, they will often burn their toilet paper just as kind of an environmental concern, to not litter, basically, but in these fuel types, it’s not a good idea,” Bilbao said.
There are several levels of unfortunate choices going on here. First, we all know how difficult it can be when you have to go real bad. No amount of practical advice can change the urgency of immediate need to defecate. We all know when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I have personally witnessed many runners and cyclists over the years doing their dangling deed in the weeds and many other places. I have personally been that runner squatting behind trees to make good with the world.
And really, that’s what it’s all about. When you’re burning to go, there is no way to change your status (make note of that for Facebook) than to get it done. Now.
Then this poor guy out in the foothills of Idaho tries to do the right thing and burn the toilet paper he obviously was carrying for just such an emergency. And wouldn’t you know it? An entire section of foothills goes up in flames because he was trying to be environmentally conscious.
Talk about a new definition for the word backfire. It’s bad enough he had to take a dump outdoors. But then to have the whole thing announced to the world. The only thing worse would be jacking off into a campfire and setting off some sort of chemical explosion that burned down a state park. You can imagine the headlines on that one. “Man whacks state forest.” Or somesuch.
It’s one of the tarsnakes of existence as an endurance athlete that you generally have a regular bowel movement pattern. But once in a while it coincides with your workout (more often than you’d like, perhaps) and that means trouble.
I know that I have been urgently preoccupied before. The worst moment ever was while walking through the Art Institute of Chicago. I’d run a twelve-mile workout that morning and ingested a huge breakfast following. The urge to go came over me so strongly that I went desperately searching for a bathroom. From hall to hall I poop walked, trying to hold back an obviously monstrous turd. By then I was convinced it had grown eyes and legs and feet and was clawing at my sphincter to get out. The world began to spin as I finally found a bathroom.
There was no need to wait. I delivered a child or something like it that day. Had I owned a cell phone at the time I could have posted a photo of that creation and posted it to some crazed website and been a viral sensation. That thing probably had its own gravity it was so big. Just look at the photo below and you’ll get a hint how big it really was.
So I get what the poor guy in Boise, Idaho was going through when he stopped by the road to unleash a load. Perhaps he had the same four-eyed monster pushing at his rectum with an eye toward freedom. And then like a good citizen he tried to cover it up with toilet paper. And then the toilet paper looked awful in the sun and he tried to burn it off. And all hell broke loose.
Now the whole world knows he took that dump in the wild. Well, there are worse things I suppose, like signing up to run for the Republican ticket along with the rest of those turdmaster political dumpsters unloading drivel on society from Trump to Santorum. Go ahead and click on that link to Santorum. It proves my point. And I won’t tell.
In truth the crap meter might apply to all politicians in the end. Both sides of the aisle and even the Libertarians with all their “government is shit” have crap going on that they never want to admit. And just like that guy in the foothills of Idaho, they keep trying to burn it off before anyone sees what they’ve done, or undone.
But we find out what they’re up to because there always seems to be a fire somewhere in the foothills of politics, religion and everywhere else.
It all comes down to human nature when you’re burning to go. Even the best cyclists in the world have to take what Phil Liggett calls “a natural break.” Why they haven’t invented bib cycling gear with snap backs to evacuate waste I do not know. That would be a great place to put a sponsor logo, don’t you think?