By Christopher Cudworth
Due to the fact that We Run and Ride has made so much money from this blog we feel guilty to the core, we will be sponsoring a brand new racing series for all those who Run, Ride or Swim.
All entry fees to these races will be waived to the extreme largesse of the sponsors, which are absent. The only criteria for entry is that you have to put up with the conditions and terms of the race as named and certified.
So here goes. Go ahead and choose your favorite.
August 16, 2014
The No Saddle Criterium Race Series
All entrants must remove their bike saddle for this series of bike races to be held in a really ugly industrial park with no traffic control. Bike racers may use duct tape to cover the top of the seat stem, and neoprene wetsuits are legal to prevent punctures of the sphincter. Other than that, have fun standing up on the pedals for 30-minutes plus.
August 17, 2014
The Freeze Your Knees Lake Michigan Swim
Due to the Polar Vortex in the Midwest, the waters of Lake Michigan never warmed up this year. This year’s one-time Freeze Your Knees event will feature the opportunity to swim in 60-degree water without a wetsuit. It is recommended that you wade in up to your knees like most non-committal swimmers and stand there for a while deciding whether it’s really worth getting your crotch wet in water so cold. Then shake your hands in the water, walk back up the beach and lay in the last bits of summer sun, thinking better of the whole enterprise. That’s how most sane people approach swimming in the lake this summer.
August 23, 2014
The I Don’t Have $65 to Spare Bandit Half Marathon
In celebration of the fact that the 1% have effectively made off with most of the wealth in North America, this race will allow you to bounce checks, overdraft your debit card or pass along phoney money as the entry fees. Then you can line up guilt-free without a number or race chip and flip the bird to the official photographer if you actually make it to the finish line.
August 24, 2014
The Ferguson Missouri Militarized SWAT Force Cyclefest
There’s nothing like running a gauntlet to make your racing a bit more exciting. This first-time event features the opportunity to ride your bike through squadrons of heavily armed police. The official race tee shirt will feature the slogan, “Fuck the Pigs” with a raised middle finger emblazoned over a star. Good luck trying to finish this one without being slammed to the ground, handcuffed and hauled off in a paddy wagon. They may run over your bike with a tank for good measure. So be sure to leave your Pinarello Dogma at home.
August 25-29 2014
The All Iowa Ultra Ultra Ultra Ultra Ultra Ultra Ultra Ultra Ultra Ultra Cornstalk Marathon
Short of a few soybean fields, the state of Iowa is pretty much corn from border to border. This four-day race will feature the opportunity to see a lot of corn. Did we say you’d see a lot of corn? Because you will. And then more corn. So much corn you’ll hallucinate corn and then dream about corn on top of that. And when you’re done with hundreds of miles of running through corn, the race will serve you scads of sugary foods made with high fructose corn syrup courtesy of ADM Corn Sweeteners in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
There you have it. This year’s first round of fun races sponsored by We Run and Ride. We hope you enjoy these events because we went to tons of trouble to organize them. Sorry the tee shirts are so cheap. We bought them at the sales rack at Michaels Arts and Crafts, where everything that isn’t discounted is also on sale, but only if you buy them one at a time at 40% off. And don’t forget your coupon or they’ll have to scan one at the counter.
But we digress. Get out there and race. In the corn.