(Washington, DC) In a 5-4 partisan vote with conservative justices aligned with a defendant who found shaved legs on cyclists “offensive and sexually confused,” the Supreme Court today handed down a judgement that will likely rock the cycling world for decades to come.
The majority opinion, authored by Justice Antonin Scalia, went to great lengths in describing why so many people find leg-shaving among cyclists offensive.
“This is a sexual and social ambiguity that causes distraction in the public sector,” Scalia wrote. “Leg shaving can cause confusion among people trying to determine the gender of people on bikes. The resulting delays can put the lives of both cyclists and motorist in grave danger by causing latent consideration and pondiferous predilections. As a result we consider leg-shaving a distraction that constitutes an illegal action on the roads on par with texting while driving, not wearing seatbelt and holding twitchy poodles in your laps. That last part I just made up,” he stated. “But you see my point.”
“I also want to point out the polarization of society that allowing cyclists to shave their legs can produce. When you get a hairy-backed, bearded, gun-toting driver of a F-250 in the same lane as a spandex-sporting, shaved legs cyclist on an aero Cervelo, that’s placing on imposition on the traditional roles of people on the roads and frankly constitutes Cruel and Unusual Punishment for the driver of the F-250 to have to look at a person’s shaved legs in public.”
Prosecutors in the case raised the prospect that allowing cyclists to wantonly shave their legs could lead to other risky behaviors. Lawyers pointed to “The Rules” cited on a website called Velominati: Keepers of the Cog, as evidence that cyclists are being encouraged to flaunt themselves in public. “We submit as evidence, Rule #6,” prosecutors said. “Free your mind and your legs will follow. Your mind is your worst enemy. Do all your thinking before you start riding your bike. Once the pedals start to turn, wrap yourself in the sensations of the ride – the smell of the air, the sound of the tires, the feeling of flight as the bicycle rolls over the road.”
“We think this shows that cyclists are conspiring to flaunt both the rules of nature and the laws that govern society. This purely sensual experiment is indicative of an anti-authoritarian mind and a danger to society. Shaved legs are an open statement on the order of a hate crime against the rest of society.”
Based on this and other testimony by motorists claiming to have been distracted by men and women in spandex with shaved legs, caused Antonin Scalia to cite Rule #33 from Velominati.
“Rule #33 // Shave your guns,” noted Scalia in his majority opinion. “Can be taken to mean that legs are guns. We believe it to be Constitutionally confusing to suggest that guns should be shaved when the Second Amendment clearly says ‘the right to bare arms shall not be infringed.’ As Constitutional originalists, we think the language of the Constitution is sacrosanct.”
When reminded in the Dissenting opinion written by Justice Greenberg that the actual language of the Second Amendment reads “to bear arms” and not to “bare arms,” Scalia went public to scoff at his liberal Justice counterpart. “Who is she to tell me what the Constitution says? It says whatever I mean it to say. That’s my right and responsibility as a Justice of the Supreme Court.” When asked if the ban on shaved legs for male cyclists applies to women cyclists as well, Scalia gave his famous gesture of “two fingers up” and pronounced. “Two different things. Those are two different things.” And that’s all he said.
In the Dissenting Opinion Justice Greenberg cited Rule #33 in its entirety to make her point that leg shaving among all cyclists is an honored tradition, not a breach of the social contract. “Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times,” she incorporated in her opinion. “If, for some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche on your way to a Critical Mass. Whether you use a straight razor or a Bowie knife, use Baxter to keep them smooth. “This Rule,” she wryly noted. “Means that you can be a hippie douche whether your are a man or a woman.”
Some journalists asked Scalia and the Conservative Justice Team standing by his side in equally black robes about whether the new ruling on Shaved Legs in Cyclists was somehow a compensatory response to the controversial ruling on gay marriage recently passed down by the court. “What would make you think that?” Scalia huffed when grilled by the media. “This court has been consistent in all its rulings, especially those that confuse people with corporations and politics with religion. We’re very consistent with our inconsistency. You should know that by now.” Justice Clarence Thomas nodded at that. Or perhaps he was merely nodding off.
The Supreme Court is soon expected to hear cases determining whether runners should be allowed to wear shorts over their running tights and if triathletes can wear wetsuits while picking up groceries at Walmart.