By Christopher Cudworth
For example, in a normal relationship it may be several years before you hear that person fart for any reason at all. People try to keep such indelicate behaviors to themselves.
But when you date an athlete and join them on a 10-miler the morning after a healthy dinner out on the town, there is a very fair chance you will hear them fart not just once, but multiple times.
If you are a man who considers that type of behavior unladylike, or you are a woman who considers the sound of a man farting a sign an insult to your honor, you are perhaps in for even more rude surprises as the relationship grows.
Athletes tend to be an earthy bunch not by choice, but by need. If the gas roiling around in your gut needs to come out in order to comfortably maintain your pace of choice, then farting no longer qualifies as unacceptable behavior. It’s part of your training and you fart because it is part of the sport. Men fart. Women fart. All kinds of people who work out can be heard farting because that’s what people in motion do. You’d have to be pretty anally retentive to want to run 13.1 miles with a butt blaster tied up with a clincher ribbon.
So it’s best to get wise and learn that farting is nothing more than a bit of sporting dialect. It is the language of eating and activity, running and riding. The jury is still out on swimming and farting. One cannot tell one kind of bubbles from another in the pool. So we’ll leave that subject to whet later.
Words for Farting
Athletes may well be the fartiest people in the world. That’s why there are so many words for farting. Ben Applebaum of the Huffington Post lists more than 150 different terms for farting. You can check it out, and your personal favorites may not be on this list, but some of them are pretty creative. You’ve got your Ass Acoustics. Anal Exhale. Anus Applause is rather nice. Ass Flapper sounds pretty specific if you ask me.
The list goes on and on, and grows more colorful, shall we say, as we go.
Answering the Call of the Wild Burrito. Booty Bomb. Brown Cloud. Butt Sneeze. Colon Bowlin’. Cornhole Tremor.
For all the color and honesty of true gas, it is still kind of embarrassing when you’re the one doing the farting. You can say “excuse me” all you want, but when you fart again just a half-mile down the road, the last “excuse me” just doesn’t seem to cover the new revelation coming from between your butt cheeks.
And when you’re running or riding with that significant someone, at some point you just have to accept that the person with whom you’re in a relationship is just as human as you are. They fart. They take dumps just like you too.
As the relationship goes on you might even give up solo bathroom time. When you’re both in a hurry to make the early morning group ride, there’s simply no time for farting around in the bathroom. Then again, nothing says “I Love You” like taking a dump when someone else is brushing their teeth. Really. It’s true. You might want to think that one through however.
When we were kids, the phrase “Who Cut one?” meant pointed fingers and the embarrassing admission that you were indeed the one who Cut the Cheese. Farting was funny then. But here’s some news. It’s still pretty funny today. Farting has always been funny.
It can even be a funny weapon of sorts, like the French fellow in the Monte Python movie The Holy Grail whapping both hands on his helmet and proclaiming, “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”
My personal favorite fart from a girl came when an 8th grade male friend and I were sitting on a wooden porch playing cards with a close female friend of ours. She leaned forward to choose a playing card from the deck and let rip one of the loudest, most resonant farts you have heard in your life. It helped that the space below the porch served as something like an echo chamber. I’m pretty sure several chipmunks turned up deaf and confused the next morning, wandering around the yard as if Chip and Dale had gotten into some crack.
Which, technically speaking, they had.
The Mother of Necessity
It’s never technically polite, per se, to fart in the company of the opposite sex. Yet runners and cyclists drop those rules in a pinch. You might say we’re more honest about all sorts of bodily functions. If you’re cycling with women and everyone proclaims the need to make a pit stop it is a classy move to turn your head because there’s simply no way for a lady to do that business in a dignified way in the open field. But farting? You just do that on the move. No need to stop a good training run or ride because someone has to pass some gas. Right?
So farting is one of the tarsnakes of athletic endeavors. It might be necessary to raise a stink in order to run and ride, you think?
The Fairer Sex
For certain I’ve heard far fewer women fart than men. To many men of course a good fart is a work of art with a requisite admiration for a particularly good retort. “Man that felt good,” a guy will say in full stride. The other men will nod and laugh in concert, often trying to work up a fart themselves in response to their good buddy’s anal fortitude. It’s what guys do. Beer farts? Chili farts? Much the better. They add flavor on the fly.
Women generally have more class than that. But not always. Women who train regularly with men learn there are no rules that apply to men that do not also apply to them. Sure gals will try to keep it down to a Fanny Beep, and probably ride to the side of the road so that their Free Speech is not infringed. That’s called Feminism, in case you did not know.
My own mother actually called the act of farting a “poofer.” That always grossed me out. Most of my farts at that age were anything but Poofers. They were more like butt blasts, and as I grew older and ran for miles with high school and college teammates, gas was a common language and no one called them poofers. More like Rump Rippers. A few even Steam Pressed the Calvins.
So if you find someone to date and decide to hit the road with them running or riding, go easy on the etiquette. Think of every fart they make as a sign of endearment. They trust you enough to let their Turd Burps talk. Besides, with everything in the world being stored in the Cloud these days, farts may turn out to be the best way to share our inner emotions. And isn’t that sweet?