The puzzling evidence of jumbo raisins

JUMBO RAISINS.jpgI’m constantly trying to find ways to eat a healthier diet, interrupted only by the occasional peanut butter cookie dough smash Blizzard from Dairy Queen.

So yes, there’s a lack of consonance in my approach. That doesn’t make me a nasty person by any stretch, just a little flawed. Certainly I’m not as conflicted as this constant crazy parade of American politicians campaigning to ban same-sex marriage only to be caught on gay dating sites or confessed to clandestine relationships. Why can’t they admit their orientation and be healthy about it?

Because that’s not as fun or exciting as being an ungodly zealot in their unfortunate self-denial. That’s why. It’s puzzling evidence of the thing we call human nature, and most people just can’t deal with it.

I’m not in any sort of zealous denial about what I’m doing. I mess up my healthy diet all the time. Guilt seldom enters the picture or makes me want to go out and get elected so I can tell other people they can’t eat sugar or go to Dairy Queen. No, my conspiracies are all private, small and mundane. Because avoiding sugar is like avoiding air, for the most part. It just comes with the territory.

HEALTHY FOOD.jpgBut yesterday I made the mistake of going to Trader Joe’s on an empty stomach. And you know what? I did really well. Stayed to the outside of the opening aisle where the veggies and fruits all lurk. Picked out strawberries, raspberries and blackberries. Loaded up with spinach greens, carrots and some spicy hummus.

Then I drifted over to the nuts and dried fruits aisle where everything costs $6.00. I turned down the choice of getting banana chips because they’re apparently cooked in fat and covered with sugar. Someone told me that. Major disappointment in my life. Banana chips are fun to eat. Even my dog Chuck likes them. It seems like they should be good for you. Because. They’re bananas. In chip form. It seems like a straight-line theory. But it’s not.

Such are the deceptions of the world. But that wasn’t where my shopping day ended, passing up the banana chips. Next came a shock that was going to affect my entire belief system. It happened because I asked for help from a Trader Joe Crew Member (in their tropical shirt) to “find the raisins.” He walked me back to the aisle with the fruits and dried nuts (did I get that right?) and literally waved his hands at an entire shelf of raisins. That I’d missed. It was like some sort of magic trick or scene from a Disney movie like Flubber.

It’s often that way in the world. You can stand there looking at clear evidence of what you’re trying to see and completely miss the raisins right before your eyes. So I snatched a pack of dark raisins and threw them in the cart. Such is innocence.

When I got home and pulled out the empty jar I use to store raisins––the one with the happy red rim that looks the same color as a Sun-Maid Raisin box, and thus worth of raisin holding––my mind started to spin. Because when I emptied the raisins from the bag into the box, it appeared they had been the victim of some radical nuclear accident. These raisins were huge. Like, Donald Trump huge! I’d never seen anything like them. They looked more like figs or dates. They were raisins on steroids, or grown in some field watered from the cooling ponds of Fukishima. They were, in a word or two, quite frightening.

Jumbo, they call them. I looked up that word. Jumbo is defined as:

  1. a very large person or thing.

ADJECTIVE

  1. very large:

Enough said. These raisins made me rethink everything I believed about myself and the world. Like, maybe the Flat Earth people are right after all. And maybe Building Seven and the two World Trade Centers really did just fall in on themselves in perfect order, like we’ve been told the last decade or so. And maybe Ted Cruz is supposed to rule the world like he said back in his college days. Maybe all these things really are true.

David Byrne had it all right! It’s like that song from the Talking Heads, Puzzling Evidence. There’s puzzling evidence all around us! We’re being sold Jumbo Raisins like they’re everyday occurrences. We’re told it’s natural to want to run marathons, or complete an Ironman. Puzzling evidence!

You got the cbs…!
And the abc…!
You got time and newsweek!
Well, they’re the same to me!

Now don’t you wanna get right with me?
(puzzling evidence)
I hope you get ev’rything you need
(puzzling evidence)

Puzzling evidence
Puzzling evidence
Puzzling evidence

Read more: Talking Heads – Puzzling Evidence Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Because now, as we speak, the entire Ironman franchise is owned by Chinese interests. That’s going to mean that if you compete in any Ironman event, you’re going to be nothing more than another product MADE IN CHINA!

Puzzling Evidence! Hardened in your heart.

It’s all a conspiracy! It’s a worldwide plot to suck us all into believing what they want us to believe. Jumbo Raisins indeed. Puzzling evidence…

You got your CBS, and your ABC…

SEEK JUSTICE.

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About Christopher Cudworth

Christopher Cudworth is a content producer, writer and blogger with more than 25 years’ experience in B2B and B2C marketing, journalism, public relations and social media. Connect with Christopher on Twitter: @gofast and blogs at werunandride.com, therightkindofpride.com and at 3CCreativemarketing.com. Online portfolio: http://www.behance.net/christophercudworth
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3 Responses to The puzzling evidence of jumbo raisins

  1. bgddyjim says:

    Your conspiracies aren’t mundane at all! C’mon Christopher, be honest… You actually vote for people who are, at the same time, ignorant and arrogant enough to think they know what’s best to dictate others’ do while the gorge at the pig trough!

    You simply help elect those who will do your dirty work for you. Hardly a saint you are.

  2. Alright, I’ll be honest. The possible harm, such as laws protecting the environment in the face of rampant pollution without regulations. It costs money to some businesses. But that’s better than privatizing the profits and socializing the losses. And the public good is served. And the possible harm of allowing gays to get married. Some people of religious leanings may be offended and claim that it’s the end of civilisation. But according to the Constitution, there is nothing to prevent that type of union from being legal. So yes, that relatively mundane constitutional fact may inconvenience some, but it’s a tricky little thing called equal rights, isn’t it? And for more than a century, people like me sided with minorities and women trying to get them the right to vote, or the right to eat at the same counter as white people. And people who thought that inconvenient and offensive tried to stop it outright, and are still trying to do that today. Even the police are in on it. See, my conspiracies are all very public and relatively just under the codes of law. Whereas the conspiracy to transfer wealth from the middle class to the 1% by deregulation of the financial industry to profit the very rich. Well, that’s not so mundane. It’s not for the public good. So yes, I vote for people who think that they know “what’s best to dictate to others.” Because you know who else did that? The people who wrote the Constitution. That’s who. And they knew it would need to be amended and updated with time. So they built that provision into the lawmaking process so that black people, who were considered 2/3 of a human being at the time, could ultimately be given the full rights of citizenship. Conservatism is by nature a conspiratorial attempt to hold back progress. Of all kinds. It is, by definition a willing fear of all change. I’m so glad for all these reasons that I am not a conservative, and that I have not fallen for the egregious interpretation of the Bible foisted on the world, and the large-scale war-mongering that the Bushies and the like have accomplished. Ike warned us the military-industrial complex was the enemy. And even Goldwater warned that we should never let the religious freaks gain power. And the suspicious, conspiratorial man Richard Nixon started the ball rolling in which arch conservatives acted under cover. It’s never stopped. Reagan was just as bad (Iran-Contra) and Bush was worse (Iraq, 9/11, torture, bank scams). But you go ahead bragging about the history. Which is full of puzzling evidence about how evil the liberals are, when it’s clearly the conservatives gutting our nation’s values.

  3. So let’s do this if you like a challenge. You write a blog documenting all the things you think conservatives have accomplished for the country since 1900. I’ll do the same on behalf of liberalism. Let’s so how that goes. Are you game?

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