Forget about running and riding this winter. Polar bears are coming. And they will eat you.

This is a public service announcement. You should probably forget about running and riding for a while. Possibly all winter. Because there’s a really important priority right now in the middle of North America. Apparently we need to protect ourselves from polar bears.

Watch out kid! The polar bears are coming to get us!

You know, polar bears are known to kill and eat people. They will actually hunt you down and chaw on your carcass if they get a chance. And when they do find you, they will bite your skull and you’ll wind up looking like that guy in the Saturday Night Live skit with Headwound Harry.

Fortunately, there are brave hunters protecting us from the potential polar bear onslaught

In the interests of protecting the rest of North America from polar bear attacks, helpful hunters head up to the arctic every year for a chance to kill the King of the Arctic.

Fuzzy wuzzy bear. I just shot you. Now you can’t terrorize Chicago.

They also kill polar bears to feel the white soft fur of the bear once it is dead. One hunter named Fred Bear (no kidding) describes softly stroking the animal he’d just killed: “I walked up to the bear and began to run my hands through his fur.  It was every bit as beautiful as it had seemed from a distance and had a very silky feel to it.  I was surprised at the relative softness that it had as I expected it to be more coarse.”

Not such a good shot

Mr. Bear, otherwise known as Ricardo Longoria, went on to describe how much he admired the polar bear he had just shot through the gut with his bow and arrow after a couple of missed attempts, one of which hit the bear’s back leg.

Other hunters weigh in

A few hunters commenting online about the article did not seem too impressed with Mr. Longoria’s ethics, or his hunting tactics. As one wrote: That is the worst most unethical hunting story I have ever herd (sic). Some rich guy flinging arrows from a longbow at sixty yards or better at a polar bear. Luckily he finaly gets a “good shot” after hitting the bear in the rear leg and missing a couple of times. What a hero. What a JOKE! No wonder bowhunters are targeted by animal rights groups. Pathetic.

Another hunter who goes by the online name of Longbeard still thought Fred Bear did a good job killing his polar bear target, regardless how efficient he was with his bow. Longbeard commented: “Complain all you want on his ‘shot ethics’. the man’s nads still clank when he walks, as they’re most likely made of titanium. I know I don’t have ‘nads enough to do it, nor do a lot of others who post here.”

Doing the bears, and all of us, a favor

Fred Bear seemed to think he was doing the polar bear a huge favor by taking it out of its misery, living in the arctic and all. After all, it’s always cold up there, the ice is shrinking and there’s hardly enough food to go around. So polar bears are pretty much doomed anyway. Why not shoot them and save them the trouble of slowly going extinct?

Yet we must admit that Fred, or Ricardo, seemed to understand the wonder of what he’d just shot: “Its (the polar bear) proportions were massive!  The pads alone were more than fourteen inches long.  Its claws accounted for an additional two inches and were razor sharp.  While turning the bear over I cut one of my hands with its claws.  At this moment I realized that Polar Bear’s really are every bit as dangerous as they are said to be.  I examined its mouth and was surprised to find that one of his canines was missing half of it.  Abe (the guide) examined them and confirmed the bear’s old age.  He thought that the fur might have been was white as it was due to a lack of adequate nutrition.  After skinning and examining the carcass we noticed that this bear had almost no fat on it and was surely suffering from malnutrition.”

Hunters actually trying to prevent polar bear immigration

So really, we should all be grateful there are hunters brave enough to ride around on snow machines up in the arctic, hop off and send the dogs after polar bears and then sneak up on them with a longbow and shoot them through the gut.

Because, as you well know, polar bears are going to become a threat to people like us who like to run and ride in the Lower 48 states. Because if global warming keeps up, polar bears are going to run out of suitably cold territory north of the Arctic Circle and be forced, like Snowy Owls, to head down south to find food come the winter months.

Coming back home

See, polar bears are descendants of other large bears in North America, and it won’t take them but a couple generations of evolutionary inbreeding to get back their brown fur and mix in with the rest of the immigrant population south of the Canadian border. And when they do, polar bears with go after the low-hanging fruit, like us slow humans, just as they do up north with those baby seals they catch and eat for the blubber.

Actual photo of polar bear damage on a human foot. Huarache sandals won’t help.

And guess who’s outside all winter trying to lose blubber down here in America? That’s riiiight. You guessed it: Runners and cyclists like you and me. Slow humans will make easy hunting for expatriated polar bears looking for faux seal meat.

Cougars are already moved in to the City of Chicago

Don’t laugh! There are already mountain lions and gray wolves making their way from out west into the City of Chicago. They’ve moved in to stay. And once a few mountain lions get a foothold down here in Chi-Town there will not be a safe place to run or ride in Lincoln Park.

Be warned! Cougars are already picking off runners and other hapless humans in the hills of California. But that’s just target practice. Wait until they’re jumping off of condos onto the back of Team in Training participants along Cannon Drive. There won’t be a runner or rider who can raise a dime for a non-profit organization once that gets started.

Be careful not to wear spandex in patterns that resemble polar bear prey

If you want to be safe, don’t dress like a seal

Inspired by the success of pioneering predatory species like mountain lions and wolves, it won’t be long before polar bears begin figuring out there’s easy game down south where people are running and riding around in suits and shorts that make them look like seals. Remember, polar bears can also smell prey from miles away. Those two factors do not bode well for exercising humans.

How they’ll get here

A polar bear could easily march its way south from Hudson Bay to the northern tier of Lake Michigan and swim down the western lakeshore to reach Chicago. Then they’ll crawl out near Montrose Harbor and pick off a few joggers before anyone takes much notice.

