A childish fascination with endurance training and bodily functions

In order to get your Monday off to a rollickingly childish start, you are invited to click and view this scene from an Austin Powers movie in which our hero engages in a prolonged urination session. Yes, it’s childish. And yes, I’m childish for posting it. Austin Powers pee session

That guy Mike Meyers made millions by being childish. His extended punch lines about penises and elaborate coverups substituting melons for breasts are the stuff of lowbrow legend.

But perhaps it’s all funny because that sort of humor mimics some of the funner aspects of real life. We all know circumstance can be oddly inappropriate and hilariously funny.

This all got working in my mind this morning because I got up from a good night’s sleep and went to pee. My dog jumped up eagerly because he thought I was going to let him out to go pee himself. Only I stood there for a while taking care of business. It took so long that my dog actually barked at me.

I started laughing and things started to shake and it was all I could do to keep the target in sights. That made the dog bark again and I lost it. Fortunately the main event was over.

But that got me thinking about stopping to pee during workouts. If you’re a guy you can pull over into the weeds or woods, whip it out and let fly. Of course sometimes it doesn’t happen as quickly as you’d like. The brain is willing but the bladder is shy, or stubborn. Too cold or seized up in some kind of protest about having to hold it so long.

And that’s what you’re thinking about the group or training partner disappearing around the next bend while you try to actually pee. “So long!” Then you have to sprint to catch up. That’s when the hilarious drama of having to pee is not so funny.

My gal friends have numerous stories about squatting together during emergencies. That whole frog squat thing is lost on those of us of the male gender. Whipping your shorts or kit or other outfits down to your knees and airing it out is only necessary for guys when Number 2 comes roaring on.

Of course we’ve all been there a few times. At that moment you curse Ladybird Johnson for her anti-litter campaigns. You’d give just about anything for a few shreds of a McDonald’s bag.

But of course there is no real shortage of litter out there. Despite all our best efforts there are still tons of garbage floating around our landscape. Which makes you realize that by comparison taking a crap that will decompose in a few days is no great sin in this world.

It would be a problem if everyone did it. That’s a fact. The volumes of human excrement flowing through our nation’s sewage systems is mind-boggling. One could argue that the most important invention of the human race is not the airplane or the atom bomb. It is the sewage treatment plan.

We’re all sooo glad when out training to find a Porta Pottie or restroom when it is most, vitally needed. A few weeks ago while training I felt the urge and pulled into an office for the Red Cross in St. Charles, Illinois. Putting on my most humble, needful face, I asked if they had a public restroom. “No, I’m sorry. We don’t,” the woman stated flatly.

And I thought: “Red Cross is supposed to help out in emergencies.”

So I was forced to use the woods just up the road. And I was all set to drop Trousers and take care of business when I noticed that the building behind the railroad tracks was tall enough to afford a full window view of my position.

Not wanted to end up on YouTube, I huddled down the opposite bank trying to appear inconspicuous despite my bright green running jacket.

If runners and cyclists were honest with themselves, they would be wearing camouflage, not fluorescent clothing. When forced to lurk in woods to urinate or defecate it seems the better strategy would be one of those camo suits used by hunters to disappear into the woods. You know the kind. All woodsy-patterned and bearing frills that looks like loose vegetation. That way we could all be cryptically hidden when nature calls.

You may call the idea of wearing camo gear for running and riading impractical.  Yet last winter for the Sno Fun Run there were several entrants wearing camo outfits to run the 5 mile race. Of course this was in Wisconsin, where contradictory behavior and earthy stupidity is considered a high art form.
House on the RockThat explains the horrific architecture of the House on the Rock, which also happens to be one of the shittiest pieces of architecture ever created. The House On the Rock designer once asked Frank Lloyd Wright, whose Taliesin home stands right up the road, if he could work with him in some way. Wright responded, “I would not hire you to design a chicken coop.”

That’s pretty funny. And it makes me realize that I am no genius on par with a Frank Lloyd Wright. Perhaps it’s my childishness that holds me back. Who knows is Frank Lloyd Wright enjoyed a good fart joke, or hung his ass over one of his cantilevered walls to flop a dump down on the rocks below. Those of us that enjoy the absolutely childishness of such things, and the antics of our friends? Perhaps we’re more like the guy that designed the House on the Rock and filled it with collections of the most amazingly useless crap you have ever laid eyes upon.

Somewhere up in heaven or down in hell the guy that designed The House on the Rock is having a good laugh at all our expense. Along with Mike Meyers in Austin Powers, he recognized the people find joy in the most childish things. There’s a lesson in that for all of us. We just don’t know what the hell it is.

So we all keep running and riding and laughing at the pitiable circumstance and circumscription of our bodily functions. And what’s the harm in that? We’re all just kids inside these grownup bodies.


About Christopher Cudworth

Christopher Cudworth is a content producer, writer and blogger with more than 25 years’ experience in B2B and B2C marketing, journalism, public relations and social media. Connect with Christopher on Twitter: @genesisfix07 and blogs at werunandride.com, therightkindofpride.com and genesisfix.wordpress.com Online portfolio: http://www.behance.net/christophercudworth
This entry was posted in Christopher Cudworth, cycling, marathon, running, Tarsnakes, triathlon, We Run and Ride Every Day and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to A childish fascination with endurance training and bodily functions

  1. Dan In Iowa says:

    I can’t decide if I’m laughing with you or smirking at myself!! A little of both I think. Off to the bathroom now…….

  2. How childish of you. Ha.

  3. OmniRunner says:

    I’ve been running down a road looking for a fairly clean MCDs bag before. Anything. That’s when you know you are desperate but you know that you can’t laugh without risking disaster.
    Now I try to take two paper towels with me if possible.
    I’m so happy to live in New England and have a Dunkin Donuts on every corner.

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