Is it time to open negotiations on Iranathon, Triranathon and the Tour of Iranathon?

IranConservatives hate the deal that President Barack Obama put together with Iran to prevent that nation from growing its nuclear arms capability.

There seems to be some difficulty with terminology going on in these negotiations. I see guys with nuclear arms at the gym every week. I ignore them and they ignore me because it’s a simple rule of international relations that guy who doesn’t look you is going to be hard to relate to.

That is seemingly the problem between Iran and the United States as well. If this photo of the national leader on the cover of the Chicago Tribune is any indication, America is going Amish Manabout these negotiations all wrong. When it comes to talking with Iran, our nation needs to replace its leading diplomats with a bunch of Amish dudes who look like they can get along fine in Iran. Keep John Kerry home and send Angus the Amish dude from Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

I know about these things. I lived in Lancaster, Pennsylvania and went to elementary school with Amish kids. They wore funny shirts and smelled a little like manure some days, but other than that, they were weird. That’s how kids look at things.

Hot dogs and Naugahyde

To the Iranians, we probably smell like hot dogs and Naugahyde, and that’s a bad combination. So it’s time we found some truly common ground. I am here to suggest that we use the sports of running, cycling and triathlon to open new lines of communication with the fair nation of Iran.

iran (1)The name of the country alone lends itself to some really cool-sounding events. Let’s start with a whole series of races titled Iranathon! The Iranathon 5K, 10K, 13.1 and 26.2 series would be a perfect place to start. Add in the Triranathon and the Tour of Iranathon and we’ve got a real foundation for athletic inspiration.

If you don’t think it will work, then you haven’t look at a map of Iran lately. With seas on both its northern and southern borders, and a huge swath of mountains curling under around its borders, Iran could be a the next Colorado if it took this proposal at all seriously.

Yes, we’d probably have to clear a few roadblocks and rip out a few landmines here and there to make it safe to run and ride. But you know, the Saudis and Qatar and all those other funkmeister countries get along with the US as long as we give them things like hopped-up Chevies and golf course architects. This isn’t rocket science people.

Let’s not forget Israel

Oh sure there’s that little problem with Iran stating that the nation of Israel should not exist. That is a sticky-wicket, to borrow a British term to communicate the unique form of colonial dismissiveness we call American Exceptionalism. Our pseudo Jewish roots are always showing, you see. It’s always like we showed up to a running race wearing street shoes and black socks. For all its supposed training in World Wars I and II, America is still pretty much a rookie at this World Power thing. Hell, our recent rookie mistake in getting mixed up in Afghanistan is proof enough that we don’t know what the hell we’re doing. Blame that one on the childish ebullience of George W. Bush, who ran around acting like he was the Billy Mills of international diplomacy but didn’t have a finishing kick worth shit.


Dressing up diplomacy

Let’s bring in someone capable like Chicago Marathon Race Director Carey Pinkowski. Let him set up a really cool race series in Iran and send a few thousands dopey American athletes over there to dress up in tight clothes and wear compression socks so that the Iranians can see we’re all a bunch of harmless weekend warriors rather than a pack of merciless despots trying to shove Big Macs down their throats.

And if all else fails, at least the Amish can teach them how to cheat in religion by making excuses to use generators in place of actual electrical hookups. Because in the end, it’s not really about what you believe, but what you can jury-rig to fit your faith that counts.


About Christopher Cudworth

Christopher Cudworth is a content producer, writer and blogger with more than 25 years’ experience in B2B and B2C marketing, journalism, public relations and social media. Connect with Christopher on Twitter: @genesisfix07 and blogs at, and Online portfolio:
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2 Responses to Is it time to open negotiations on Iranathon, Triranathon and the Tour of Iranathon?

  1. bgddyjim says:

    LOL! Chris, you obviously have no clue what conservatives are thinking about the Iran deal. You’ll see though, just watch. It’s already started. All of a sudden, “Oh, no… Now that the deal is set, we want the sanctions lifted first. This is ’78 all over again and President Obama is just as bad, just as naive and just as gullible as Carter. Obama is about to get schooled and you’ll miss it because you’re going to whine that it’s the Republican’s fault.

    Libs always make the mistake in assuming bad apples want peace like we do. They don’t. They want to win.

  2. I don’t really care what conservatives want. They’ve shown they’re completely incapable of calculating even the most basic responses in the Middle East. Bush and Cheney claimed we’d be greeted like liberators and that the conversion to liberty would hardly take more than a month. Then we went in an tortured their citizens mercilessly and wantonly. We failed to watch over protection of their antiquities. We lied to go in there in the first place and then lied and lied and lied again about the reasons we were staying. Conservatives have absolutely no credibility on any issue related to foreign policy. Not since Reagan, who you might recall presided over the (cough cough) Iran-Contra affair. So spare me the supposedly insightful lecture on conservative insight on these issues. They know how to do one thing: Be bullies, forget their own mistakes as if they never happened and blame others for their egregious behavior that lacks conscience, ethics or morality. Because it’s really all about two things for conservatives these days: Money and power. Show me any other evidence that the priorities are any different than that? Sure, they mask their motives behind religious themes to get people vote for them. And they breach basic liberties for United States citizens on grounds of religion too, then claim their religious liberties are being afflicted. I have never seen such bullshit. I distrusted Reagan in my youth and was proved correct that he was a really bad President when it comes to what’s good for America. Now all these imitator are even more zealous and it’s gutting what makes our nation great. Obama has managed a country at Civil War with itself. It’s no coincidence that some people compare him to LIncoln, who these days could not win a mayoral election as a Republican. Conservatism is a mental illness in its current expression.

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