The triathlon world is awash in a new study on the subject called the Hydrate to Pee Ratio. It is the key measurement of how often you take in fluids versus how often you have to pee.

A group consisting of World-class athletes and Age-groupers were studied to determine the ideal Hydrate to Pee Ratio. The purpose was to determine the critical What Goes In Must Come Out (WGIMCO) factor.

Every athlete needs to hydrate to compete at their highest level of performance. But nutritionists working with athletes at all levels noticed that many athletes exhibited a WGIMCO ratio above 8:12. That is, athletes consuming eight 12-oz glasses of hydration per day were visiting the restroom twelve times or more during a typical 16-hour day.”I have to pee all the time,” one athlete complained during the study. “I hope this helps me figure out why I have to pee so much.”

“It really becomes impractical,” one of the study’s participants observed. “I mean, how do you hold it during a Zoom call with twenty people watching? I make the worst faces.”

A new syndrome called Pee Anxiety emerged during the study. The condition is marked by immense relief after a good pee followed by dread that the urge to pee would return again before getting back to the desk chair.

Pee Factors

Other factors affecting the HPR Ratio are caffeine and alcohol consumption. It was also noted that Perceived Distance to Restroom Facilities (PDRF) was a psychological factor along with beliefs about bladder size.

It was determined by the HPR study that athletes deal with HPR, WGIMCO and PDRF ratios in many ways. One male athlete told the study’s directors, “If I have to pee during a workout, I just pull over and let it rip. I can spot a good Pee Tree from 400 yards out.”

Female athletes noted that the logistics of Pee Management Syndrome (a version of PMS related to urine and emotional strain) included wearing cycling shorts rather than bibs during workouts and learning to pee in the pool without guilt. “Finding a spot to pee when you’re a woman is a completely different problem than when you’re a male. We’re not known for being able to pull over and ‘let it rip,’ you know. It’s more like Squat and Hope…no one comes along at the wrong time.”

The study’s directors noted wide variability in the HPR factor within genders. “One male athlete with a sensitive bladder has literally worn out a path in his carpet between his home office and the bathroom during the pandemic,” the study report concluded. “We call this a HPR Pattern. It is not particularly evident on tile floors except among athletes ingesting sixteen or more 12-oz glasses of hydration.”

Prescription for sex

Males with BPR (Benign Prostate Enlargement) are particularly susceptible to an off-the-chart HPR. Physicians recommend “frequent sex” to reduce the load-bearing capacity of the prostate, the organ responsible for storing sperm in the male body. When gorged with semen, the prostate can block urine flow. Several extremely hopeful-looking male participants in the study requested a prescription they could present to their partners to relieve the problem. Several female participants in the study responded that, “We might like to help our guys out. But right now, we’ve really got to pee.”

The HPR study was concluded with this critical advice for athletes at all levels. “When you gotta go, you gotta go.”