By Christopher Cudworth

My last run on Strava provides proof of the incredible results I’ve gotten from recent training.

I just ran 126 miles in 9 minutes and 35 seconds.

That’s an average of 4 seconds per mile.

That puts me around the world in about 14 minutes on a 354 foot elevation gain. 

Getting faster

I bet you did not know I had that kind of speed, did you? In fact I’m thinking of calling up Usain Bolt to challenge him to a 100 meter race. At the rate of 4 seconds per mile I think I can leave him pretty much in the dust. 

The training

Of course you might ask how I got this fast. Well, it took some work, I’ll tell you. Months in the weight room for starters. I also did some deep knee bends and some burpees. Those always made me faster. Just ask any junior high gym teacher. 

Changes in Diet

I also changed my diet a little bit. Mostly that involved a few more packs of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. That seems to have helped a bit. Thanks to my new diet my former training pace of 9 minutes per mile is now improved to 9 minutes per 126 miles. And that rocks. 

Secret Formula

Maybe it all started with that mix of Gatorade and Accelerade I accidentally created earlier this summer. With a water bottle half full of Accelerade, I dumped a bit of Gatorade in there and man was that must have been a powerful bit of drinkee-poo. Because look at me now. 

The Right Gear

The only problem with running as fast as I do now is keeping my clothes on, In fact by the time I finished the last few miles of my 126 mile run at just over 4 seconds per mile, I would up completely naked. Clothes just dissipate in that kind of wind, and your skin stretches a little. So it’s important to use lotion when you’re all done to help your epidermis snap back into shape.

Fortunately people can’t even see you when you’re moving several hundred miles an hour. Makes you feel like a real superhero. 

Agility and Speed

Another problem running at that pace is how to avoid running into things. You have to learn to look ahead a little, like an entire county at a time. You have to know the terrain pretty well overall, and stay off the main roads because some motorists just freak when they figure out there’s someone actually running much faster than they can drive. It upsets the whole power balance of the road hierarchy, you see. How can drivers claim to be King and Queen of the roads when their precious vehicles are outmatched by someone hurtling by them on foot?

God Forbid I should ever ride my bike that fast. Their heads would explode in jealously and rage. 

Cross Training

In truth I am considering the idea of applying my newfound speed in a cross country trip by bike. If I can double my speed by using a bike that would put me at 2 seconds per mile. At that rate I could cross the country in a oretty decent time. Indiana and Ohio would not seem so boring.

Perhaps I can even afford to lose a second or so per mile by carrying packages or delivering drugs. Might as well make money with all this speed. 

Increased Volume

Anyhoo, I hope you’re impressed with the results of my training this past few months. Obviously at these speeds my training volume has had to increase quite a bit. I’m now running 1000 miles a week, which means quite a few pairs of running shoes have bitten the dust these last few months. Fortunately because of my forefoot strike and rapid cadence I can essentially wear the cheap shoes that cost less than $100. 

Yes, it goes to prove that a few tweaks in diet, training and raw speed can work wonders. I’m planning to do a duathlon this coming weekend. I hope to finish in under a minute. That should win my age group. I might even have a shot at the overall. And at my age, that’s saying something.