Years ago when I first started taking a multi-vitamin on recommendation of a doctor, I visited the pharmacist, who happened to be the father of a close friend of mine, and asked him what to expect when the vitamins kicked in.

My friend’s father had a profound stutter, so it took him a while to get the words out. But this is what he told me. “They’ll…..turn….your…..turds….dark…”

And that was my introduction to the benefits of vitamin supplements and what you need to put in your body.

So it struck me that we’re not really exploring the creative potential of vitamins. I mean think about it: If vitamins can turn your turds dark, couldn’t they be counted on to turn our turds all sorts of various colors? We could be crapping white turds or green turds if we liked. Heck, we could crap pink turds for all we know, and that would be a wonderful testament to certain fund raisers. If you really give a shit about breast cancer awareness, nothing will do more to remind you to eat healthy and avoid cancer-causing food than a bright pink turd sitting in your toilet bowl.

There could even be a social media campaign. I SHAT PINK! Buy some tee shirts with happy looking pink turds on them and we’re halfway home to real cancer awareness.

Before you accuse me of playing dark with a subject that causes so many women and men fear, panic and their very lives, may I remind you that I’ve been through all of that to the point of losing my wife to ovarian cancer. It’s one giant battle out there for research dollars, and there really is no governor on the tastefulness of it all. When SAVE THE BOOBIES is a campaign slogan about female breasts (and not oceanic seabirds) don’t stand there and lecture me about the bounds of grace and good taste.

Besides, what we’re really here to talk about is vitamins and what they can do for your health. My new multivitamin is by OneADay. And I’m sure there are vitamin experts out there who will call or write to inform me that these vitamins are not organic or have too much sodium or cause your pee to turn bright yellow (because they do) so I’ll just go on record in saying this is a total experiment on my part. It says 50+ right there on the label so they have to be good for me, right?

I didn’t know that we needed Vitamin K, for example. What the hell is Vitamin K? Is that a secret ingredient from the movie Men In Black? Are we all aliens or something?

There’s also something called Pantothenic in here. Here’s what WebMD has to say about that. “Pantothenic acid is a vitamin, also known as vitamin B5. It is widely found in both plants and animals including meat, vegetables, cereal grains, legumes, eggs, and milk.”

So in other words, if we were eating all those foods we’d get enough Pantothenic Acid and not need a Vitamin. If you looked at all the ingredients on the bottle you’ll realize that’s the case with everything you eat in a multivitamin. We’re simply not eating right. And I’ll admit that. I simply want them to invent vitamins that align more with what we do typically eat or drink in a day.

Here are a few suggestions for all you vitamin sellers out there on what to put in your products to make them a little more popular:

Vitamin W: Offers all the benefits of areal red or white wine, including the alcohol. Certain years of vitamins are more likely to be pleasurable than others, but don’t ingest the cork.

Vitamin P: With the popularity of legalizing cannabis it won’t be long before the active ingredients in pot make their way into daily vitamins. Of course this is already possible in Colorado. Rocky Mountain Highhhhh….

Vitamin Eh?: This vitamin contains all the healthful benefits of living in Canada. Caution, this vitamin may cause repeated use of the phrase “Eh?” when asking questions or answering them.

Foxnewsium: This acidic element is only safe in small doses and may still cause anger and a propensity to join the Koch-sponsored political movement called the Tea Party.

Niceassium: Helps with formation of a healthy, round buttocks. Recommended by Kim Kardashian.

Steel: You have iron in your diet, why not steel? These little chunks of metal fuse the other vitamins together to make strong bones and a very thick skull. Good if you value convictions over common sense in your politics.

Merthiolate (as opposed to Iodine): Your mother used to spread this merth stuff all over your open wounds when you were a kid and you never questioned it. Now you can take a vitamin and turn orange without all the pain. However, it may also poison you.

Aluminuminuminum: No one can say that word correctly can they? Anyway, if you don’t want to get your aluminum through a vitamin just chew up a bit of aluminum foil. That is, if you can take the feeling on your fillings.

Viagra: That is a vitamin, right?

Cialis: Yah, that’s another ticket for a rigid wicket.

Vitamin MC-BC: Skip the tricky birth control stuff. Vitamin MC-BC works for both men and women by making them all look like Mitch McConnell with whom no one in their right mind would breed if they knew what’s good for them.

Well, that’s about it for vitamin education today. Hope you all grew in understanding of what vitamins can do for you. I can offer you a franchise for my new vitamin company. I’m sure you’ll want to invest in it.