Rumor has it we humans are good eating, based on reports of cannibalism from many parts of the world. And it turns out that men actually taste better than women. The meat tends to be a little more lean. So at least you gals will have that going for you. If you see a polar bear coming at your Saturday morning running group, hide behind a buffed male hunk. You might save your own life.

Hunters fighting back against polar bears

So while it seems a bit cruel and stupid on the surface to hunt animals like polar bears running wild and free, just trying to survive in the arctic, the hunting community may actually be doing us all a favor because they seem to know something the rest of us don’t.

They’re fighting back against a polar bear population that has you in its sights. Polar

Michael Phelps imitating a seal trying to swim away from a polar bear

bears and can swim longer than Michael Phelps and run faster than Usain Bolt. They can even scoot across the ice faster than your average NHL player, although we wouldn’t really know that this year because that stupid hockey league is on strike.

But, if this is an icy winter on Lake Ontario, Lake Erie, Lake Huron or Lake Michigan, the runners and riders of Buffalo, Cleveland, Detroit and Chicago had better be on their toes. Polar bears could be sliding in for Sunday dinner. And you’re on the menu.

They’ll gitchoo

A cool piece of advice

So if you’re out running or riding in the winter this year, and you hear behind you the muffled footfalls of 14″ paws bearing 2″ daggerlike claws shielded inside the fur, you’d best keep up your pace or risk becoming a meal for one of the world’s most dangerous hunters. The polar bear. They’re here. They’re near. And they’re hungry.

And really, they’re not so cute and cuddly as those bears in the Coca-Cola commercials.

Polar bears will pretend to be human to infiltrate and take easy prey

Safety tip: Better carry your longbow while out running or riding

This woman runner was smart and carried her bow with her during a recent run in northern Minnesota. She took down the charging polar bear with one shot. Nice job, Sally!

For now, watch out for polar bears, or else carry a longbow with you when you’re out for a run or a ride. And don’t forget your arrows. Lots of them. A polar bear can be hard to hit when you’re cold and breathing hard.

We close today with an inspiring photo of one woman runner who thought ahead. She carried her compound bow with her on a twilight run near White Bear Lake, Minnesota, and bagged herself a new carpet just in time for Christmas. Now that’s taking care of your holiday shopping the smart way. Nice work, Sally!

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About Christopher Cudworth

Christopher Cudworth is a content producer, writer and blogger with more than 25 years’ experience in B2B and B2C marketing, journalism, public relations and social media. Connect with Christopher on Twitter: @gofast and blogs at werunandride.com, therightkindofpride.com and at 3CCreativemarketing.com. Online portfolio: http://www.behance.net/christophercudworth
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8 Responses to Forget about running and riding this winter. Polar bears are coming. And they will eat you.

  1. Jonathan daly says:

    How can you think that these “brave hunters” are doing the right thing. How about you do your part to lower greenhouse gas emissions then the bears wouldn’t have the need to migrate. Wake up to the fact that your direct actions are actually what is putting you in “danger”. I hope you all get hit by cars you sad fucks!

  2. Jane Zima says:

    This is horrible, extremely rude and inappropriate! How could you even talk about such a beautiful animal in such a horrible way saying “that we should actually be grateful that there are hunters that are willing to go up there and shoot them in the gut”. This is disgusting and should not be up on this site! or any site for that matter!

  3. Anonymous says:

    This is the worst blog in history and is frankly disgusting and cruel beyond belief. You are evil human beings to say that hunting such beautiful animals is a good thing! You deserve to be hunted! This is cruel, thoughtless and beyond evil! People who think this mindless murder is a good thing should be eaten by something, slowly, starting at the legs! I hate this hunter and if I ever meet you I will personally throw you to something that will hunt and eat you! You are evil, evil, EVIL people and should never have been born! Killing an animal isn’t brave, or heroic, it;s murder. Plain murder and even worse because you are killing innocent animals. I hope that hunter is reading this and I hope he freezes , explodes, falls off a cliff, or takes a long walk, off a short pier into a tiger-shark infested sea! Polar bears are only hunting people because, due to global warming, their ice is melting and they can no longer catch their prey! So in the end, if we weren’t polluting the Earth so much, THEY.WOULDN’T.BE.HUNTING.PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are starving and probably desperate to help their cubs survive. Are you saying you wouldn’t hunt animals to feed your children if they were starving? In the end, we are all animal, but you are just plain evil! If you don’t get the message you are thicker than you look,and that’s really saying something! ‘Doing the bears ,and all of us, a favor.’ Really? It would be doing everyone a favor if you would just: a) spontaneously combust b) jump into a fire or c) go out in a blizzard and stay out
    Take your pick!
    Have a nice day!

    • You clearly don’t understand the method of purpose of satire, do you? I am criticizing hunters in this blog. And I am lampooning the idea that polar bears would ever wander south and attack people. So to build your intellectual capacity for satire, perhaps you ought to consider reading some work by Hunter S. Thompson or Flannery O’Connor. Because this blog was critical of the very things you claim to hate. Grow a brain.

  4. Anon says:

    I want to believe it is satire but find it difficult to do so. Honestly, even if it is, the way it comes across to me gives the impression that a lot of your typical American audience (Trump supporters!!) will be taking this quite literally are probably booking flights to go hunt some of these creatures. Maybe if a lot of Americans weren’t so wasteful and short sighted then they wouldn’t contribute to global warming so much, and thus, avoid the migration of these animals – they would be perfectly fine and relatively harmless if they were without human interference.

    • ONe thing I’ve learned in 30 years of writing: a certain segment of the population NEVER gets satire. So I’m not going to stop writing it. This piece is clearly anti-hunting. If someone takes it literally, they’re literally fucked in the head and I can’t change that. And yes, there are people that stupid and literal about things. I’m also an environmental writer, and have long published work advocating policies to protect the environment.

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