By Christopher Cudworth
My father was never one to harbor much in the way of complaint from my mother. Whenever she would bitch of some ache or pain of any nature, dad would wave a hand at her and tell her, “Go out and take the treatment.”
See, “the treatment” was my father’s way of telling my mother to go outside, get ready to run and head smack into a tree.
“That way,” he’d tell her. “Whatever was hurting before won’t hurt by comparison to the pain you feel when you’ve just run into a tree.”
Which perhaps explains why I did just that this past summer. I ran my bike smack into a fallen tree. And let’s be honest. I should have seen it there. There was no real curve concealing it’s presence. Just a big, fat tree lying across the trail. It was a thick tree. With bark and leaves and branches sticking up so that I could sufficiently scrape the skin off my chin resulting in four badly sewn stitches by a doctor who frankly seemed grossed out by the entire experience of treating me.
The dude never even looked at the side of my body, which turned out to have far more damage inside than my bloody chin. I’m still going to a massage therapist who grinds on the thick lump of scar tissue hiding underneath the skin. It hurts like hell.
But now that the results of the November 2014 election are in, I’m very much considering a new dose of “the treatment” to make the pain of all this blind idiocy go away. There are plenty of trees in my yard. I don’t even need to ride my bike to find one. There’s a big maple out back with a sign that says MIRACLES HAPPEN on it. That one would work just fine for “the treatment.”
Perhaps I’ll watch 5 minutes of Fox News this morning and head out for my collision with the tree. See, Fox News is to news what an enema is to rivers of shit. You always know what the outcome will be. So even though the election of November 2014 was decided on the Big Lie of corporate money, Citizens United and a whole bunch of people who bought the Fox Lie that Obama is a failure, Fox News will not let up with their river of dark-hearted shit. Oh no. They’ll spend even more time jamming political suppositories (also known as Talking Points) up their own asses to celebrate the thrilling results of what comes after. You can’t really blame them. It’s what they do.
Actually, it’s far worse than that. Even while they’re jamming shit-generating suppositories up their political asses (and there are plenty of them employed by Fox) they are simultaneously dining on the political corpses of their most hated opponents. The rotting flesh of their enemies as it does down their gullets both thrills and terrifies them. It’s like Romans in the vomitorium. They can’t eat enough of the flesh of their victims so they keep sticking their hands down their collective throats in order to make room for more.
The great political writer Hunter S. Thompson literally couldn’t take any more of their kind of bullshit. He took the ultimate treatment by blowing his own brains out. That was a preferable option to listening to the furied bullshit of idiots with more money than brains, and less brains than a hamster running on a razor wheel. They know it’s killing them, but they keep on running because it’s what they do.
Taking the treatment
So I’ll take my treatment like a man. I can admit the Democrats lost in a violent shitstorm. But actually I’m rather proud of the fact that by taking the high road, the Democrats perpetually lose important elections big time. Of course I’m a bit disappointed when liberals like me stay home from the voting booth. They only come out to vote when the Presidency is on the line. Here’s the problem: liberals can’t bothered when the arguments about politics center on whether humans came from monkeys or not. Arguing about anachronisms and backwards-looking politics just doesn’t motivate them like it does conservatives, who can always find an excuse to be happy even sometime in the future it will kill their own children. They’re always ready to whack Isaac if political or religious duty calls. That’s why they don’t give a shit about you or me. By comparison to killing their own kids, the rest of us hardly matter.
Shit rivers abound
That’s the level of debate we get in this modern era, and people of good intellectual conscience simply can’t be bothered with it. It’s like people say about the weather. “Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it.”
Hence, the debate as well over climate change. That’s how callow our society has become.
But in fact the Fox News Shitstorm is much like the Polar Vortex, only a lot stinkier and a lot more shallow compared to the layers of snow we got here in Chicago last winter.
Or, Fox News and the conservative movement in America is like the Platte River in Nebraska when the hog farms upriver all release their shit slop at the same time. Then it runs a mile wide and an inch deep. Then they tell you it’s the natural course of things.
The Koch Brothers got rich using hog slop politics and greenwashing their evil intentions. Now they grease the country with dark money that fuels their corporate interests.
Well, it’s only shit after all
People in America seem to loooove the thrill of it all. When the shit waves come rolling their way, they like to take the long board out on the shit surf rolling across the continent because, as the Beach Boys once sang, it makes them feeling like they’re sitting on top of the world. Catch a wave.
There are plenty of shit waves to go around. That’s why people watch pro football even through it destroys the minds of the very athletes who play it. That’s why people tune into pro wrestling even though it is absolutely fake. People want to be stimulated by power and a sense of good and evil, right and wrong, black and white and Democrat versus Republican. Catch a wave and you’re sitting on top of the world. As Mark Twain once said, “All it takes is ignorance and confidence, and success is sure.”
That about describes what just happened in America. Which is why all people of good conscience should go outside and run straight into the nearest tree. The pain you feel will make you wake up to the fact that what just happened was bad, but not fatal. And if the lump on your head does not go down before the 2016 election, perhaps you’ll wade through the next shitstorm and actually go to the voting booth and put sane people back in office rather than the shitmeisters about to shove a suppository of radical conservatism up your ass and tell you that it’s for your own good.
Is that clear enough for you? Now go take the treatment. You earned it.